it’s what’s done
that can’t be said
stupidity you can see
it’s just me
can’t tell you all the things i see
cause i don’t really know it all
i cry and lament of whats uncanny
sensibilities for unnecessary
points of grandeur
don’t help me
all they do is keep me awake

I don't even know where to begin with this one - nothing could have prepared me for you.

Nothing.

I KNOW mental health issues are real, but if stigmas are the rain-clouds baby you are a hurricane.

No, more like a tornado, I finally understand why you can only get a few minutes warning to take cover.

No one can predict the sudden build of pressure. It's palpable. Raises every hair on my back it is animal fear, all wide eyes, lizard brain and heartbeats.

You lash out with the coordination of a drunk at the bottom of a bottle, sparing no one in the crossfires

But as fast as it begins, it is over, and I am left shaking teary-eyed in the rubble and ruin wondering if that natural disaster was actually real.

I look around and I can't figure out if I'm Dorothy or the witch beneath the house. And can a twister even hold remorse?

I close my eyes and click my heels three times, wishing I was anywhere but here.

I want so badly to be me enough
That it doesn't matter how crazy I am.

In a world full of deadlines and assignments,
I often wonder if I am getting credit for my life.
Did I pass the exam because I didn't want to die today?
Am I succeeding for inhabiting a level state of consciousness?
Will I be penalized for the fatigue or the anxious habits,
The inevitable compulsions?
Do they see below my skin where the turmoil lays?
Are my bones enough to hold me up under the weight
Of my perfectionism and pressure for success?
Am I too slow or different in a world that demands I exist in a system?
Am I enough in the course of Planet Earth?
Is who I am what they want,
And does it matter?
Is there extra credit for taking a shower and complying with medication?
Professor, did I achieve an A?

I don't know what the **** I'm doing with my life,
All I know is I'm higher than a kite.
I can't think straight, the thoughts are taking over my mind,
I can't unwind.
I closed the door, i don't care what you think anymore.
I barricade myself in my head, trapped inside my dark room and crying in bed.
It makes my family sad, they make me feel guilty.
They're sad, yeah, just imagine how I'm ******* feeling.
Emotions are crazy, my lifestyle is hazy and yes I know it's my fault when I go.
I'm self destructive, I want to know what it feels like to be alive.
Because I'm just surviving,
Always fantasizing,
You can laugh and think my writing is stupid,
You have no idea what the **** I've been through.

I've been to hell and back, seen a lot of action.
I'm always looking for a **** distraction.
This is the second part, I'm about to open my heart and open the door.
I'm not smoking dope anymore and I'm getting help from everyone.
I finally feel like I've won.
You can get lost in life easily, and do things that leave you empty.
Some people will have sympathy but most will have empathy.
I lost myself but I found someone new, and I can't wait to see what this person can do.
So many people saying, "I'm proud of you."
I'm proud of me too, that's how I feel.
This journey is how I know God is real.

I wish my tactile hallucinations would give me a massage,
A warm hug from my non-existent mother,
A kiss from my long distance boyfriend.

A twisted fairytale

My hallucinations
They know what I fear most
And they want me to be afraid
They feed off my terror
They get off on my sick brain
They know what torments me.
Arachnophobia’s favorite game to play
The spiders
Come out of
My skin
They’ve been waiting patiently
When I’m most vulnerable
When I’m isolated
When I’m helpless

I wish my tactile hallucinations would
**** me

You say you want to keep me safe,
But the fact is this:
         No one can save me from
                      Myself