Oh the things I let you do
made a god of you
giving and you take
not awake to the ways
I made me weak
knelt willingly
as you kissed me
a parody of grace
a sinner afraid
ashamed of her crimes
the worst of mine being
first a thirst for freedom
this independence
quench it
second imperfections
unchecked boxes and missed directions
submit for corrections
third pleas for gentle words
shut up that never works
with women like you
thus you loved
me not brave enough
or knowing how to love
myself until the day I could
I stood and ran
you will not see me again

put your hands to the sky
drop to your knees and cry a river of salty tears
scream out into the open air
scream until your lungs give out
yell every sinful crime you've committed
beg for forgiveness
beg for a second chance

you're reminded that you've been in this position before
only before it was an act debauchery mixed with a hope for an act of god
but now it is a full blown plea for mercy and a god like miracle
both scenarios pleading for god
and in this moment you remember that you will never find god on your knees
because god does not exist within the hollow shell of whom ever it may be you are worshipping
god exists within your own being

i used to love the scent of rain
not until it gives me pain
but who knows
maybe this is where my poetry grows

lately, i tend to walk alone
gives me the feeling like i'm never known
thoughts been treating me like a slave
and it's so hard to find a place that makes me feel safe

sometimes i can't feel my feet
most of the time, my heart beat
it's getting really hard to breath
maybe i'm getting closer to the death

as i'm walking away
kinda hoping that they'll beg me to stay
hey, what is this part?
is it where everybody's treating me like a dart?

throw me about a mile
and only be remembered as a small while?

Sunday, 15 January, 2017.

When I wake up and think of us
I feel a surge in my heart, a rush
The impending guilt rides through my body
as I remember how you said I was the greatest thing
The one that you were going to love for always
Until I messed up and begged for you on my knees
I begged for you to still keep me,
I begged for you to not talk so soft,
I begged that I would never have to write things like this again, and we can see how well that paid off
I am through begging and I am through waiting.
All that I have left is to hope that someday you wake up and miss me
Instead of writing me off so easily.

My ever present
Companion
Searing me
Arcing through
My insides
Every day
A new burn
Skin graft patches
Healing
Inch by inch
Pulling me
Into myself
Hunched
Contorted
Askew
Once again
Sideways on the floor.
Cauterize me