I felt again.
Panic set in
I wanted to crawl out of my skin
I couldn’t breathe
Guilt flooded my mind
Self loathing skyrocketed

They say that the average heart beats between 60-100 beats per minute.
But when I see you, it's so much more than that.
My heart beats so fast it feels like I'm about to have a heart attack.
But if a heart attack is the only way for me to feel your love,
If this is what it takes,
Then I'll just let it be.

Stick me in the washer
Spin me round and round
Put me on a cycle
Till my waste is found
Run me on the treadmill
Chase me up the hills
Look after my well being
Take the bitter pills
Look at what I’m eating
Only healthy food
No wine or whisky and certainly not;
No being rude!
Life’s about to change
I’ve to be a new man
Three stents in my arteries
I’m drafting up a plan
I’m thinking of a six pack
And growing new dark hair
Refreshing all my teeth and gums
And going round quite bare
I think I’ll be an icon
Like George or John or Paul
And spread the words of peace and love
From off the subway wall.

You know
We're good
We both know
How to hold back

Killing machines,
On command, we can attack

Our defences
Sometimes found offensive
Do the crime, pay the time
Pay for your offences

i remember standing in front of my bedroom window when i had my first anxiety attack.
my first boyfriend expressed anger towards me and it triggered something in me.
the yelling he had towards me reminded me of my parents.
with my parents, i never got anxiety attacks.
i would just be scared.
but then this happened,
i had to step away.
it was the summer time so i always kept my window open for the air to come in.
so i stepped away and found myself in front of my window.
i heard my heartbeat through my ears and felt its thumping shake my body.
the lump in my throat made it difficult to breathe and i remember thinking that i was going to die in that moment.
i closed my eyes and felt the cold summer wind hit my face.
it was the first time something felt like a hug that wasn't a pair of arms.

Satan Rejoices:
On Day when Life Resurrects,
Lives sacrificed to despise Life,
that Death begets Death
and Death is stronger than Life.

Satan Rejoices:
For Lies are believed and Died for,
that the Desecration of Life's Sanctity
and Usurpation of God's Authority
are rewarded and glorifies God.

Satan Rejoices:
Brother turns against Brother,
Cain reigned supreme,
Circle of Revenge and Hatred turns,
Evil and Sword worshiped.

But Abel's blood still speaks
Blood-soaked Earth's cries are heard
Victory is assured but unseen
Patience is mercy not weakness
Evil shall judge Evil

I stopped keeping a tissue box next to my bed
I regret that now
as I reach over my headboard
for that familiar cardboard feeling

I bury my face into my pillow
as I had done countless times before
and wonder how
how I am back at square one
after building my dam
so strong; mighty
How did I get so careless to let it break
over nothing

I let so much grow over me
I cannot breath
heavy roots of tall oak trees
trapping my lungs
captive birds screeching to escape my rib cage
My brain-- empty
empty, yet so full
full of pieces of everything
yet nothing coming together