If only you knew…
You say I deserve joy
But it is not true
For I have done too much wrong
If only you knew…
Every day I look back
And see my past
Full of terrible sins
For darkness always wins
You call me innocent
But I’m the complete opposite
If only you knew…
I wish I could tell you
But I am too ashamed
If only you knew…
Then maybe you would understand
Why I am not worthy
Of joy
But I can't tell you
For I am full of pain and worry…

When did it become instinct to **** in my stomach when I speak
As if my words were something that needed to be contained
And my body ashamed
When did I start believing that being curvaceous
Meant I couldn't be vivacious
That I needed to hide
And lose my pride
As if my weight defined
Who I could be
And my tummy would remind
That that everyone could see
My imperfections
These are my confessions
I am self aware
I care
About others judgements
And the way that I am perceived
So I try to make adjustments
Yet I never succeed

some days i feel nothing and others, everything
last night i felt everything, felt it all at once
my mind was filled with negative thoughts
so many thoughts and feelings at once
i didn't stand a chance against myself
my entire body felt sore and my head was pounding
i cried uncontrollably and stared blankly at the ceiling
i couldn't breathe -- everything is a mess
so sick of never feeling good enough for a slight second
yesterday was horrible but though i barely slept
i managed to drag myself out of bed this morning
covered up my pinching eyes and took off
just like any other morning

*(s.m)

People should not be ashamed for feeling.
I'm not sorry for the way I felt about you
Because it only seemed to be a phase,
that's why I've let my emotions out
through words rather than pouring
out my soul to you.
And to the next person I fall for,
let it be known it's most likely a phase,
don't expect me to spill at all.

I’m sick of you not trusting me.
I’m sick of trying to be perfect.
I’m sick of your standards.
I’m sick of being compared.
I’m sick of being tired.
I’m sick of hating myself.
I’m sick of not feeling good enough.
I’m sick of myself.
I’m sick of being judged.
I’m sick of being a disappointment.
I’m sick of feeling guilty.
I’m sick of feeling ashamed.
I’m sick of the looks I get.
I’m sick of being blamed for everything.
I’m sick of feeling unloved.
I'm sick of living.
I’m just… sick.

I wasn't me not today.
I guess all my fears came chasing.
All that I thought I would never have to face again.
The fear of being let down,
Disappointed.
The fear of having to wait for someone to come
And they never show up.

I was hoping for a change in the chapter of my life.
Hopefully it would clear all the doubts I have been having.
You were that spark of hope for a moment,
And when things changed.
I was so disappointed.

I know I had no reason to be angry
I failed to compromise.
And mostly appreciate your values.
Guess at that moment I felt unappreciated.

I don't know what much more to say.
But I deeply apologise.
Not because its a must but because I know I should.
I was just selfish.
And unearthly to be so arrogant.
I surely know that I could have behaved a little better,
But I didn't.

I found myself and lost you.
I let go of your hurt,  found my strength anew. Picking my pieces up off the floor,  realizing you mean nothing anymore.  You were an addiction,  a haunting,  an affliction.  A monster terrorizing me,  and my pride that had given up helping me, depriving me and calling it love. And there are sometimes I'm completely ashamed, my strength in vain.  Because I'll look for you...the monster under my bed that hasn't yet truly left my head.