I am ashamed that I am Spanish because of Franco
I am ashamed that I am French because of Algeria
I am ashamed that I am Algerian because of France
I am ashamed that I am American because of Bush, Iraq
and the bloodshed once among brothers
I am ashamed that I am Russian because of Stalin, Gulag
and recently of this and that
I am ashamed that I am German because of ******, clearly
(Pol *** appears more and more seldom in the lists, but one is horrified, humanly ashamed, remembering)
I am ashamed that I am English because of football etc
I am ashamed that I am Polish — only when I am not proud
I am ashamed that I am Turkish, but then there are Kurds...
I am ashamed that I am Czech and allowed myself to be stifled

(I am just as ashamed myself — some say, who feel
shame in its extremity and hide weapons in pantries, waiting for that moment
in which they wash away their shame with the blood of traditional enemies)
I am ashamed that I am Orthodox or Catholic and I wedge and split
the mountain on which Jesus bled — before others made even smaller
pieces out of his Golgotha below
I am ashamed that I am Indian because... well, it’s no matter
I am ashamed that being Macedonian I let the Greeks be even more
I am ashamed that I am Korean and one of Kim Ir Sen’s
I am ashamed that I am Korean no matter where, as long as
Kim Ir Sen’s Koreans remain
I am ashamed that I am Serbian, but... let me think
I am ashamed that I am Chinese because: ‘You’re Chinese?’
I am ashamed that I am Romanian because of Ceausescu, Dracula of course

and now, God, all these Romanians all over the world...
I am ashamed of my nation even when I am not ashamed
— but each of us seeks to forget something
I am ashamed because .......... [Everyone: fill in the blanks, write yours here!]

but you, but you — you, only you
you, whose nation filled the desolate earth with life and kindness
you are the man who begins the new day
today
with your first step

*Ioana Ieronim

I am not ashamed to love you
As i sit here and cry
I am not ashamed to have love-d you.
No I am not ashamed to cry for you.
I am not ashamed to love you.
With every fibre of my being.
With every sin, with every moral
with every, ****** hair on my head.
I am not afraid to love you.
I am more afraid of not loving you, than loving you.
I am afraid of you loving me.
I am more afraid of you loving me more than i have even been afraid in my life.
Because than that makes love real.
I lost my love a long time way back when.
It's not important.
There's details in the details.
But my faith in loving you will not wane, falter, stop or die.
I am not ashamed to cry waterfalls of salty tears into my hands for you.
I am not ashamed of messaging you 3am in the morning to see how you are.
and getting no reply.
I am not ashamed to know that my attempts to love you are futile.
Yes, you.
You who would want to punch me in the face, the throat, the clavicles of my heart
to stop me, from loving, you.
I am not ashamed to love you like you were my only love.
I will sing for you in the car my love, i will hold your hand, i will bake you muffins,
My love.
And you would want to **** my very smile with your eyes.
I am not ashamed to lie on my bathroom floor with arms in my chest, with pain in my stomach, and my eyes blind,
from loving, you.
I am not.
I am not.
I am not.
I am not ashamed to be the laughing stock of my friends, family and lovers past;
for loving losers like you,
for loving someone like you,
for loving someone who didn't deserve me,
treated me like ****,
beat me,
use me, washed me up and dried me out, hung me out.
No i am not ashamed.
I am not ashamed to cry these tears because i lost you.
I am not ashamed to cry these tears because i am not in your arms.
For my heart beats strong.
For all these years,
through all these lovers,
through all these partners,
through all these ******, *******, tears.
For i love you more, each day.
For in this world where there is more hatred, pain, sorrow, suffering and loss
I would rather be ashamed for loving you,
than hating you for loving you once.

'We can only truly hate something we once also loved'
Logic eh? What else makes sense in this world?

I wish you weren’t my biological mother
So I wouldn’t be so embarrassed of the person you are.
I’m ashamed of how you left and how you raised me.
I’m ashamed and still learning to heal from the wounds you created.
I am ashamed I tried for so long to have pleased you while truly feeling insecure every day.
I am ashamed I fell for your countless lies and doubt you built in to me.
I am ashamed of the extreme religious beliefs you taught me from a young age that has now indented on my personality with flaws that follow.
I am ashamed that I grew up knowing nothing of the world out there and had to learn to walk on my own.
I am ashamed of the abuse you raised me with and continue to fill people with blinding lies
I am ashamed
But I am not ashamed of the fact that I have pulled myself out of your misery
I am not ashamed I have survived
I am not ashamed that I have come out of this a better person
I am not ashamed of the life lessons I have learnt
I am not ashamed that you are my past.
I am not ashamed to look forward for the future
I am not ashamed of my present

I’ve only ever wanted a husband to love me, and that’s all.
Baseline singular deepest dream
I’ve had it my whole life.

But what I have is shame, sitting on my back, shoved down my throat, piercing through my heart, freezing me up

I’ve let them all down
Everyone I love
Everyone who loves me
Everyone who loved me

To my mom:
I’m sorry I don’t get out of bed everyday.
I’ve been really sad, I just need some time.
I’m so ashamed I can’t do what you want for me

To my sisters:
You guys are the best, you’ve been my support
I’m ashamed because I’m scared to call you

To my friends:
I want to be there for you, I want to be good to you, I’m scared I’ll fail you
I’m ashamed that I can’t even text back when you’re all so kind to me

To my church:
I want to be a better sister, a better servant, I’m terrified of being a burden
I’m ashamed that I’m scared of you and I’m ashamed of how much I cry when I’m with you

To everyone I met:
I’m sorry I unfollowed you, I’m sorry I hurt him, I’m sorry I disappeared, I’m sorry there’s no good answers, I’m sorry I couldn’t live up to what I tried to be.
I’m so ashamed that I can’t be her, that I’m not there, that I didn’t become your friend and family. That it’s my fault.

To Joann:
I’m so very sorry that I couldn’t be your daughter and that I couldn’t take care of your son.
I’m very ashamed I can’t bring myself to write to you and try to explain or even just apologize.

To you:
I’m ashamed because I think you’ve read the things I wrote. I’m ashamed that I’ve been so depressed and hurting over a lot of things, some concerning you and some of them not. I’m ashamed that it’s me you were with. I’m ashamed that I have hurt you, to any extent. I’m ashamed that I exist being the person I am and I’m ashamed that I was so wrong. I’m ashamed that I know that we can’t, won’t, aren’t capable of talking for a really really long time because I know I can’t handle it.

I am ashamed because I am so locked up and frozen in place because of shame and because all I’ve been able to do is cry.

Ashamed of my complexion,
Ashamed of all the words,
Ashamed to show my innards,
Ashamed of all the long nights
and the actions that took place,
Ashamed of the women I fed empty promises,
Ashamed of every goodbye,
Ashamed by the way it all played out,
Ashamed of the confidence I carried,
Ashamed of the crown I wore,
Ashamed of the mirror,
Who am I,
and what is left of me?

I'm ashamed  
As I picture you undressed
between my arms, against my chest..

I'm ashamed
As I taste your lips
When I hold my hand to smell my breath

Ashamed
that I feel your wet
around my tip when I clean it

Lusting after you
because I love you
slowly dying
cause I can't have you
the way I want to...
Be inside you
All around
from your airy head
to the feet and ground

I'm Ashamed
Cause I disrespect you
in my mind I always take you
touching skin
licking tongue
in my mind so much fun
ripping clothes
squeezing breast
at your dying breath
causing explosion after explosion
between you legs liquid immersion
And i slip deeper into thought
Out of your mind, into your heart

And I'm ashamed
Cause you're waiting
because you're only
trying to do what's right
Ashamed
I want to ****** you tonight
Tomorrow
and the day after
but you resist me too well
that only i can feel the blame
so because you're so right
I feel so Ashamed

The first time I learned what *** was, I was 10. My parents didn't even have "the talk". No. I found out from a boy, grinning as he rubbed his erasers together. I asked my mom, "Mom, what's ***?" and because *** IS SOMETHING I SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF, she said something like "You're to young". TOO YOUNG TO KNOW HOW LIFE IS CREATED?! And let's not forget the time I learned what gay meant I thought it was a bad word. The word my classmates laughed at and called each other. I watched my first Modern Family episode in the third grade, my closed minded comments spilled out and increasing got more homophobic as I watched my fathers laugh feed into my immaturity. Looking back, I'm disgusted. I was a candle, dim but had the potential to light the dark room, surrounding me. I just hadn't been light yet. The time I realized I was a feminist i was twelve. So eager to please and maintain my perfect child persona, that being told my "bra strap showing was disgusting" I cried my way through pre algebra. To ashamed to tell my friends or family. LIKE YES. I HAVE **** UNDER MY SHIRT IS THAT A ******* PROBLEM?!All I could think of was how my MALE ASSISTANT ******* PRINCIPAL CALLED ME OUT AND ISOLATED ME ALONE, MAKING ME FEEL ASHAMED OF MY BODY AND MY GENDER! I shouldn't have felt ashamed of sexuality **** I shouldn't have felt ashamed of my gender. NOBODY SHOULD EVER FEEL ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES. Here's a letter to past, present, and future self, and to all those little girls who were raised to be closed minded and ashamed, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, EVERYONE IS WORTH LOVE, YOUR BODY IS NOT HERE FOR MALES TO GAUG AT. YOU ARE MORE THAN A *** ITEM, AND IF A MAN EVER MAKES YOU FEEL ASHAMED OF WHO YOU ARE, KICK HIM IN THE *****, FLICK HIM OFF, AND WALK AWAY. BECAUSE HONEY, US WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN THAT ****!

How can you proclaim
that we are free
can you not see
our authentic selves
lie buried and covered
from every single angle with
shame, shame and shame.
As our freedom is stolen
with bars of condemnation
as we are encaged  from
every side.  

For why do I feel a ******
elevated world looks down
on me as I push my pram
because I chose to have a baby
young.
Why do I feel I need to bury
my head because I am a single
mum.
Why do I feel condemned because
I chose to have a career and not
be a mum.
Why do I feel  so embarrassed
about my little cute flat.
And that i feel I have to apologize
because I feel ashamed of  my
small income.

What chance have we really got
if we are constantly made
to dance to a condemning shot.
Our true selves half dead in a
bunker with shame all around us
the enemy that surrounds us.

I wish my body was taller, thinner
and in some places even bigger
oh God I do not want to look in the
mirror.
And what is wrong with my God
given colour for why am I made
to feel so unwelcome.
Why do I feel embarrassed about
my particular religious belief
the way God gives me inner relief.
Why do I when I am asked my age
do I start to mumble my words
and change the conversation like
there is something wrong with
being just a little old.

How can we find happiness in this
world if we are constantly kicked out
of home by shame.
Maybe I will be just fine as long as I
do not let myself be anything
that I truly am.  

I do not like my accent the way I talk
this is something I will have to change.
Why am I made to feel so ashamed of
my craft my job because I am just a blue
collar worker.
Why am I so ashamed of my education
that I left school worked hard since sixteen.
Why are the unemployed condemned
when the capitalist system needs them.
Why do some people feel the need
to move up a class from their background.

I am sorry this has become so
very long but I must just keep
going on.

Why am I so ashamed of my white
van that I work from
or the old car I play from.
tell me why does fitting in
give you a derogatory name
like common.
And why when I was born
beautiful I can not celebrate
but I am made to feel I must
hide to protect another's ego.
Why because I was not made
to look perfect that world decided
that I must suffer.
And why should I be ashamed  
that I like to watch football and not
something posh like rugby or Polo.

I know I should be ashamed
that I keep on moaning but
I keep on seeing a very
Shameful pattern.
Why do I feel that
I am drowning that the world
is closing in and that my choices
are shrinking.

Why is it sometimes still
considered to fancy the
same *** as wrong
as they sing their
homophobic song.
I am really ashamed to confess
that I sometimes like to
wear a dress but what is
your problem why won't
you just let me express.
Why do I when I share my body
spread some *** and pleasure
that it is all considered wrong.
Why when I criticize the system
I am shamed and called ungrateful
is that not just a little controlling.
Why am I told of for not always
being happy like there is something
wrong with sometimes being unhappy.

Who said we have to be terrific and
extraordinary heave forbid that we
are just ordinary.
What is the point of cleaning someones
mind but then sending them into
a shameful swamp.
What is the point of drying someone
out but then leaving them cold naked
in the rain.
If you say that I am free why do I
struggle to even breath.

You say that we are free when we
are paralyzed by shame with no
where to go.
But I do have  a dream that we
can all some day  live in a world
WITHOUT SHAME

i feel ashamed, i feel ashamed, i ashamed
i'm on a prayer to prevail
taking shots of successes inside of a small gun range

russian roulette; cussing out in an attest
testifying those sins—i need to repent,
i need to repent, i need to repent
i've got a bad rep representing my ill intent

so sick of life, seeking meaning on people
pleasing. so was it a miss for me—misleading peers
to co-sign my fears
it's a signature significant, in a miniature magnificent
but strangely the one to always feel so insignificant

among the rules of what it means to be men
as non momentary cowardice, to the pre end
lying constant, lying on a deathbed to admit to
my pretend

the imaginary calamity of believing you're a
hope for humanity. your goal is only to provide
for your family; sadly on the madly in love undertone
keeping well the colours of a lover's rose
treat them well as yours. let sinking kisses rest under
pores

pouring out your heart; poor are those buying
out to pay for love

you should feel ashamed, you should feel ashamed,
you should feel ashamed—as I once was ashamed