Sit right down let me tell you what we serve
You might think it quite absurd
But we only have just one dish
And it might even be what you wish

But apathy is our only course
I hope that is your choice
It's very easy to prepare
And everybody can have their share
If you don't like it we don't care

Empathy use to be our greatest cuisine
It really was quite supreme
But serving it was such a pain
And to admit it we are all just to vain
It took to much time
And it didn't pay a dime
We had to layer in the flavors
Of truly caring, love, patience, and of course life savers

Who has time for all of that, not us
We don't need all the fuss
For we only care about our own
To care about strangers we're not prone
Your tears we care nothing about
So just sit over there and pout

For we only serve one thing here.......apathy
We are to self-absorbed for.......empathy

I used to wish I had
another life

daydream
about living
without the stress of mine
"if only,
life had given me
better cards to play"

now, I'm just envious
of others
minds

it's not
the cards I was dealt
that are the problem-

it's the constant overlooking
of plays
I could have made
continuous mistakes
my own
personal
issues
preventing me
from turning out
on top

used to think
(still kind of do)
that everyone who was
"happy"
were just deceiving themselves

lying
telling theirself
that they were happy
so much so
that they
believed it-
using
distractions
to keep their misery at bay

now I realize
that thought
was quite a bit
of self-projection

how nice it would be
to have passion again
emotion
my outgoing nature

I've been dealing with her for years
which leaves me to wonder-
has my personality
just been
a fabrication
a mask that I've worn
to hide
depressions ugly visage?
have I worn it
so frequently that
I started to recognize it
as my own
reflection?

I don't know who I am anymore
though,
it's not like I ever have

I don't know what life is anymore
I've definitely
never known
what that's been all about

for the past six months,
(year?....)
(two years?...)
(my entire life?...)
I've only had
two states
of emotion-
dark blue
or
gray

dark blue
is when I am inconsolable
with tears
absolute misery
my soul
shattered
into a million pieces

dark blue
is when I have
panic attacks
over how horrible
of a person I am
lying
on my bathroom floor
choking on my own tears
choking on my own breath

gray
is
nothingness
something
horrible could happen to me
a job loss,
a heartbreak,
a loss of a friend
and I will experience
no emotion

like an empty
void
throw whatever the ****
you want in there
I promise you
there will not be any
reaction

gray
with random
and sudden
bursts of blue

not the most
excruciating pain
just the constant
dull
throbbing
of the grayish blue
bruise
that you're always
trying
to cover up

I will
never
go away

could you please
preheat the oven
to 450°F?

thanks!
now
can you please
shove me in there
and close the door tightly?

I'll probably scream
and flail
but,
ignore that

I need a fire to be lit
under my ***
since I clearly
cannot light one
by myself

funny how
I lie to myself
and pretend
everything is
okay
getting better
when I am really
just shoving my
depression
to the side
ignoring her
and pretending
she is starting
to wane.

I am not
getting better.
I am still
hurting those who love me
and getting upset
when they speak
on how
I have hurt them.
it's like,
I know.
I know I am horrible.
I am stupid.
unthankful.
so why do I
keep doing it
why won't I
change
I'll wait
on these steps
in the cold
rain

the rain that earlier
seemed peaceful
relaxing
now to me
it seems
crushing
bearing the weight
of my faults
with each drop
that hits
pushing me
farther
towards the ground
until I am nothing
but the pile
of snot
tears
and rain

I want to be nothing
yet
I want to feel
love
and intimacy

why don't I just
give up
why don't I just
stop
talking
to anyone in my life
maybe
if I disappear
from others
I will begin
to disappear
myself.

I just want to cry.

We sleep in peace and comfort
We eat the fatted calf
We have our dinner parties
Toast to health and have a laugh
We drink the blood of martyrs
Ordered by carafe
We don't count up the carnage
We just don't do the math...

On the other side of paradise
On the outskirts of our lawns
There are people dying
While we stretch and yawn
We feel we've won the chess game
Cuz we've captured a spare pawn
But the devil's out there laughin'
And has been all along...

How can we sit and watch TV
That information liar!
And while We lie there entertained
Our mattress is on fire
We watch our bridges burning
And dance around the pyre!
Asked the piper to play us
Whatever we desire

But don't you know - we had our show
Now payment is required


SoulSurvivor
(C) 2/22/2016

I have always let my direction drift along.
Wafting in any which way.
Weaving by any obstacle presented.
Now within the eye of the storm.
I lay helpless.
Lightning and debris course around me.
Crashing into any that dare obstruct its path.
All I can do is watch.
As everything that I had ever dreamed.
Evaporates.
The rain comes down in droves.
Only there is no redemption.
No everlasting rebirth.
All that is left are scars.
Some so deep.
Not a single soul can fathom.
This hurricane knows well the destruction it wields.
Violently laughing as every wall tumbles to the ground.
How much more must I be dragged along.
A mere witness.
Must I always be the one to tell the tale of those that fell silent.
Or will I too finally be consumed.
Becoming the delirious fool of the next ballad.

depression
is not crippling sadness
as most think it is.
well, sometimes.
it is
apathy
most of the time

who cares?
no point.
everything *****.

I lost my job today
cried, a little
but I cry about everything.
mainly
apathetic
now I truly have no reason
to ever get out of bed
sure,
I'll look for another
way
to live
but this *****
leaves me with no motivation

no motivation
to apply to colleges,
even though I have
a 3.9 GPA
no motivation
to hang out with friends
even though I am
lonelier than ever

no motivation
to eat food
even though I am
starving

after
I left my now "old work"
I had the impulsive decision
to rescue a dog.
maybe
if I have another creature
to look after
love
feed
I will start
to care for myself, too.

the shelter
made my heart hurt
the kittens
weren't crying
just
sleeping
in their jail cells
uninterested
in life
or their possible new
friend
looking at their possible
rescuer
with disinterest
looking
through their cage
like me.

finnegan
was a terrier mix
a stray
he was whining
licked
my hand
when I reached to him
eight years old
missing
his right eye
life has trampled him
yet he is not hardened
I cried
with him

as I walked him
around the play area
he sniffed everything he could.
curious
investigating
not crying anymore
just happy to be free
from the hell in his cage
he
treated the workers
with affection
like he treated me
with affection

it took awhile
until he came close
and cried while I pat him
climbed in my lap
and cried
I know
buddy

walked him inside.
the woman,
at the counter
looked at me eagerly,
"so?!"
I looked away.
can't
do it
not
today
I'm sorry

him and I
are both looking
for affection
love
a way out of this mess.
but
I can't help him.
no job,
no sure way I can buy him food
buy me food.
I can't
buy a living creature
out of impulse.

he needed security
I cannot provide that
only warmth.

I need to be happy
he cannot provide that
only warmth.

goodbye,
cutie
puller of heartstrings
I promise
someone better than me
will take you away.
not today

lost myself
lost my passion
lost my lust
lost my job
lost
my
soul.

the frustration I had
after failing
to bring myself to ******
for the
tenth
time this past week
makes me more
furious
than depressed

seriously
my *** drive
has always been high

as soon as I
got over
the shame
society places on women
for enjoying
their sexuality
I have always used
*******
as a release
relieves
stress
leaves me
relaxed
and
content

or should I say,
left me
feeling that way

usually
it was once a day
fairly frequent
but, it
matched
my *** drive's
needs

what the **** is wrong with me

I have tried
imagining,
watching,
reading,
looking at
every form
of erotica
that exists

I have searched
through everything
I can find
from
****,
******,
stories,
comics

and my search history
will let you know
that I've searched
everything
from
****
to
******
to
interracial lesbian forced *******
and things
worse
than that

e v e r y t h i n g

used to take me,
oh, I dunno
maybe three minutes
with my *******?

after
around an hour
is when I give up
now
I even bought
a different
*******
NO
RELEASE
NO
PASSION
GONE
what is
WRONG
WITH
ME

oh yeah -
depression

I mean
I knew it was bad
when video games
no longer
had appeal
that was enough

games
have been a passion
and a hobby of mine
since I was five

the other hobby
I started a bit older than five
but
you stole that one, too

after depression
beat the **** out of me
on Tuesday
I thought that was it
thought
since the next morning
I awoke
without the urge
to **** myself
it was over

nope

you have robbed me
of the simplest
things
in my life
that give me pleasure

no more
wriggling
moaning
spasming
the tingling
sensation
that starts in my toes
and makes its way
up
the length of my body
the warmness
that follows
with it
the
satisfaction
slight smile
snuggly
sleepy
post ****** me

I miss her
give her
back

I miss my life
give it
back

this isn't
ME
for ***** sake!

I am a ******
witty
humorous creature
full of passion
looking
for opportunities
to get myself off!
not this
depressed
apathetic
vessel
without soul.

you won't stop
until you have
everything
in my life

you won't stop
until you
put
my soul in your mouth
chew
grind
crush it

your saliva
breaks me down

spit me out
please
I am fighting
for you to cough me up
regurgitate
the essence
of me
let me put myself
back inside this body
please
please

no
you won't stop
you will eat my soul
until
ever fiber
protein
ounce of health
I had
is now
inside of you,
depression

cold-hearted *****

there are
three states of matter.
three
states
of Becky

solid.
i am sturdy. i am
for the rare times in my life
responsible
respectable
hard
to crack
but if you do
I am like glass
i shatter
it takes a long time
to fix myself
I crumple
I realize
though I thought I was
indestructable
one short fall
on to the
rock
bottom
and I am
everywhere
a mess
a pain
to clean up
I promise
even if you vaccuum
I will still stab you
in the sole
of your soft
foot
when you are least
expecting me

turn the heat up.
I am liquid.
emotions
freely
move about within me
they are
controlling
my decisions
controlling my life.
I am
liquid
most of the time.
you cannot
break me
for I am already broken
into
tiny
molecules
of who I am.
I float
along
in my
state of being
rising
with the temperature.
who I am
makes me angry
it bubbles up
inside of me
popping
splashing
singing
hurting those around me

dont
get close.
dont
show me your skin.
your real self.
I will burn you
when I boil
I will hurt you
stay
away
even though
I ask you
not to leave

my gasseous state
is nothing at all
numbness
i feel
less
than air.
less
than anything
that exists
at all.
I drift
through life
but I have no weight
no passion
nothing
just
a reminder of what I was
who I am
the people I've burned.

the scars i have left
hold more of
who I truly am
than the me that
is myself
in this state.

the smell
is the worst
potent
dank
lingering
long after
I have begun to form the moisture
on your upper lip

you will lick me off
swallow me
please
don't wipe me away
let me
inside of you
I won't hurt
you
anymore
I promise