There was no magic manual that was given when you gave birth to me
But if there was you would have failed miserably
Even if the answers were written in dark red ink
They wouldn't have given anyone time to think
That maybe the magic mannual that came for me is wrong
Because nothing is fixing me it's taking too long.

But if that magic mannual was real
It would tell them I didn't need fixed
If there was a guide book on how to help
It would tell them to breathe with me
If there were check lists on what to do
Would they have even gone through
With helping me or was I just the enemy

It shouldn't have taken a doctor
It shouldn't have taken a stay
It shouldn't taken anything
Besides them just spending one day
Talking to me helping me working with me side by side
I was too young to bare the weight of wanting to die

And that's why even if the magical manual did exist
My parents wouldn't care. They would be ******
That the efforts they were already exhausting wasn't enough
They didn't have the energy for me
They just wanted to use tough love.
But I was a fragile gentle child
Who needed a hug.

I know there's not a magical manual
And especially not for me
But why did my parents give up so tirelessly
When I was struggling endlessly
Complex and matter of factly.


My magic manual mediates the troubles in face.
If it were real maybe I would have gotten some grace.
My magical manual says it there in the fine print
This little girl came with a few dents.

You were taught that love was earned not given
Power and control secured affection
Competing for a section of security
Survival was a piece of you, you gave to me.

I know I can't take away the pain
Because your grandfather gave it to your mother to send my way.
It hurts me to think
That once upon time,
You were just someone's baby too.
Just like I am to you.

And you always wanted better for me.
Financially there was more stability
But together we erupted violently
Volcanoes crying spitefully
Scared to ignite the rivalry

You told me that the world won't take care of you, unless you hide your own vulnerability, make yourself useful, you'll have more opportunities too!

The markings run so deep, I stand by the family tree
I beg him to tell me the secrets. I need to understand the story.
These branches hold generations of survival, feelings that don't hold glory.

Unconditional love is conditional
Nothing is reciprocacal if you don't show your worth it- in the end. It's important for your survival to stay undeniably valuable to attain any kind of sustainability, my friend.

I didn't speak
I just let the tree whisper to me
Taking in the breeze between the branches
I heard him tell the tragic tale of each members past transgressions that later got imbeeded into my own actions.

Can I escape the fate of surviving the roots that are within this tree.
Or will I become a branch, forever  bound to grow in the same direction.
Seen, but out of reach
Losing touch with affection.
I hope to find that I can be my own seed.
Move close by,
but away from the original family tree

hands heart lungs fluttering
like untried wings
still wet, a little heavy
quivering like first
or last breath
i do not jump
i do not know which way
the air will flow between my feathers.

The things in my mind are starting to break me down once again. And I do not know how much longer I can keep trying to fight them. Because every day that I try to fight then they keep getting stronger and I keep getting weaker. They are binding me to the wall, and breaking me apart. And I am tired of trying to break the chains that they have put on me. They are impossible to break, and they have always been. I don't even know why I ever tried to fight them. I don't know why I didn't give up a long time ago. That would be better than believing that they will break. It would have been better than to waste my strength to break something that is impossible to break. Because they are cutting off my circulation and it's getting really hard to move. Because they are cutting me every time I try to take them off. And I am losing blood and I feel so weak that I cannot even stand. I can barely even breathe. And now I am stuck on the floor crying and breaking into pieces. And the thing is there is no one that  can help me break free. Because once they do, I am a lost cause. The damage and the pain will be too much for me to bear. The blood that I have lost will be too much. And I don't even know if I could ever move on. Because the strength that I once had, the resilience I grew, is all gone. So if someone ever helped me they would have to watch me die anyways.And I cannot have them watch that. Can’t have them watch the light slowly fade and see the haunted look in my eyes as the things that happened slowly consume me. They would have to watch the hope leave my face and the look upon my red bloodshot eyes from all the nights of fighting. All the nights of being up so late trying to keep breathing and not to give up. And they would have me watch me take my last breath. And I have a feeling that they would blame themselves. Though I was a lost cause ever since I turned 12. I have long been defeated. I just had to hold on a little longer. I had to give you hope that you could break free. Because I know that you can. So I wish you luck and the life that I will never get to live. Have the smile that it took me a while to fake, have the breath that I no longer have, and see the bright future that I longed for. So live your life because it is precious. It is worth it, and I wish that I could have joined you and watched you grow and flourish. But it is far too late.
If only I could turn back time and not let the chains get a hold of me. Not let the pain trap me. But wishes are useless. As I have learned this time after time. I've wished on so many stars but to no avail. I cried out to God, but he didn't answer. I asked Death to take me, but he never came, I asked to be loved, but even love despised me. So I am sitting here in the empty cold silence as my mind gets quieter, until I can no longer hear the blood thumping in my ears. Until I can no longer see you, until my vision gets blurry and everything disappears for the last time.
But live on, move on, forget me. I was never meant to be here. I was never meant to be given the breath in my lungs, the blood in my veins, and the smile on my lips. Carry on as if you had never heard about me. As if I was never in your life. That is the only thing that I ask of you. Because we all know that is the best thing that you can do. It is the only thing you should do. Because the more you hold onto the what ifs, the worse off you'll be. Until you end up like me. Where the only way that you could ever be free is to let go and say goodbye. And that is a place that you never want to be at. Because the pain will eat you alive, the doubts and the wishing will make you so weak that you won't be able to fight back. And your mind can't think clearly anymore. Your mind will be so confused and blurry that you won't be able to find your way out. And then pretty soon there will be no way to get out.

As a child
I hid under my covers,
Fearing the monsters of the night
Lurking beneath my bed.

But now they live in my mind,
Crawling through the cracks,
Festering— even in the sun’s warmth.

No blanket can shield me.
No lamp, no lullaby.

I close my eyes
But still, they linger.

Education
Something that is revered for its ability to change people's lives for the better, help people escape poverty, change the world.

For me?
School almost killed me.

At face value, it doesn't make much sense.
I wasn't being bullied, ridiculed.
I excelled.

But without my identity as the "smart kid" and doing well in school, I thought I was nothing.
Had no other skills or values to contribute.
I tried hard to break free from this thinking,
Tried so incredibly hard,
But this feeling haunted me.
For many years.

I know that's harsh and not true, but my brain was hell bent on this reality.
So I pushed myself to untold lengths to excel in undergrad, tiptoeing on a balance beam, bad marks threatening to push me off the ledge.

No way to live.

Being out of school and in work I learned that I was so much more than a student.
A volunteer, friend, girlfriend, daughter, granddaughter, hiker, traveller, runner, baker, advocate, warrior.
This saved my life.

So it makes sense now back in full-time school again where memorization and multiple choice rules that I feel the familiar sensation that all I am is a student and a slave to school.
It makes sense the transition has been insanely difficult when I'm returning to what nearly killed me.

This time, I know better, I'm in control.
I will not allow school to take its toll.
I will protect myself and who I've grown to be,
and never let school be the end of me.

I'm enveloped into my mind
This world was never meant for my kind,
So I fade way into pure imagination
Were I'm met by fascination
And I am greeted by my own Validation
My realm is realities Evacuation
Here everything is strange
But I wouldn't exchange
This dream-like place
For the face
Of desperate society
That causes my anxiety
In conclusion
Stay in delusion.