My favorite place, as you can guess
Is where I'm all alone
They say I'm antisocial, yes
Still loneliness is home

All by myself I live, I thrive
With people, not so much
I can't live like a bee in hive
I never got that touch

I run to solitude at times
To rid me from my mind
And even writing words and rhymes
Can't keep me with my kind

I've become friends with Solitude, and for a time I've known
That even if I'm left behind, with him I'm not alone

It’s like,
I want to stay in and also get out,
it’s like I want some company,
but don’t want to deal with the accompanying conversation,

it’s like I like humans,
but I don’t like what they’re about,
it’s like I like life,
but I’m tired of living,

it’s like everything seems to matter so much,
at the same time nothing seems to matter at all,
and I really want to share all this to someone,
and I’ve got the new iPhone in my hand but no one to call,

how’d I become so good,
at Social Self-Sabotage,
saw a hoodie that said Anti-Social Socialite,
and it felt like mind reading because that’s what I’d thought,

dressed to the nines as we dance with the Devil,
at the same time as we waltz with God,
“Put your left foot in pull your left foot out,
you do the Hokie-Pokie what’s this all about?”,

it’s like,
I want to stay in and also get out,
it’s like I want some company,
but don’t want to deal with the accompanying conversation…

∆ LaLux ∆

October 6th, 2018
Venice, California

I’m here

Which feels like the best I can do

It’s undoubtedly a contribution
I’ll be the contrast
everyone can talk
while I’m not

Makes me wonder

Socializing is like driving
Some go a lifetime without learning how to do it

I nervously shake.
I stare and wonder in curiosity.
I look around and see all the socializing.
Oh how I wish I could socialize

But instead I sit in the sidelines watching.
Hoping someone will go up to me.
But of course that will never happen.
I get nervous trying to speak.
I can’t speak.
I desperately want more friends.

But that’s not possible.

I built a wall, a fortress, a prison
I've been caught in the duldrums i need a tidal wave and wisdom
I need the noise to drown out the world crashing down around me
Lost in the ruins that found me
I dont like to feel  like a soulless machine
That wont dare approach another human being
I need to break out of prison and over the wall
What do we offer? Anything at all?
Institutionalized in this prison of my mind
I hardly function outside of it. Lost in thought, doing time

Hello everyone,

  I'm so very sorry … I feel horrible doing this, but I have no choice. You see, I have published my first book on Amazon/Kindle! This piece (and many others) had to be taken down because they do not allow published material to be available online for free. (Go figure) I wanted to leave the shell of the posts because I felt compelled to leave all your helpful and loving comments. (Silly sentimental, I know), but I also didn't want to just have the pieces disappear without an explanation. I feel bad enough as it is!

  I owe ALL of you so, SO much for all of your reads, love, and support. It was YOU that gave me the gumption to FINALLY get off my **** and publish! Thank you all for the warm comments, camaraderie, and encouragement! I will still be here, reading, uploading and just being the Rascal that I am. How could I EVER leave you guys?

  The book is called “The Way I See It – FictionPhilosophySoul Food” and it will be FREE for the first few days on Kindle Select, so watch for it, if you are interested. I hope that you go and grab it. If you do, I would also hope that you find it worthy, you would leave me a good review. That will help me get in the public eye! Soon afterward (2-3 days or so), it will be available in paperback.

Find the book(s) here: www.amazon.com/author/jeff.gaines

Or find the book(s), and all about me, here: www.JeffGaines.world

  Soon after, I also hope to have my first novel (a supernatural thriller), called “Wanderer” available as well!

  Wish me luck!

                                                          ­             Big, Biggest Love,

                                                          ­                    Jeff Gaines

I see it in your eyes
You try to disguise
The smile on your face
But there’s fear inside

Fear of not being good enough
Not giving 100%
Fear of losing
Not being the best

Just be happy
In all you do
Living life is more of a challenge
Even if you don’t show
The fear on the outside

We are all hurting somehow
In many different ways
It’s how you take actions
To climb to the top of the mountain

His father
threw
tabby cats
off
the tar roof
by their tail
as a boy
with his younger brother in tow.

“Winner!” he swanked,
hairless chest puffed out
as the heat of the day
scorched the
furry heads
of the felines
in the brown bucket beside him.

Saliva escapes
in a dribble
down my son’s chin
when he cries.
His father gives him
something to cry about,
as promised.

I am an addict,
craving kindness
from my
son,
who is also my
sun
when my days are spoiled.
His love for me
is laced with
need,
sticky like fly paper
or the molasses
he spilled
on his sister’s hair
on purpose
by accident.

His father demands
answers
while shining a desk lamp
into his son’s squinted
eyes.
“Tell me the secrets,
I need to know.”
The details escape his
loyal lips
like a slithering serpent
swimming
through his mother’s milk.

His affection is
viper’s venom.
I am a
******
and,
he is my
drug.

His weighty brows
are down-turned in warning.
If I had a tail,
his father would pull it.
I brace for the next
attack,
my enigmatic eyes
closed tight
so I am
deliberately blind.

The calico cat
hobbled away
on broken bones
wondering why
two young boys
played their
beastly game.