my socialization meter is down to zero
I’d be happier if I was the only one
but no one else thinks that two.

they’re right when they say a crowd is three.
but what am I asking four?
loneliness instead of a high five?

haven’t been this antisocial since age six.
I’m supposed to be there by seven
but it’s still the morning; maybe eight.

I might be over it a little by nine,
but I’ll never feel like a full ten.

My favorite place, as you can guess
Is where I'm all alone
They say I'm antisocial, yes
Still loneliness is home

All by myself I live, I thrive
With people, not so much
I can't live like a bee in hive
I never got that touch

I run to solitude at times
To rid me from my mind
And even writing words and rhymes
Can't keep me with my kind

I've become friends with Solitude, and for a time I've known
That even if I'm left behind, with him I'm not alone

It’s like,
I want to stay in and also get out,
it’s like I want some company,
but don’t want to deal with the accompanying conversation,

it’s like I like humans,
but I don’t like what they’re about,
it’s like I like life,
but I’m tired of living,

it’s like everything seems to matter so much,
at the same time nothing seems to matter at all,
and I really want to share all this to someone,
and I’ve got the new iPhone in my hand but no one to call,

how’d I become so good,
at Social Self-Sabotage,
saw a hoodie that said Anti-Social Socialite,
and it felt like mind reading because that’s what I’d thought,

dressed to the nines as we dance with the Devil,
at the same time as we waltz with God,
“Put your left foot in pull your left foot out,
you do the Hokie-Pokie what’s this all about?”,

it’s like,
I want to stay in and also get out,
it’s like I want some company,
but don’t want to deal with the accompanying conversation…

∆ LaLux ∆

October 6th, 2018
Venice, California

I’m here

Which feels like the best I can do

It’s undoubtedly a contribution
I’ll be the contrast
everyone can talk
while I’m not

Makes me wonder

Socializing is like driving
Some go a lifetime without learning how to do it

I nervously shake.
I stare and wonder in curiosity.
I look around and see all the socializing.
Oh how I wish I could socialize

But instead I sit in the sidelines watching.
Hoping someone will go up to me.
But of course that will never happen.
I get nervous trying to speak.
I can’t speak.
I desperately want more friends.

But that’s not possible.

I built a wall, a fortress, a prison
I've been caught in the duldrums i need a tidal wave and wisdom
I need the noise to drown out the world crashing down around me
Lost in the ruins that found me
I dont like to feel  like a soulless machine
That wont dare approach another human being
I need to break out of prison and over the wall
What do we offer? Anything at all?
Institutionalized in this prison of my mind
I hardly function outside of it. Lost in thought, doing time

Hello everyone,

  I'm so very sorry … I feel horrible doing this, but I have no choice. You see, I have published my first book on Amazon/Kindle! This piece (and many others) had to be taken down because they do not allow published material to be available online for free. (Go figure) I wanted to leave the shell of the posts because I felt compelled to leave all your helpful and loving comments. (Silly sentimental, I know), but I also didn't want to just have the pieces disappear without an explanation. I feel bad enough as it is!

  I owe ALL of you so, SO much for all of your reads, love, and support. It was YOU that gave me the gumption to FINALLY get off my **** and publish! Thank you all for the warm comments, camaraderie, and encouragement! I will still be here, reading, uploading and just being the Rascal that I am. How could I EVER leave you guys?

  The book is called “The Way I See It – FictionPhilosophySoul Food” and it will be FREE for the first few days on Kindle Select, so watch for it, if you are interested. I hope that you go and grab it. If you do, I would also hope that you find it worthy, you would leave me a good review. That will help me get in the public eye! Soon afterward (2-3 days or so), it will be available in paperback.

Find the book(s) here: www.amazon.com/author/jeff.gaines

Or find the book(s), and all about me, here: www.JeffGaines.world

  Soon after, I also hope to have my first novel (a supernatural thriller), called “Wanderer” available as well!

  Wish me luck!

                                                          ­             Big, Biggest Love,

                                                          ­                    Jeff Gaines