As we grow old,
we build these walls around us,
a protective conservative envelope,
of
not trusting anyone easily.
Afraid to open up,
share our thoughts,
be friends with someone new.
Keeping it to the least,
friends only for own selfishness,
just for the mutual benefits.

Its not bad,
for we cant trust anyone easily,
living in a big city,
where every one is looking to prey on someone.
use others for their own benefits.
after being betrayed in love and friendship,
it makes sense that we stop trusting people.

BUT

Have we lost all the hope too ?
to get a good friend again ?
to find a true love ?
to open up to the other people ?
and share and talk our heart out ?

***** to be betrayed,
but
can't just hide behind the walls and be afraid.

the dreams is the worst that there is, in them
you soak up cascades of wrong
decisions and get lost in fearful
streets stairwells and cities in ruins
and fail and lose your people
your loved ones
and awake shouting or with raw noises
in the throat only your black cat may hear

When I close my eyes
And try to sleep
Attempting to rest
Letting my dreams meet

I can't stand the quiet
The unsettling silence
When my mind is restless
But the world is silent

My mind races
With ideas that aren't true
With visions that won't happen
With words that weren't spoken

But I lay there
Listening to my mind
As my body lays still
But my mind still screams

Why should I think
Of things that aren't true
Letting my nightmares haunt me
Dealing with constant restlessness

But you came
Unexpected and fast
I have whiplash from your kindness
Words I have never heard before

But as I lay there
Tightly in your arms
I feel comfort
For once I feel safe

My mind stays silent
Even without the rain
Without the fan
It's still quiet

Instead I listen to you
How your chest rises and falls
How your heart begins to settle
Even your sighs of contempt

Everything is still new
And I'm afraid
But when you just hold me
I've never felt this safe

I do not know what love is
Never having the feeling in my chest
But when I lay here with you
I feel I'm at my best

Thank you my love I know that will soon bloom

I am down and out.

I stay in my safe place.

I try to convince myself I’m not hiding

In fact I hide because I’m afraid

Afraid of things I’ll do if I go out.

I’m so strong but right now I’m nothing.

I feel like the world is suffocating me

No one understands, they can’t cope

When I am not myself.

I carry everything I smile I talk.

When I don’t people flee they disappear

Where are my people, I need you

I’m trying but I feel tied down.

Everything hurts everything doesn’t make sense.

I can’t be strong all the time.

I am not. I feel down and I feel like escaping.

I go from
Tear to tear
Flowing with
Each drop
That falls..
I land with it.
Fear,
Afraid of
A what if?
That the question
In my head,
Whining
And doubting..
I want it
To end.
But then
Nothing will be..
And I'll be me.
Fear comes..
Afraid,
I am
all over again.