(tw; abandonment)

How long has it been?

So long that the number escapes me,
long enough that I've forgotten the last time I saw you,
face to face, spoke to you,
long enough that sometimes,
I forget what you look like,
how your voice sounds.

Have you changed since we last spoke?

It's not often, but on occasion,
you slip into my subconscious,
and I remember you vividly,
like it was just yesterday that I saw you,
when in reality, it's been... years.
Once, I dreamed that you hugged me.
I miss that feeling,
I miss the enveloping warmth,
the feeling of love I used to get when I was around you.

Do you dream about me?

I graduated from high school this summer.
I never thought I would,
or that I even could, but I did.
You weren't there.
I looked out into the crowd of people,
of families.
I saw mine.
But the one person I was hopeful to see wasn't there.

When did you lose interest in me?

I still have your letters.
I avoid reading them,
but I remember the promises you made in them,
the assurance that you would change,
you would be a better you and love me like I deserved.
I found it hard to write back.
I didn't know what to say.
I was young, immature.
I had the words in my head,
but putting them on paper,
that was a whole other mountain to climb,
and even for one so young,
my arms were weak
from the mountains I had already scaled,
hands calloused,
damaged from the harsh edges of the life I lived.
It was too daunting.
But, still, I hoped you would stay true to your word.

Why did you lie to me?

All this time I've spent alone,
trying to fill the void you left behind,
with anything and anyone I had access to,
and I always end up more broken than I started.
It's hard to believe that anyone will ever love me
because you didn't.

Am I unworthy of your love?

There's so much I've wanted to say to you,
and even when I try to reach out,
you have nothing to say in reply
so much will be left unresolved,
because there's a good chance we will never speak again,
that one of us will die before we can sit down and talk,
like we haven't done in so long,
but if there was one last question I could ask you,
it would be...

Do you miss me, father?

Your toes curl under quivering breath

     in abandon to the power of sweet caress
  
     yes
          yes!

Yes! to the dripping ecstasy of our union

     to the penetrated walls of the Self

we dance wildly through puddles & stains  

     free of the pains of fetters and chains

          Free!

we cast into the fire the boundaries of flesh

     & weave our bodies into euphoric mesh

prostrate at the flowing alter of Love.

Sometimes lovers fall in love to find out that once your heart stops beating it's all you got.
Sometime's eyes catch a strangers eye to know that you'll always be alone.
But why, why must you abandon me, abandon my heart out of every little thing.
We have worked so hard for this precious gift and to be thrown away into the thin air as if it were nothing.
Our hands were molded together like a ceramic art but now falling apart.
Each time we have kissed it's like a wave melting throughout our spirits.
Abandon, just do it, abandon me because i love you.
I want nothing more from you but your love and devotion.
Speechless, dry conversations that were once filled with excitement.
Some days you love me, and others you abandon me.
You are the key to my heart.
Why is it so hard to love but yet easy to hate.
All i ask if for your attention and love but now i'm being abandoned and i can feel your soul slowly drifting away.
Please come back, talk to me at last, feel my love with a tender kiss.
Don't become a shadow, yet even the shadows you may become i will always seize to remember.

This is how this story goes
I ask you, how does it feel when the lights don't stop
Bright screens blinding you, no place to go
Abandon Everything you know
And run away, escape from the prison of
Preconceptions
Let go, go out, free yourself from the chains
Abandon all the things you know
Put an end to the tedious cycle
I ask you once more, how does it feel?
How does feel when the tides slam into you?
Just run away, run into the emptiness
No cell phones, no TV
Let go, move out, here the words of judgement
don't stop
Abandon Everything you hold dear
Just quit, run away, run away
Just let go, be free
Hide your thoughts no more
Get out, move away from there vicious hearts
They say there's no place to go
But that's what makes worth trying.

Today I am lost

Not the lost where you don’t know the way

yet you know the destination,

But the scarier one,

The one where you don’t know the destination... period

So what happens to the journey?

Where does she go without him?
————————————————
today I am lost and so is she

Today I ask and so does she:

When in the world is he?

The sun rose out among verdant still hills.
High peaks, forests and earth stole their eyes away from this charade.
Strands of light refuse to illuminate me.
As the the play proceeds with divine authority.

Each bird is standing on its feet and spreading its wings.
Tigers brandish guns at their young, unaware of the anguish hungrily stalking behind.
And the men with hearts of black gold walk away with their heads down.
As we are all eaten away by ignorance.

The hands of fate stitch together a torn garment of time.
Embroidering its history of suffering.
But the answer to your questions won't be found in gods clothes.
There's a lot more suffocating water in this ocean than treasure.

But your heart withstood the weight of it all.
And its callouses grew over their shadows left behind.
But when it beats, I can still hear the screams
Of your abandonment.

What is faith
but an empty promise
to a God
that abandoned us
years ago