You know what's harder than falling for the bad guy?
Falling for the others
The seemingly nice ones
The good guys

The signs are all there afterall,
Everyone can't stop raving about how wonderful he is
The ideal nice guy

And for a moment
Just one moment of blindsidedness
You believe it
You let it consume you
Revelling in the positives
Lacing together each moment spent together
Into a beautiful story

The perfect beginning, middle and end
Designed intricately by yours truly
A potential work of art
Destined for greatness perhaps
Isn't it?

The pride of your masterpiece
destroys you
Engulfing your sense of reality
Blinding you from the truth
The falsehood of it
A piece that depicts nothing
Nothing but an illusion
Another dimensional reality
One you don't  live in
And probably never will

And sometimes
In those rare moments of silence
It comes back
The crushing harsh reality
Your foolhardy choices laid bare
And you admit
Quietly to yourself
For who else can your true self be revealed to?

Maybe
Just maybe you were wrong
Those masterful strokes of perfection
The gleaming knighthood of it all
Just a lie?

A veil drawn over your sense of truth
So strong it blinded you
Completely
Drowning you in its falsehoods
The shores of reality no more than a distant memory

You know what's worse than falling for the bad guy?
Falling for the right one.

I wish I could look in the mirror everyday
and think I looked beautiful.
I wish I could walk into a room full of strangers
with my head held high and my story to tell.
I wish I was really talented at something like everyone else.
I wish I knew what I was doing with my life.
I wish I was skinny to the bone so I could go to the beach
with pride and look like all my friends.
I wish I didn't have to say "goodbye" so often
that my chest aches in a familiar way.
I wish I thought better of myself.

it's so hard to hold onto my sanity when i watch them lose control.
it's so easy to fall, even though i know it'll be hell.
i could be weak and do it again;
feel the bitterness and gagging,
the dizziness and hear my giggling.
or i could control myself and be bland. tasteless.
i don't want to be a bore,
i want to be a firefly that makes your eyes widen at the golden star i carry on my back.
but i don't want to get squashed by your fingers,
so what am i supposed to do?

I approach most desires
like a competition; can I
**** better than him;
can I be famous at twenty-
-three since he was famous at
twenty-four -- I must be able
to sink better than him.

God, it is exhausting. I
feel like I'm dancing with
a machine; a phantom that
I can never catch, for it runs
on my blood; my insecurities;
my passion -- and, boy, oh boy,
can I attest to having plenty of
  that stuff, ladies and germs.

I think, truly, that I am
encompassing the American Dream
I think is utterly flawed; that I think
is futile in nature; that I am sure of
is the closest thing to Hell, in this
Godless, spiritually motherless
dark shoebox of sudden collisions;
this space of useful and useless
results, splayed onto and into
our hearts, asking for reverence.

There is nothing  I want more
than to be sure that my importance
is not illusory. I am not sure if
I am real.

You were not a mistake,
Even though my heart still aches.
Even though you and I are separated
By an infinite number of stars.
Even though we no longer get to touch,
And everything I feel hurts too much.

You were a choice I made,
You are not a mistake.

I wait
Swaying with the long grass
Humming low
Whispering the bear songs
I wait
Palms open to the the evening breeze
Legs tense in suspense
Eyes closed
I wait
................All the time I bent for you
................ All the time I spent changing for you
..................All the moments I kept myself in check for you
I have nothing left to give
Now I wait
I wait
For the Moon
His gentle touch on my soul
I wait
For the Moon
To rise and ask nothing of me but what I am
I wait
For the Moon
In this long dusk into twilight
Breathing in the dark
As I set

(JL)

Let me do my work each day;
and if the darkened hours
of despair overcome me, may I
not forget the strength
that comforted me in the
desolation of other times. May I
still remember the bright
hours that found me walking
over the silent hills of my
childhood, or dreaming on the
margin of the quiet river,
when a light glowed within me,
and I promised my early God
to have courage amid the
tempests of the changing years.
Spare me the bitterness
and from sharp passions of
unguarded moments. May
I not forget that poverty and
riches are of the spirit.
Though the world may know me not,
may my thoughts and actions
be such as shall keep me friendly
with myself. Lift my eyes
from the earth, and let me not
forget the uses of the stars.
Forbid that I should judge others
lest I condemn myself.
Let me not follow the clamor of
the world, but walk calmly
in my path. Give me a few friends
who will love me for what
I am; and keep ever burning
before my vagrant steps
the kindly light of hope. And
though age and infirmity overtake
me, and I come not within
sight of the castle of my dreams,
teach me still to be thankful
for life, and for time's olden
memories that are good and
sweet; and may the evening's
twilight find me gentle still.

restless countless

count yourself
boundless

found mess
inside my brain
soundless

silence
violence
and a pinch
of lawless

compress things
with loudness

somewhere here
south west

no sleep no rest
sowed seed grow lest

maketh tree
with tears shed

read free
the words wept

a forest to see
at a place mindless

can you please
mind less ?
the madness

your time is free
mine priceless

you want to be
me timeless