(gulp)

couldn’t resist a minute more.

Relapse

I again…

After six months sober

Here.

in this pain I know all too well.

Ten years lost to this drug, my veins ache for.

First breath in the morning and last thought at night all consumed by it,

Every cell in me craves it.

That physical euphoria my body portraits.

Feels like someone has poured pure joy into every single muscle and fiber of my being.

It makes me feel so content

I am literally in love the entire world.

Every single bit of me is singing and buzzing with life and love.

It’s like the ecstasy of *******. That first, blissful, pleasurable pulsation of endorphin's and serotonin.

Is what I feel when I first take LOVE.

And then,

And then, the honeymoon stage is over.

Fights erupt,

never-ending debates,

miscommunications,

misperceptions,

no trust,

accusations,

lies,

“I’m done”

…

Again, it feels like a part of my soul is leaving my body.

Again, sitting here numb.

A toxic love

I’m addicted too,

And there’s no way around it.

It’s already deep intertwined with my veins.

Yet no matter the toxic tragic event that happened before, I sit here, and I want nothing more than to spend my life next to this soul.

To see his eyes unchanged as the skin around it wrinkling and old, is what my heart will always desire, to stare at those eyes for the rest of eternity.

Dead air…


















So here I’ll wait, until you decided to come into my life again and repeat this déjà vu.

The riveting heart feels
the weight of trouble
The rebel is like a watchdog
sentinel
Whats in our Bible?
Things change to make the
difference

"Like a new invention but there is interference"

The Castle you hear
a rattle wasn't a baby rattle
Minds settling or quietly dazing
No defeating over the rainbow
It's like running then you stop
You look at his watered fingers
Of the great lakes, he's admiring
your lady's fingers

Lips divine as one like us
The gold rush collection
Just a secret hush affection
A treaty concession
Picking out the candy
          Skittle
The pivoting flying shy like a sky
riddle
Him or Her piloting its time
Two sets of eyes world of exploring
Not to keen
on exploiting

Her dress movie flowing prayers to
be answered so vain
Heads Spin city flaunting
Defeats us haunting
Who loves us
Who will help us
       SOS
Like a delicacy one of a kind
She's the rebel let her guess
Such a rarity smile with
dignity dressed up doll
she is dainty
To many disguises to face the
mirror of vanity
Rebel Rebel David Bowie
He is a genius of music
Shines a world gigantic

Rebel world of cults and sanity
What was heavily Tis
To be blessed
Rebels of hearts of Madonna
Greyhound bus

Our scorched finger heats
Riding the *Porshe Red firehouse
A beat something rare but overly sweet
Robin risque I  need more clues
Braveheart Riding hood in the woods
to be saved in her rebel shoe's

Queen heads up with the Dean
 Her embossed gold letters
Of a spell, forever mean
The heats on rebels defeat over
Modern time the "Dell"

Rebel wish from a deserving well

Computer and devil decipher
Compelled to love her
The Dark Shadows mansion
Angelique scarlet fever
Dark inside her label dress
What did he deliver?
"'Who lives by the standard rule messy is ****"
Rebel rebel look at your bloodshot pupils
taking things for granted

Freakish odd things posted
Are bizarre even her brassiere
Mean as a *Manchette
We are not as one
normal read the Gazette
More rivals and feather
pen of forgery
What a hard act to follow like surgery
Every molecule being
dissected to poke
A love primal no
common ground
This isn't a joke

Everyone tantalizing tribal
Creatures not in direct sunlight
Defeats us like rebels at night
Being inconsistent rebels
lead the way but far away
distant

We are not realizing what defeats us
Endorphin releasing our energy
Lifting our orphan spirits
Moon worshipper climbers
We are the simple people
Nothing too explicit
Or razor sharp to cut us

The Messiah
Solomon Torah of Isreal
Old Testament Jerusalem
Everything is way too ****** red
Like Salem
What defeats us
Voodoo or Christmas Hoo Hoo

Santas gift got stolen and snatched
Having a fight with a door latch
Magic somehow not in our favor to match
Tragic music rock or swing jazz of a glitch
But everything defeats us
Psychic third eye
She is so tragically hurt
So Manic not the
brave rebel flirt

Like the limited edition
So many of us are uninvited
Not the VIP pass
Ressurection new rebel convention
Unique kind of communication

The last time I saw you on vacation
Relic hunters the lightning
Hells Angel rider conjuring
What mouths to feed of thunder
Nazis all  our undivided
attention pictures
They snap having a field day
of paparazzi
Priestesses devil wears the
Prada dresses were out
of designers
I wonder why to travel heretics
Such treachery and butchery
Being grilled like steaks but
not a Dynasty
Too graffitied feeling fried
How loves are taken like the fools

The business arrangements
Foreign exchange groups
Rebelling their way
through college
Time is the essence of
being mutual
beneficial much
higher potential
More spiritual rituals
We need more Gods of top
rank **Generals
General Mills cereal at least
not the serial killer

Endorphin showers for hours
Crash my waves of sorrow and bring me muscles to shine on the world viewed as imperfect.
Its the happiness I never want to leave but it drifts,
its white cloud up and up,
Contact high as it passes my friends I want to share
To care for you all
Vibe in this opposite of ominous
parade bound for cheer, without beer just extracted hormones.
I’ll twirl you like a pencil
dizzy
yet gay, for a day, where I can make someone
you
Happy:)

Your smell particles,
the
air
I breathe
The drug I need,
the endorphin I need...

Simply missing your presence,...
--how you said you loved me,
your warmth,
your gentleness,...
-- and the consciousness that you're there, ...

... Even though not in person ...

As I spread my arms for your voice...
Silence answered me, ...
Nothingness whispered he's here...
--a sole hero walking against the desert scorching sun...

Now the roses you gave me had withered and died...--
As how you felt towards me...
Nurtured, then cut off to whiter and dry ...

Unspoken words behind your tightly clasped lips,
the embers in your eyes betrayed you, dear ...
Cold
As
snow,
Not as pure
Murky as ridden by dirt...

You are another trinket,...
I close the chest of your shadow...
I'd never cut your wings,
so there, off you go,... --off with the stream,...

... cascading into nothingness ...

The beauty summons us to see
But it pushes us back to where
we want to be
So let it be I don't think so?
And if its just so why are you
dropping a hint

It's my call falling for him
Stairway to Brain heaven
The Godly lights epic picks
Start to  dim

Conquering him
The Christopher Columbus
The brains of America going out
of my mind

But falling for someone
please have a decent loving
heart humankind

I hear two people calling
Two brains are far apart

Our brain the happening
Your awakening to stretch
Play it smart
One drop falling

Two waterfalls
The Seasons summer
Your brain is
Springing eyes emerging
and falling in love
In the fall

New love calls
Sometimes the relationship
falls
The brain of the throne
All you see are dead head clones
Frankenstein met the blind man
His brain was wicked and strange
But changed to a kind man
The brain is governed by madness
Like your falling stars

Like the last laugh the class clown
Even you feel like your falling
In another outer- limit town
The brain is over your limit
something to fight off the
bad memories
  Or the enemies and the fight
Something you feel in your brain
Kicked the daylights out of you
And at night the moon is spinning
You don't know where it's turning
You're under the cusp fighting

Your arm wrestling but your mind is
Scarlet falling (Gone with the Wind) in
another direction
There is something in the way
With your brain needs
more affection
Like the endorphin

Reproduce repair damage
We need more fuel to kick start it
And gasoline it up
With the right outlook, it could be years
to understand but don't give up
I got a brain my (Cafe) shock full of brains
on my intellectual cup

  The sword up to experiment like
the sorcerer keeping some distance
to his lover
Your brain is an experience
like no other
The world is a brain
relationship it
needs to be worked on
My fuel is my Coffee
Welcome Hi  Chai Tea join me

The spiritual connection
feeding you
Staying healthy  looking up
All the greens kale or broccoli
The super brain women her
Superman
vitamins
The better balance
of life and good company
Your spiritual awareness
Somehow over thinking
got you careless
Don't let your brain
fall into a ditch
We are the world opens up
to everyone

And show your kindness from the
ridiculous to the sublime just ****
on a lemon or lime

Goes timber tree watch out you
were close enough to see it fall
Being selective this is not about
Taking electives starting to fail
Or falling he sees you high up on the
cliff
The beach-tropics more brain wired
topics taking a sniff
Your brain waves flooding your
vacation

Niagara Falls looking out the big
Mr. Anderson window hands
perfectly fall together
He had such a Fall-out with the
The manager he did fall for her
That heavy smoke the cigarette bud
Needed to be put out
You sneeze a wrong time to say
(God Bless you) you felt timeout
And what about the world
They must mean something
there all not
computer dummies

The barbecue nightmare
Did you go brain dead
But falling torrential rain
over bodies to be wed
The rarity of the mind fuse
has been
blown out
Like he saw falling stars so intricate
out of blown glass

( Florence Italy) a wedding started
to fall right
into place

The Royce Royce was as
white as her skin and wedding gown

But your used car needed a tune-up
All sounds of the motor clunk junkyard
Her brain was the volcano her mouth was
as loud
as the falling rocks
By the high up docks, where was her brains
no one heard you
On the deserted Island, the bird was
flying in flocks

The cortex of her brain rocks on
the  house drink

We love to watch the falling leaves
something you saw
On her white sheer blouse,
your teardrops
falling on her heart sleeve
Endless lifeless, loveliness,
All streams
But not your girl Brook_*

In October remember the falling
red fire the mass between the
Einstein brain of words
you got hired blinded by stars
Leaves were mixed the brown
warm cocoa
hot desire the  terra cotta-gold
The Villa seashore was sold
What we put in our brain is endless
We need to tightly hold

Our  kitten mittens her nose tip of the snow
So cold but someone is there to
pick you up when you fall
Do you believe falling in love is timeless

Sometimes I need someone

let us have a chat
meet somewhere here
or in a conversation box

we could laugh together
and share some
endorphin sweets

cutting isn't enough
red lines, welling up
from my heart

the kerfs of my tribe
saw teeth, welling up
from my heart

and read my poetry
red lines, welling up
from my heart

I broke again today.
The earth shattering at my feet
became a mountain beneath my toes
of all the things I should try to hold back.
Hold it back.
Deny yourself the freedom of expression
because it will linger upon your wrists.
Stop yourself here.
I try to stop myself in my tracks
but I end up getting stuck in the mud
and there's no one here to help me out
so I end up sinking again.
As the waste reaches my mouth
I am silenced.
The will I had to bring myself out of this mold
has vanished and I am a sinking ship once again.
No one ever tells you how to cope.
How to trace your fingers across scares you've made for yourself-
how to turn this madness into something so beautiful.
No one knows what it's like.

I was 17 when I discovered I had manic depression-
the words left my therapists lips like they were an execution notice.
"This isn't a diagnosis" she muttered
"This is who you are, who you've always been
it's not a death sentence".
But why did I feel as if I was being sent to death row-
to be hung by the noose I had made myself
out of tragedy and molestation and abuse.
There were no flowers at this burial.
Just a long awaited sigh of relief.
I always knew I wasn't like everyone else.
She drew me a picture of what it was like-
there were five stages of the imbalance living in my bones.
Major depression, dysthymia, normalcy, hypomania and mania-
she drew me a picture like she was trying to map me out
like she was drawing a Ned's declassified Bipolar Survival guide-
She explained it well.
How the days of normalcy tend to come and go again and again
but the mania and the major depression
pack their bags and stay awhile.
The major depression is like
a visit from a mentally abusive family member
that makes a point to tell you what the **** is wrong with you
when you already know, you tell yourself the same things everyday.
But the mania is like you're fun aunt that buys you beer
and tells you it's okay to **** whoever you want.
Get that piercing, dye your hair, who gives a ****?
The world is yours and the endorphin high you're on-
yeah that's your best ******* friend.
That's the aunt you wish you could be-
and sometimes they take you out on dinner dates-
they'll tell you how horrible you are and remind you
of all the things you have to be worried about.
They fill your head with nonsense and anxiety-
they convince you life would be better without you.
But then you remember what the mania feels like
when it's just the both of you bonding over ice cream
and spending too much money on thing you don't need-
you don't ever want her to leave..
"The mania is why most people don't get help" she said.

Mental illnesses are like actual illnesses-
they're a chemical imbalance in your brain
and you don't tell someone with diabetes
"Oh hey, just think that you're insulin is fine and it will be"
It doesn't ******* work like that.
See the Norepinephrine ran away when I was young
and the lack their of decided to hangout with serotonin.
They became best friends-
so I became the third wheel
and suddenly they both just stopped coming around.
I found a journal from when I was seven-
It said, "I don't want to be here anymore."
Most seven year old were taking care of furby's
or watching saturday morning cartoons-
But me? I wanted to end my life
like it was another ******* rerun
of the same episode you ******* hated
and all you want to do is turn it the *******
but there's really nothing else on TV
so you watch anyway.
Idly sitting there as you're hating every second-
But I'm still alive.
And these hands have dealt with more than just cuts
and pills bottles that became empty with mania that became worse-
I'm staring blankly at this page she drew for me.
Mapping out my mania like it's roller coaster tycoon
I think I'll call it Avalanche because ever since
I was labeled as having "Manic Depression",
I've been climbing my battles ever since-
even though some days, they try to fight back.  
There was a word to the way I was feeling
and a map to express it.
I felt like when I was young and I led Dora to the correct place-
all because of the map guiding her to her destination.
My therapist gave me the map-
she drew my way into understanding.
I haven't found my way home quite yet-
but at least I now know where I'm going.

Four months
Too long
Too cold
Too dark
Too busy
Held ransom
By reasons
No excuses
Idiopathic idiocy
Pathological apathy
Four months
Of pain
Eradicated by
four seconds
Of cycling
Cognitive breakthrough
A synaptic symphony
Endorphin re-indoctrination
Free flight
From myself
Four months
*******

Well !
To justify the word
"Perfect"
All great artists
Have invested
Some more ink
Some more color
Some more truth
Some more sense
Some more time
Some more endorphin
Some more emotion
To detail
Their perception

Honoring the spirit
With passion to prime
Their enthusiasm
And insight to give
Eternal life endlessly
Consoling their soul
They invest

Nothing more