I’m sorry I didn’t make a life with you
I’m more sorry that wasn’t even an option
because to be honest
I still miss
…

I do love the feel
Of your big hard strong **** in me.
But I’m telling you
I don’t need you or your hard ****
for ****** satisfaction

Oh baby,
I know you’ve moved on
are gone
Except as …
friend? stalker? past acquaintance?
Anything but lover
Anything but confidante or soulmate…

I am stronger than I look,
Stronger than you know
Able, independent, self-loved

I am my own
“Oh god! oh god! oh my god!”

I worshipped you, loved you eternal…
now
I am my own god
I’ll miss you…but not too much
beloved ****

I’ll not touch you
If You don’t want me to
From your words & acts I’ll take my cue
But if you flip my switch & with your okay
I’ll make your mind go numb as you sway
To my hypnotic grind when I have my way
Caressing, confessing
secret hungers that crawl beneath my skin
The need to feel you plunge within
I’m years’ deep now, excitable
Sensations beyond all you imagine
Urging me to dance that dance with your permission
But ONLY if you flip my switch
If not, have no fear
Just friends, then, here

What if in my waning years
No child, friend or Love I find
close beside to truly know my mind?
This my midnight fear I ponder:
As time marches on
will I be left behind…

Please forgive me
I’ve been selfish but understand now:
You have more pressing worries than concerns of the heart;
More demanding business than that of this love.
Such distractions as passions are too much a burden.
I wish you well;
I wish you peace of heart and mind.

You were the rhyme
i thought i could write back to life
Until i learned
the Reader had long since died

“Rest in Peace, Poem Beloved”
as fresh flowers i lay
on an overgrown grave

Just hold me  
Wipe away my tears  
Promise me  
Someday  
Because I miss you  

I think I hear  
Why  
But it doesn’t stop  
Me crying  
Or wishing  
Because I miss you
  
Do you know what I miss the most?
Friendship
I miss being friends.

Of course my heart would break for either:
death is death.
“code Adam” in the store today
fused my heart with his parent’s
heart beating fearfully for Wilder
age 7 in an orange shirt…
at least He was found

there’s no grey in black & white
until the bleeding starts
then, sometimes
there’s even color

Aimless; trying to focus;
find I’m wandering ether-bound
Breezy lyrics ever ringing—
music in my ears, it echoes all around
Nothing yet can free reminders
aching love & numbing loss.
See their fingers clawing, reaching, helpless
for the witch they burned & tossed
Hurt & anger seething—fire-fuel
Sick that I’m the one let go
Though wings they took; Burned me…gone!
****, I’ll be their ghost flambeaux!
What’s that? Now my tonic you desire?
Now the witches brew you crave?
All that I have left to offer
are these deathly flames you gave…

When we first met
I knew of little else--
Ignorant and innocent
You were my greatest love

Now I’ve been around
Sampled years of life
Yet I desire no one else
You ARE my greatest love

Downhill spiral
Thoughts in mire roll
A mess
I confess
Obsess
Over the next
Is the ache
from a mistake?
Because I take?
or just the flu?
I’m missing you!
There’s no right
Submit? or fight?
Morning to night
Just wasting time
Asphyxiated mine
Broken rhyme
it all is wrong
an off-key song
Absence prolong
What this means?
splitting seams
Shattered dreams
it’s simple, plain
You’re on the brain
Through joy and pain
Time misses you
As I do, too

I’ve not driven Her streets alone with thoughts of you breaking through
since those jet-lagged days here from Taiwan…
Now, driving this eve I KNOW
with Her rivers and bridges, rainy days and viewing ridges
That this City holds hidden memories long—
See? She remembers still those 2 figures who sat & talked there on the water front…
Nor did She forget the love-entrenched girl scratching out (between clients) poetic lines
composed as her magical hands worked to relax
spasmed muscles…
Ironic that nothing yet worked to soothe
a spasming heart, denied…

This Sunday, more of Her streets I will see—
Like that one I was driving to work
when heart-break broke me until I thought
I’d just drive & drive on forever… though never Arrive…
I’ve arrived…Full circle but now
Unbreakable
As again a knife breaks through the rain
driving pain
Deep
(I don’t think you saw or cared to see
the wish I wrote that we go deep…
“I want you so deep…deep inside” as Vintage Culture sang)
I guess this is all to say,
as I drive through this tired city today,
Like these murky rivers etched on the map
There flows through my mind & my veins
a story—unfinished…
never to be

I really wish I could hate you
Or, better yet, just not care
Because it’s weak how i wear
This need for you everywhere
It can’t be helped, this seeking you
Burns endless in my aching breast
Please let me know you more

Cold rain-showers flood the winters here.
I’ve felt bubbling cool waterfalls
touch the senses like
ruby red ***** shots shared.
Cool waterfalls, winter rain showers, sensual shots
all remind…
like
the warm shower just now—long, sensual
Pleasure
I find
Myself
finally at peace with the water
(when fibers grip as muscles pulse
and water falls)
a heart throb? or break? so close . . .
both leave me gasping for life-giving breath
This water reminds…
If only to find
another guilty shot shared with you.
rather I’m
missing peace?
Am I pretending?
Where is life without a heart?
(pulsing muscle fibers of life)
where is my heart?
where is the missing piece?
Am I Really at peace with the water?
I am more now, at least,
than I was at 23

The rivers run dry, the rivers run dry, the rivers run dry tonight.
There’s a drought in the soul, a drought in the heart, a drought in the will to fight.
The water is turned to poison. The poison will crush your soul.
The water is turned to poison that burns up your whole
The castle collapsed to the dungeon; the dungeon is where we live
Dark and hungry and soulless with nothing left to give

My head aches from
this empty sameness
or maybe it just aches
from dregs of flu
I know my heart aches
from emptiness of you
yet to find the filler
to replace your space

I often cannot sleep in the deep
of night these days of late
when whispers of your memories
Rustle the pages of my mind
Until the world feels up-side down
hobbling along on a single foot
epitomizes sensations of art
meant to be shared by you
so I pretend to write and paint
playing at art as a child playing at life
whether calling it “house” or “family”
matters not when none of the actors
live in these cards
If only we could re-draw
would I hold your love in my hand
in another round of life?

Your smile
Lights the brightest
Fireworks.
You ignite explosions
spectacular
in my midnight sky.

Burn me, drown me, take me down
A Flaming Phoenix, I’ve been around
Uproot, transplant, a new me is found
Cut me, crush me, I rise from the ground

Mistake not this fire for a coal black soul
These colorful flames are brilliant & whole
My talons and wings don’t think to control
If passion is sin, I go to Sheol

Shackle me back with those chains I wore?
I won’t scream, bite or claw, but spread wings & soar
I tried to love his cold ash before
That grit in my mouth I’ll suffer no more

Moved twenty times by sweet 16
Learned young to breathe through the in-between
Grey ashes taught how to blaze & gleam
From that dungeon I ascend as Queen

Go, then!
I know the taste of shame
Erase the guilty memories of my name
but, please, in some hidden recess of your mind
find a way, a place to love me if you can
or pity if you must
Just, please don't hate me.
Give a care that I am heartsick & forgive
this contagion crafting errors of my ways
mistakes that further distanced you from me
and see
I just miss you still.

You let my heart
run wild
with yours today
…
I wish I could say, it’s true…
but, rather, I just miss you

There’s a freak in her brain taking over again.
Dormant she waited, tortured then baited…
Emotional break…
“Once, Love? for memories’ sake?”
Yet, once is not enough.
Starved, she begs.
She’s rough. She’s plagued.
Demanding nightly, never lightly—
impassioned penance, love’s disease,
maintaining as fresh though long deceased
those mutual sins, two decades past…
Would you put her heart to rest?
Alas! her need is too deep, too vast
while you’ve no care left to soften her nest
Mourning, consumed, she resumes
downcast.

I considered another
Something only you
A hidden clue—connector of hearts
Our secret

I picture you as A hawk n me a phoenix
(I do like a bit of worddplay)
I imagyne majestic raptors
Soared the vast blue ether of your hometown...
& I remember as a child
searching Southern skkies for a red-tailed hawk...
+
I alwayz loved this symbol of you
before we even met

I can’t decide where your bird might reside:
maybe as a guardian perched atop a shoulder?
I would like to see it often
not have it hidden as so much else must be...
Should it rest a reminder on my wrist
of how my pulse beats to rhythms of your memory?

As a symbol, I prefer an abstract drawing...
Perhaps a single line?
or geometric design
reminiscent of Cathedral glass?
(Metaphor of our lives)
Should I incorporate the ampersand?my constellation?
The hawk could be a water-brush design
Unfinished?

...possibilities

I wonder
what you might suggest
as an image of your memory
Buried ‘neath my skin

Speak to me in languages
of the sea, soil & skies
sing as the stars brushing velvet night
as the breeze teaching leaves to dance
Lace my lashes with flower dust
the glitter of time & memories past
splash the serum of love across my lips
color me with speeches of beauty
tonight
Sing me into sleeping dreams with the love in your heart
speak to me in languages
of *** and magic
Trace my desires
they all lead back to the art
when we were in love
with our hopefully
interlaced kisses
Speak to me
In whatever form your whispers take
As long as you promise
Future

Is it external factors
Halting more chapters?
Or an innate absence of appeal?
Collapsing love once real…
Empty sorrow
Of endless empty tomorrows
Piercing heart is all I feel

Then
I read the saddest good-bye’s
From cold grey eyes
Denying a glance my way
Now
Mournful another would claim
Gifts writ in your name
for desires you could not say
Ever
The longing holds true
I’m wishing for you…
But respect holds me at bay

Yes
Don’t we all just want to feel
****
Smart
Attractive
Desirable
& mostly LOVED…
Don’t we all want to know
We’re valued
Admired
Appreciated &
Mostly LOVED

don’t we all just need to know
We matter?

I matter…I am ****…I am important…I am LOVED!
You matter! You are ****.  You are important! You are LOVED!
So don’t
Fade away
We MATTER
Always…
We all need to know
We matter to someone…
You are everything to me

Valuing far more than being valued
Decades & counting
Yet to find a lover who loves
as loved

sorrow

I told the wrong times
from the wrong time zone
But that’s the simplest of all the wrongs
Like the wrong second…triple…more-
Guessing myself
How much else was wrong?
The illusion?
Delusion?
Or conclusion?
Action? the reaction?
Wrong? Wrong? Wrong?
& this is why I beg:
please don’t judge me…please!
I judge aplenty
all. by. myself.
Judging these judgments as wrong
Ever & forever
Digging, digging, digging for answers
Yet all i find —
more questions, more questions…
& the ever echoing certainty
One thing won’t die
One truth remains
One desire burns eternal
Is it wrong?
Wrong? Wrong? Wrong?
I suppose it must be
Since you’re Gone, Gone, Gone

Midnight aches
My body shakes
Stifled tear
to hold you near
Pleading ask
Remove the mask
Say truthfully
If you love me
All I know
I need you so!
Yet, sad these sighs
Hope only lies

I will deeply miss
these spaces where your mists reside
yet I cannot abide the pain
that rattles my brain when you hide
and anyway,
that room has said “goodbye”
so must I (with mournful sigh)
still, I WILL so deeply miss
these spaces where your mists reside

I feel you deep within my soul
I feel you engraving a hole
I feel you devouring my whole
I feel you deleting your role
I feel you erased; I lose control
I feel you evaporate my soul
I wonder what REALLY is your goal?

The hunger written in your eyes
Traced in softest lines along your lips
Visions of the need you felt…
Twined around my heart
& stayed, remained
Rooted deeply in my past & now & evermore
Yes, they remain — these photos etched into my memories
favorite visions of desire
igniting my desire
Evermore
None other can compare
Lips speaking more than words
Beyond the promise of “I love you”
Did those lips lie?
Possibly forget?
Embrace a kiss more passionate?
I only know, those lips—
Echoes of a love so deeply missed!
Now every time I see such hunger in expression
I remember and desire you alone
& your hungry eyes

Don’t you know you ****** with my heart
Don’t you know you ripped it apart
Don’t you know I’ll make a new start
I can turn this chaos to art

Over fifteen years of friendship you tossed
Still I didn’t count you as lost
Patiently melting thick frost
‘Til back into my life you crossed

Was it all just a game to you?
Will I forever mean shame to you?
Now denied all hope to reclaim with you
The love we once both proclaimed e’er true

Yet, these tattoos proudly are worn,
Though, at times this love is a thorn,
Your friendship I never would scorn
It’s your “not in the future” I mourn

I wonder, is trust a thing of the past?
Could deep friendship not truly last?
Now it seems much has surpassed
the care you once held fast.

you dwell so deep within my fantasy
i cannot loose you from my longing
your name and touch flow through my veins
your body is my heat
your face and voice though faded, reappear
in watercolor visions of my dreams
your erasure fails
because you are my book of memories
you’ll ever be my always wish
when i frame my love
when i draw the walls of home
there you remain
my love
ever haunting my hope

So much I offer:
I would be your home…
a listening interested empathetic ear;
love, care, accepting all of you and more!
admiration, worship, undying affection,
appreciation, patience, love,
words, images, actions of deep passionate desire,
seeking to fulfill your every fantasy,
pleasure in your pleasure,
giving, understanding, long-lasting friendship
so much I have to offer
I KNOW my worth…
If you don’t, that’s on you…
others will…
just know, I’ll always care,
& you’ll always hold
My #1 position
So, if you ever really SEE me…
I have an epi pen ready…
Always,

Driving home today  
my heart missed you  
I embraced it--that strong emotion of longing  
A daily occurrence
I'm lucky to have you to miss


. . .

(now, looking back)
I WAS lucky!
still am
...to have known you...

I'd rather miss you (however painfully)
than have those memories nonexistent
I'd rather wish you would talk
than not know how your voice would sound

Though that hope no more can flourish
the sentiments remain:
I'm lucky
missing you.

The teen Eagles trying to share the long sandbank outside my window
Humored me repeatedly with their swole posturing & mid-flight scuffles
It is strange how their engaging antics
Lifted my thoughts to wishful flights
Where I would share the views with…
But perhaps I share too eagerly, too frequently
so resist the urge…
No matter…
These enormous formidable raptors
Rejected my association with their convocation
The plethora of snapshots captured
Shows nothing of the moments I would share

*and, yes, in all 5 senses (if with a kiss)

You should know
My first choice would be
To send to you directly
You & YOU ALONE
If I’m an attention *****
It’s only for you
Yes, I desire your attention
Solely yours
If only you would let me love you

You are where my dreams go when looking for a nest
My soul seeks yours in freeing words when needing peaceful rest
Your heart will always be The Missing Piece of my own
Though I still hope the “missing” leaves  and we are simply Home

...

but until then, I offer:
tuck my love & care in your pocket
and keep me there, safe
draw on it when you need
(you’re going in my pocket, too)

I would be very shy at first
If you, too, were timid,
we might side-step desire
while conversation pervades
evades
the cravings of our longing bodies
for an hour or two…
all it would take for you
to teasingly linger fingers on my thigh,
I’d softly sigh,
draw nigh, face nestled close against your neck
a dance beginning as I linger on your lap
Legs around, as sound erupts
Expressions of a need far beyond words
Passion, hunger, longings
rule the ravings of our bodies… cruel
craving
with an aching need
desire for the pressing, rocking, swaying as we rhythmically
merge our mutual want into choreographed memories
persisting, resisting
moving on into
Times and places far away
Where you sway
The maybes & somedays to bow into
The never-again-to-be (lost, forgotten memory)
Still
I’d rather be grasping the bedding
& crying out in ****** passion
as you find ****** satisfaction
in me
Than let hope waste away
Long forgotten memory
Dismissed
I wanted to love you
(Maybe I still do)
So I’m sorry you said never
and I’m sorry I couldn’t wait forever
I’m sorry that this could likely sever
chances or hope of together. still,
whatever may be, I’ll ever
be grasping again the bedcover
moaning in pleasure as dreams of you
wash over
My Every reality
for you…

I will be there for you
When you are too tired
To be
Let me hold you
until you are ready
to Resume

I remember, in all 5 senses, you.
Dreams of you, light up all perceptions.

Visions pierce my sight
with vivid colors—red & blue
your tender eyes,
your beating heart,
lips lined with passion
back-dropped by seaside sunset brilliance.
You are my light.

Scents linger in mind’s breath—
you, so clean, shower-fresh;
tangy tangerine;
flowers--lavender and lilac,
varied hues of scented roses,
garden of our memories

My tongue, hungry for you, tastes our history as
shared popcorn, counted sushi, big soft pretzels, sampling tasty foods;
a shot of ***** from your mouth, light-headed shock;
and most missed that fresh long minty kiss; water licked from clean soft skin; the taste of you within. . .mmm

Your sounds whisper in my dreams—
rhythmic breathing; rhythmic heartbeat;
soft light lasting laughter ringing in my ears (though now long faded, those tones echo ever through the chambers of my mind);
gentle listening caring voice
(must you say “good-bye”?)

Forevermore I’ll miss, your loving touch—
warm & gentle, firm & safe,
strong secure hug, encompassing;
Playful moments, teasing
Would those moments ‘neath your skin,
Moments merging bodies, might return & lasting be.

I dream in all 5 senses wistfully,
wishing fully to sense you in reality.