It’s incomparable
How I love you
Through every part of my being,
my existence
I love you
It’s visceral
Cellular
Cannot be excised
You are my atmosphere

Yet, now gone

I miss breathing

Tattered edges
Playthings of capricious whims

Batting carelessly at hanging threads
You captured an essential
String upon your reaching claw
Teased it, grabbed, reeled it in
Pounced, withdrew, reached again
Protracted claw snagged…but
Tired then, you disappeared
Sauntered across the seas into a rising sun

This thread still caught
sought to follow

You left
here remains
Unraveled

I think you must be
Very angry with me
else why
can I not know
the “why”?

Since your “Never” splattered red
death across the compositions painted
by my love into your dreams,
I will now rewrite forever
as me Alone riding on the sea

Sometimes mirror still, glassy
I drift through reflected aqua skies

Sometimes rough & wild
I am as the weathered driftwood
on those crests of white, I rise

Sometimes frigid, dark & dangerous
with icy raindrops driving;
they dot the green-black brew
with marks of silence broken

I will sketch a solo rider of the briny waters
Peaceful
through the ever-changing colors
of our textured seas
I will miss the dreams I thought were shared
I will miss…but I’ll be there
Alone upon the green-blue sea

Ah, but also for this Now
I have , of course, painted in
that brown-eyed boy paddling ahead
Another playing violin upon the shore
Music to remind there’s always more—
those children I adore

Yes, the boy & I,
we tasted rain the other day
Paddled to the border
Heard the music say
Our hearts align
while also set in varied array

They are my “Now”,
&, I remain alone Someday
riding on the sea around the bay
and you remain forever far away
with hints of splattered red
death across those compositions dreamed
now seaweed tangled,
sunk beneath the bay
whose sunsets colour art of Acquiescence
I will paint again

I miss you
I love you
  
I could choose to converse
with various friends & acquaintances...
But it’s not them I crave to better know.
  
I’m so touched out!
children grabbing grasping,
pushing, pulling, dog-piling my body,
Unaware of where their bodies end
and mine begins...
Yet I crave that single touch
whose lightest brush
would send electric awareness
fluttering through my every nerve...
that single touch,
now farther than mere miles away.
  
My ears are worn with overlapping chatter
in competition for my listening attention
sounds bombard with needs... yet
that single voice that sings throughout my dreams
Is so long silent…deceased to me, I fear.
  
Friends and family repeatedly profess
Their deep true love for me.
(yes, those children hold my love!)
Yet, it is you to whom my heart returns
It is YOU from whom I seek heart-stopping reminders:
“I DO love you”
  
It's you I need
It’s you
always you

I’m sorry I didn’t make a life with you
I’m more sorry that wasn’t even an option
because to be honest
I still miss
…

No one listens
to the girls, the women

Who will hear their stories?
Who will believe?
Who will care?

The counselor didn’t
“You were old enough to know”
Closest friends?
No, not really.
they’d rather find excuse,
minimize the wound…
The pastor?
he who possibly did even worse?
he who perceives in black & white
& also blames the victim?
(she was drunk?)
(her skirt—too short)
(she chose to be there)
(SEDUCTRESS!)
clearly not the zealous parents,
judgmental.
or the jealous other…he who claims ownership

& clearly not the voters

so I ask, WHO
Who will listen?
Who will hear?
Who will believe these stories dredged
from the depths of pain?

Those fears…nested in denial
their silence…
Those buried secrets
greedily devour heart & soul
while softly blooms faint hope
of a someday when
Enough who care
finally will believe…
…
No one listens
to the girls, the women
…
Believe Them!

I don’t speak lies
don’t exaggerate
__, when I say
I like your size
Yes! You feel great
Come on! I wanna play
Pressing deep inside
you satiate
Hold me close & stay
Always true
I miss you
Fill me with Someday

How could I resist
You’re the entire list!
I crave everything about you

The “missing you” cascaded
as a rushing waterfall just now
pounding drops of care,
love, longing & desire
crashing upon my sands of time

how is it,
this longing wins my mind
when logically…
well, you have not been kind…
my heart truly does not care
I love you
LOVE is all that’s there
when all is said & done
You are the only one!
Crash into me
as water falling

The more he speaks
the more I see
If he were me
There would no longer be
Even remnants of this “We”…

“Life is too short…”
he argues.
Thinks to sever
another connection
he deems harms
his…


I silently wonder
Am I next?
as he whittles away
more of the ME from me…

Either way, it’s not fair
how much of me lies there
in the discard pile
Shackled

You were the rhyme
i thought i could write back to life
Until i learned
the Reader had long since died

“Rest in Peace, Poem Beloved”
as fresh flowers i lay
on an overgrown grave

None of it really matters
long enough
to tear my heart away…
I am
Always returning to you

All it takes is a thought,
A sense of you
hearing you, seeing you…
everything evaporates
and you remain
i always come back to you

Will you come back to me?

What if in my waning years
No child, friend or Love I find
close beside to truly know my mind?
This my midnight fear I ponder:
As time marches on
will I be left behind…

Please forgive me
I’ve been selfish but understand now:
You have more pressing worries than concerns of the heart;
More demanding business than that of this love.
Such distractions as passions are too much a burden.
I wish you well;
I wish you peace of heart and mind.

Downhill spiral
Thoughts in mire roll
A mess
I confess
Obsess
Over the next
Is the ache
from a mistake?
Because I take?
or just the flu?
I’m missing you!
There’s no right
Submit? or fight?
Morning to night
Just wasting time
Asphyxiated mine
Broken rhyme
it all is wrong
an off-key song
Absence prolong
What this means?
splitting seams
Shattered dreams
it’s simple, plain
You’re on the brain
Through joy and pain
Time misses you
As I do, too

Silent
Aching
Gasping
Grasping
Grappling
Pressing heart & chest & lungs
Clenching in the guts
Every muscle weakened by the emptiness
Every nerve echoing the pain,
every rib drawn close in weeping,
cacophony of an arhythmic heart,
spasms of asphyxiating lungs
As the heart & soul weep bitter tears
Palpitations of The Missing…
Yet, the face remains impassive,
Secrets of the heart must remain
silent
though the heart weeps

Cold rain-showers flood the winters here.
I’ve felt bubbling cool waterfalls
touch the senses like
ruby red ***** shots shared.
Cool waterfalls, winter rain showers, sensual shots
all remind…
like
the warm shower just now—long, sensual
Pleasure
I find
Myself
finally at peace with the water
(when fibers grip as muscles pulse
and water falls)
a heart throb? or break? so close . . .
both leave me gasping for life-giving breath
This water reminds…
If only to find
another guilty shot shared with you.
rather I’m
missing peace?
Am I pretending?
Where is life without a heart?
(pulsing muscle fibers of life)
where is my heart?
where is the missing piece?
Am I Really at peace with the water?
I am more now, at least,
than I was at 23

Gege thinks he’s so clever
Whispering mischief in Didi’s smaller ear
As if Mother watching
never was a little sis
nor sat, a child, at her father’s knee
hearing each fascinating story
of how his older brother
stirred the ***…

I considered another
Something only you
A hidden clue—connector of hearts
Our secret

I picture you as A hawk n me a phoenix
(I do like a bit of worddplay)
I imagyne majestic raptors
Soared the vast blue ether of your hometown...
& I remember as a child
searching Southern skkies for a red-tailed hawk...
+
I alwayz loved this symbol of you
before we even met

I can’t decide where your bird might reside:
maybe as a guardian perched atop a shoulder?
I would like to see it often
not have it hidden as so much else must be...
Should it rest a reminder on my wrist
of how my pulse beats to rhythms of your memory?

As a symbol, I prefer an abstract drawing...
Perhaps a single line?
or geometric design
reminiscent of Cathedral glass?
(Metaphor of our lives)
Should I incorporate the ampersand?my constellation?
The hawk could be a water-brush design
Unfinished?

...possibilities

I wonder
what you might suggest
as an image of your memory
Buried ‘neath my skin

there’s no grey in black & white
until the bleeding starts
then, sometimes
there’s even color

That dirge to the heartbreak of loss,
“Ashes of Life” echoes in my mind of late:
“Love has gone and left me
And the days are all alike”
I
wallowing,
sunk in my sackcloth and ashes…

No flaming garb of vibrant red, instead shades of grey and black course coal
serve as my meager cloak & bed.
Those tongues of fire were so enchanting...
Now their bright blazing flames have died;
as smoke-filled skies remain to choke my breath–ashen
asphyxiation.
Amid charred lifeless trunks which
bely past vibrant verdant days
I wander awaiting years gone grey, a future
to further lay waste & topple the broken snags–to earth returned. . .
wait
a pause. . .
A glint of ruby red!
a single feather surviving?
molten scarlet letter “A” to lift from the ****?
witch who will not be burned up,
who cannot be consumed?
Has that resilient phoenix truly met a last cremation?
Or will her red wings yet arise renewed
Up from the “Ashes of Life”?

Tell me, what fuels your fire?
My passion, my desire,
my ******* fantasy,
is to be your fuel
to fan your flame
to know your molten core
melts

explode for me
though buried by the deep blue sea
mountain of my dreams & memories
rise, erupt
by my heat

Let me fuel your secret fantasy
Burn blue and white for me

Just hold me  
Wipe away my tears  
Promise me  
Someday  
Because I miss you  

I think I hear  
Why  
But it doesn’t stop  
Me crying  
Or wishing  
Because I miss you
  
Do you know what I miss the most?
Friendship
I miss being friends.

You are my waking thought,
my hopes and fears throughout the day.
You are assurance, peace… and loss.
You are my heartbeat and my breath,
my heartbreak and my tears.
You are each song that I hear or sing,
tunes of passion & love, of hurt, anger &
sorrow, of satisfaction, completion & joy.
You are the lift in my step,
my upturned smiling lips.
You are the glistening drops of missing pieces
hidden in my eyes. . .
You are their sparkle, too.
You’re the kiss of wind or wet dew on my cheek,
the crisp air of spring, scent of cherry blossoms,
the sweet taste of beloved memories
the sour sting of hope lost.
What more can I say?
You are the moments of each day
from my first consciousness on waking,
through the ticking seconds as they pass
and still seeking out my sleeping dreams.
Is it any wonder you are the flame
igniting my happiness?
& You are the absence collapsing
my aching heart? You
…my desired Someday
…always my Today

Wizard of my longing
Memory I most prize
Did you cast a spell on me
beneath September skies?
Subject of my deep desire
Glisten welling in my eyes
You must be my conjured dream
My most difficult “good-bye”
If salty drops could magic wield
You’d be here close by my side
Rather, you return a world away
(& your love for me has died?)
As it seems you must forget me
So my tears must leave me blind
Now with lost sight I will wander
through these cities left behind

Of course my heart would break for either:
death is death.
“code Adam” in the store today
fused my heart with his parent’s
heart beating fearfully for Wilder
age 7 in an orange shirt…
at least He was found

don’t wanna make it weird…
but thanks for being real
I realize you don’t express feelings lightly

I won’t tell you “thank you”
Don’t wanna make it weird
Yet i am…thankful…
I treasure your trust
I treasure knowing you

I thought I wandered into your tomorrows
the way you wandered into mine.
the opened gift revealed just sorrows
the kind surviving space & time.
I still wish that I could borrow
memories of yesteryear.
yet it matters not how far I go
I can’t seem to find you near.
now I think that you might be fighting
harsh histories of your own.
if only I could put in writing
assurances you are not alone.
I know not the right way to love you
cannot find how to be your friend.
regardless know these thoughts ring true
my care remains to the very end.
With much love always,

Your smile
Lights the brightest
Fireworks.
You ignite explosions
spectacular
in my midnight sky.

They wrote it on her DNA
From mother’s mother’s mother
And all those aunts and uncles
The deacons, elders, teachers, preachers, leaders
They wrote her wrong:
  
“He’s weak, so be responsible”
“Don’t cry” “kneel down”
“Listen” “obey” “because I said so”
“sinner” “he died for YOU”
“Thou Shalt Not” … “shalt not” … “shalt not”…
“Be a good girl”, “say ‘sorry’”, “bow and pray”
“OBEY!”
“You must Forgive!!” Forgive, forgive…
  
(from infant, to girl, to ******* that grew)
Walk the line, speak OUR “truth”
THERE IS NO YOU!
REMEMBER: please, not pleasure
“That’s right, Kneel down, Apologize…”
Meek is pretty
Femininity
Yesss…bow…
seek PERFECTION

“Desire? NO! Desires don’t belong to you!”
Oh, Their desires? Honey, they can’t help it…

GIVE  
F O R G I V E
don’t live
don’t be
Just see
OTHERS
…
…
…
years
…
free
…
me
…
yet haunting whispers of the child’s ghost
remnants of her twisted DNA
Echoing cellular repercussions
through the years into the now
…it’s complicated…
(“May I have a rewrite?” she’d meekly plead)

“To late” wrote fate
she shrugs, “why hate?”
decides resigned just to deal

As my sun sets
elsewhere it glows bright and hot
& in another somewhere it rises
fresh and new
in soft pastels or bright blushing hues

Now as this plot seeps into dusk
I whisper a missive along
May the lost sun rays this day
shine and flutter on you
where & whenever you are
May the breezes carry my calming palms
to rest in the stillness with you
To quiet your worries
& sleep in your soul for a second or two
May your warming sun deliver
this warming touch I send
May it carry a kiss as well
gently placed wherever you most desire
my lips to dust your skin
& stay however long you need

My lips are still and forever yours

the sunshine knows

Our little star’s brightness
shares with you,
my mind full of thoughts
& the wish to listen for you.

So go outside
Soak in the sun
& catch my essences of my love.

Hopelessly fallen into the well of you
‘Til it matters not what the mind knows to be true
Thoughts & desires for more, ever more break through
Filling each sentient moment with cries for you

Love by no reason or logic
drives passion to trudge the vast desert
Still seeking your refreshing oasis
In some realm or time or place
Still seeking to match breath and pulse
In time with your heart and soul
Though futile the promise may be,
Still it remains as truth:
I DO and will always love you.

Cool crisp morning
Bright blue sky with scattered clouds
Happy children’s chatter
Snow-dressed mountains in the rearview mirror
Rise regally across the fog-cloaked Sound
framed by earthy evergreen spires…
These vibrations of sound and light
trace smiles ‘round my face & eyes
on this otherwise monotonous  morning drive to school.

You write the moments of my days
Wake me in the nights
Come to me in secret silences
with assurances unspoken
quieting my inner spirit
reaching in to touch my calm
unafraid to counter my tumultuous fires
with your peaceful deep dark skies

You are the crests and valleys
of my tsunamic passion
With abandon you dive deep
to hear my truest thoughts
You see the dark green depths of my inner seas
With eyes to pause and feast
Caring that I care

I love how you still love me
Yet with inner weeping I wonder:
Why does my dive into you
Strike upon a frozen river?
Never mind!
I’ll skate upon my dreams of you
until spring thaws return
(will warmth someday burn?)
Yes, I’ll skate with free abandon
along your icy river surface
knowing below is so much more—
currents of you to explore

Someday…yes, perhaps someday
I’ll dive in deep, find more of you
Maybe someday
our brackish waters again might swirl
Together
Our estuary tides finally rise & recede
Under the same bright moon
In this someday dream eternal

This hunger eats away the midnight hour
Filling empty longing with fitful fantasies
Tongue curling around your strength
Licking your pulse, tasting salty masculinity
Fill me…years-long empty
Unfulfilled craving for your flavors
The taste of desire, the taste of obsessive attraction
The taste of bulging pleasures,
Tastes of you
I cannot pause this hunger-strike
Until you return to satisfy
I cannot sleep
As I salivate for you
Return
I’m famished for your breath
Let me kneel beneath your shower
and drink of you
let my starving fingers claw your groin
and draw you close
My every sense reaches for you
Feed me of your pleasure
Until I finally remember
The taste of satisfaction
I miss you
Fill my famished memories once again
Fill my reality with your rhythms
Press hard into my mouth, my throat
and more
Remember how I want you
More
Prowling for you, hunger devouring
Remember the feast
pounce upon my need
and feed

I really wish I could hate you
Or, better yet, just not care
Because it’s weak how i wear
This need for you everywhere
It can’t be helped, this seeking you
Burns endless in my aching breast
Please let me know you more

My head aches from
this empty sameness
or maybe it just aches
from dregs of flu
I know my heart aches
from emptiness of you
yet to find the filler
to replace your space

When you broke into the home of me
I said “I love you” and gave you the key
Later you thought to return it
as shards were cutting our feet
Return?! You did not see
It secured to your heart as roots of a tree.

Though now our feet have traversed
through many miles & spaces & lives
& our hearts have grown, are submersed
in a couple or four loves (or five?)
Those wounds now healed, with callouses grown. . .
Yet I think you still own the key to my home.

Those shards of glass knives
That sliced us apart
I swept into a furnace
Aflame in my heart
Once molten I shaped them
into fanciful art
Now hung on the walls
(mingling sweet with the ****)
of spaces held secret,
where memories restart.

Is there a chance
You’d ever unearth that key?
Do you even desire
To wander the halls of me?
I wish you would find it
Re-enter this door
Make me your home
and more. . .

Would you run through your night
Lock us inside
Together we’d hide
In the rooms of our minds
Together we’d hang
New art we would form
Together we’d wake
To a fresh beautiful morn.

Come, a new key we’ll cut
Find fantasies fresh
Build a shared house
for hearts long enmeshed.

Still,
I don’t want to say another goodnight
To those dreams you sent on meandering flight
when your words gave my spirit new sight
even your memory sets me alight
Alas, I miss you, such awful fright
Abandoned again…Gone, your light
I, heart broken, sigh & say “good night”

I would make it home for you
I would BE Home for you
Not just “would be”
don’t you see?
I AM for you…
I want to be your
comfort, constant, safe, release
through the changes
bring you peace
yes, I too fear change…
see? …you are held
warm in the palm of my hand
soft your skin, soft your lips
warm to the touch of my hand…
safe, home, calm, held,
Loved
Home
WE are home

The rivers run dry, the rivers run dry, the rivers run dry tonight.
There’s a drought in the soul, a drought in the heart, a drought in the will to fight.
The water is turned to poison. The poison will crush your soul.
The water is turned to poison that burns up your whole
The castle collapsed to the dungeon; the dungeon is where we live
Dark and hungry and soulless with nothing left to give

I often cannot sleep in the deep
of night these days of late
when whispers of your memories
Rustle the pages of my mind
Until the world feels up-side down
hobbling along on a single foot
epitomizes sensations of art
meant to be shared by you
so I pretend to write and paint
playing at art as a child playing at life
whether calling it “house” or “family”
matters not when none of the actors
live in these cards
If only we could re-draw
would I hold your love in my hand
in another round of life?

I’ll be wishing for you there with me
As I’m dancing
(shadowed by awkwardly watching eyes)
This music belongs to dreams
That’s why I don’t want to share
(don’t want another there)
But it is what it is.
Just know, I’ll be (always am)
Missing you

You let my heart
run wild
with yours today
…
I wish I could say, it’s true…
but, rather, I just miss you

I wonder if you ever knew
the dreams you drew
into the palm of your hand
when first you drew my body close?
Those dreams they haunt
my silent screams eternally
as I long for you…
Desire taunts my heart tonight
as you have drawn away
to further stray
from these arms that reach to claim
(falsely claim) you as my Someday…
Though false these dreams,
they refuse to fade…
No, nothing can sway my mind
from thoughts of your palms
claiming my heart
grasping my waist
pulling me into your need…
Here pulsing a rhyme along this page
the beat of our music harnesses truth
(You still need me; I still love you)…

claim me, draw me, dream me

i wait