I wish I had the nerve
Wish I didn’t revert
to fixing, soothing, fawning, self-erasing
I wish I could remember how I feel,
find the words…at the right time
but mostly find the nerve

How many months am I allowed to hurt
after a couple decades of injury?
I wish I had the nerve
to take MY turn!
Then, I wish he would just listen.

Yes, angry now
that I don’t have the nerve
to carve out a place for MY hurt
Or better yet
to find my own safer space to heal

Heart
in so many pieces still
no you as glue

Remain
Meld love
Patchwork hearts
Meant to be
in a somewhere reality

I must believe

without remains
too empty

Come back to me
in at least one
reality

It’s been a while
since I saw your smile
seeming to approve
as I pretended it was you
inside

I miss that pleasure, gone now
since those brief clarifying words

your once hungry eyes
now whisper hinted cries
from dejection’s pit
satisfaction morphed to darkness
famished shadows have replaced
passionate sparkles in your gaze

I still, just now, found pleasure
finalized desires for you
(as always)
Sad, though, that your face
can no longer grace
those moaning moments

Under your image
I would shower tears instead

Yes, I miss the pleasure of your visage
In new ways now.
I miss believing that your lips
might part for mine
Someday

That fiery need in your eyes
Casting white-hot fingers from coal-black pupils
That reach to burn my clamoring hands
Licking the taste of desire that seeps,
No…Bursts from my tingling nerves
As I run my fingers through your hair
Across your cheek, cupping jawline, tracing lips
Drawing your strong neck closer for a lingering kiss
The excitement floods my body
Straddling your lap, igniting a dance of hungry passion…
the truest fuel remains that burning in your eyes
Your lips distraught with deep desire
to hold this raging fire
Forever
Watch and feel and blaze intense
In rhythm to my rocking grinding hips
and with your starving ember eyes
Turn me on
Fire

This one is different
Deeper, harder, more intensely lost
Ended, final, hopeless
What do I know?
Nothing
Just floating in space
I could end here
Gazing out into this fantastical void
Still I look to see the mirage of you
Hope is a wonderfully nice feeling
Too often false
It was nice to fake it while it lasted
But all good things, like silly hopes,
Must end
So goodbye, my beloved dream
I’ll miss pretending You were real

There was a summer…mmm, a handful of days,
then one northeastern evening…
(sorry, our history becomes a bit of a haze…
were all those memories misleading?)
I wanted to borrow & hold & treasure
through several handfuls of always forever
but the past told me, “Best leave it be”
So here I am ruminating
Messing about with a handful of words instead
(of the simplest primitive kind sometimes)
maybe it all was just in my head
memories of a love imagined
connection ne’er before fathomed
echoes of soul-deep passion…
Could it have been a mere passing?

did I mention how I dread
bearing through seasons ahead
the empty spaces still?
I’d wished for a caring hand
and one to watch birds at the windowsill
pecking the moments to fill
Greying days with smiles and silences—Peaceful
now I’m not sure who would sit with me…
’cause no-one fits that wish you see
it’s quite a unique place
this heart-hole empty space
that the past of you once graced…
now it’s just called “The Missing”
christened with a handful of wishing
painted over with a handful of words
I’ll bring flowers tomorrow

I wish you would tell me something real
I want to really know you
to know your worries & desires
I want to hear your thoughts & feelings
tell me what lights a smile
what darkens your eyes
I want to know the little annoyances
of your day
& the moments that bring a chuckle
however silly or ridiculous
I want to experience in real time
the ticking seconds of your reality
I want to really know you

Let’s sit across the room
Instead of side-by-side
“I’m too tired to talk,” I say
but really want to hide
When, how and why
did partners turn friends
the lover lose allure
even friendship end?
The needy insistent touch
now magnetic repulsion
Hug & kiss a daily duty
just dreaded compulsion
Honest attempts to renew a flame
Futile when fuel is degraded
No longer matters who’s to blame
Only that one is frustrated

🔥
I burn wild & strong
Blaze bright & long
Do me wrong
I flame on
Fire I bleed
Feed my need
From this seed
Pyrophytic breed
sip honeysuckle sweet
from hardened ****…
Would he defeat
This flaming heat?
On repeat
Lies, deceit
Inferno retreat
Into my heat
Ember glow
Ashes know
Eventually I go
Cold as snow
yet, buried below
I grow, I grow
My own hero
lava flow, flow, so…
burst Fireworks glitz
amidst sparks emits
reborn Phoenix
Flame’s remix
the Cycle of Fire
🐦‍🔥

It was here, last December,
I thought you’d come around
Now we are back to treading
That same silent deserted ground
What the ****?!
Are you this warm/cold cycle
For everyone you call a friend?
Or save it just for me--a girl
who thought you’d care until the end?

You said deletes were “needy”,
of analysis you’re weary;
Please! return for explanation,
or your behavior is just ******.

If I could put my heart back in my chest
maybe I’d not care about this mess
but it’s locked in your hands
crushed there as away you dash.

Am I not worthy the respect
of last words before you fly?
Was your wish for friendship
a soon regretted lie?

Dismissed?
I’m ******!
Hey, YOU,
I’m smart too!
but you’re always debating
smart-woman hating
mansplaining
As if I never went to school
Do you think I am a fool?

I’m not just your pretty thing,
a lonely girl who wants a ring.
I have a brain inside me, too!
I converse as good as you
if you would stop behaving
like I am always wrong.
You think I can’t do things right enough for you?
****!
Relax! You’re so uptight?
Just chill with me
be real with me
treat me with equality
like your bromance buddy.

Hey! My star won’t fit
beneath your boot.
No, Baby! I was born to BLAZE
Bright
like a Woman!

I fear
no matter what I say or don’t
a moment will return of greater absence…
how long will be the wait?
and will you still return?
or absent stay?
so silent I remain
I fear

I want more
yet more I fear the less
so in these lesser shadows now I lay
tongue-tied
pointlessly wishing & wondering
more of you

You are the Sun in my skies  
You are the Light of my life  
You help me grow  
You warm my soul  
You are my Sun shining bright  

You are the Moon in my night  
Reflecting again my light  
So I may know  
I have a glow  
You are the Moon in my life  

You are my sky-full of Stars  
Immense sphere of heat. Though now far,  
Still you shine here  
Sparking my cheer  
You are the Stars in my sky  

Sun moon and stars through the years  
Always in my heart most dear  
In time we’ll find  
Shared peace of mind  
When constellations collide  

Someday a nebular prime  
Collecting our space dust of time  
Will burst in bright pillars of re-creation,  
Merging our stars with illumination  

Where light-speed erases the distance  
Our twin loves are free  
Together we’ll be  
Orbits shared finally  

Someday  
our space will collide

I have been thinking today
Of things I wanted to do but never did
before dad died.
These thoughts morphed to questions
of what I’d wish to do–my bucket list–
with you.
  
I would, first, want to absorb
everything you,
to hear you share thoughts closest to your heart—passions, interests, people.
I would know your dreams,
your struggles, peeves and pleasures…
to hear you reminisce of life experiences…
I wish so much to hear.
Yes, first on my bucket list with you–conversation.
  
Next, we might enjoy together
outdoor experiences in nature.
Whatever adventures are accessible
I’d wish to share with you.
Exploring trails, seeing various animals
(just know that monkeys love to bite me!)
Expressing our awe in each wonder,
Drifting on the ocean waves…
And more, so much more!
  
I miss so much and ever would desire more
to explore the Chemistry of us…
I would try to more carefully capture
every single moment, each sensation,
Preserving in my mind’s museum
knowing you
Never would I have a single memory slip away or fade or blur.
  
My bucket list is not a list really…
It’s a lifetime
forever diving deeper into you.
It’s a bucket-full of moments lived together
It’s two lives conjoined overflowing with love
eternal

There’s a gaping chasm
Empty, hollow, waiting…
A you-shaped heart-hole
Sometimes tiny tidbits of your world waft this way
Drawn by magnetic pull, crashing into me
They help soothe the edges for brief moments as they land
Or sometimes amplify the absence  
only echoes of desire
Phantoms
  
True balm to ease this open wound
Would be your words, your voice, your image…
Your life aligned with mine…
For now the trickling ointment
Evidence of your existence
must satisfy
These droplets matter
To my aching heart.
  
I Love & Miss
You…
YOU—the missing piece
still

Your fire
Will not be dimmed
With the midnight lights
It still burns behind closed eyes
This tired night
I need you
Fire mine
Breath, voice, touch
Even just the knowledge of your presence
You are the flame
E’er flaring in my heart
So bright
I Love you, Ever

beyond midnight
restless
Whiskey floods the veins
Unshed tears over ashes,
these remains
Mourn the dead
Mourn the gone
Mourn the heart
from strong to wrong
Mourn the squandered past
the hollow aimless now
Frozen memory of that final last Farewell
Ponder empty broken words
Promises unkept
Pierced with sword
of hopes inept
Future nameless, fading figure
Sink as restless sleep takes over
Failed the fight
Dead tonight
Hope perhaps with morning light.

Art is when the universe
sings the language of the soul
recreating for a moment
the eternity of birth & fire
the intensity of creation & ash
vapors of nothing
forming, transforming
both growing and dying
becoming melded & moulded into
singular beauty & horror
beyond mere word or thought
where feelings surpass logic
making perfect sense
of all & nothing

Art is the soul
living into the beyond
catching a spark of whatever heaven
may be
& so we burn
artistry in the in-betweens

Death comes in the winter
When all is grey & white & cold
Whether stealthily or raucously
Gnawing or pouncing
Prowling for entrails
Frigid
Final
Leaving empty beds and empty arms
Reminders of the empty holes
In the long-empty hearts
It’s icy fingers creep along the soul
Waking long-dead musings

…they buried them in the spring…

Yet for him
No grave will be dug
For some winters never End.

I express worry over states’ rights
concern for ICE & military overreach…

He’s angry there were people torching cars.

I care about the people ripped from home & family,
deterioration of due process…

He argues a test rocket exploding
had been misrepresented.

(I don’t really even care)

Fear dismissed turned to argument…

Maybe the moral of this story is:
I should find companionship with people
who value people first.
Human lives & their concerns,
Needs & basic rights
matter most to me.

My care won’t be dismissed…
but he might

I woke up in the early morning hours
Insomnia—such a ***** sometimes
But this time, I didn’t mind
All was quiet
Even my thoughts were calm
Deep in waking dreams of love
I relished the alone hour with you

I wonder: Was your mind with me too?

Good morning, Love,
Today I woke up twice to you,
Making it a morning with a double shot of "good".

I hope my love
blankets you with peace and comfort as you sleep
So that you, too, might wake
to a double shot of "good"
when your morning rises.

I had hoped
you would love me
Forever
Does forever really exist?
Does love really exist?
Do YOU really exist?
I love you forever
So I think
The answer
Is, “YES”

I need a refill for my soul
those clamoring hands
drained the dregs
Art, beauty, gentle love
bring the peace to fuel my moments
refill the empty
heart desires still
strengthened will
to shower love from beating chest
brushed with spectrums of love
dusted with the magic of art
refill this soul to shower gifts
along the day again

You have your mother’s anxious tender heart
and couldn’t sleep the other night having heard
how another child felt as shots rang loudly
through the corridors of his school.
  
Now I, your mother, cannot rest
since learning how a child only 15 years of age
brought a stolen gun and ammo to his school,
a private show-and-tell.
We’ve walked past that school,
just around the corner and a block away
from where you sat today
in your “safe” suburban classroom.
  
Tomorrow I will hug and wish you a good day,
my dear little boy, and watch you walk away,
walk into your school and I will pray;
to gods not there I’ll ask,
that you return to me, still safe,
sharing silly anecdotes of your class…
May you stay in sweet oblivion
to the threats that weigh so heavy on
your mother’s tender anxious heart.

…

Three and a half years gone by
Now he’s in junior high
Several times this year his friends
Held memory of her life’s end—
she caught cross-fire in the local mall
casualty of a high-school brawl
with a gun

Now my boy & I consider streets
Packed with protestors marching to beats
demanding mercy & release
for brown folks who at their posts
of labor unbearable to most
were stolen from family & home.
In anger we bemoan
that meddling retaliation of the “king”,
“Bring the National guard, bring the Marines!
We’ll teach these rioters things
make them turn & run
from the shadow of our guns.”

My dear growing boy,
It brings me no joy
to watch the growing mess
of heartlessness & regress
that we adults now
will pass on, but I hope somehow
your tender caring heart will prevail
and that your generation might hail
a better tomorrow.

Love,
Mom

I didn’t want that…
It was an absent-minded slip,
A genuine mistake,
The wrong touch

& now again
I mourn what cannot be undone
A likely risk
sure to one day come
Does loss ever become
easy, acceptable, humdrum?

perhaps…because
the part that isn’t saddened
sighs, shrugs & resumes
as intended

still the cloud hangs heavy
carrying another mistake

Fall scents, squirrels dash,
children chatter & laugh let out from school,
wind rushing fast, cement path
rattles, speeding by...

happy memory, moments shared
a continent apart

different paths, different parks, different worlds
Merge
in those brief sections of time
two minds, two hearts
share eternal moments
through this shared experience


Remember that time
Blading in the park?

Sometimes it feels as though
Each time we have a serious talk
I like him even less
(and often miss you more)
true again tonight
needing empathy
Is yours now distant too?

This moment in time is missing color...
It’s missing you.
In moments past, all was right, perfect.
Now, time is off-kilter.
These hollow moments are widening,
growing, expanding--
the famished are eating the fat
leaving large empty holes
black swollen craters
gaping grey moments in time
Askew missing you. . .

Long-desired Lover,
‘round whom my planet spins,
Your mighty hammer blows
within these deepest caverns
Vibrate an earthquake
reverberating pleasure
through every sighing shaking nerve
echoing remembrance, your aftershocks
throughout my body
Volcanoes blasting, burning, spouting
molten excitement marking skin
with your symbolism
mountains constrict
their twinning spheres
Glow with satisfaction
I Shiver…
This planet ever moans for you

ah, sweet memories
the music, the poems, the prose…
to feel such sweet reminiscence
those rose-colored glasses, retrospect.  
How I relish such memories  
They are treasures to be hoarded
future death-bed consolation.
  
Here rests a gallery of melancholic sweetness
Mingling of sugary and ****
teases the palate…
This heart remains where it ought to be  
pulsing, loving, reminiscing,  
living every day, absorbing each moment,
gathering fresh memories
to safely file away

I saw you again, Briefly
Before flitting away.
Later I whistled a rambling tune
While cooking dinner,
In domestic apron tied,
And passingly thought
“Yup, Still…”
Yet, somewhere deep inside
my heart missed you.
(for an eighth of a beat)
Reminiscing of alternate realities:
A-frame on the beach
Shared flight bottles
Cognac and what?

It doesn’t matter.
Pieces mis-fit…
Those lives we’d lived…
Would live…
Worlds apart
(Never mind the part
of you ever with me…)

The dream was real
The real a dream—
for fleeting (flown) Moments
in another time & place
We were matched, whole, complete, together…

Of course, unreal,
virtually imagined?

I was happy
living that night in time
Your time In me
Nearly forgotten?
A rare tingle,
Sensation, love, completeness
Never to be forgotten.

You…
Your remorse
Regret
Be gone

As I virtually compose our song
A Dream

The past seeping into the present
Flared, exploded
Ashes falling
Molten memories hardening
Reddish-brown volcanic hollow stone
Floating in mountains of
that which will not be
Grey

A goodnight memo of peace  
Sharing soul-bound moments with you  
Before I rest my mind in sleep.  
My wish for you is boiling, bubbling,  
flowing over  
flooding the ache  
of missing your goodnight  
Hold.  
******* a kiss  
To jump start my happiest dreams  
Of feeling your warmth  
In my skin and core.  
Yes, this midnight I desire  
More  
Ever more  
Of you

Pausing mid-conversation
with a bi-weekly buddy
he interrupts my **** to say
“The cat spilled her water”
…
so I fill & clean and wonder:
why the **** tell me?
(it took more time than sopping up the spill)
…
Maid! MAID! Snap snap…
Over here Miss…& bring a rag
…
Eye roll into bed…
so ends a day of service

They wrote it on her DNA
From mother’s mother’s mother
And all those aunts and uncles
The deacons, elders, teachers, preachers, leaders
They wrote her wrong:
  
“He’s weak, so be responsible”
“Don’t cry” “kneel down”
“Listen” “obey” “because I said so”
“sinner” “he died for YOU”
“Thou Shalt Not” … “shalt not” … “shalt not”…
“Be a good girl”, “say ‘sorry’”, “bow and pray”
“OBEY!”
“You must Forgive!!” Forgive, forgive…
  
(from infant, to girl, to ******* that grew)
Walk the line, speak OUR “truth”
THERE IS NO YOU!
REMEMBER: please, not pleasure
“That’s right, Kneel down, Apologize…”
Meek is pretty
Femininity
Yesss…bow…
seek PERFECTION

“Desire? NO! Desires don’t belong to you!”
Oh, Their desires? Honey, they can’t help it…

GIVE  
F O R G I V E
don’t live
don’t be
Just see
OTHERS
…
…
…
years
…
free
…
me
…
yet haunting whispers of the child’s ghost
remnants of her twisted DNA
Echoing cellular repercussions
through the years into the now
…it’s complicated…
(“May I have a rewrite?” she’d meekly plead)

“To late” wrote fate
she shrugs, “why hate?”
decides resigned just to deal

I’ve been writing again, My Love
Inspired by want of you, My Muse
You, Only you, I crave because
This perfectly creamy plain vanilla life
lacking even specks…no tiny black dots of flavor,
it’s sweet and easy yet missing vibrancy
missing Something that I NEED
missing the hues of you.

This prettily-patched up heart of mine
(I’m sorry I hurt yours, too)
cries for brilliant flights of color,
Bursts of Flavor…
It cries for you, for you alone.
I’ve never felt a passion like yours,
never experienced a more thrilling ride
than when your love flowed inside..

Tell me, have you forever locked the gates?
Are your colors never more for me to taste?
Yes, you have told me so;
your answer, a forever “no”
Our love no more to be interlaced
For your shades vibrant, my hope was misplaced.

Yes, lost
in the nethermore
of a love-missed future…
which path ended here?
it wasn’t the one with you
the imagined wrong choice, though,
might not have been a choice after all
regardless, the loss is the future for me…
sadly

In your absence
I’m a little angry that you left me
to smolder in sadness
Aching. Lonely. Alone.
Again

Such a fool for you!

The most I can do
Is lash out with pitiful words
because your ghost refuses to be buried
I wish sometimes that I, also,
Could just choose to *******