There’s a freak in her brain taking over again.
Dormant she waited, tortured then baited…
Emotional break…
“Once, Love? for memories’ sake?”
Yet, once is not enough.
Starved, she begs.
She’s rough. She’s plagued.
Demanding nightly, never lightly—
impassioned penance, love’s disease,
maintaining as fresh though long deceased
those mutual sins, two decades past…
Would you put her heart to rest?
Alas! her need is too deep, too vast
while you’ve no care left to soften her nest
Mourning, consumed, she resumes
downcast.

Go, then!
I know the taste of shame
Erase the guilty memories of my name
but, please, in some hidden recess of your mind
find a way, a place to love me if you can
or pity if you must
Just, please don't hate me.
Give a care that I am heartsick & forgive
this contagion crafting errors of my ways
mistakes that further distanced you from me
and see
I just miss you still.

I told the wrong times
from the wrong time zone
But that’s the simplest of all the wrongs
Like the wrong second…triple…more-
Guessing myself
How much else was wrong?
The illusion?
Delusion?
Or conclusion?
Action? the reaction?
Wrong? Wrong? Wrong?
& this is why I beg:
please don’t judge me…please!
I judge aplenty
all. by. myself.
Judging these judgments as wrong
Ever & forever
Digging, digging, digging for answers
Yet all i find —
more questions, more questions…
& the ever echoing certainty
One thing won’t die
One truth remains
One desire burns eternal
Is it wrong?
Wrong? Wrong? Wrong?
I suppose it must be
Since you’re Gone, Gone, Gone

Happy Father’s Day

It’s my wish

Speak to me in languages
of the sea, soil & skies
sing as the stars brushing velvet night
as the breeze teaching leaves to dance
Lace my lashes with flower dust
the glitter of time & memories past
splash the serum of love across my lips
color me with speeches of beauty
tonight
Sing me into sleeping dreams with the love in your heart
speak to me in languages
of *** and magic
Trace my desires
they all lead back to the art
when we were in love
with our hopefully
interlaced kisses
Speak to me
In whatever form your whispers take
As long as you promise
Future

Valuing far more than being valued
Decades & counting
Yet to find a lover who loves
as loved

sorrow

Is it external factors
Halting more chapters?
Or an innate absence of appeal?
Collapsing love once real…
Empty sorrow
Of endless empty tomorrows
Piercing heart is all I feel

you dwell so deep within my fantasy
i cannot loose you from my longing
your name and touch flow through my veins
your body is my heat
your face and voice though faded, reappear
in watercolor visions of my dreams
your erasure fails
because you are my book of memories
you’ll ever be my always wish
when i frame my love
when i draw the walls of home
there you remain
my love
ever haunting my hope

I’m so tired of apologizing
for being myself

I DO think it’s true
(though regret muttering the words)
that the truest me
must be difficult for him to like
He preferred me
malleable

Is it so surprising
I dread the presence
of one who crushes my ME?

Yet still, it is I…
Swallowing so many words
that should reveal my truths
(they are not worth the conciliatory cost!)

I’m so tired of…

You should know
My first choice would be
To send to you directly
You & YOU ALONE
If I’m an attention *****
It’s only for you
Yes, I desire your attention
Solely yours
If only you would let me love you

I will deeply miss
these spaces where your mists reside
yet I cannot abide the pain
that rattles my brain when you hide
and anyway,
that room has said “goodbye”
so must I (with mournful sigh)
still, I WILL so deeply miss
these spaces where your mists reside

Midnight aches
My body shakes
Stifled tear
to hold you near
Pleading ask
Remove the mask
Say truthfully
If you love me
All I know
I need you so!
Yet, sad these sighs
Hope only lies

Driving home today  
my heart missed you  
I embraced it--that strong emotion of longing  
A daily occurrence
I'm lucky to have you to miss


. . .

(now, looking back)
I WAS lucky!
still am
...to have known you...

I'd rather miss you (however painfully)
than have those memories nonexistent
I'd rather wish you would talk
than not know how your voice would sound

Though that hope no more can flourish
the sentiments remain:
I'm lucky
missing you.

I remember, in all 5 senses, you.
Dreams of you, light up all perceptions.

Visions pierce my sight
with vivid colors—red & blue
your tender eyes,
your beating heart,
lips lined with passion
back-dropped by seaside sunset brilliance.
You are my light.

Scents linger in mind’s breath—
you, so clean, shower-fresh;
tangy tangerine;
flowers--lavender and lilac,
varied hues of scented roses,
garden of our memories

My tongue, hungry for you, tastes our history as
shared popcorn, counted sushi, big soft pretzels, sampling tasty foods;
a shot of ***** from your mouth, light-headed shock;
and most missed that fresh long minty kiss; water licked from clean soft skin; the taste of you within. . .mmm

Your sounds whisper in my dreams—
rhythmic breathing; rhythmic heartbeat;
soft light lasting laughter ringing in my ears (though now long faded, those tones echo ever through the chambers of my mind);
gentle listening caring voice
(must you say “good-bye”?)

Forevermore I’ll miss, your loving touch—
warm & gentle, firm & safe,
strong secure hug, encompassing;
Playful moments, teasing
Would those moments ‘neath your skin,
Moments merging bodies, might return & lasting be.

I dream in all 5 senses wistfully,
wishing fully to sense you in reality.

You are where my dreams go when looking for a nest
My soul seeks yours in freeing words when needing peaceful rest
Your heart will always be The Missing Piece of my own
Though I still hope the “missing” leaves  and we are simply Home

...

but until then, I offer:
tuck my love & care in your pocket
and keep me there, safe
draw on it when you need
(you’re going in my pocket, too)

I will be there for you
When you are too tired
To be
Let me hold you
until you are ready
to Resume

I wish I had the nerve
Wish I didn’t revert
to fixing, soothing, fawning, self-erasing
I wish I could remember how I feel,
find the words…at the right time
but mostly find the nerve

How many months am I allowed to hurt
after a couple decades of injury?
I wish I had the nerve
to take MY turn!
Then, I wish he would just listen.

Yes, angry now
that I don’t have the nerve
to carve out a place for MY hurt
Or better yet
to find my own safer space to heal

I wish you would tell me something real
I want to really know you
to know your worries & desires
I want to hear your thoughts & feelings
tell me what lights a smile
what darkens your eyes
I want to know the little annoyances
of your day
& the moments that bring a chuckle
however silly or ridiculous
I want to experience in real time
the ticking seconds of your reality
I want to really know you

Do you know that
No matter how much
You go away
No matter how much
You disappear
However much
You fade
It doesn’t matter
because I still will
Forever
Always
Love you

Heart
in so many pieces still
no you as glue

Remain
Meld love
Patchwork hearts
Meant to be
in a somewhere reality

I must believe

without remains
too empty

Come back to me
in at least one
reality

How do you tell someone close
You don’t love them anymore?
How do you let them know
All the years that have gone before
Are too filled with hurtful words
Piercing you to your core
That several months of “trying”
could never even the score

How do you say after 20 plus years
What a weight their presence brings?
How do you trust them with your fears
when their presence a heaviness rings?

How do you break the bonds that bind
When they’ve broken the truest you?

Despair is the only fate I find…
To answer these questions, I haven’t a clue.

Dismissed?
I’m ******!
Hey, YOU,
I’m smart too!
but you’re always debating
smart-woman hating
mansplaining
As if I never went to school
Do you think I am a fool?

I’m not just your pretty thing,
a lonely girl who wants a ring.
I have a brain inside me, too!
I converse as good as you
if you would stop behaving
like I am always wrong.
Nothing I do is right enough for you?
****!
Relax! You’re so uptight?
Just chill with me
be real with me
treat me with equality
like your bromance buddy.

Hey! My star won’t fit
beneath your boot.
No, Baby! I was born to BLAZE
Bright
like a Woman!

There was a summer…mmm, a handful of days,
then one northeastern evening…
(sorry, our history becomes a bit of a haze…
were all those memories misleading?)
I wanted to borrow & hold & treasure
through several handfuls of always forever
but the past told me, “Best leave it be”
So here I am ruminating
Messing about with a handful of words instead
(of the simplest primitive kind sometimes)
maybe it all was just in my head
memories of a love imagined
connection ne’er before fathomed
echoes of soul-deep passion…
Could it have been a mere passing?

did I mention how I dread
bearing through seasons ahead
the empty spaces still?
I’d wished for a caring hand
and one to watch birds at the windowsill
pecking the moments to fill
Greying days with smiles and silences—Peaceful
now I’m not sure who would sit with me…
’cause no-one fits that wish you see
it’s quite a unique place
this heart-hole empty space
that the past of you once graced…
now it’s just called “The Missing”
christened with a handful of wishing
painted over with a handful of words
I’ll bring flowers tomorrow

How are you doing?
It’s been a rocky evening here.
heat exhaustion hit

There, where you are now…
is it easing into being
a satisfactory home for you?
What do you like? What do you miss?

(I miss you! But this you knew)
My home wasn’t here today.
But my heart is too beaten
to try to say hi
when you’ve silently signaled
Another goodbye

I’m drowning too!
(You by change; I by stagnation…)
Either way, I guess this sea is too deep
for swimming So I’ll just sink

It’s been a while
since I saw your smile
seeming to approve
as I pretended it was you
inside

I miss that pleasure, gone now
since those brief clarifying words

your once hungry eyes
now whisper hinted cries
from dejection’s pit
satisfaction morphed to darkness
famished shadows have replaced
passionate sparkles in your gaze

I still, just now, found pleasure
finalized desires for you
(as always)
Sad, though, that your face
can no longer grace
those moaning moments

Under your image
I would shower tears instead

Yes, I miss the pleasure of your visage
In new ways now.
I miss believing that your lips
might part for mine
Someday

This one is different
Deeper, harder, more intensely lost
Ended, final, hopeless
What do I know?
Nothing
Just floating in space
I could end here
Gazing out into this fantastical void
Still I look to see the mirage of you
Hope is a wonderfully nice feeling
Too often false
It was nice to fake it while it lasted
But all good things, like silly hopes,
Must end
So goodbye, my beloved dream
I’ll miss pretending You were real

I have been thinking today
Of things I wanted to do but never did
before dad died.
These thoughts morphed to questions
of what I’d wish to do–my bucket list–
with you.
  
I would, first, want to absorb
everything you,
to hear you share thoughts closest to your heart—passions, interests, people.
I would know your dreams,
your struggles, peeves and pleasures…
to hear you reminisce of life experiences…
I wish so much to hear.
Yes, first on my bucket list with you–conversation.
  
Next, we might enjoy together
outdoor experiences in nature.
Whatever adventures are accessible
I’d wish to share with you.
Exploring trails, seeing various animals
(just know that monkeys love to bite me!)
Expressing our awe in each wonder,
Drifting on the ocean waves…
And more, so much more!
  
I miss so much and ever would desire more
to explore the Chemistry of us…
I would try to more carefully capture
every single moment, each sensation,
Preserving in my mind’s museum
knowing you
Never would I have a single memory slip away or fade or blur.
  
My bucket list is not a list really…
It’s a lifetime
forever diving deeper into you.
It’s a bucket-full of moments lived together
It’s two lives conjoined overflowing with love
eternal

It was here, last December,
I thought you’d come around
Now we are back to treading
That same silent deserted ground
What the ****?!
Are you this warm/cold cycle
For everyone you call a friend?
Or save it just for me--a girl
who thought you’d care until the end?

You said deletes were “needy”,
of analysis you’re weary;
Please! return for explanation,
or your behavior is just ******.

If I could put my heart back in my chest
maybe I’d not care about this mess
but it’s locked in your hands
crushed there as away you dash.

Am I not worthy the respect
of last words before you fly?
Was your wish for friendship
a soon regretted lie?

beyond midnight
restless
Whiskey floods the veins
Unshed tears over ashes,
these remains
Mourn the dead
Mourn the gone
Mourn the heart
from strong to wrong
Mourn the squandered past
the hollow aimless now
Frozen memory of that final last Farewell
Ponder empty broken words
Promises unkept
Pierced with sword
of hopes inept
Future nameless, fading figure
Sink as restless sleep takes over
Failed the fight
Dead tonight
Hope perhaps with morning light.

I express worry over states’ rights
concern for ICE & military overreach…

He’s angry there were people torching cars.

I care about the people ripped from home & family,
deterioration of due process…

He argues a test rocket exploding
had been misrepresented.

(I don’t really even care)

Fear dismissed turned to argument…

Maybe the moral of this story is:
I should find companionship with people
who value people first.
Human lives & their concerns,
Needs & basic rights
matter most to me.

My care won’t be dismissed…
but he might

I fear
no matter what I say or don’t
a moment will return of greater absence…
how long will be the wait?
and will you still return?
or absent stay?
so silent I remain
I fear

I want more
yet more I fear the less
so in these lesser shadows now I lay
tongue-tied
pointlessly wishing & wondering
more of you

If I built a door would you enter,
or deadbolt from your side,
cross it double with thick iron bars,
& lock me out again?
I ask because
I’ve long been taking measurements
& cutting wood…
I will not build a door into a room where I’m not wanted.
I do not wish to trouble you (The One I Love)
with doorways undesired.
This wall is thick, the doors just open into nowhere,
or open not at all…
Maybe I can build no more than just a skylight
through which the wish of hope might not even shine…
Still, I’ll cut & measure.
Perhaps, Someday I’ll find something Open by your hand…
or perhaps that, too,
is not in the future
…
Sorrowful
‘Twas a failed connection
might there ever be a “next”
to offer something real?

There’s a gaping chasm
Empty, hollow, waiting…
A you-shaped heart-hole
Sometimes tiny tidbits of your world waft this way
Drawn by magnetic pull, crashing into me
They help soothe the edges for brief moments as they land
Or sometimes amplify the absence  
only echoes of desire
Phantoms
  
True balm to ease this open wound
Would be your words, your voice, your image…
Your life aligned with mine…
For now the trickling ointment
Evidence of your existence
must satisfy
These droplets matter
To my aching heart.
  
I Love & Miss
You…
YOU—the missing piece
still

There's a bakery at the end of this dead-end street
It has lots of pastries with nothing to eat
I'm hungry so I hold your hand from across the miles
In your distant touch I feel a peace and start to smile
(a missing piece, more missed than missing now)
Let’s turn this dead-end to a through-street somehow
Even pouring concrete is romantic I’ve found
when done together with you…

Decades passed, in review:
I was happy on that journey, now sorry it’s through.
I miss being best friends with you.

Art is when the universe
sings the language of the soul
recreating for a moment
the eternity of birth & fire
the intensity of creation & ash
vapors of nothing
forming, transforming
both growing and dying
becoming melded & moulded into
singular beauty & horror
beyond mere word or thought
where feelings surpass logic
making perfect sense
of all & nothing

Art is the soul
living into the beyond
catching a spark of whatever heaven
may be
& so we burn
artistry in the in-betweens

I’ve been writing again, My Love
Inspired by want of you, My Muse
You, Only you, I crave because
This perfectly creamy plain vanilla life
lacking even specks…no tiny black dots of flavor,
it’s sweet and easy yet missing vibrancy
missing Something that I NEED
missing the hues of you.

This prettily-patched up heart of mine
(I’m sorry I hurt yours, too)
cries for brilliant flights of color,
Bursts of Flavor…
It cries for you, for you alone.
I’ve never felt a passion like yours,
never experienced a more thrilling ride
than when your love flowed inside..

Tell me, have you forever locked the gates?
Are your colors never more for me to taste?
Yes, you have told me so;
your answer, a forever “no”
Our love no more to be interlaced
For your shades vibrant, my hope was misplaced.

Your fire
Will not be dimmed
With the midnight lights
It still burns behind closed eyes
This tired night
I need you
Fire mine
Breath, voice, touch
Even just the knowledge of your presence
You are the flame
E’er flaring in my heart
So bright
I Love you, Ever