im so tired of
my good days turning to horrid days because
of your anger issues.
i always wonder what it would be like
to live in my own house,
to not have to deal with the screaming all day.
i thought things would be different once
i was close to graduating high school.
but i was oh so wrong.
i always wonder what it would be like
to live with two parents,
who loved each other.
not living with a verbally abusing father
and having a mother who has gone m.i.a.
i wonder what it would be like
to have a normal life, to be happy,
to not have to worry every time i come home.
i know things wont become better.
even though i always try to keep faith.

we lived in the same house,
but you left me when i was young.
i was so used to you sleeping until 3 p.m that i started to
learn how to cook off of cooking shows on the t.v,
i was only four years old.
i learned how to do my own laundry when i was nine,
when you started to run out of space for your
empty beer bottles in your room.
i learned how to defend myself after you pulled me up the stairs,
dragging me by my hair.
i was only thirteen years old.
i thought living like this was normal for being a young girl,
but after i realized that it wasn't normal, i took matters into my own hands.
i'm no longer broken, just bent.
no daughter should ever be treated the way that i was by her own mother.
i'm trying my hardest to live a normal life,
but your constant phone calls are stopping me from doing that.
please quit calling my cell phone.
please quit apologizing to me.
because i know you're not sorry,
you're just lonely.

the hard whisky i drank moments ago
is crawling down my throat,
the thought of you leaving me,
i cant help but choke.

my drunken emotions can't handle
the sadness that I feel
so I drink more hard whiskey
until i keel.

one shot two shot three shot four
my mind is just begging me for more.
i try my hardest to get you out of my head,
so i drink my emotions away instead.

you bring back feelings
i've tried so hard to forget.
all of your words and lust
will always fill me with regret

i've gone through life
with holes in the road and
constantly running out of gasoline.
people get tired of me spending
so much time in my car,
so they left to go on their own adventures.
im tired of being alone in my car,
always feeling hopeless.
i just want someone to pull up next to me
and ask if i need more gasoline.
and make me feel as if
im not so alone anymore.

wanting to stay home,
and not go out and party,
drink, smoke,
does not make you a loner,
or different.

I'm sorry I can't get out of bed in the morning.

My head is so full of thoughts, always a mess.

I'm sorry I'm quiet a lot,

I don't like to talk in front of my peers.

I'm sorry I'm distant a lot.

I feel like I disappoint everyone who I know.

I'm sorry I'm sad, and have to go to therapy.

I can express my feelings there, when I'm sad.

I'm sorry I want to end my life,

Things just aren't the same anymore.

Call me crazy
I refuse to talk in a room full of my peers,
Because I am afraid for
How those will react to the
“Shy” “Quiet” “Odd”
Girl to speak.

Call me crazy
I would rather be home writing
Enjoying a hot cup of hot cocoa rather than
Be out late at a party
With a random stranger
Who likes me for when I turn around

Call me crazy
I do not reach societies standards
For a barbie body,
Straight A’s,
Or owning the hottest pair of jeans on town.

Call me crazy
But I am not like the rest
And I refuse to become somebody
Who I do not want to be.

Lovely tragedies.
The more we think about them, the less we know
They are more than just confusions.
More than the stereotype that is given to them
They are art.
They are beautiful.

Butterflies cannot see their wings,
But the rest if the world can.
One might not think of their beauty,
Or not think any beauty is given to them.
But butterflies cannot see their wings,
But the rest of the world can.
They see and admire their beauty,
Even when they don’t believe that it’s there.

Lovely sadness.
An ocean of sadness waves over me at night
Shaking, like a leaf.
Confused, like a bee without a flower.
And scared, begging for comfort.
And then silence.
Silence is the killer of the night.

There is no blood on the walls
Or weapon of choice.
There is an empty mind,
And true sadness to ponder on.
You shake and cry, think and ponder,
But it will take over your mind.
Silence is the killer of your mind.
There is no safe space.
No place to weep when your mind takes over.
Lovely safety.
Your guardians are your protectors
Some don’t have protectors.
Some may scream
Some may hit, kick, or leave
Physical scars can heal
But mental scars, will never leave.

Freedom is your only dream
Escape from the screams
The pondering idea of freedom
Lovely safety is your only goal.

Lovely goodbyes.
If you removed everything you didn’t like
About yourself,
What would be left?
Not all goodbyes are a loss.