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1.8k · Oct 2017
Call Me Crazy
Call me crazy
I refuse to talk in a room full of my peers,
Because I am afraid for
How those will react to the
“Shy” “Quiet” “Odd”
Girl to speak.

Call me crazy
I would rather be home writing
Enjoying a hot cup of hot cocoa rather than
Be out late at a party
With a random stranger
Who likes me for when I turn around

Call me crazy
I do not reach societies standards
For a barbie body,
Straight A’s,
Or owning the hottest pair of jeans on town.

Call me crazy
But I am not like the rest
And I refuse to become somebody
Who I do not want to be.
837 · Aug 2018
shots of whiskey
the hard whisky i drank moments ago
is crawling down my throat,
the thought of you leaving me,
i cant help but choke.

my drunken emotions can't handle
the sadness that I feel
so I drink more hard whiskey
until i keel.

one shot two shot three shot four
my mind is just begging me for more.
i try my hardest to get you out of my head,
so i drink my emotions away instead.
547 · Aug 2018
diary entry #1
we lived in the same house,
but you left me when i was young.
i was so used to you sleeping until 3 p.m that i started to
learn how to cook off of cooking shows on the t.v,
i was only four years old.
i learned how to do my own laundry when i was nine,
when you started to run out of space for your
empty beer bottles in your room.
i learned how to defend myself after you pulled me up the stairs,
dragging me by my hair.
i was only thirteen years old.
i thought living like this was normal for being a young girl,
but after i realized that it wasn't normal, i took matters into my own hands.
i'm no longer broken, just bent.
no daughter should ever be treated the way that i was by her own mother.
i'm trying my hardest to live a normal life,
but your constant phone calls are stopping me from doing that.
please quit calling my cell phone.
please quit apologizing to me.
because i know you're not sorry,
you're just lonely.
459 · Oct 2017
How I Became A Wallflower
I still have scars
Not just physical, but
mental scars from you
that never seem to fade

You seemed to show no interest
when I begged for help
or when I needed your love
and comfort.

You slammed my door so hard
that it broke one day.
So did a little piece of me.
I just wanted to show you attention,
The attention you never gave me.

You get mad when I sit quietly,
isolated in the darkness of my room.
I shake whenever you walk past
my door, its become a habit.

Screams scare me now.
I don't seem to want attention from anyone
I still sit alone, in my quiet room
I've turned into a wallflower.
and you're the reason why.
seven hundred and thirty days
since I last saw your perfect teeth
and heard your musical laugh.
seven hundred and thirty days
since you combed through your hair
and got ready to start the day.
seven hundred and thirty days
is such a long time.
but its felt like so much longer
since you were not here to
experience those
seven hundred and thirty days.
Rest in  peace, TJ.  Sep 1, 1999- Nov 7, 2015
404 · Jan 2018
not so easy lifestyle
i get screamed at a lot.
not because i didn't do the dishes
or i didn't take the dog out.
but because my mind is a tsunami
of unhealthy thoughts.
and i isolate myself in a room,
so i can keep to myself.
i may look happy
i may look proud
but i will never be enough for you.
329 · Nov 2017
Attached To The Hip
Depression is that one friend
who is attached to you by the hip.
The one who bugs you,
Points out the insecurities you carry
You ponder on the thought
Of being free,
Not having to live with this leech
Inside of your head.
Tearing, breaking, crumbling your mind.
It breaks you,
Mentally and physically.
A war is going on in your own head
It will win.
306 · Oct 2017
Shallow Eyes
look deep into my eyes
and tell me that my pain
is not visible.
because my shallow eyes,
which burn from the tears
that you caused,
say otherwise
299 · Nov 2017
Apologies
I'm sorry I can't get out of bed in the morning.

My head is so full of thoughts, always a mess.

I'm sorry I'm quiet a lot,

I don't like to talk in front of my peers.

I'm sorry I'm distant a lot.

I feel like I disappoint everyone who I know.

I'm sorry I'm sad, and have to go to therapy.

I can express my feelings there, when I'm sad.

I'm sorry I want to end my life,

Things just aren't the same anymore.
298 · Oct 2017
Lovely Goodbyes
Lovely tragedies.
The more we think about them, the less we know
They are more than just confusions.
More than the stereotype that is given to them
They are art.
They are beautiful.

Butterflies cannot see their wings,
But the rest if the world can.
One might not think of their beauty,
Or not think any beauty is given to them.
But butterflies cannot see their wings,
But the rest of the world can.
They see and admire their beauty,
Even when they don’t believe that it’s there.

Lovely sadness.
An ocean of sadness waves over me at night
Shaking, like a leaf.
Confused, like a bee without a flower.
And scared, begging for comfort.
And then silence.
Silence is the killer of the night.

There is no blood on the walls
Or weapon of choice.
There is an empty mind,
And true sadness to ponder on.
You shake and cry, think and ponder,
But it will take over your mind.
Silence is the killer of your mind.
There is no safe space.
No place to weep when your mind takes over.
Lovely safety.
Your guardians are your protectors
Some don’t have protectors.
Some may scream
Some may hit, kick, or leave
Physical scars can heal
But mental scars, will never leave.

Freedom is your only dream
Escape from the screams
The pondering idea of freedom
Lovely safety is your only goal.

Lovely goodbyes.
If you removed everything you didn’t like
About yourself,
What would be left?
Not all goodbyes are a loss.
247 · Nov 2017
Your Unique Self
Don't let someone else do the honor
of making your heart gleam with joy.

Don't let the words, spoken with negativity
affect the way you walk down the street.

Dont change yourself,
because society says you should.

Make yourself proud
Make yourself happy
Be you.
190 · Jul 2019
to all my dearest friends
im sorry that some days i cannot reply to your text message. i’m in bed, in too much mental pain to get out.
i’m sorry that some days i seem off and distant. i have a lot going through my head at all times.
i’m sorry that i will bail on plans last minute. sometimes i just want to stay home.
i’m sorry that i cannot be happy like you are. there is a battle going on in my head that never seems to end, no matter how long i go to therapy.
i’m sorry that i’m quiet in public places, my stomach gets tied in knots whenever i’m anxious.
things in life haven’t been the same for a long time. i don’t want to go outside and see the sun, i want to stay inside by myself, because the battle in my head is exhausting sometimes.
i’m sorry that i cannot be happy. i’m really trying, i promise
176 · Jul 2018
Running Out Of Gasoline
i've gone through life
with holes in the road and
constantly running out of gasoline.
people get tired of me spending
so much time in my car,
so they left to go on their own adventures.
im tired of being alone in my car,
always feeling hopeless.
i just want someone to pull up next to me
and ask if i need more gasoline.
and make me feel as if
im not so alone anymore.
161 · Dec 2017
Some Sort of Different
wanting to stay home,
and not go out and party,
drink, smoke,
does not make you a loner,
or different.
you bring back feelings
i've tried so hard to forget.
all of your words and lust
will always fill me with regret
148 · Aug 2018
diary entry #2
im so tired of
my good days turning to horrid days because
of your anger issues.
i always wonder what it would be like
to live in my own house,
to not have to deal with the screaming all day.
i thought things would be different once
i was close to graduating high school.
but i was oh so wrong.
i always wonder what it would be like
to live with two parents,
who loved each other.
not living with a verbally abusing father
and having a mother who has gone m.i.a.
i wonder what it would be like
to have a normal life, to be happy,
to not have to worry every time i come home.
i know things wont become better.
even though i always try to keep faith.
143 · Jun 2018
the worst temptation
some days i think im getting better
i think the sun is shining brighter,
and the birds sing louder.

but days upon days go by,
and i realize things are still the same.
still the same sad, lonely, days that
ive had since i was young.

i do try to get better,
to think happier thoughts and
do happier things.

but the worst temptation that i have,
is to run back to it all.
the drugs, the alcohol, the ***.

the worst temptation will always be the death of you.

— The End —