can you ***** my finger and measure the dopamine in my veins? collect my teardrops and tell me if i'm going to be okay? can you light up the darkness with magical pills?
decide if i'm too sad to go to school?
can you tell me if i'm just being melodramatic? measure my blood pressure, maybe that will work. write me a prescription for 5 Happy Days in a row, and 3 hugs from Someone I Love.

doctor, doctor
i'm not feeling well today
doctor, doctor
i don't know if i should stay

sadness isn't a sickness, but it's infected my mind. can you write me some antibiotics to get them out in time?

sadness isn't sickness, but i think i might've caught something from doing a little too much of Having No Friends. don't you know how much i've been Laying In Bed?
sadness isn't sickness, but i think i'm coming down

doctor, doctor
i've got a severe case of the I Don't Want To Lives
can you write me a prescription?
make it go away?

doctor, doctor
you've let me down this time
doctor, doctor
i'm not in my prime

can you tell that i'm not healthy?
'cause i don't think you can
oh, sadness isn't sickness,
but it's fatal,
if all goes according to plan

she was slightly suicidal

partly crazy

but mostly alone



-k.l.

I oftentimes recall a boy,
To whom all life was simple joy,
Who never let life get him down,
And reached for the celestial crown.

Although inside his heart was broke,
He'd treat life as just a joke.
Good friends he never seemed without-
To see him smile removed all doubt.

One day he ate a box of pills,
And finished with all earthly thrills,
To think of it brings me a chill,
I wish that he was smiling still...

"The problem with suicide is that when it becomes an option in your mind, it's always an option."

“I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don’t think two people could have been happier ’til this terrible disease came. I can’t fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can’t even write this properly. I can’t read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer. I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been. V.”
- Virginia Woolfe

Blood-stained sheets of paper littered the floor, like
the mind of a depressed author. And you picked one up, looked
me in the eyes and said this is a dead man's idea of good-bye,

where you got them, I didn't know, but I listened
to the way your voice softened as you read and sang and
wallowed. I'm sorry it had to come to this you read, I just

don't think I belong here anymore. There's this empty
hole in my chest where I loved you once before. And baby,
don't cry, you did everything you could, but sometimes

everything just isn't enough. You never said who the author was
and I think that meant a lot. I remember the night you serenaded
me with lines from suicide notes, and I remember how it was not until
the end that I realized it had been yours.

now, kid, I know I haven't been the best
man to guide you through life
I've tried my best
succeeded
and failed
but I've tried my best.

I loved you
I miss you
it's been almost a year
I hate the gap
that you left behind.

You were so amazing
always nice
kind
giving
funny
the best thing I ever
brought to this world
you always lived for yourself
and yourself alone
but you helped others
to live their lives to the fullest.

I just took some sleeping pills
not too much, just enough to see you
I miss you so much.
But I wonder,
who'll take care
of your mum and sister
when I'm gone.

I cry everyday thinking of you.
I can't sleep at night because every time I close my eyes, I see your face.
I cut myself trying to cause more pain, than what my heart is already in.
My chest is heavy and my heart beats in an irregular way.
I look at your picture and I can not breathe.
I read the letters you gave me and fight not to **** myself after every word.
I went on your myspace today and read the comments from girls who said how beautiful you are, and how beautiful your eyes are...
Those used to be mine.
All I can do is think of you.
Kayla was the quickest fix the night you broke my heart again... Although I did deserve it.
Lesbian *** and drugs were the only thing that kept me alive that night.
The drugs were never strong enough.
The cuts are never deep enough.
I can't pretend to be happy for much longer.
Derrick makes me happy, but "every time he kisses my lips, I taste your mouth, and every time he pulls me in, I feel disgusted with myself."
Every time I love him, I want to call out your name.
I'm sick of being in so much pain. I want to stop dreaming of you every night and waking up in tears and sweat.
I want to tell my mom that I'm ok, and actually mean it.
I want to tell myself that I don't love you anymore,
But that would just be one more lie.
I used to stare at you from across the courtyard at lunch, or go a specific way to class just to run into you.
I used to tell all of your friends about how much I miss you
Hoping they would tell you.
I tried everything to make you want me back.
I tried jealousy at the mall,
Even offering you my body once more,
But you made it clear you don't love me anymore.
Remember that day you walked me home and Mandy told you that I still cut?
And remember what you asked me: "What, does Derrick not make you happy enough?"
I never told you the truth in my answer.
Though Derrick had much to do with my sadness,
It was really because I can't have you.
You were my life, my love, my reason to stay alive. You were the only good thing in my life... And now you're gone.
And I know it's all my fault.
I still blame myself for your suicide attempt.
I broke your heart too many times and I'll never forgive myself for what I put you through.
Gina told me something yesterday that made me realize how stupid I am, and how stupid I was.
She said that in every relationship, there will be a test of love. A test of how strong I can be... And I failed you.
She told me about how for her, there was another guy making advances toward her while her and Brad were dating, and she almost broke up with Brad for him!
But she didn't. And now they are married.
My test came by the name of Cory.
It happened the same way as Gina's test; Her and Brad were having problems when the other guy showed up, and you and I had a lot of problems too when Cory came into my life.
Gina was strong and didn't give in. But I was stupid and gave you up for him.
And I had to realize that I'll always love you.
But you have finally stopped loving me. And now I'm too late.
And now my life is a huge lie,
Filled with quick fixes that only make things worse.
I want to accept the fact that you and I will never be,
But I think that the only way that will ever happen is after my death.
Maybe I take too many pills.
Maybe I cut one millimeter too deep.
Maybe after I finally put an end to it all;
The lies, the drugs, the alcohol, the cuts, the pain,
Maybe then, I'll stop loving you.

Until then, my love.
I shall rot away in this body
Killing myself one day at a time.

I'll love you forever,
Amanda.

I wish I had a reason on why I stay up all night
Like a lover by my side and our endless goodbyes
If only I had closed my eyes and called it a night
Instead of spending so much time staring at blank spaces and blinding lights
Computer screens that give me headaches in return for relief
And non-existent people I look up to and believe
I wish I had someone I loved by my side
Instead of my arms wrapped in scars and pulses that I thought will always keep me alive
I wish I had someone who made me crave for love
Instead of this annoying anticipation for death and giving up
And the urge to cut and mutilate for the sake of a friend
Who helped build me up until I could be ready for my death bed

I wish I had a reason on why I stay up all night
Instead of these thoughts that course through my body and veins
Preparing and hoping that maybe, today will be that day

n.j.