I needed something profound
and you showed me a sunken ship
the depths of which I had never known
but that is so like you
shining other people's lights
for me to see the way

Is it possible to cry for a ghost?
Not an actual spirit left behind,
But for the shell that walks pass day after day.
They look the same but those who knew then before can tell.
They are no longer there.
They have died within themselves.
The person once known is gone.
Is it normal to mourn the loss that happened but didn't?
Is goodbye still goodbye if they're still here?
Tell me.... Because I can't tell...

because i believed you
because i never realized how brown your eyes really were until i had the courage to stare
because you told me you were happier this way
because i don't feel suicidal when i'm with you
because you wanted me to meet your mother
because you never ask me what's wrong
because you don't care about anything
because i wanted to know what would happen
because i was too scared to ask
because ******* for leaving the first time
because i love you for coming back
because you only ever touch me when you're drunk
because his lips didn't feel like yours
because he made me laugh but not the way you could
because of 3 am nights with you are all i want to remember
because 3 am nights without you sit in the middle of my chest like a boulder
because my father warned me
because i can't do it anymore
because i can't do it anymore

I think
I get so scared of people leaving me
so I **** everything up before something even becomes of it
I get defensive
or
I get vulnerable
and I scare them off

I think
I wasn't built out for a relationship
because I am confident and I do love myself
but
somehow I can't keep any potential great relationship going

I think
no one can love me the way I want them to
or
the way I would love them
because they don't understand me
they don't absorb how my mind and spirits play, sometimes together
they don't realize how far my thoughts can go

I think
at the end of the day
we all just want someone to be obbessed with us as we are with them

You and me and them and you
Alone
In grieving,
In dying,
In laughing, too.

Us and us and them and her,
One spirit
As old as time.
One body
The Gaia's
Green, blue and at last multicoloured.

You, and me and you and me and me and you and you and me,
With twin visions,
Extraordinary reunion
Finally, eye in eye.

You and us, you
Enemies to us
But we not to you,
We love you.


-- Eleanor

This cheap bottle of wine worked better than my therapist.