you're leaving me here
to make memories
that I will be forced to
look back on
in sadness
when you all
leave me again
one
by
one.

what a
fickle thing
feelings
i wish i
could turn them
all off

My heart is heavy and it hurts
I don’t understand where I go wrong
One after the other
All the same
Starts out so strong,
But as days go on,
Words and conversations lack
Till nothing...
But an empty shell of a connection remains
My heart is heavy and it hurts

it's our laughter that
bound us;
the moment of camaraderie
new friendship being born
unsure whether this'll be thorn
or storm
and i sat there, torn
unsure where to go from here
a welcoming clasp
palm on palm, fingers
coiled around one another
a peace treaty, a clap of agreement
a silent pact between us
" i gotchu"
a " thank you"
a smile here
a couple more there
am offer for selfless help
and pride in me
pride in you
teamwork.
teamwork,
that forged out friendship
and i thank you
for all your help
all of it.

do you believe in it?
- what?
- love at first sight.
- it depends laugh what do you mean by 'love'?
- i... i don't know. i feel like it has multiple different meanings in my mind. but i guess... love at first sight... similar to a crush but a bit different, yet that little bit counts for miles. love at first sight is when your heart warms to a person upon laying his eyes on them. the feeling like another piece of your life fell into place. it's joyyy, so much joy all at once, for no reason, but also a little sadness, because you know people don't believe in love at first sight, and that most likely you'll never get a chance. it's constantly thinking about the person, swooning over, but also loving their personality. the jokes, the laughs, the helpfulness, the understanding. the friendship, the sense of belonging. it's smiling randomly. it's having conversations in your mind that you know you'll never be able to have in real life. it's wondering when you'll see them again, grief every day that you don't. longing for what will never be. pain upon uncertainty. it's trust that you shouldn't have , risk you shouldn't take. it's all pretty chaotic, but it's all there in a massive whirl in my head, and i can't sleep. so, what is this? how can all this emotion be nothing?
- no emotion is 'nothing'. but what you described does sound a bit suspiciously crush-like. what's the fine line that separates intrigue, attraction and love?
- it's safety. the feeling of safety, feeling of being home when you're far from your house, it's the feeling of calm and content when you know that you'll see them again. it's- i don't know, man. but this HAS to be more than a mere crush laced with intrigue and boredom. it can't be something that'll disappear as fast as it came about. not all of this.
- yeah, maybe. i'm seriously as lost on this one as you are.
- uuurrghh, why are people so hard? and why are there always so. many. obstacles?!
- who knows? but you're right. nothing comes easy.
- 'easy'?! sometimes the one thing you need most never comes at all!
- now, now-
- i read a quote from a book the other day; "i could not understand why i wasn't allowed to have this without everything else falling apart. was this the only way the universe could find a balance? by taking so much away in order to grant me one pleasure?" and, like, i read that and thought, ****, well, ain't that relatable
- wow. that's pretty deep.
- deep is one way to put it, anyway, i don't know what to do, what to think, how to go about. what now?
- i guess we'll just have to wait and see. *shrug