i wake up at 5 am every day, on the dot. i don’t use the alarm clock you gave me anymore, though. the heavy feeling in my chest is just enough to pull me from my dreams. it always takes a while before i finally start to move. strange, isn’t it… it’s almost like i don’t want to get out of bed.

after dragging myself across the hall and into the bathroom, i start my daily staring contest with my own reflection in the little mirror above the sink. i wonder if it knows how empty the real me is feeling. i always have long repetitive conversations with my shower head about you. it tells me to move on. i tell it to go **** itself. we’ve become very good friends.

it’s almost 6:30 am at this point. after getting dressed, i start a quiet discussion with myself about what kind of alcohol would serve as the best substitute for your lips that day. the answer is ***. it’s always ***. i’m actually allergic and get really bad stomach aches. but hey, i might as well feel something, right?

i watch the sunrise from my living room couch and wonder if you’re doing the same. a half-eaten sandwich in one hand and my heart in the other. i can never bring myself to put it back between my ribs, because i’m afraid i might start to move on.

as i leave the house, i hear my bed calling my name. i do my best to ignore it and lock the door behind me. still, i can’t stop myself from wishing this voice belonged to you. i take a moment to listen to the sound of the wind rushing through the leaves, as if to convince myself that there is more to life than this pain. i know though, that when i come back home tonight, it will still hurt just the same.

a couple of months ago i got lost
somewhere between sad and depressed
and i never managed to find my way out.
i've been dwelling among roots
of lost memories and engrave
the reasons why i'm still in love with you
in tree barks,
why i still miss you.
i bet you never even think of looking for me
and i can't stop myself from seeing your face
in every crease of my mind.
i hope you still love me. no,
i wish you'd still love me
because i just know your lips
are resting on someone else's
while mine are covered in layers of dust
left behind by loneliness.
late at night,
i'm haunted by echoes
of the way you say you love him
and it's keeping me awake.
i haven't slept in 5 days.
my heart is crumbling
and it's becoming increasingly harder
to hold it all together.
the feeling of your lips
is a fading memory
and i hate that i can no longer remember
what it felt like to hear you say
that you love me.

03.09.2013
i've gone to bed around 7 today. the feeling of being awake without you is becoming unbearable. i still don't understand why you left. i never got any explanation. i miss you. everything is so cold. i think i want to die.

31.10.2013
i tried using ***** to make someone's lips taste like yours. but when i kissed them it felt like i was pouring my blood into a bottomless vase and everyone could see how i was failing miserably at trying to fill an empty well with a handful of water.

14.11.2013
i barely leave the house because i'm afraid that i might see you with him. you always look so happy. why do you look so happy without me. you said you loved me.

22.12.2013
i tried turning my sadness into a corpse of words and the burying it in 6 feet of blank pages, but every night i am visited by the ghost of the feelings i attempted to forget.

03.01.2014
it's been so long since i've had alcohol in my system. i've become numb enough to no longer need substances to make me forget whatever is happening around me. the pain has faded over time, but i still don't feel any less dead, let alone alive.

10.02.2014
my parents keep asking me why i'm always so quiet. thing is that i could never answer them, because your name is constantly clogging my throat. i see you in everything around me and late-night breezes have started to sound like lost echoes of your voice. your smell is still clinging to my sheets. god, help me.

15.03.2014
i'm drunk again. i miss you and everything hurts. i couldn't resist. i'm sorry i'm so sorry i'm so so sorry i love you i miss you please come back i love you i love y

She was the only girl I was able to be myself around. She listened to my stories, laughed at my jokes, cuddled with me when I was sad and made me smile when I couldn’t. I was completely in love with her. We spoke of marriage, children and growing old together. It was the perfect picture. I honestly thought I had found the one for me; my perfect match. I thought we were forever.
I was wrong.

In the blink of an eye, she was gone. She left me for another, better man. As every person would be, I was devastated. I tried everything to get the love of my life back, in vain. Nothing I said or did was going to change the fact that her feelings have shifted to another.

Before I could even understand the whole situation, the pain of my loss hit me. My feelings were everywhere. It started with tears in the shower, sleepless nights, alcohol and my chest caving in every time I heard her name. I’ve woken up to tear-soaked pillows, caused by nightmares so many times. I’ve pushed away friends and family, because I was so afraid to love anyone any more.

Then suddenly, it all stopped. No tears, anger or pain and no happiness. I became a mirror: blank when nobody was around and showing everyone smiles, laughter and joy; just what they wanted to see. Only I knew that none of it was real.

my love for you is comparable to the moon;
it will not always show as much,
but it will always be there.
you are like magic;
your eyes are the galaxies
that put the stars in my skies
and when it's pouring rain, your smile
is the sun that clears up the grey clouds.
whenever my world falls silent,
your voice is what puts life and color
in everything around me.
my love for you is comparable to the moon;
it may not always show as much,
but it will always be there.