I dont know what to say anymore.
I miss you.
Know that.
Simply that I miss you.

She was like white powder on my nightstand
She picked me up when I was feeling down
One inhale and I could feel her tingling through my body
Two inhales and Im gone
Gone away with her on this magical trip

Here we are again
In the same place i was in last year
I wish I could take it all back
Why do I entrust myself to people like you
Did you even listen to me
What about myself draws in people like yourself
So that I can rip that out
You lead me on
You promised me a brighter life
And then you took all my hope away
You broke me while I was already broken
Plain and simple
Why at my most fragile did I decide to let someone in
Ungrateful for myself
So here I stand alone again
Missing a piece that I'll never get back

I can't breathe
Let me breathe
There isn't air anymore
I can't breathe
No one hears me
I have such soft screams
But I'm still screaming
I'm still a person
I think I should stop
That's my problem
I never know when to stop
Why can't I make decisions
Sure I'll do that since you suggested it
Who am I?
I am the walrus
Yup I'm gone
And it's so late
remember when we use to stay up all night
I think about that all the time
I can't get back on my schedule
I need to just let it go
But I can't
How many sunrises did we watch together
How many cigarettes did we smoke
How much closer were we
to each other
to death
And now I've run out of air
Maybe that's why we didn't sleep
Because we knew our time was numbered
You say you saw this coming
I really didn't to everyone's dismay
I thought I was making a choice
And then I couldn't do it
But I couldn't do it now either
I can't keep jumping person to person
You both should have left
I wanted that
But I'm afraid to be alone
I'm afraid of myself
And I'm afraid of the dark
silence is my biggest fear
And my farthest goal
I miss my clocks
I miss cat
And I miss you
I can't believe I don't remember what you smell like anymore
That's ****** up
Can I smell you
or is that a no
I'm suppose to be learning how to read social cues from people now
I can't only have one emotion they said
More like all of them combined
I think I've lost it
Dude you broke me
But its okay
I like this
Broken means I don't have to worry about breaking
Maybe you were right
It wouldn't be the first time

I am so weak today
I can't keep your name out
You're alive today in me
I miss you so much
Do you even think of me anymore
I can't remember you at night
Like a foggy morning
Unable to see the light through the mist
Is that you
Can hear my voice
I'm calling for you

It's small and white
It fits perfectly in my pleading hands

It's calling to me
Begging me to fail

Self control?
Gone.

Numbness takes over
Everything is lost

Pain is irrelevant
But needed

The silver flash cuts flesh
releases pain and agony

Rivers of red flow smoothly onto the floor
Collecting and turning into oceans  

Stop?
Why?

Never.

I heard your voice last night
It was faint but it was there
Was it my meds calling to me
pRoBaBlY
But it sounded like you
And with open ****** arms I reached out to you
Forgetting all of the pain
Forgetting all of the hatred
I never meant to hurt you
And I know you never meant to hurt me
It doesn't matter now
But if I go now please know
I reached out to you
I reached for you with my last breath

She's looking at me and I can feel it everywhere
I can feel my hair standing on end
My stomach is swimming

She's touching my hand and I'm thinking
I'm thinking about how soft she is
And where her hands should be..

She's biting her lips as she looks at me
She wants me
And I want her
Because she's giving me the look

I lay in bed trying to replay the night in my mind
The way her lips moved from lips to my neck
How her hands explored the familiar territory of my mind

I try to turn it off and sleep but
Then I remember how she kisses my stomach in just the right spot
Her curls falling over my sides softly kissing me
I remember her hands holding my hands in place

Rolling over I close my eyes tighter and try to clear my mind
And then I think of how she gives me that stare as she climbs my body
Her nails lightly grazing up my inner thigh  
Her silent moans fill the room

She's forever on replay in my mind
Her angelically devious smile she gives me when she knows I want more
The way her eyes glow green with excitement
The way her eyes radiate when I try to hold it in
Pure ecstasy

How could I stop thinking of her
Until once again I'm back in her arms
Begging for more

We all process information differently
I'm not heartless
And I'm not cold
There was a switch I will agree
But I've learned and I've grown
Life lessons that have cut me, broken me
But has yet to killed me
I won't thank you for ripping me apart
Although putting myself back together has been an adventure
That has lead me to bounteous places
Filled with magnificently bizarre people
However I will thank you for releasing me
My walls have collapsed, and my mind has expanded
I hope one day you'll grow as well
Until then I must say goodbye for now

How do I explain to people what this feels like
This feeling of wanting it all to end
I never wanted to be apart of this
All I've wanted is to feel full
This empty feeling has been pulling me down
I can't stand on my own anymore
But all you can see is my smile
A smile that I practice everyday
My laugh is full of desperation
All I want to do is lay down and die

There is something untrustworthy of a man with a half untucked shirt
Walking the late night streets with diamond dew on his heels
You asked with the essence of liquor on your breathe
If you could show me something
I said no
You heard yes
And now I walk alone
Tears running and mixing with the red gore of life
Broken and used
Stumbling helplessly home
I can still feel the inferno burning inside of me
What was seized and what was deposited are one now
Why me?
Why now?
Only four more miles until home
There is something so untrustworthy of life

I want to let go of everything
All of my stress and worries
Put them in a jar and let them go
Drop it into the ocean and watch it drift away
All the pain and struggles I endured
All the suffering and loneliness gone
But it always returns
Stronger and wiser
It feeds on my pain and discomfort
It leaves me with only one thing to do
Pick up the bottle
With its sharp and pointed ends
And let it cut the life out of me
Taking away the pain for the last time
The ocean tented with my story shines like crimson

She is always running though my
mind?
Running away from
me?
She's so close to me
Yet so far away
I reach out to grab her hand
And fall
down
to my own
destruction

This is when the world makes sense
When nothing exist except she and I
Here in this moment I can swim to the bottom of the ocean
I can fly into space
I can climb the tallest mountain
But none of that matters when I here with you
You are the single thread holding me to Earth
Without you life would be irrelevant
Floating through the days, and drowning through the nights
All I could ask for in life
Is to lay in your arms forever
Breathing in your scent of security
To trace the molds of life on your face
To be here with you
Is all I want

I feel so lost
To far gone to feel pain
I'd give anything to feel something
Besides this nothingness
But my heart has stopped beating
The beating has stopped leaving me hollow and silent
Alone

I'm always alone
It's so quiet in my body
the ticking of my brained has slowed
All thoughts have escaped me
Except the thoughts of her
They are always there dancing

Dancing in my mind like the wind
She lives in my body
She moves through my veins
And pulls at my heart
She pulls at my shallow heart and shatters what's left
And leaves me with nothing
Nothing but memories
Memories of her

The emptiness that comes to me
Doesn't come when the sun shines
It comes when the night stars litter the sky
Where the darkest souls come out to play
That is when the desolation of my soul begins
Burning memories remind me of where I am
Lost in the past, while drowning in the future
What future could be placed on this obscure void
Glimmering moments of ecstasy slip through the holes
Seconds of bliss show what could be
To be content
Before the flood of hopelessness and despair return

Time


Is the worst enemy to have

Time

kills
heals

**** time

As day falls and the night rises from the dead once again
A new light is burning
I look at you and see the sunset in your face
And my heart stops beating
Never have I felt this way about you
Or anyone else like you
My eyes never wanting to leave your face
Begin to watch the decaying day

Each color falling into one another
As my heart falls into yours
I can't believe the thoughts running through my head
Everything is changing
There is nothing more i would love than to stay
Here with you forever

We're sitting so close I can feel your body heat radiating
You are my warmth on this cool night in the twilight
With self control falling to pieces
I reach out and stroke your face
Soft as clouds, I can feel you blushing under my hand
Your hand slowly running through my hair

So unsure, yet so confident
I know in my heart this is right
This is how it is suppose to be
How it is suppose to be

Your soft sweet breath blows on my neck as you say the words burning my tongue
My hands glide up and down, find you in the dark
Our cautious lips meet  
Soft and sweet
That turns to raw passion
I can feel my entire body aching for you

A giggle of excitement escapes my mouth as we come up for air
Never have I felt this way before
I just hope you feel the same way

8/11/12

I can't

think
breathe
live
love

when it comes to you
it all must end
please let me go
My soul cant detach

I just want it to end
All the pain
And sorrow and agony
To lay down burden free
To slumber forever

I saw you today
You didn't seem different
Yet my mind has imaged and remembered you in a strange manner
You still were the same height as me
Same hair
And if I had been in front of you
I'm sure I would have seen that your eyes were the same
But I'v changed so much
Do you know that?
But then again you didn't see me

You know that moment when you realize everything is just one big ******* joke
We make promises, we declare love, we fight and we lose..
But when will we break from this cycle and create change
Or is change just a strain of hope that falls from the violet and silent universe
Will I ever get you out of my head
Did you move on
And what's next?
What would you want next in life when everything will be ripped away in the end
Relationships fail, people lie, and death fills the air
What could be next?
Maybe a small connection will ignite the strain of hope and bring light back
Maybe you'll mean nothing to me some day
But why wait for something that will never happen.

Come follow me where nothing matters but you and I. We could be together, and nothing could separate us. Follow me under the waves into the dark world that lies below. Let go of everything and everyone, and follow me where light dares not go.

We could be the light of our new world, and fill every inch with love. We could live where time stands still, where there is no haste.

Don't think of the cold. Just close your eyes and take my hand. Take my hand and walk with me to the waves and leave this erratic world behind. Worry not of the past or the future, just here and now.

Follow me into a world that knows no endings or beginnings. Come with me and discover the peace the silence.