Sometimes I wish I married the first person I dated
And he treated me nicely
And I knew what it was like to be taken care of
I wish our first kiss was my first kiss
And it was sweet and simple
And when it came time for ***, he was gentle
And he didn’t mind when I got a little nervous in crowds or in the car wash
And he knew what to do when the rain cloud decided to show up  
He knew what would make me smile, he wouldn’t care if it took awhile
He wouldn’t care if I was quiet or loud or silly


I wish I didn’t have to go through what I did
I wish I made better choices in men
I wish my first kiss wasn’t sexually charged
I wish I wasn’t hurt the way I was hurt
I wish I didn’t flinch when any man nonchalantly raises his hand
I wish that I didn’t have to pick the pieces up and reassemble with some new additional pieces
I wish I didn’t have to continuously reintroduce myself to me
I wish they didn’t try to control, manipulate, and put me in a box
I wish they just accepted me for me

But they didn’t
And now I have some stories
And quite a bit of baggage
Now I know better
But I didn’t have to go through that
I didn’t want to go through that
I just want to start over
The thing is;
I don’t think the first person who dated me would want to date me
Because I am not that person anymore
She is gone

I let myself be in love once
Giddy and gleeful
Not butterflies in my stomach
But warm milk in my belly

I was devoted
I was obedient
I was his.

Until I decided not to be.
Because when you give all yourself over
You lose yourself
And now I have been gone for awhile
I have forgotten how to live

And at times I don’t want to live
It sits on my chest
Weighs down my heart
Until I no longer want to be present
Or have this present from the melancholy king

But I am growing again
And I feel my soul stretch
Like a cat after a cozy afternoon nap
And I am ready
And excited
Oh so excited for what will happen

But for now (and maybe for ever
-fingers crossed)
I do not want to be in love
I do not want to have a lover

For if being in love is a debt
I do not want to be in the business of it
It has nothing to do with me

I went to China
to find independence
Instead I was reborn

But I don't know,
I have weird sensations
that I am struggling with the problems
Problems I already solved

Or maybe I am just trying to censor myself
While all I want to do is-- me.

I never felt like kissing another person like this
It is like I am searching
Searching for your warmth
Searching for the enclave that I can rest my body
I want to caccoon myself in your love
And I pray to God that my love radiates off of me and your skin will absorb it
I am crossing my fingers in hope that I finally found a good one
I want this love to be successful

2 years later . . . it was all a joke
I never loved him.
He loved to sit in his depression while he thought I was just a poor foreign girl- child.
**** THAT

There are two kinds of mentally ill people
people who get ******* high off of this sick ride
like it is some kind of beautiful
It is like they get off on being ****** up
like ******* over someone has some grace to it
your ******* sick; cut and dry
that is all that is your reality.

and  then there people who are holding on for dear life
just waiting
waiting to die- waiting for the ride to end
it is like life is one big breath being held
When will it end?
It will never end

Mental illness feels like a penny that is stuck in your ear
an eraser eternally stuck up your nose
and itch that needs to be scratched?
do you want me to go on?

I do not like waking up on the bathroom floor every weekend
I do not like being suicidal every other year
I do not like being an nuisance to my friends and family
I do not like

I wish I did not want feel this way
I wish I was  more in control
I wish I did not see the shadows in the corner of my eyes
I wish I did not cry as often
I wish I was strong
I wish

I feel like a schizophrenic who only gets solace in music
but I am not,
I am just a person who is sad all the ******* time
no matter what is going on in my life

I think I will sleep now,
I am too tired to sleep.

My heart was not broken
it was my sternum
it was never set back into place
the scar tissue surrounded the unattended bones
and now it will never mend
The two pieces forever shattered
with their shards cutting into muscles

I have never felt love
I do not know what it feels likes
but I know how it feels to love someone
and be disappointed.
confused
I never had a love of a mother
I never had a love of a father

And all I know how to feel is
hurt and pain
I am all alone.

Why is everyone getting black steal fences?
Is that like how the asphalt plant is hot topic in this stupid little town?
In the back of my head I stand screaming
"Nothing ******* matters! Nothing ******* matters!"
I would rather be in my own imagination
In my cognition
In my subconscious
It's better than this **** show called reality

Like this is how life really is?
Living in this dysfunction?
I wish I didn't have this personality
I wish I had a different life
I wish I was born in a different month
Or a different person
With a different smile and a different face
With a different body and a different job

This can't be what it's like?
I am so alone
I don't want to be alone

Love is beautiful
Patience and kind
Movie star kisses
Making passionate love
Paints a pretty picture
But lets get down to the nitty gritty
*** is ******* good
Rough and passionate
But the next day can be filled with regret
The next ******* day is plan b
And why don't people *** after *** on the television?
Thats a urinary tract infection waiting to happen
Or yeast infection
What the  televison doesn't t tell you
you can get hpv with a ****** on
Hpv leads to cancer
(but not all strands- you still got hope)
maybe a chance you already have hpv
Because almost every sexually active person will have it at one point in their life
What the television doesnt tell you
after **** some girls will have to take a huge ****
And most girls don't like ****
It hurts every ******* time
What the television doesn't tell you
how to use proper protection
That you can be rubbed raw
Get a hernia during ***
Sometimes its pretty ******* bad ***
Its not pretty
It can be awkward
It can be silly
and you do not need to act ****
What the telly doesn't tell you
Is how it doesn't matter about the age you loose it but when you have the emotional intelligence to go through with it
Even then you do not know that you have opened Pandora's box
You do not know what you think you know
The specialist are still figuring out ****** hygiene
So the next time you watch the television and you see the **** stars or teen lovers
It is not so easy
*** is complicated
But can be good and worth it with the right person
No matter what age or relation

You asked have you ever abandoned me as a mother
How about the time I told you about the abuse my sister but me through and your response was "thats my daughter too amd you are attacking her and I have to protect her"
My emotions mean nothing to you
An exact replication of you
My emotions are not real if they are your emotions
My thoughts do not matter if they are not your thoughts
I am not your favorite so you disregard me
Blame me for everything
Its all my fault
My anger and sadness is not important
I am not important
If I killed myself I would not deem it selfish because my life is not yours and my feelings do not matter to you
But my body does and my namekin to you

When the walls started closing in
and my brain turned to syrup
I slid down into a stupor
My mother makes me strawberry/mango Italian soda
the sluggishness liquefies
my brain becomes active
the bubbles floating my thoughts to the top.
When my vision is narrowed
and the fire is lit within
burning the inside's out
pass me some of that pop
and its the little things that matter

Observant servant to the soul
Not even owning your own body
glitch glitch glitch
all over my face
can't say a word without a fight
stuck in my head, can't get out
Maybe if I keep talking the words
will sometimes maybe came come from my mouth

My thoughts suffocating me
My head aches
Please please no more
I want to step out
looking outside the bagel shop
calmed my mind

When I die
I'm going to sigh with relief
(And if there is no after life
then I already accomplished what I want)

If the higher being asked me what I wanted to do
I would say "too sink into oblivion"

But thats too selfish
So spread my soul out thin
like you are scadering my ashes
Throw my soul out into the ocean
I will comfort all the sunken ships
Or lay me in the dirt
I will be compost for the grass to grow

Just please let me be a part of nature
I want to become a part in something that is bigger and beautiful than humanity

Its the reason I stayed in that relationship
So mean. Abused and and used,
But I thought I saw the light
I thought "I don't know when I will see you again but I have hope."
Cried for all the world to see
It was a lie

Its probably why I believe in one night stands
There is no hope at an end of an organism
Thats probably why;
When you said I was beautiful
I stradled your body
called you a liar in mid moan

I don't believe in anything anymore
I don't believe in the future
I don't believe in him
And I sure as hell don't believe in hope

At least as a good thing
Its trickery and mischievous
Its a preempt smile
And a downward spiral
Its a lie

Drinking away my sorrows
Not mentally healthy
Does anybody want to give me attention
Does anybody want to **** me
A relationship end
It does not change you
You are not loved anymore
I am sorry

I don’t want to read anything about or

or from Maya Angelou

I don’t want.

I don't want to be sad

I know she must have been an amazing person

No, she had to be an amazing person

but I only heard her name once or twice

once or twice

in my life time, in her life time

So I don’t want to be sad that she is gone

That I never knew her

I don’t want to be sad

I don't want to be sad about not reading her material when she was alive.

Not knowing

I just don’t want to feel that way

Not knowing her

Rest in peace, beautiful human being.

I love you
I'm sorry
but you brought me down.

I miss you
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you

I have to move on.



I love you
I'm sorry
but you brought me down

Do you ever blush so hard that you start to cry?

Do you ever blush so hard you forget where you are at?

that you are even walking?

because you feel like you are floating?

Do you forget to stop staring at their face?

It can be a stranger or the person you hold dear

It happens all the time

My boyfriend told me

that

he thinks I am the sexiest

(blushes)

when I just come out of the shower

(blushes)

and my hair is slicked back.

I think its nice because

I think I am the ugliest

when

I just come out of of the shower

(blushes)

and my hair is slicked back

and he doesn't even know

that

(blushes)

Darling dear, your face is what I see
before I fall asleep
Darling dear, your face is what I see
when I wake.
I protest to thee
I am not in love
merely bored and your lips were the last I taste
Believe me darling dear,
I don't want you
just your touch
your hand on my thigh
stating "she is mine! Not yours!"
But I am not yours
I just like the color of your lips
and the way you bite your lower lip
before you grab my neck to kiss me.
Darling dear this is lust.
I hope it is that much
anyways.

I like seeing all the cars at the churches.
It doesn’t matter what religion it is.
I think its nice that people still have faith in something.

I feel like my life is like a romantic comedy,
except without the romantic part
or the comedy.



*Just a bunch of *******.

You fiddled with my shorts

my underwear that was underneath

You told me you would visit

and you never did

I knew this lie was coming

I don’t know why but it troubles me

that there were forty before

and there will be forty more after

I have been having these weird sensations
where I want to reach out and touch what I am seeing.
I see the snow-capped mountains in the background of the lushes green pines.
The path is dark soiled, moist with morning dew
I want to reach out and feel it all at once
I want to feel it brush through my finger tips and down into my palm
I even dream about it
Cities and landscapes; I want to touch it all.

I am mostly sad in my dreams
My wrist cramps up
My arms ache for the feeling
but I can't touch a whole city
and I can't touch a whole forest.