To be honest :
I'm lying through my teeth
I'm choking on my spit
I'm drowning in my words
And I'm about to slip
"Like an avalanche coming down the mountain"

I still have that Blackhawks hoodie you gave me back in February.
Sometimes I still wear it.
Sometimes I sleep in it because it smells like you.

It's a liberating experience. Leaving the house for the first time in eight years without something constricting my ******* that are supposed to be shamed by society if I left them to go free range. My body is not something I will let be shamed by society. I am a grown woman and I will not be constricted, I will not be hooked in
My ******* and my body are not something that I should be ashamed of. This summer I will be free. This summer they will be free.
Summer is not only for the men with flat chests and leg hair. Summer is for the women with curves and fat and stretch marks from bearing life. Summer is for fat girls in bikins and sunbathing **** within the proper setting with no shame.
Because our bodies....no matter what size, shape or color are something to be worshiped and loved. Not constricted.
So this summer I will be free, and this summer I will finally show the hidden and best parts of me.

I don’t want to be a prisoner of my past.
I am building my life on the foundation of rock bottom.  
My house has windows that look out over the meadows of the future where my children will play.
My house has a front porch painted yellow, where my husband and I will sit and rock in our chairs singing the songs of happier days yet to come.
I am building my house on this solid rock, reaching up to the heavens for guidance.
I will not be a prisoner of things I cannot change.
I am a survivor, I am strong, and I am building my house.

I have a lot of words for you,
but most are going to be left unspoken.
The only think I can say now,
is I'm strong,
but as a beautiful song once said,
"Even the best fall down sometimes."
I'm sorry.

Am I still human?
Because it feels like I'm a monster.
I'm looked at like I'm a monster,
So then I start to believe them.
I feel like this makes me less of a human,
Like my humanity instantly vanished.
So answer me this,
Am I a human?
Or...
Am I a monster?
I fear it.
For it is the thing that everyone hates.
No one wants to be made to feel like that,
Everyone just wants to fit in...
So why can't I?
Flaws and all?
Does that 1 fact make me that different?
Does it matter so much that I cant fit in anymore?
Why does it make me a monster?
Why?
I am still human am I not?
Or did my humanity fly out the window with 2 simple words?
"I'm gay."

I never meant to break your heart, I was just trying to preserve myself.

I don’t fight to stay alive. I fight to function.
I fight for those who need me, for those who would blame themselves.
I fight for those good days.
The ones where my body is my friend.
The memories I can make on those days are the ones that keep me going.

I am human.
You cannot control me.
This cannot control me.
I am more than just a label.
Labels do not run my life.
When you think of me,
Why must you be so shallow?
Am I not human?
The only thing that comes to mind…
Gay.
I am gay,
But that is not all I am.
When you describe a straight person,
What do you use?
Beautiful?
Smart?
Funny?
You never describe them with straight,
Then why do you describe me with gay?
Am I not beautiful?
Am I not smart?
Am I not funny?
Can I not be those things too?
Or am I just gay?
Is that all I am to you?
Gay?
A label?
A three lettered word?
Because I’m not.
I am a girl.
And,
I am human,
Just like you.

It has been so long.
So freaking long,
And its driving me insane.
There's a craving.
A need.
I need it.
I need the blood,
I need the blades.
I feel that I need it back,
But I can't go back.
I have to go on,
I have to stay strong.

I cant bare it.
I cant take it anymore.
I cant stay away from you.

You are beautiful.
You are lovely.
You drag me in,
And make me fall,
Over,
And over,
And over again,
For you.
I cant stay away from you.

I love you.
I always have,
I always will.
I cant stay away from you...
But who said I wanted to?

I have so many secrets,
Secrets I want to tell you,
But I don't know how.
I want to,
But I cant.
I feel that I cant trust you,
Trust you with the information that I hold so dear to me.
I'm afraid.
I dont want to tell you and then you leave.
Think I'm weird,
And just go.
And then all the progress I would have made,
The progress within my secrets,
It will have vanished.
So now I sit,
Alone,
Silent.
Holding all my secrets on the inside.

Slowly I changed,
Bit by bit,
I became what I really wanted to be.
Now that I'm what I want,
I need to be open with it,
And have crucial pride in myself.

I'm in love with you
And its hell.
You've set me free
And yet the chains we locked so long ago,
Are dragging me over the coals.

You see
A person only truly falls in love
Once in their life time
And once that time is used up
There is no more.
You can lie to yourself
And to others
But if you were truly in love with them
That love cannot be undone.
I am in love.
A love that won't go away
With my best friend.
I fell off
The bridge of love
And into the waters
Where he followed
But his love came with strings attached
A bungee
And he jumped back up
And left me sitting there in the waters
While he's up on the bridge
Calling me up there
While I'm wishing him down here
And I have no bungee.

"If I were a boy,
Even just for a day."
What if I was?
Would I finally feel comfortable?
I like guys clothes.
I like guy music.
I like girls (and guys).
I sit,
And stand like a guy.
I don't like make up,
And as a kid,
I was the girl playing with action figures.
I know I'm a girl,
And I dont want to be a guy,
Im fine with who I am,
But I just wonder...
What would it be like,
For all those things to be normal?
"If I were a boy,
Even just for a day."
But I'm not.
I'm a girl,
And not just for a day,
For a lifetime,
And I'm happy with that...
But still,
I wonder.
"If I were a boy."

You never see me
And when you do
You ignore me
And then you whine and complain
Ask why I want to leave.
Maybe I don't favor being ignored.

I have a secret,
That only a few know,
They think its just marks,
But its my pain that shows.
I have a secret,
That I like to hide.
People will judge,
And I can't handle that...
I have a secret,
But its becoming more obvious.
I dont even care anymore.
People see the marks...
I'm lost.
I'm just a lost little girl.
Too much for me to handle,
Too much stress,
So much pain.
So much pain that I just become numb.

"I kissed a girl and I liked it"
I was a little girl,
Of about 11 singing that.
I loved Katy Perry.
At that age,
I had no shame,
And I knew of no hate.
No hate in being gay.
Little did I know,
That would be me.
"I kissed a girl and I liked it."

I'm sorry that it made you cry,
I didn't mean to hurt you.
Maybe its best to say goodbye,
Before I REALLY hurt you.

I love...
The way she smiles at the ground,
Whenever shes embarrassed.
The way that she makes funny faces,
When I take pictures.
The way she laughs at my stupid jokes.
How she says "I love you.",
And means it.
How she trusts me with the most important things in her life.
How she let me kiss away her tears.
How she turned to me,
When she needed someone to be there for her.
How she lets me kiss her cuts,
To make them better.
The way she holds my hand,
And leads me down the hall,
And marches on gaily,
Ignoring the comments people make.
The way she snuggles into me when we dance.
The way shes not afraid to be honest to herself,
And be who,
And what she wants to be,
Not what society wants her to be.
The way she loves me.
Her.

I love you.
I really love you.
You're one of my bestfriends.
I've known you for 5 years now.
You've always been beautiful,
Funny,
Smart,
And charming.
But something about you,
The way you are,
It drives me insane.
You're 10 times more amazing now.
I love you,
And I know you love me.
When our lips first touched...
It was...
Wow.
I love you.

I guess I won that stupid fight of "I love you more."

"I'm done."
Typically when I say this,
People start to freak.
They think that I am done with life,
That I am done with living...
But I'm not.
I'm going in the opposite direction.
I'm done.
The blades,
The ones I held so dear...
I've said goodbye to.
I'm done.
No more.

I messed up.
Big time.
I really did,
But whats done is done.
I can't go back an change it,
And even if I could,
I wouldn't.
I'm sorry,
But I'm not sorry for what I did,
Because it felt so right.
I don't regret what I did,
My only regret is that you had to be with me through all this.
I'm only sorry that I hurt you.

Last night,
I talked to her,
And I realized how much I truly missed her.
I thought I was over her,
That she was a thing of the past,
But no.
Shes a thing of the present,
And hopefully the future.
I miss her,
And I'm determined to make her mine again.
Because...
Shhhh!
Don't tell nobody,
But I think I love her.

The things you say,
And do,
May impact a person beyond your belief.
Just whispers behind their back,
A giggle at their fall,
Or a small mocking comment,
May be enough,
To push them over the edge.

To anyone out there who hates their freckles,
The way your body looks,
Your voice,
Or your life in general.
Stop.
Your imperfections are perfect.
They are beautiful and they make you, you.
Be proud of them,
And wear them with a smile,
No matter how a-dork-able your smile may be.

You're not gay,
You're not bi,
You're a ******* *****.
You think it will make you popular to kiss a girl,
And date one?
No.
It ***** with real gay relationships.
Quit your ****.
You're the same person who last year was like "eww" when you saw 2 lesbians in the hall.
Quit your ****!
Its ******* me off.

I'm sorry that I'm not perfect.
I'm sorry I'm not what you wanted me to be,
Not what you expected.
I'm sorry that you had to get stuck with me.
I'm sorry.

why is it two years later i still find myself crying over your death

In response to: Please Don't Put Down Your Pen

You may live by drinking the words,
But I thrive on writing the words.
Perhaps "Please Don't Put Down Your Pen" was written in response to my works, but more than likely, it wasn't.
I live off of the written word.
It is my bread and my wine, my world away from the world.
But I have put down my pen.
Returned it to its rightful place,
The navy blue, leather coated, velvet sleeping place of my works.

I have put down my pen.
My pen has been put down.
Euthanized it.
Comatose in its leather casket.

Where has my inspiration fled to?
It took most my problems and ran away,
Held them captive,
Left anxiety by side.
No inspiration for my poetry,
Poetry being my outlet,
Thoughts swirling around,
Cant figure a way out,
Overwhelming,
Panic.

I remember
the way she held my hand like no one was watching
because to her
no one was.

I remember
the slight panic that would always go through my head
when she'd hold my hand
because I wouldn't let anyone know
I liked girls.

I remember
our first kiss.
How she started at my cheek
and then moved to my lips
but only for a moment
to move back to my cheek
and down to my neck.

I remember
the first time I ever felt that electricity
flow through my body
so fluidly
I though my cells had liquified.

I remember
the day that she wore sleeves so low
you could only see her finger tips.
Her legs were never shown.

I remember
that day, because that was the day
she broke my heart
for the first time
involuntarily.

I remember
my hand lifting up her sleeve
even though my mind was screaming at me
"DON'T!
You don't want to see this."
But I did anyways.

I remember
how she was wearing two shirts
the first soaked with blood
the second only spotted.

I remember
my heart tearing into two
individual pieces
because I wasn't there for her at the time
she needed me most.

I remember
reading.

I remember
reading the words of her soul
that were etched onto her skin.
A "FML" in bright red letters
on the top of her hand
and a tally mark on her arm
for every time she thought
she wasn't good enough
and I wasn't there to reassure her
of just how amazing
she really was.

I remember
Christmas.
Her surgeries
and multiple trips to the hospital.

I remember
my panic attacks
for fear of losing her forever.
That was the second time
she broke my heart
involuntarily.

I remember
our first break up.

I remember
how it hurt her more
than it could ever possibly hurt me.
And it hurt a whole **** lot
when I heard the words
"I'm sorry"
"I cant"
"I love you"
and "Its only to protect you".

I remember
screaming.
Screaming at her
my friends
the walls
and to God.
To everyone and no one
because I didnt know how to express
my heartbreak.
That was the third time
she broke my heart
involuntarily.

I remember
loving her.
Without a soul knowing
because I was ashamed
to tell people
"I love this girl!"

I remember
the day I got the news
that I may possibly never see her again.
That she had been taken away
to a home
and that she cant have contact with anyone.

And now I remember
the feelings
of wanting to scream from the rooftops
"I loved that girl!"

I remember
because those feelings happened
a mere 10 seconds ago.
This is the fourth time
shes broke my heart
involuntarily.

But within all these painful memories
I remember
her.

I love you with my thoughts and the deepest interwoven workings of my mind.
In my love for you, my heart is irrelevant.

Is it me?
Because it seems to be.
Everyone around me is so sad.
I dont know what to do.
I try to help,
But they just push me away.
I'm trying,
But I cant.
Meanwhile...
I'm sitting here heart broken,
And they're fading away.

I've fell before,
Into her arms,
And she caught me,
But then quickly dropped me,
Like the nothing that I am.
I'm about to fall again.
The rope's about to break.
Is it safe to fall,
Into her loving arms,
For one last time,
Is it safe to fall again?

Darling put down that knife,
Take the razor from your mind,
And quit dreaming of a noose.
You're better than that.
I love you,
And you should love yourself,
Just as much,
If not more than I do.
Honey flush those pills,
And never pick them up again.
Throw out the scales,
You dont need them.
Along with that nagging voice in the back of your head,
The one that's driving you closer and closer to the cliff,
The one that keeps telling you you're less than,
Or not good enough.
Because you are.
You are good enough.
You are beautiful,
And I wish you could see that.
But whenever you feel like all is lost,
And your heart beat goes a mile a minute,
Then you feel those walls closing in on you,
Just take a breath.
Look up at the stars,
And clear your mind.
Think of me,
Think of the things that I am saying to you right now.
Because I love you,
And its all worth it.
I know you dont really believe me,
And you dont have to,
I just want you to listen to what I'm saying.
I know how bad it is,
To hate yourself so much that you just cant.
But there comes a day,
When someone shows you the light,
And you cross the bridge to the other side,
And the other side is beautiful.
Its full of hope and love.
No judgement,
No caring.
A person took me to the other side,
Into the light,
And it was one of the most terrifying things ever.
But now that I'm here,
Its worth it.
And now I've come,
To show you the light,
Even in some of the darkest times.
And lead you across that bridge,
To happiness.
It gets better,
It really does.
I love you.

She kissed me,
And I kissed back.
And then we fell,
Fell into the deep abyss,
That I call love.

Cause it’s all just paper in the end,
Were all just stuck here playing pretend.
Some of us acting like we god,
While other have never even heard of a ****** iPod.
We pray to that god at the end of the day,
And then curse his name if things don’t go our way.
We’re corrupted and ****** up, dishin’ out blame,
Wishing for superman, left with some ******* named...
Who gives a **** with his name if they’re all just fuckboys ,
Woman pick yourself up you’re repressed by the man, part of his ploy!
And were all stuck here playing pretend,
Might as well make you name a story for the end.

Jealousy can be a *****,
The biggest ***** of them all,
But this feeling proves one thing that I've been scared to admit...
I love her.

Before the exams....
Idreline and stress!!

My life is a joke.
I'm the person on stage,
Making a fool of myself,
And people are laughing,
And enjoying it.
The only problem is,
I'm not doing it on purpose.
I'm just that much of a fool,
A clutz,
That my life is a joke,
Meant for others entertainment.

If I haven't posted in a while don't think of me as gone. I remain here waiting for my inspiration to hit me in the form of a freight train. And if my inspiration never comes; dear Juliet, I still love you.

What happened to the times,
When a ratchet was just a tool,
And a tool being something to use?
What happened to a twitter and a tweet having something to do with birds?
Facebook was the term some punk yelled when he'd smash a nerds books right into his face...
And tumblr was a person who did gymnastics.
People would never go around saying kik me,
Instead a sign said it loud and clear,
Taped to their back.
YouTube...what the Hell was a YouTube?
You had some kind of tube put in...
What?
Why is a ***** a mean and angry girl,
Instead of a female dog?
Why is that little gay boy called a ***?
Does he look like a cigarette,
Or a bundle of sticks?
What happened to calling some dude a ****,
Because that was his name, ****.
What happened to cuts being accidental,
Something that happened when we fell,
Or messed with a sharp edge?
Why is a ***** someone who is scared,
Rather than being a cat?
What the hell happened to life?

You don't understand,
And you never will.
It is beyond you capability.
You don't understand.
How cant you though?
Its love,
Is it not?
Just the same...
Just like you,
But you hate,
And you bash.
Why?
Two people,
In love...
Do they not have the right to love one another?
Marry each other?
Its just the same?
No?
Why is it different?
Why must you hate?
We're both human...
Are we not?
Don't all humans deserve love?
Why deny love,
Its such a beautiful thing...
We are equals,
Equals in love,
And in life,
Now treat us like it.
I know you don't understand,
But try.

Just a kiss
To say goodbye
But instead I said hello
To painful memories
That I had already said goodbye to
Long long ago

I'm strong,
And I've been strong.
I'm strong for you.
I'm trying to show you...
Show you possibilities.
That things can get better.
But you wont watch.
You wont listen.
You're holding on...
But you're not strong.
You're weak,
And I see you slipping.
I reach out my hand to try to help you up...
But you wont reach up for it.
You can't just hold on forever.
You need help,
And you need support,
But you have to let me.
You have to grab my hand,
So I can give you help.
You have to stay with me.
You have to keep holding on,
Not only that,
But you have to stay strong.