I wish I could erase the memories of you,
Or hide them away,
Or just forget about them...
But I cant.
Because they're written here on my arm,
And they're not going anywhere.

We sit there,
And talk,
For hours on end.
And the entire time we're together,
I just want to kiss you.

You are still the pain in my chest.
You are the person I long for on cold winter nights and I dream of you arms around my waist.
I still ache for your lips on mine and those three simple words.
I wish I had the strength to hate you, but it's taking everything I have not to love you with every breath.
You are the knots in my stomach and tear on my cheek.
You are still the pain in my chest.
You are every part of me that I loathe.

"Why are you wearing a sweater?
Its the middle of July,
Aren't you hot in that?
Take that off.
And why are you wearing jeans?
You're gonna die of heat stroke.
Go put on some shorts."

Why am I wearing so much clothing?
Because I'm afraid.
I don't want to show my scars,
But more than I don't want to show my scars,
I don't want to show my cuts.
The new ones,
The ones that haven't an excuse.

Yes I'm hot.
I feel like I'm in hell.
I feel like I'm melting,
But at least the outside matches now,
Matches what I feel on the inside.

Take it off?
Take it off?!
Hell no.
There aint no way you're getting this off of me.
I'm hiding,
And I want to stay hidden.

I'm gonna die of heatstroke?
You mean it?
You really mean it?
If only...
Hang on,
Let me get another sweater then.

I'm not putting on shorts,
I'm not taking off this sweater.
You're not going to see me,
Not like this.

I want to leave this place.
Get out and see the world.
I have a burning haste,
To get out and see the world.

Im stuck in this small town,
And I want to leave.
It suffocating, and pushing me down,
I want to leave.

There are places to go,
I need to go now.
There are plenty of shows,
And I need to go now.

But Im stuck in this small town,
And for now,
Im not going anywhere.

Just let me go
To the place
Where one day I will call my home
Let me go
To a place
Where I will no longer feel alone
Let me go
To the place
Where nothing but love is shown
Just let me go
To that place
And my body be nothing but bone.
Just let me go.

Lets take this rope,
lets slip it around my neck.
Lets take the leap of a life time,
and jump off the chair to the floor,
only 3 feet away.
Lets take a moment,
say thank you,
and say a prayer,
say goodbye,
with one last breath.
Lets jump,
and lets dangle.
Let the light fade away,
and let the dark take control.

Hey darling,
I wrote you a letter,
It bled out,
With the blood from my heart,
And had its own special signature.
I tucked it away,
Its under my bed,
Waiting for the day,
That I bring up the courage,
To kiss you one last time,
Hand you the letter,
And walk away,
As my final goodbye.

We were meant to be friends.
Little did I know,
When I saw that little weird,
And awkward,
And antisocial kid,
Sitting on the bus back in 7th grade,
Listening to his music,
That he would turn about to be my brother.
A guy that I love to death,
And owe my life to.

"Where did we go wrong?"
They say.
"How did such conservative parents,
Raise such a liberal daughter?"
Its called,
Drum roll please,
Shes gay.
And she wants human rights for her people.
She wants equality,
And change.

This is not the life that I expected,
Its not the outcome that I had planned,
Or wanted.
But its here,
And it happening.
I'm going to make it work,
And greet it with a smile,
And let nothing hold me back.

That girls more like a drug
Not the good kind that cures disease
But the kind that is a disease
That causes the disease
That girl is addictive
And I'm attached
Send me to rehab
Cause I can't stay away
From her nor the blade.

I say I've moved on
And yet I find myself still liking
Every new status
Every new picture.
How pathetic.

Dear little fly,
Buzzing by,
Please shut up,
Or you shall surely die.

She's a pretty little girl.
Not a good little girl.

I've apparently saved their lives.
About 5 people have told me that,
But how?
I'm broken,
So how can I save them,
When I need saving myself?
They've saved me,
Not the other way around.

Few are afraid to go to sleep,
But many are afraid to die.

I'm losing my mind,
I've gone mad.
Assuming I was ever sain to start with.

The loss of a friend,
Physical heartbreak.
Hes gone.
Never to return.
Goodbye Max.
You will be missed.

I was lost.
Not physically,
But mentally.
I was wondering around,
Trying to figure out who I was.
But now I know.
I’m not lost anymore.
I was trying to be someone I wasn’t.
I was trying to change for other people.
I know who I am now.
I’m me.
I’m weird.
But my weirdness is what makes me unique.
***** being normal.
***** all the people who mess with you.
Be you,
And be who you are.
That’s a right that everyone deserves.
Be who you want to be.
Be happy.
Don’t hate yourself.
You’re the only you that you have.
This, I learned the hard way.
Be yourself,
Even if it goes against what everyone else says.
Stay fabulous,
My darling.

The moment comes when you lose all hope
You stop wishing for that time machine
You stop praying every night for some kind of miracle
But you never stop dreaming
Of how it felt
To have her in your arms
But the moment has come to where I've lost all hope.

If only you knew,
If only you could understand,
The one thing that means so much to me.
Love.
I love you.
Its not traditional,
But its true.
Its love.
Love is love,
And details aren't important.
I love you.
I hope,
This is my one hope,
That you love me too.

When I talk to her,
Or when Im thinking of her,
I cant focus on anything.
I feel buzzed,
Love drunk.

Love is love,
And details don't matter.
Love is caring,
And kind,
And affectionate.
It doesn't matter what the circumstances.

A man and a woman,
Two men,
Two women,
A black person and a white person,
A Mexican and Italian.
A Christian and a Jew.
An Atheist and Buddhist.
One who's 17 and one who's 22.

All of these are love.
I don't care what you say,
Or what your textbook definition of love is.
Nothing you say can change my mind.
Love is beautiful.
Now shut your mouth,
And stop the hate.

And the conductor said:
Imagine as you sing these words
"Oh my luve's like a red red rose"
That your love is here and youre singing it to them
And just like that there she was
Standing on stage
As if she was actually there
I could feel her.
I wanted to feel her.
So caught up in the beauty of my girl
Who was momentarily intangible
I forgot to sing.

I said I wasn't mad,
Because I wasn't.
I was sad,
And upset,
And disappointed.
But mad?
I could never be mad at you.

The way you make me feel,
Its magical.
It's like a spell.
It's like I'm in a trance.
It makes me feel completed,
And in a bliss happiness.

I see these marks on my legs,
And they're ugly.
It makes me want to get rid of them,
Destroy them.
But then I think,
"You idiot,
If you do that,
More marks will only appear"
Well,
****.

Dear Max,
I know I should have wrote this letter to you a long time ago, right after the accident. I'm sorry that I couldnt. I tried once and after I wrote dear Max I broke down and went into a panic attack. I miss you so much and I haven't went a day without thinking about you. Everytime I do think about you sorrow and regret flood my mind. You used to be my bestfriend. Everyday I would come home with the "magical adventures of Max and Mo" or at least that's what my mom called them. You were an amazing person and you always made my day better. I remember you telling me stories of how you were gonna go to the NFL and be the greatest football player there ever was. Now you'll never get the chance...I hope you're up there playing football with Jesus. I also remember on the last day of 8th grade you nearly tackled Tyler because you wanted to get to me before he did so you could sign my binder. I remember being over at Faiths and we would talk about you for hours. She had the biggest crush on you. Every single word we had to say about you was positive as could be. I never told you or Faith that u had just as big of a crush on you. I remember the day you asked Faith to the 8th grade prom. She was so excited that she could have jumped out of her own skin. I secretly was jealous but I never let a drop of that jealousy show to either of you. Then her mom and grandma found out you wanted to take her to prom. They said no. That they weren't gonna let their white daughter go to prom with some black kid, that it would make her look like a ****. I was secretly thrilled that yall weren't going together but I knew it broke her heart. After 8th grade I left school and you were one of the many people I casted out of my life as if they were deamons. When I came back to school in 10th grade you were one of the ones I longed to reconnect with, but I didnt. You had your group and I had mine and they mix as well as oil and water do. I remember one day in the hall you smiled at me and said hey. I looked down and and ignored you because I figured I had to stay to my group. Why did I have to be such a *****? You did that a few times and I never acknowledged your existence...funny now that your existence is gone I'm acknowledging it more than ever. I wanted to say hey. I wanted to reconnect with you but I didn't. I never took up the motivation to apologize for being a ***** and say hey to the boy I used to call my bestfriend. I saw the news of your death on facebook along with another boys named Brad. I prayed it was some sort of sick joke. It's been a little over 2 months since that day and I just now brought up the strength within me to write this letter. I heard of what you did for my new bestfriend mikhala that one day at a football game. Thank you for saving her then because if not for that girl I wouldn't have lived to see your death. I love you max and I miss you more than you could ever believe. Thank you max. I'm sorry. I'll see you up in Heaven one day.

Maybe we're not meant to be.
Maybe our last departure should have been all.
Maybe fate ******* up.
Maybe that day in the restaurant I never go to was fate.
Maybe fate didn't ***** up.
Maybe we are meant to be.
Maybe I'm delusional.

I read our old messages,
And it sends my emotions spiraling down,
Into the depths of hell.
I miss you,
But you're a *****,
And a *****.
I swear,
Gay relationship are 20 times more complicated than straight ones,
Just saying.

And I sit here wondering what all happened here before
Because you see
Mirrors tell a story
To the select few
Who tune into their energy enough to listen.
the mirrors tell two different stories one of the present
and just reflects everything being told.
And one of the past
that tells everything ever shown.
A mirror records all energy
ever witnessed
And a mirror doesn't lie.

When you look in the mirror,
What do you see?
You see you,
Correct?
Well I dont.
I see me,
But its uncomfortable.
And then my mom holds up a dress,
And tells me how pretty I would be in it...
When all I crave is blue jeans and a button up.
I dont want to wear a dress,
Or heels,
Or have my hair in perfect order.
I want my hair short,
To where I dont have to mess with it.
I dont want to be "pretty".
It makes me feel weird,
It doesn't feel like me.
I dont want to be a guy,
But I wonder what its like.
I would never use "feminine" as a word to describe me,
But I'm not a man,
And I'm not a "****".
I dont like the me that I see in the mirror.

I feel like I'm drowning,
Or smothering,
Or suffocating...
I cant breathe anymore.
Its a lot of work.
Inhale,
Exhale.
Somedays thats all I can think when I sit in class.
I'm miserable,
And I'm not sure as to why.

I want you in my arms,
I want a kiss,
This New Years Eve,
Under the mistletoe,
With you.

Moo that's you.

Crescent and forever looking down on us as if it were God and we are its children.
Shining a light and providing a path for those who are blinded by the darkness down below.

Did anyone ever stop to think that maybe mother earth has anxiety?
We say that nature can be cruel and work in mysterious ways, but she is mute. A language is always mysterious to a foreign tongue.
Perhaps my dear mother earth has anxiety.
The earthquakes are outbursts like an autistic child’s, she is begging to be heard.
She screams with thunder and any words she can muster up are nothing but whispers in the wind.
Tsunamis are angry fists slamming down on the dining room table, but no one cares to listen.
She grasps towards the heavens in attempts for everything to stop spinning, so that maybe the chaos within her will depart in one single blow.
No one cared to listen to the mute child in the corner or the room, who has always been in the corner of the room, who has been ignored and forgotten, only acknowledged when something is needed from her.

We were the voices in her head.
Each individual person chipping away at her sanity, and leaving tire tracks in her down trodden forests.
Maybe mother earth had anxiety,
maybe mother earth is dead.

Must I be labeled?
Put into a classification,
Of what I am,
And what I believe?
Can I not just be human,
Or just be a girl?
Can I not believe in gay rights,
But at the same time be pro-life?
Can I not be a Christian,
And love girls?
Can I not want to see a change in this country,
Without being a liberal?
Why must you stamp a label on me,
Put me into a classification,
With a set of guidelines for me to follow,
Can I not just be me,
And do what I believe?

You can go now,
You dont have to stay.
I'm a ******* for a friend,
Why would you anyways?

You can leave,
And never look back.
Go ahead and go,
I would too, and that's a fact.

I wouldn't blame you.
This is my apology,
Just go, you're better off with me gone,
Cant you see?

I am a loser,
And I am a leech.
I **** the life out of you,
I'm worse for you than drinking bleach.

So this is my apologies,
For the time you spent on me.
I'd give it back to you if I could,
But life is such a B.

It doesn't work like that,
But if only it did,
I would give it back to you,
From the moment I laid eyes on you as a kid.

If you dont leave I swear,
I will push you away.
So go, lets do this harmlessly,
Let this go my way.

I promise you I still love you,
With every fiber of my being.
I love you so much I'm setting you free,
Do me a favor by leaving.

You'll be better off without me,
I swear that its true.
I'm a blood ******* leech,
Who doesn't deserve you.

I'm sorry I'm not the girl you want.
The one who isn't afraid to kiss you with everyone watching,
The one who doesn't hear a small panicked voice in the back of her head every time we hold hands.
I'm sorry I cant be as comfortable with myself as you are with you.
But I do promise you this,
I love you and I want to be with you.
I will always be there,
No matter what happens.
I promise you that I'll be the perfect girl to love,
One who sits there with an open heart,
And a listening ear.
Honey I love you too much for this.
I'm scared.
Text me back.
Let me hear your words again.
Throw away the razors and put down the knife,
When you make a mark on your skin,
It makes a mark on my heart,
Because its my fault.
I couldn't be there for you,
And I couldn't fix it.
But baby,
Please dont go.

We sat there,
Together,
And alone.
In perfect trust.
We took down our walls,
And things fell apart.
I wanted to cry,
I tried fight back the tears.
After all was done,
I wiped the tears from my face,
Held his hand,
And whispered,
"Thanks for being my bestfriend."

It's times like this when I curse my body for being broken.
Why if my body is made to carry a child can I not reproduce?
When I have a child laying in my arms, looking up at me with those big blue eyes its breaks my heart.
My body will never be able to make a masterpiece such as this.

My dearest Katlyn,
I love the way that sounds. I love the way your name just flows off my tongue like it’s the most natural thing in the world. To me, we are the most natural thing in the world. I believe it was fate that brought us together all those years ago, when we were nothing more than innocent children. Now our innocence has been stripped from our bones and our bodies have developed along with lines of laughter and worry across our faces. Yet you are the one, who after all this time, I still cling to. Back then, you were my rock and my safety net in a new and confusing environment, not much has changed.
Our history is a rocky one, to say the least. It’s full of drama and heartbreak; but as well as love and passion. I swear we could add a little embellishments and have our own soap opera. Despite all the troubles from our past, I hold those memories dear. Because when I recall those times, I don’t just recall arguments and words thrown, I recall the way you stumble over words when you’re flustered and how red your face gets when your choking words down. As for our better times, I worship those memories as if they are held upon a mental shrine; protected, never to be tampered with or tainted. There are things I have come to regret. I regret not swallowing my fear and being proud to tell everyone, “This is the girl I love!”, but during those times, I wasn’t ready. Although, our hidden love did make sneaking around so much more exciting. Sometimes I wish we could go back in time about three years and just show ourselves then that it was okay and it turns out for the best.
Things are more than okay. You are the love of my life and the one to spend forever with, however long forever may be.

All around me.
They surround me.
My demons,
They're everywhere.
Some are inside my head,
But others are not.
Some are people.
People who cause me harm,
Or heart ache,
They are demons too.
But they're the ones I cant push aside.
Or make go away.
Because I love them?
Those demons in my head,
They're sometimes my friends,
And my friends...
They're sometimes my demons.

Dream?
Floating through the air,
Looking at the sun.
It feels like a dream,
But it's not.
I'm on a cloud.
Cool air rushing past my face.
Maybe it's a dream.
It feels like a dream.
A dream I want to never end.

My love for you is,
Brighter than the sun,
Deeper than the sea,
Broader than the oceans,
Bigger than the universe,
And stronger than your love for her.