Before killing him,
your last moments flashed.

Those despairing eyes,
that begging grasp you died with,
and it hit me.
At that moment,
I finally understood.

It never brooded
you don't want me
to avenge your unjustified death.
I didn't know
you'll realize before anyone
I'll slowly embrace a hideous monster
and torture those who tortured you.

Eventually,
I pulled the trigger and fired.
I can't go back.
I've came a very long way
and can't go back now.

I avenged your death
and avenged my pain
                           and lost myself forever.

This OCD means
I scrape at my scalp with this dusty razor
until only raw skin is left.

This depression means
I call on my mother
to re-open old wounds
and spill blood for me.

This anxiety means
I read her old love poems,
scared of whomever received them.

This dysphoria means
I have frequent nightmares
and wake up clutching my head,
making sure
that my hair is still short

and I dream, sometimes
of using a saw
to hack off my *******-

This dopamine means
I feel all of you
and see all of me
like nobody else.

"you're a boy? but you look like a girl."
graces my ears too often for it to be innocent anymore.
some days i wish the word woman didn't make me cringe
i wish i didn't have to tell teacher after teacher,
"i know what it says in attendance, but my name is atlas and my pronouns are he/him i'm depending on you not to ***** up, i need this to feel normal, please don't make me feel invalid like all my efforts to erase the young lady i was expected to be at birth will never amount to anything more than a teenager's attempt to be 'different'"
i think sometimes i hate my mind more than my body, because it's the one that does the screaming.

one day I said to you, "I'm an introvert"
because you didn't understand why I was acting the way I was
and you said, "no you're not"
but I think I would know
and how could you have any idea
you aren't inside of my brain

it's why I was reluctant to take you to concerts
even though I wanted to go too
I couldn't bring myself to it
all the anxiety
all the noise
we could have our own private concert in the comfort of the living room
but that's not what you wanted

it's why on the way home at night in the dark I wanted to enjoy every moment of silence I had with you
every last word in every last song
traveling down the dark road looking up at the stars

you couldn't understand though
all I could think about was you saying, "no you're not"
and then I had to calm you down when you got mad at me for not talking to you
because apparently I "didn't care"
when in all reality sitting in silence in the dark car
with the lyrics
and the stars
and your breath shifting between your lips
meant more to me than a casual conversation ever would

Tracing constellations,
Across a dark abyss
A simple line, 'cross space and time
Making sense of rifts

A twinkle in our pupils:
Ancient light well traveled
But while we gaze through earthly haze
The universe unravels

You cry out with your internal pain. Tears leak down your pale dark face, as you stare up at the stars winking down at you. Life is becoming too much, and Time is shortening. You turn hearing a silent call to you. He's there staring at you with empty eyes, opening his cloaked arms as you stand up. With a small, sad smile you look into his face, as you enter Death's warm embrace.