i've never felt like this before
this calm
this peace
surrounded by the greatest friends
i know now they care for me
laughter echoes your living room
your cat, gaining speed
stood together in a line
perfecting that dance routine
eating and drinking
making brand new memories
walking home in the rain
not wanting to ever leave

i'm just so angry, frustrated, mad
its so constant, it builds up, fast
i hate it, you know it, i do
need someone who cares, it used to be you
what happened dad? where did it all go?
did you forget how to love? to show
the emotions i know you had.

i hate how easily i can be forgotten
left as an afterthought
although i don't know how long for
just know i'm still around
you shower her with gifts and treats
while i'm treated like ****
you ridicule me, beat me and enjoy each part of it
leaving everything sore you smile
you see a bruise and laugh
a cut couldn't make you happier
a burn would be twice that
is there no way forward?
i don't want to be scared all my life
never daring to come alive
because right now i'm the walking dead
there's nothing left in me anymore
you've broken me down so much
it's as far as i can go
i wake up every morning
for what? i don't know
i only have but one request dad,
it's for you to let me go

love is a big word
hard to understand
easy to misconstrue
i know that i love pizza
i know that i love my friends
but the love there isn't the same
i know that to be able to love anyone else
i need to first love myself
and i know that i don't
i don't love myself

"it's so selfish of you to want more when others have so much less"
i'm sorry that i want a family who cares
i apologise for needing them to get on
it seems stupid of me to want them to accept my sexuality
crazy to even think i deserve someone
who believes my mental health is a real problem
i can't believe that i would ever ask not to be forced into a religion
a mindset i don't agree with
"still, it could be worse
you could be living in a war zone
starving to death
with no family at all"
what you don't know is that i'm constantly at war with myself
that my bulimia can't be controlled
that the family i have wish that i would disappear and rid them of their problems
don't pretend to understand
i already have too many people that fit into that category

all feeling in my body gone
numb
the tears follow
my hand instinctively reaches for the blade
i pull down my sleeve
reminders of yesterday remain
no vacancies
i try again
i lift myself out of my clothes
my battered body reflected in the mirror
joy
my thighs still hold the colour of my skin
and not the rapidly familiar crimson dye
the blade makes its way down
the cold metal devours its target
1, 2, 3
66, 67, 68
83, 84, 85
and on it goes
all done

each day i ask myself
is there ever going to be more?
more than this life that i'm forcing myself to live
i need to know that this all ends well
that my fairy tale ending will happen
that i matter to someone
that i will find my one true love
and we will live happily ever after
that maybe my parents will finally accept me for me
maybe there will come a time when
i stop hiding from myself
when i stop being so afraid of rejection
but then i think what if?
what if there isn't anything more?
what if nothing ever changes?
what if i can't stop hating the person i am?
and i hate thinking like this but i can't stop it
why can't i stop it?
why won't it just stop?
please. make it stop!