am I a terrible person
if I knew from the first night you kissed me
my messes would be too much for you
and I let you kiss me anyways
I don't know why I get so caught up in the loss of temporary people
you knew the way I looked at midnight
eyes half open
sleepy words that only make half sense
but never why the man I call my father is a stranger
or the reason I get sad in-between the silence
I knew you wouldn't understand
if I told you I'm afraid I'll become the sum of my mistakes
so I stayed silent, simple
and I let you kiss me anyways

and honey i hope my name has left a scar on your tongue,
my skin a rash on your fingers,
my voice an unforgotten melody in your head,
and my love a softened place in your heart

I am most happy when I don't feel the need to prove it
when there are seeds being planted in my belly and flowers blooming everywhere I touch
and my own company is enough
and if every person in the world had a negative thing to say
I'd wrap myself up in my own kind words and bury theirs with yesterday
and when it hurts- because transitions always do
I remind myself of the battles won
the regrets I shed like second skin
and the warmth I felt from the bridges I burned

I hope you are not frightened by the fingerprints of my past
my biggest fear is losing you to their ghosts
that my body will seem less holy after you hear of all its journeys
I’m sorry that the paths you trace aren’t uncharted territory
that his hands felt the shape of my hips before yours
I hope you understand the mistakes I made when I was feeling too much
when I learned to close my open heart
I will make everything new for you

you’ve always been in the back of my mind
lingering
as if somehow, someday we would find our way back to one another
I’d tell you how the years all ran together until you held me again
and timing wouldn’t decide our fate
and distance wouldn’t make much of a difference
right now you’re where you are and I’m not really sure where I am
but without it meaning too much you should know
I am never not thinking of you

two years since you and I am still in the habit of falling in love with the idea of people
still in the habit of giving too much and thinking too little about the consequences
I wonder if I am tragically sentenced to unrequited love
and terrible timing
and wanting to fix people who never admit to being broken
I don't miss you anymore
or him
or anyone else I used to think I couldn't breathe without
I've just only ever known to associate love with suffering
and I'm afraid of feeling the same pain with different people for the rest of my life