Sometimes I think about you
I wonder if you think I just go on with my day to day life, never a thought of you crossing my mind

Some days I can
not think about you or your voice or where you are;
how you're doing

Most days things cross my mind  

like all the beautiful things you said to me
and I don't mean the compliments, I mean the way you spoke about life,
how you're voice floated to me like the nicest sound Id ever heard

I think about how you were nice to me,
nicer than anyone ever has been
How your soul was sad like mine, the way your eyes searched for something

You told me once how it felt so good that you had found me
like you had waited your whole life for me
You always said things like that,
no one else has ever said anything like that to me

I think a lot about the pretty things you loved to tell me

One day I will be writing happy poems
about strength and courage
and what it feels like to be in love with yourself, unafraid to be alone
I won't look back and think maybe we could try again, or start over or try harder
One day I'm going to wake up and not feel bitter and angry
I will have forgiven you and myself
I'll be doing the dishes and think to myself how long it's been since I've thought about you, about us

One day I'll take a deep breath of relief
but today, I will write sad poems about heartache, anger and what it feels like to be alone

I'm left wondering if anyone is
really worth taking up your space
and your time,
if anyone is worthy of trying to take you in, wrap you up, make you theirs
pluck you like a pretty flower and take away your air  

why should they be aloud to come in and mess you all up
and make you believe in something that isn't
and take all those little pieces of you that were once what made you,
YOU
the good stuff, the real stuff, the things that made you beautiful inside,
before they stole them, or **** on them or made you feel like they weren't worthy of being

that's what happens when people think they fall in love,
all they are really doing is stealing precious roots from a person's soul,
changing them up to make them the person in their mind that they want you to be, not who you truly are

I'm left looking at a reflection of a person that I have no idea who that is, just a shell with my face on it,
an empty stomach and an even emptier heart
because someone told me they loved me and stole all of my light to take for themselves
too greedy to let a beautiful thing bloom

I guess after so many trys
and so much time,
it really is best to look forward when
what was had is lost forever

no matter how hard I try to look
or even however hard I might force myself to want it to be the same

It just isn't

I've always been interested in hearing other people's dirt on their relationship
probably because it's nice to know someone else out there is just as miserable as I am

Happiness in a relationship is all temporary
A facade of what people think is normal life
Rather fake it till you make it
over actually going out and being it

But I don't want to spend my life
being quiet and silencing my soul
even I can't tame my heart to a truth it wasn't meant to have

I've always lived for someone else
this time I want to try to live for me

These past few years you have made me forget that I am still fire
I am still strong and powerful and capable
You have done your best to take all the best parts of me
and turn them into something useful only for you
but there is still that roaring heart inside my chest

For awhile I forgot that I used to be hell on wheels
miss independent with a kick in my step
ready to take on the world with an iron fist
I used to be the girl who rolled over men like you
put them in their place and said forget it

I am a volcano erupting
An ocean of feelings that are okay to feel
The loud parts of me are what make me burn beautifully
The parts of me you don't like me to show are okay too
I shouldn't have to be quiet about my flaws
because love is supposed to accept them anyway
if love is even what we can call this anymore

When my insecurities come out you leave welts on my skin
from being so hateful towards my most fragile pieces
when I am breaking you only help me shatter
by throwing stones big enough to break down whole buildings

All of me that makes me who I am is not appreciated by you
it is NOT fair for me to live hiding and walking on eggshells
to make sure you are happy, the only one of us who apparently matters
supposed to be partners in this life instead I am your servant

but Oh you are never wrong, you never want to hear it when I am bleeding my heart out all over the floor
I am a mess you just step over because heaven forbid you get your shoes wet

I have dreams that he dies a lot
Either by getting shot by someone or hit by a car
in those dreams I am always looking forward to a new future
a clean slate
I think it's obvious my dreams are a sign that he is actually the one killing me
slowly, mentally
I would never wish death upon someone
but is it fair that he has killed me multiple times?