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Jun 2023 · 282
for abigail
lilly grace Jun 2023
you just turned 19 in march
i just turned 19 in june
march is gone and so are you
june is still here and so am i

how is that fair?
i don't care about "god's plan" or if it was
"meant to happen"
it shouldn't have been

god needs to leave my friends alone

how have i suffered 2 such devastating losses of friends my age
and i'm not even old enough to buy alcohol yet

you were getting clean when you died
so now i'll start smoking cigarettes
(the ones i'm not old enough to buy yet)
and get *****
i'll get real *****
and i'll live for the both of us

i'm not happy, i don't remember the last time i truly was
i see death all around me
people, birds, bugs, other animals

your car crash makes me want to crash my car
i miss you

i still see your notifications
i still hear the videos we would send each other
i can't read the comics we used to talk about
or watch the shows we use to geek over
i can't do anything i used to find comfort in
because through those things i also found comfort in you
and now that you're gone
my safe place is gone too

i miss you
june 15, 2023
Mar 2023 · 1.7k
getting high
lilly grace Mar 2023
i watch birds fly every day
i watch cars drive every day
i watch planes soar through the sky every day

i watch people falling through the ground every day
a few times a week i see children morph into nightmares
a few times a month i see my friends walk through walls
every so often i can smell a church burning down somewhere

every once in a while everything goes quiet
all the colors around me shift either 4 shades darker or 2 shades lighter
lighter
i want to be lighter
i want to be able to lift off the ground just like the birds

i want to be so light that i can slither through molecules
as thin as a paper

i want to walk through walls
i want to morph into something scarier than my nightmares
i want to remember what it feels like to not be scared of falling through the floor

i want to burn down a church

and then cry and beg for forgiveness at the feet of the lord

i had to, i'm sorry.
it was the only way to feel like he's truly gone.

i want to be high on the feeling of screaming at the top of my lungs.
but i can't find anything that raises me up enough to feel that.
diphenhydramine morphs children into nightmares.
dextromethorphan makes people fall through the ground and walk through walls
the devil himself makes me remember the smell of a
church
        burning
                 down
but i've never seen a church burn down

perhaps it's just my mind manifesting my thoughts into physical sensations
Jul 2022 · 1.7k
going back down
lilly grace Jul 2022
i lay in my bed typing this with one hand on my brand new laptop

i think it's getting bad again

i'm moving out in 19 days for college

i can't get the memories to leave me alone

my dad was the one who bought me this laptop as a gift for college

i can still feel the touches of the man who couldn't keep his hands
off of me
i will never be the same

my parents pay for EMDR therapy
it's expensive
it's not covered by insurance
i feel guilty

i feel like i ruined this family dynamic
we don't go to church anymore
church is where the man worked
church was where i suffered
the cold brick wall all the way at the back of the building
behind the pews
everyone's backs to me
as i stood in silence while
he ruined me

it's time to go to bed
maybe i'll feel better tomorrow
sorry this one is kinda dark
lilly grace Jul 2022
at the hands of a holy man, I was taken away
I'm not sure what they did with her but
she's still gone to this day
I don't know if we'll ever find her
but be my guest and try
and if you do, from me through you, tell her
it's ok to cry
haven't posted in a second, enjoy this beginning of something
May 2021 · 1.5k
god vs. God
lilly grace May 2021
1
When I tell you this story, remember it may change: god loves all (but not really).
Leviticus 18. Man shall not lie with man. “god hates that.” Leviticus, I don’t like you. You are the reason why people hate us. god makes no mistakes. he is the one who loves all. he who loves all (“unless you’re a ******”).

2
Unless you’re a ******. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. But apparently, we are the sticks. A bundle of sticks. The fuel to your hateful fire (the fire of your demise, not mine). Hate kills. We’ve all seen it happen. June 12, 2016 (only four years ago). Suddenly the pulse stopped beating.

3
Dad. All a kid wants is to make their dad proud. What about when dad isn’t proud of you? What if dad isn’t proud of you all because of something you can’t control? Can you hear me, Dad? I love you. Will you say it back? “The bible says it’s wrong.”

4
Coming out of the closet: a metaphor for LGBT people's self-disclosure of their ****** orientation or of their gender identity (Wikipedia). Hey Dad. Remember when I came out? I cried. Mom yelled at me while you stood there, stoically, with the look of a man who just lost his youngest child. You quietly told me you loved me no matter what because I will always be your daughter.  You haven’t said you love me since.

5
Do not use our love as an excuse for you to hate. Why are we the disgusting ones? Your attitude reflects in the eyes of the devil himself. I wish I could make them understand. The love I have for her, he has for him, she has for her. It’s no different than the love she feels for him and he feels for her. We are all the same. God loves us all. God created everyone exactly the way they should be. Love is the basis of this religion, yet you cherry-pick those who you believe are deserving of that love. You attempt to take on the role of a God that is not yours to assume. Only God can judge. God can judge. Can judge. Judge. You are not God. Are not God. Not God. God. I guess things really can get lost in translation.

6
“I don’t hate anyone, I just don’t agree with it. In the bible, it says it’s wrong, and I place my faith in the bible because it is the word of [G]od.” One could argue that’s not hateful. And to any other (“normal”) person, it probably appears fine. “It’s their religion. It’s their beliefs. Just respect it and move on.” But that doesn’t make it hurt any less. Can you hear us? Screaming from the pits of hell that you said we were destined to burn in?  It’s not the hell you’re thinking of, though. It’s hell on earth. A hell that you created for us through your twisted up version of this religion that’s supposedly based on “love”. One we have to live through every day. “I still love you, but I don’t agree with your choices.” That gets tiring to hear after a while, you know? Replaying on a loop in our heads, day after day, night after night. “I still love you but…” The unacceptance is exhausting our minds. It’s not a choice. Why do you think we’d choose this? Why would we choose to live a life where so many people hate us?

7
June of 2019. I went to Baton Rouge Pride. You drove me, dad. You drove me there and walked in with me. Granted, you didn’t know about me yet, but you went with me anyway. Once you saw that I was with my friends, you left. Mom said you went to get coffee. When I asked why you left, she simply offered that you “just aren’t comfortable with this type of thing”. You’re still not comfortable. Sorry about that.

8
Dear Leviticus. I still don’t like you. You are the reason why people call us *******. You are the reason why people call us *****. You are the reason people think we’re disgusting. You are the reason why people hate us. Man shall not lie with man. “god hates that.” (You are the reason why my dad no longer tells me he loves me.) Thanks god.
i wrote this for my english class at the beginning of this year. thought i'd share.
Oct 2019 · 271
poetry is a closet.
lilly grace Oct 2019
Poetry is a closet.
It’s a hideaway for some
An escape for others
A road to get out of town
You can spill your darkest secrets without the fear of another knowing
In the darkness, you feel safe
Maybe it’s your way to Narnia
Or whatever other enchanted lands you want to visit
Poetry could even be your way to escape the closet
Telling people your secrets in cryptic ways they can’t understand
The darkness hides you from the judgment of others
You can write in peace
And the only person who can unlock the door is you
oh hi it's been a while
lilly grace Oct 2018
America
A country whose streets are paved with gold
That gold being opportunity
“If I say run, you run.”
“If I say hide, you hide.”
“If I say swim, you swim.”
The journey is a difficult one
It is a dangerous and treacherous and gut-wrenching ride
People have been lost
People will die
Just to come to America.
Land of the Free
(
some exclusions apply)
I wrote this for a Spanish class assignment, and I just thought I'd share it with you.
May 2018 · 198
panic attacks
lilly grace May 2018
gasping for air
feeling sick
wanting to die
wanting to sleep but stay awake at the same time
wishing for it stop
because when it does
you get the greatest feeling of relief for a split second
before anxiety consumes you again
at the thought of ever having to go through that again
but you know you will
you know it's not the end
this pain and these fears will follow you to your grave
May 2018 · 585
a color..?
lilly grace May 2018
blue
what does it mean to you?
a color
an emotion
maybe it even reminds you of a song
but do you ever stop and think
wonder just a little
how blue is seen by other people?
or, not just blue,
any color at all?
this is from a while ago and i am seeing it again and thinking, "why didn't i post this...?"
May 2018 · 197
lightbulbs
lilly grace May 2018
a lightbulb
it goes on
and it goes off
it can flicker and flick
it can dim
it can brighten
but in the end
you can always turn it off
kind of like a human life
welcome to my page :)

— The End —