You can only exist in my fantasies,
Where there would be no boundaries.
You can only exist in my fantasies,
Where I would wait for you every night-
Shattering every despair of silent light.
You can only live in my fantasies,
Where it would be okay for me to stay-
Wrapped in your arms my love won't decay.
Because you can only live in my fantasies-
Somewhere I will be safe and protected
Knowing that I will never feel neglected.
You live in my fantasies like an ephemeral dream-
Wishing upon the stars I thought I've already seen-
The beauty of your eyes gazing into my soul
Loosing my breath it almost feels unreal-
To think that you only live in my fantasies
This place that I can mold and fix-
Every single tear and broken script
In this world of mine I can pretend I am not alone-
I can pretend that you're here with me
Because I am scared to open my eyes to this cold reality-
Where souls like me can't feel no more sympathy
In those fantasies of mine I will hurt myself
Over and over again I am becoming hopeless
To find the strength inside of me to let you see-
That without this world of fantasies-
I have no secure place to be the real me.

I'm so mesmerized my heart is pounding fast my hands are sweaty, his eyes are so beautiful I've never seen something so clear and blue my whole life. He reminds me of the ocean but he seems tired - bags underneath his eyes. He's human I know it - tired from life, ***** from work. His brown natural hairs the complexity of his skin. I want him to look at me so I can fully feel what it's like to be inside of his eyes - I want to know what's like to touch his lips, I want to know. I truly want to know but I'm scared. Scared that his heart is already taken, by some frivolous beautiful blonde girl. Because you know I'm not blonde. I'm just this fierce brunette with hazel eyes and rose lips. I'm insecure in front of him, I'm listening to music, wishing that this ritual bus ride slows down. Please slow down I wanna watch him a little bit more. Grasp into this infatuation. His scars along his arms, his old wool sweater- I wonder what's his name. He looks like an artist - or maybe a drug addict, I really wish that he's an artist or something it would be such a waste of his eyes if he couldn't see the beauty above this superficial world.  I wonder what you're thinking about - is it the ocean that you dream of ? Is it the warmth of a women that you desire? Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you mine. I'll let you in world this world of imagination where maybe one day I'll have the courage to say to you : let me love you.

Let me love you for this ephemeral bus ride, let me love you in my imagination, hold your hands and caress your lips.
The ride was short, it's over, I now walk towards my monotone work  - as I leave those fleeting thoughts disappear. I go back to reality and I will forget every features of your beautiful eyes.

Goodbye stranger maybe one day I'll see you again - maybe one day but I doubt it in the end. I know I felt love this morning -

This beautiful blue morning.

I want you to look at me one day,
Like you used to do so often
I want you to look at me again,
With the soft look and desire,
I want you to look at me
Knowing that I have changed-
Stronger and smarter
I won't make the same mistakes,
That made you go the first time.
I want you to look at me again
With different eyes and lenses
Maybe this time you would grasp
The love burning inside
My heart soul and chest
Beating to the sound of our silent heavy breathing
When our bodies make love
All night and morning,
Would you smile at me again,
If I laid the softest kiss on top of your shoulder-
That used to hold me so tight-
Where my walls would fall upon this moment I call and cherish tenderly,
This vulnerable moment of intimacy.

I don't know you,
I don't know the way you smile,
the echoes of your laughter, at the corner of my ears -
reasoning like old vanishing memories.
I don't know the way your touch feels, the way the tip of your fingers looses themselves on my body - looking for somewhere to hide,
the way they would fit my fingers,  grasping onto them delicately -
caressing, locking, intertwining perfectly.
I crave for your eyes - your ocean eyes,
where I could lose myself for eternity -
where you will give me the look -
that lovers give  - that fires the soul away,
burning me, weakening me down to my knees.
Into this moment of intimacy -
I would wait for you to find my lips,
waiting patiently for you
as we finally breathe into one another -
I will hold onto you and never let go of this instant.

I will never know how this feels,
I will never know your soft kisses,
your hands in the palm of mine -
Your silhouette fading away,
where we would leave our traces.
No.
I only know your stupid jokes,
and the way you made me cry,
without saying good-bye,
You left me hanging,
into this beautiful view,
of what we could of been.
Broken promises and words that you threw
right at my heart -
leaving my guard down
I believed you were different.

You are gone now,
I  still wonder if I still cross your mind,
If you still love me -
as much as I will always love you,
even in this suspended moment -
where I will look into someone else's eyes,
where I will share that kiss with him,
as I wish deep down,
that you were the one holding me now.

Sometimes I think about you,
The way you would look at me,
Your daring eyes lock in mine.
The way you would run your fingertips,
across my hairs, across my back, across my lips.
The way every morning you would smile at me gently,
as if we shared something special,
as if you would never let go of this moment.
With no witnesses I fell in love,
in the way you made me feel,
The way  I thought we were something -
something bigger than a simple friendship,
more meaningful than all those nights,
where I would drown my sadness in someone else's  bed.
But in your arms I felt happiness, I felt like it was different this time.
But I was wrong, wrong to think that you'd be the one,
the one falling in love with me,
Like I did with you,
desperately, innocently, breathlessly,
our bodies caressing one another - until morning where,
I would have to let you go.
You marked me,
Your marked my body and my soul,
with every single kisses, every single touch you left behind you,
I feel like I can't get you out of my mind.
But I was just another girl to you,
Another fun girl where you lost yourself to,
Another meaningless girl you left behind,
With a broken heart.

Have you ever felt sometimes that you were not alive - living a life that has no meaning. A life where the world has come to an end - the kind of ending where colors have disappeared.

Have you ever felt sometimes that you were loved but loneliness has suffocated you so much that you could not even feel the warmth of the loved ones anymore?

I've always felt like I needed to be strong - for the ones I loved but lately I've felt the strength leaving my bones.  I've felt like I could not give up on the people that surrounded me - but why does my life seems to be so empty?

Of all the goals I've achieved the past years - I should be tremendously proud  but the only time I felt really alive was when I took ecstasy.

Feeling the rush through my veins again - feeling the music pumping through my heart and soul - I felt like I could die. I felt like I could die of a delusional happiness.  What is happiness?

I almost forgot what it was when I met my first love - but when I came back to my senses - when I fell out of love I realized that loving was being able to cope with the solitude within myself. It is about loving yourself and being able to bare with the demons inside of you. I felt like I could go crazy - waking up with this unbearable pain inside of me. I do not know why or how I cannot stand the fact of being by myself - always searching for someone to warm the side of my bed and text me in the morning to feel like - I EXIST.  I AM HERE.  I AM SOMEONE.

Deep down I know I don't need someone to tell me who I am - I know I shouldn't find someone to make me feel alive - because it is my responsibility to find my own peace of mind.

It is my responsibility to bring myself happiness and joy - but I wish truly to find the strength to move on because I do not want to feel this way anymore. I do not want to feel this empty anymore. I do not want to feel lonely anymore. So please hurry up darling and love yourself already - life is so beautiful please don't give up now.

I will always be here for you even when you feel like there is no light, when you feel there is no hope - I will hold your hand.
Press it against your heart - feel the heartbeat - feel the life inside your chest.

You are here with me and I love you.

- Myself

She did not know how to live,
How to breathe,
How to kiss,
How to love.

She only knew how to die -
Every time she came back -
From her dreamy haze,
She died.
A little bit inside,
More than ever before,
She broke,
She cried.

She was looking, behind her shades, a way to escape,
She could blends -
In crowds,
In people's live,
But she knew she was still alive,
But dead inside all she wanted -

Was to disappear.

Disappear and never come back.

You make love to me all night and all morning,

With your beautiful body you make me shiver,

Moan and addicted to you.
I grasp onto the sheets like there's no tomorrow,

Like you're about to break me -
Like I'm feeling alive again, as I breathe desperately into your arms.

Don't go,

Don't go,

Stay.

I open my eyes,

Into this delusional moment of love,
You're gone.
Leaving behind you,
broken bottles and ***** half empty glasses,
Leaving traces of you without any promises.


My fingers are reaching for the ceiling,
As if I could almost reach your lips again,
As you move through me so easily,
I engulf myself into this memory,
That will soon fleet as I
Look through the window.
The sun is finally rising,
Saving me from my hopeless dream.
The clock is ticking,
My life is starting,

Without you into this new day,

Where I will let my soul shatter again,

Wishing for someone to stay.

Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I would of became,
If I wasn't beaten to the ground,
If I never touched your lips,
I wonder what kind of person I would of became,
If mom never left me,
If you never teared me apart like another chapter,
I wonder sometimes how you felt,
during those ****** sleepless nights where you would come back into my room,
crying - tearing - hopelessly apologizing.
I literally wonder sometimes,
Why I felt in love with you
The narcissist and me-
The victim.
I wonder what kind of person I would of became,
If you never touched me and did the irreparable-
That haunts me everyday,
Where I drowned my sorrow in magic potions, warm bodies and dreamy pills -
Where I would let the sound of my hallow soul echo between those empty screaming walls.
I wonder who I would of became if -
If I never felt this beauty deep inside of my heart.
Feeling this world - I still remember your eyes gazing into mine-
Lost forever into the torment of two empty bodies -
Finding each other perfectly at their worse.
I wonder sometimes how you felt when you were on your knees begging me to stay -
Feeling those bruises on my neck
TELL ME HOW DID YOU MAKE ME
turn into something -
So beautifully broken...



      •••



I wonder sometimes, if you saw the shadows of my demons dancing inside my chest-

Would you love me?
Would you softly kiss the scars inside my heart -
Would you hold my hand strongly as I travel the seven seas?
Would you my love,
Despite my sins, my filthy body and the hell burning my distant dreams...
Would you finally stay?

  


     •••


You know I became this person - that writes passionately,
Warms people's heart and cry in front of sad movies,
I became this late flower that is yet to bloom-
But deep inside this garden of thorns,
I know a secret that nobody truly knows.

I became the most profound - pure and kind women I will ever be -

And this is me.


I am enough.

I am on the side of the line watching people-
As they come and go I've always wondered -
How do they love each other so much -
For me it feels unreal to even feel
That people can be happy together
I am on the side line watching people
He has his arm around her
She has her head on his shoulder
Why do people pursue and want that so much, knowing that
Nothing is permanent, nothing is sure, nothing is secured
I am on the side line wondering,
Why I've always dreamed to be them
They hug and kiss they touch and feel each other loves bliss
I've always wonder how does it even feel to be wrapped held and meant to be ?
I am on the side of the line watching -
All this happiness that has no meaning -
To me it feels unreal to even understand love and romance -
Are they even necessary ?
I've survived so many years without it -
Do you even know how it feels -
To be on the side of the line watching
This eternal parade of love-
That will always leave my heart wondering
Am I capable of loving too?

Victory

Here we are Mom,
This is the finish line-
Where my mind goes blank,
Where your dead body lays on the floor,
Between my hands your face is fading.
Finally I've stopped you with my own hands-
Those endless screams and tears.

Here we are Mom,
Where you've ran out of things to blame me about,
Threatening me, beating me up-
Until there is nothing left of me-
Not even pride,
Or even feelings -
I can't feel no more,
You've taken away my humanity,
my sanity.

Here we are again Mom,
This is the finish line I can see the end,
Where your will drown into your own loneliness,
No one to cry at your funerals,
Or lay flowers on your grave-
Because I am done with this pain,
This interminable miserable cycle -
This is your victory Mom,
I'm leaving'