Slowly, you come before
Me in this warm light
As the only thing I want.

Don't make it a dream,
just give in.
Let me seep in.
Seep into me.

Your fold, my sin,
our whole existence, manifest
in you, my friend.
Tempt intense,
your taste, my wish
to make you want it badly.

Hold me, come again.
Intense, breathe slowly and return
this favor I ask you so sincere and desperately.
Give me your secret, your desire, your fire
what inspires
your mind and soul.

This last chance, this request
I whisper loud.
One taste, your sin, your ***.
Your salvation I beg to give you
One more time.

One caress, one gesture
One grace
This taste of you
my dark nirvana.

I have beautiful nightmares still to this day of our times together.
I see her face, of which I do not like to recall but nevertheless, blindingly unforgettable.
Just the burning ashes and shadowy silhouettes that dance in the corridors of my mind between darkened doorways and buzzing lights.
No wind, growing still air and a stench of old sketch books and burning lighters.

Some things you wish you could forget, while others, you wish you could remember.

Woke up at 7:00 AM,
went over to my Dali-style melting clock, took it off the wall and watched as just as easily I could turn time back, it would still rush forward.

Is this how it feels
To know that you're dead?
Or is this the beginning
Of just another end?
I take my steps each morning
Surprised they're not my last.

-This path that I am taking-

So pragmatic, enigmatic, fantastic.
I've never had this before.

This body, Which contains my soul.
Holds my desires, and that ever thirsting fire to feel beyond what my mind can experience. I can sometimes feel what my senses tells me exists beyond myself.
I must push forward and move through the fold. This beauty beyond myself shows no bounds.
To give myself is a sacrifice that must be paid if I am to see the extent of possibility.
No matter what, I must pierce this whole existence, this experience.
I choose to live, I choose to die, I choose to feel and to tell the truth and to lie.
To spin beyond the chance to be here, breathe, live and be alive.
I excite my existence and fight, what I see, and what appeals.
For they are not the same, and I know nobody else is the same.
Give the scream of your life and show you care more than you ever feel.

Shed some light on reality.

To choose to listen to the voices in my head or the whisper in my heart.
Blinded by my own hand most of the time.
The roller coaster turned into a merry-go-round.
I knew where I had ended up, but I didn't see the start.
My thoughts are off and running again...

Round and round,
I feel this creeping monster run down my spine and gnaw at my center.
I am terrified of it.
I let it go on forever.

...I finally looked inside and asked,
"What the hell do you want from me?"

"I just want you to know that it's me, which is you.
Just trying to tell you that you need love, that's the truth."

I need to stop crucifying myself to feel alive.
It's selfish.

Feet lift off the ground
Feeling vibrations and infinite sound
Sense and lose thought within the pulse
Running through air, earth and fire
Recycled spirals
Bends

That
Which is the random
Which is all
Which is now and then
With and without
This

End of this beginning
Twist, introduce and suspend
The motive to move and to drive
Walking with shadow as friend
In this eternity which is the moment
Beginning to end

Because I want what I want.
My Id insists
I need more, never enough.
Forbidden fruit in your garden of tenacious love,
Give me my desire.
I want to burn my hands in fire.
I lust for what I can't have.
Me, Me, Me, I, I, I.
What will it take to inspire?
Give me something that I admire.
Let me sleep in my own funeral pyre.
I crave that. That which makes me die.
So Why cant I...?
Because it's a liar.

I'm not going down without a fight.
I'm ready for War.
This battle-zone is afire.
My plane isn't going down with both wings ripped apart.
Blood on my face, water flow on a short night.
I'm not falling in battle with this purple heart.
The stray shells and the firing lines, lock and load, no man left behind.

When push comes to shove, and you look in the other man's eyes, all you will see is yourself, so do you want to live and let him die?
When the muzzle leads to the shovel, who will bury the last?
Bleached bones, blackened skin, torn flesh among the rubble.
It means nothing to me...
Flag half mast.

Watching my friends die can't cause me pain anymore.
I can't let them recover while the enemy is reloading on the other shore.
Nothing means anything like it did before.

A race to the finish where both sides lost. If we never fought, we wouldn't have to win a war.
The deafening sound of exploding cores falling from the sky, I screamed for no more.
I lived while I watched the whole world die...

When the devastation is over, turn the sword into a scythe.
Let children reap and thresh a fresh new world.
It will only begin though when I die.
And only if they try.

I'm so **** tired
I need to go to bed
But the thought of her smile runs through my head
Reliving fantasy makes the analogy that my imagination created theology
But watching pool on that bar stool reminds me of how that ***** love had destroyed me
I'm so **** tired
I want the desire dead
But the fire in our match remains bright red
Reminiscing on memories paint the reverie, that my hell was so heavenly
But now the stables are empty, the horses now dead, I left Rome, and torched our homestead
I'm tired, so **** tired
I will dream tonight
Expire to achieve
Seeking in serenity
Let passions retire
Sleep in bed
Sit in my soul
Let my thoughts deny Her

I can be a liar, I can be an honest man
I can cheat and steal, I can be fair and giving
I can find sadness, I can find happiness
I can be jealous, I can be trusting

I can be more, I can be less

I can be loving, I can be hateful
I can be here, I can be gone
I can be compassionate, I can be careless
I can be a lover, I can be a fighter

I can be whatever I want to be

I can do what I want, I can do what I don't
I can say hello, I can say goodbye
I can sleep, I can stay awake
I can make, I can break

The fact that I can, makes me the luckiest man. To do what I want this second, again and again.
Forever
I will never give up my feathers.
Help me fly my wings, as long as I believe.
You will never let me fall as long as I believe.

I admitted every wrong thing I have ever done.
ALL OF THEM.
I had to give the grand list of all of my resentments, fears, harms, and ****** misconducts I had ever committed in my life and tell all of it. All of the gory, gritty, *****, uncomfortable wreckage and baggage a person carries that you would never tell anybody, not even your best friend or wife.  Not just that, I had to find the resentments I had in my life and discover where the fault in my actions had me at fault...
I will not go into any detail about what I said on that mountain that day.
All I will say is what I found out about myself.
I had realized that every resentment I had was because I did not get my way, that people didn't do what I wanted them to do, and that I couldn't have complete control. All of my fears came from me not being able to to control these situations. This fear was born because I wanted to be accepted and if I wasn't, I had to find a way how to be accepted, no matter what. Through my pain, I created a fear of other individuals in which I wouldn't let people close to me. I was hurt by the girl I lost my virginity to and in turn, I treated women like they were all objects, and used them, out of fear that I would be hurt again if I didn't treat them badly first, or treat them as they “deserved”. If I didn't like what happened in a situation, either with a job, a girl, a friend, or anything else, I would turn it into a resentment and blame others. This roundabout of negative reinforcement in my actions created a long and downward spiral which to this day has governed my actions to put on a mask. Behind that mask, was an illusory person that would prey on others or target and focus on things I wanted, regardless of the repercussions.

It was explained to me that I had the unnatural ability to get what I want from people through reading and listening to them, and was able to do it very quickly. Within ten minutes of talking to me, I could know your personality, your insecurities, your desires, your strengths and your weaknesses.  As an example, when I would see a girl I liked, I would unknowingly look at her, target her and find her vulnerabilities, likes, dislikes, habits, turn-ons or anything I could find out that would help me get what I wanted. I would use these things to my disposal and manipulate this person, upcoming situations, or other parties to create an atmosphere or climate which I could have control of and then ****** this person through mind games and lies to get what my sick mind wanted.

Now hearing this about myself and coming to the realization that this is the way I have behaved in every relationship I have ever been in, I was horrified. My immediate reaction was that I had just envisioned and compared myself as a cult leader, a serial killer, as a mob boss...
As a predator.
I knew the only thing I could do in my heart at that moment was exactly what the program I was in called for. Complete honesty and desire to be relieved of these defects of character and how to do what I could with these skills to help others for good. I asked what I should do... He said, “Pray”.

I asked the universal force I understand to be the creator of all things and myself to give me the strength to do with me what I could not do for myself. To let these things wash away and give me the strength to change the things to come which I could not in the past, and let me walk through life as a person I want to be. I ask for vision as I write this to remember what I have learned and not let it slip away or be buried by fear and self-hate. To let myself be okay within my own and do what I know is right. Just when I wake up tomorrow, I'll remember.

I am a liar
I manipulate
I am a coward
I fear everything
I am abusive,
I hurt myself and others.
I am arrogant,
I think I know everything.
I am selfish,
I don't care what you want.
I am distant,
I isolated.
I am pathetic,
I let everybody push me around.
I am God,
...Or I always thought I was...

I am what I am
I don't get to choose what happened
I can't choose what will happen
I have right now
This moment

-Courage, Wisdom, Comfort-
Let wash this soul
Praying for rain and waterfalls
For tidal waves to flood and fill the holes

Tomorrow isn't guaranteed, and will never be
Then again, this moment exists, and so does hope
Half empty, or half full
Time slips into the skin and fills the soul.

-o-0-o-
With my two eyes closed, the third sees beyond the edge of the horizon.
Keeping us within its sight, unopposed.
In the center of the energy, I experience an alternate path that has not been disclosed.
Unending, undivided.
You are not alone, this symphony plays for us both, and this Universe we interpret will provide it.
Keep digging, diving, deriving, speaking, seeing, hearing, feeling, believing, sensing.
Unrelenting, still unconditional, yet undeniable, so undefinable, and indescribable...
Yet Loving

Will I remember the relief I felt when I was dragged into those rooms?
Will I forget the love that I threw away, the conundrums and curses, I wove into my loom?
The life I threatened to **** away when I couldn't see myself in the mirror?

It will never come back if I don't come around.
It will always be there if I walk back and start over, remembering to follow the sound.
The rooms will always be there, waiting to accept me with open arms.

By empathy, I take vicariously from those who say God keeps us from harm.
By praying for me, as I pray for you.
Release me from my suffering and give me an honest you.
That would be enough,
That will do...

Ad Infinitum.
I'll just do what my heart tells me to do.

Fold and unfold
Spiral, split and entwine
Find the disorder in the order
Realize the time signature of fibrillation
Left right, Left Right
Inconsistent breath
Offbeat heartbeat
Shaky palms and unsteady legs

Your quivering voice says,
"I love you..."
I respond with firm stance.
"...I love you too."

Don't ever be afraid to share your love my darling.
For you need it as much as I do.

I find the tragedies of people so heartbreaking. Addiction is misunderstood, and this has become my understanding.

I realize that this disease is not about drugs. Drugs are only a symptom of addiction or the "ism". Some people do drugs, while others collect things, suffer endlessly in painful relationships, others obsess over things they cannot control.

The real beginnings of many of our problems comes from far back in our lives starting with childhood and upbringing. We are told that we are expected to be a certain way and that we must follow the examples of others. Even though we should believe that adults that abuse us are wrong, we internalize it and find it to be our faults. “What did I do wrong? I shouldn't have done that. I must do better next time.” I have looked inside of myself and translated that this life terrorizing issue is hard to understand, yet simple.

We have a personality we have grown up with and created. An ego represented by coats of armor that we put on. We put on a new layer of armor each time we are hurt or learn a lesson. Eventually these suits of armor start to get so heavy, we cannot move, we cannot breathe. We try to walk around and be true to ourselves but our defenses make it nearly impossible. We only want people to see what we let them to and tell our true nature to shut up. We think our true selves aren't enough to be loved and isn't worth showing people. We become ashamed of what we actually are underneath. Our Egocentricity takes over and creates that facade we want people to see.

There are several walls we must break down in order to free ourselves of the thousands of layers of armor we put on over our lifetimes. We have the first wall: our personality we present to others. We must know it and see ourselves for what we actually are. There is nothing wrong with you. You are a wonderful human being that is deserving of everything life has to offer. The second wall is the big brute who bullies you at any cost to keep himself alive: Self-hate. It is your greatest critic, your manipulator, and your source of evil. You must look at your self-hate as a black dog behind you that is always barking, looking for attention, undisciplined and untrained. Wild, vicious and dangerous, it will do anything to get what it wants from you and does not love you. It will beg and give you those puppy eyes, but it is always lying to get what it wants... In front of you is another dog. Your true self. It is a little puppy that has not been nurtured or given attention in a long time. This puppy does not bark, it does not cry. It just wants your unconditional love as it has for you.

You must not ignore the black dog behind you. It must be stared straight in the face and you must say NO. This is where the last wall and line of defense against your true nature and love for yourself hides: Fear. You are afraid that this desperate black dog will bite you when it doesn't get what it wants. It will bark so loud you cannot hear anything and you are afraid of being ripped apart and die if you do not give it what it needs. Yet, this dog has a hidden chain attached to it you have never seen or knew about before. It cannot get to you if you don't let it near you. You must make the deep and soul searching decision through great fear and with courage to never give this dog what it wants again...
Turn your eyes forward...

See the little puppy in front of you? It looks at you with those big eyes filled with the desire for you to love it and take care of it. That puppy is you... Don’t be afraid of the work it takes to raise that puppy, because it will grow up slowly yet surely and be your undying companion; always guiding you to the happiness you deserve. Give it some water, some food, your love and take it on walks.
This is you. This is your puppy. If you can learn to love this puppy and nurture it, you will have found you love yourself. When you can love yourself, you can then love another...
The suits of armor come off and you can finally move away from that black dog behind you forever. The love you found will flow into you. You will be able to live with freedom, unchained from your self-hate and fears. Nobody can say you are a bad person anymore. You have taken such good care of that puppy that you don’t need anybody's approval. Your own puppy is happy, and he loves you unconditionally. It is unconditional love for yourself.

Everybody has this armor on and everybody has different weights on their shoulders. It is up to you to decide when to break free. I will pray for you all in the mean time. Please pray for yourself and others.
And as you do, remember to love freely.

Fog through my window
Created the most beautiful sunrise I have seen in years
Came through my room this morning and beckoned me to open my doors.
I lit a cigarette and saw them blend white and blue.
The green earth was speaking words in silence.
Of a soft strength one could comprehend without eyes

I said so long.
Let reality slip away
There is no way to recall
What the trees said that day.
An emotion so loud
I could not remember what was said to me
But the message was clear.

You don't have to find anything.
It is in you, the crowd that sees you
And you never have to perform for them
Just leave space for your exits and entries.
...Never give them away.