why does the
fat on
my body keep
me warm,
but my heart cold?

-self conscious

i gaze over, &
see how
his veins stretching all the way through his
fingertips,
they wrap around her hand
their atoms never making
contact with each other
but i still feel as though the world has stopped turning.
the stars weren’t aligned,
there simply wasn’t enough cosmic energy. the
space between us an indefinite
black hole
the constellation of my heart wants
you to scoop me up &
hold me close,
but your heart isn’t the big dipper,
& you're just a pisces drifting in the wind.

the lights
d i m
im told to lay down.
candles are
put in a circle around
me they ask,
“do you hate your body?”
i say
“yes”
they slice of a slab of
flesh from my
stomach
they repeat,
“do you hate your body?”
i say even
louder now,
“yes”
they slash off more flesh
but now from the inside of my
thighs
they repeat one last time,
“do you hate your body?”
i scream
“Y
    E
       S!”
the candles blow out.
the ceiling opens up to
reveal a
starry night sky and they speak for the last time
“you are reborn”

-getting rid of my eating disorder

Poi-son-ous
if you bite it and you die, its poisonous
i show you love
love & compassion that you need that
i think you need.
& you **** it in you
****
it
all
in.
but what do i get?
nothing.

Ven-om-ous
if it bites you and you die, its venomous
i let you in.
the front doors were rusty but you helped me
fix them. little did
I know, that
one you
were inside you’d
break down every
wall i had.

the glint of
your knife could pierce
through my
heart
without even making contact with my skin.
the swiftness,
your oddly serene manner,
the sheer
mystery,
it all draws me closer to
you.

-love comes in many forms

it’s all
t o
m u c h
the late night texts where
I can only imagine you
speaking these words
in
person

your
v o i c e
is extraordinary,
unexplainable

I DON’T
want to
feel
these emotions
it
hurts  
too
much

the
excitement
the joy
the p u r e
joy
it’s all too much
for me

-I must shut you out before it’s too late

sometimes,
alone
under the weight of soft
comforters
thoughts come in
without
knocking

-my own personal intruders

i don’t think you
have the same
r e d  h o t
thoughts,
the ones
laced
with dopamine &
cinnamon sugar

I don’t think you
you
feel
the same
dread
&
e x c i t e m e n t
when you hear your
phone
vibrate
from across the
room

I don’t think
you’d describe your
h e a r t b e a t
like they do in a 90’s
rom com,
that it
beats
so f a s t
that you feel like
your chest is going to
     x      l      d
e      p      o      e

I don’t think
you
feel
this way

-I don’t think I know you, but I don’t think I know myself either

sometimes,
i wonder if he could ever
help
me
the girl that slouches in her seat with
eyes glossed over, staring into the bright light
of a screen.

sometimes,
i wonder if he’s met girls like me, helped
girls like me.
if he’d ever want to help
a girl like me, again.

i want him to hold me,
my shaky fingers
intertwined
in his.
for him to whisper,
“i’m here for you, always.” &
to squeeze me tight & never let go, chin rested
on the top of my head.

-sometimes i wonder

i’m not
so sure i
want
to be h e r e
anymore

the clocks are only getting
s
l
o
w
e
r
making my
mind
run
faster

vanilla ice cream with
cherries on
top
can’t keep me here for
much
longer

“As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven
Would through the airy region stream so bright
That birds would sing and think it were not night.”

i wish for this to be forever,
never do i want her eyes to go
cloudy,
again.

“Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized;
Henceforth I never will be Romeo.”

i will be whoever you
want me to be,
as long as i can be
with,
you.

“It is my lady, O, it is my love! O, that she knew she were!”

if only you knew
how much
i
loved,
you.
if only.

-“My life were better ended by you,
Than lonely, in need of your love.”

the temperature is dropping all too fast
& a gust of wind sends a
shiver up my spine
the iridescent hair on
my arms perking up.

what once
was strawberry limeade
will soon be a steaming mug
of thick cocoa

i wish to lie down
on a once
hot patio
but now
is a quivering slab
of gravel.

my skin is turning pale,
and like Lysander said
the roses are fading
all too fast
& im not
quite sure
i can take
all of
this change

i cant breathe
this air
for it now
pierces my lungs
so im stuck inside
reminiscing about the
once warm breeze
of a
midsummer’s night