when you leave home, home leaves you

little did i know that meant
                      
                                                         forgetting what his room smelled like
j.c.

they say that if a butterfly ***** its wings
at just the right place,
at just the right time,
it can cause a hurricane halfway around the world.
crazy isn't it?
how something so delicate
can collapse an entire village.
makes me wonder if you knew you had a poisonous touch--
mercury running through your veins
like Hermes relaying messages back to
Zeus--Jupiter.
there is a massive storm
larger than Earth
that has raged the planet relentlessly
for hundreds of years
no end in sight.
they call it the Great Red Spot.
it reminds me of you.
how long did it take for you to grow into your anger?
your fists have been balled for as long as i can remember.
got me wondering when you're gonna swing.
j.c

i think my demons are feeling replaced.
the things they would normally communicate to me
are coming out of the mouths of those i am forced to surround myself with.
you can't be convinced of something you've already accepted.

i used to pray for the voices to stop
but ever since they've been quieted by those around me,
i've decided that i'd rather have the voices--
the lesser of two evils.
it's ironic, isn't it?
like how i crawled into my bed last night and cried,
"i just want to go home"
until i fell asleep.
am i supposed to feel disappointed every time i wake up?
i shouldn't feel like a stranger in my own skin.

lately i've been struggling a lot
in this sea of anxiety.
it's hard to float with bullet holes in your back.
maybe that's why i've been drowning
for as long as i can remember.

just pull me under.
please.
j.c.

so i guess this is it,
the end of forever;
no one could've seen this coming.
the separation of past, present, and future.

past:
a smile from you
could spawn
a kaleidoscope of monarchs
in the pit of my stomach.
i fell in love
with the way you rested your chin
upon my head,
we were invincible.
i could have laid in your arms
for years.
i would have.
i had enough hope to feed a village.

present:
you tell me
this was long overdue,
that we're past our prime,
but there's no expiration date
on the sound of your laughter.
how do i explain to you
there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
today i am a quiet shade of blue.

future:
people will ask me
what was loving him like?
and i will smile and say
it was as if
the sadness had never swept me
under the rug.
i will tell them
how i felt whole,
how you gave me something
to look forward to.
i will tell them
how you lit a fire in my chest
and evacuated only yourself.
no words,
no warning,
not even the butterflies
made it out alive.
i should have known this was coming
by the way you always reeked of smoke
and bad intentions.

you see,
i confused you for someone
who would hold my hand
when things got dark.

i just wish i had some closure.
j.c.

we were spectacular
at least, i thought we were.
when you left me, all of my happiness was eradicated.
i am left with nothing but my own thoughts
my nightmares.

no one understands this pain.
you made happiness look easy
it was easy.
now, wherever i go, i always end up at your house.
when i walk out my front door, i see a world better off without me in it
my life only has potential once it's over.

in my dreams, you spit up apologies like fire.
i close my eyes and i see you coming back to me
you always come back.
i wake up, and for a split second, i feel euphoric
like i'm walking on air
and all of a sudden, i am in my bed alone.
it's like a reverse sigh of relief.
you're gone and you're not coming back and i know that
i ******* know that.
so i don't understand why i keep wishing on a star that has already burned out.

this pain is
astronomical
j.c.

some days i am so sad
i feel like i could throw up.
i imagine it's all the words I've swallowed
trying to climb out of me.
on days like this,
i think about all the times people have told me
i deserve to be happy.
and for some reason,
i cannot stop crying.
on days like this,
i find myself unable to get out of bed.
on days like this,
i think to myself,
"there are no good days,
only days like this."
sometimes i can't seem to shake the feeling
that everyone's out to get me.
and suddenly,
people start to smile brighter
when i'm not around.
i know what i must do.

on days like this,
i wish i could just cut this sadness out of me.


abandon ship
j.c.