Some time in may
Last year, 2018
It was a warm day
I was thirteen

You said you didn't want me
Anymore
You broke my heart and changed me
But that's not the end

I thought I'd never finish
Being thirteen
To die was my dearest wish
But I turned fourteen

You may have broke my heart
But it fixed on its own
You messed me up real smart
Now my hearts on airplane mode

Won't let anything in
That includes memories of you
I'm going to win
I will forget how I loved you

You you you you you
On my mind
Me me me me me
Please be kind

To yourself
You're still alive
Look at you
Heart still going

My heart's on airplane mode
At least it's still beating
Living on my own
No more feeling

If I'm going to die someday anyway
I guess I might as well stay
So I guess I'll stay
Ready to live another day
Start to dance and play
Live life to the fullest
Even though it hurts
So when I finally lay down to rest
I'll be proud of the life I lead
We're all going to die
Someday
Please don't rush it
Stay
Use what little time you have
To the fullest

i've tricked them once again
i made them believe that everything was fine.
******* I'm good,
even after all this time.

i'm too good at lying to myself,
I'm too good at pushing away the pain.
and even tricking myself
into believing I'm okay.

you're telling me to breathe
but my throat keeps closing.
you tell me to sleep,
but every night is darkness without dreams.

how am i supposed to write,
without spilling blood on the page.
but this is my job now,
and i need a decent grade.

like forcing a bird to sing for food,
you're wringing me out.
my mind dripping to the floor,
i can't create beautiful things anymore.

i'm writing everything over again.
repeating
repeating
repeating myself.

what do you want me to say?
that everything will be okay?
you want me to make my own light,
give myself a nicholas sparks ending.  

because now I'm exposed,
I'm standing in front of you all.
and you can practically see the blood
dripping down my wrists.

with the world standing behind me,
its hard to keep my focus.
"make it pretty" she says,
"don't let them see you're already dead."

i can't turn tears to holy water,
or my own blood into wine.
i can't create beauty,
staring Darkness in the eyes.

Don't you realize
How much you're hurting me
Every word you don't hear
Is destructively burning me

You're supposed to make me feel safe
Yet you're breaking my heart
You're supposed to make me feel like I have a place
Yet you're tearing me apart

Stop locking me out
Of everything I need
Stop shutting me out
Of the life I want to lead

You're hurting me more than anyone else
When you should be my shoulder to cry on
You can't expect me to trust you
If you don't trust me

I won't respect you
If you don't respect me
I can't love you
If you won't love me

Because you should be here
Yet you're slamming this barred door in my face
I can see everything I want through those bares
Right in front of me, things I can't even taste

Because you're keeping them from me
You're killing me
And I told you so many times
It looks like you'll never listen to me

Why are we this way
Why all the doors
Why all the locks
Where are the keys ?

Why are you locking me out ?
Why are you locking me away

I stand here in front of you
Every cell in my body
Is screaming in agony
Yet my smile holds strong

Why can't we talk
Why don't you trust me
Why do you hurt me
Why don't you listen
Why do you always think you're right
Why can't you consider my opinion

You make me feel like I don't count
Why ?
Why mum ?

I need you so much that it hurts
Like you'll never know, when you're not here
Odd isn't it that something so perfect can be pervert
Very much so as you whisper in my ear
Every second of your absence tears me apart
Yet when you're here you break my heart
Over my head or between my legs
Untimely demise you cause me

I love you so hard it kills me a little more everyday