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psychopathic episode
Choke me till I learn to die
Yet to die is to live a lie
Swords and knives cut me deep
But my stature I still keep
Words so mighty are all that hurt
Rub them in my face like dirt
Cut me till my tears run dry
Sing me a broken lullaby
Demons rise angels fall
I try so hard to forget it all
Broken dreams rise from the dead
Broken promises stuck in my head
I will not cry I will not brake
My broken heart you shall not take
Beat me till I learn to listen
Still in my eyes you glow and glisten
You're not better then any one
Just because you hold a gun
Choke me cut me beat me down
Yet shoot me and I'll always be around
Forever written on your heart
Bitter memories taste so ****
I said that you would regret
Now you will never forget
My name is written on your skin
Blood on your hands as proof of sin

I had forgotten how I loved you
And that is exactly what I had intended to do

And so as my payment I now can see
That you have elected to completely forget me

alone in my mind
the world can be left behind
but night mares follow

Breath hunny, let it out
Let it float away in silence
There is no need to shout
Breath hunny, for one day
You will find a love like the one
That remorsfuly cast you away
Breath hunny, for you will learn
To love him, as you loved him
Your feedom you will earn
Breath hunny, this is just life
Not every relationship works
It's all just part of the strife

Write me into the world
Leave me a mark on the shore
Carve me a heart in a tree
Paint me on all you can see
Read me aloud to those who'll listen
Sing me like your favorite song
Whistle my name into the wind
Shout until the mountains bend
Picture me as I was before
Remember me like a child's dream
Feel me beside you as you go
Hear the love I couldn't show

Put me down on your paper
Keep me up in your head
And when no one can hear you
Hold these words I have said

"Hey kitty kitty,
take care of momma for me"
But momma needs you. . . .

You are like a black whole
And if you were a nerd
You would understand how amazing that is
You would know
That I am paying you the highest compliment

A week ago
We were sitting in the cold
But I was warm
In your arms
today I sit in the heat
Shivering

In

Having to tell yourself

Out

To breath

In

Is a hard thing to do

Out

It hurts

In

But if I don't tell myslef

Out

I'll stop

Childhood lost
Heart turned to frost
And what was the cost
Of this childhood lost

I left so I wouldn't be alone
And now I'm coming home
The tears that I wouldn't let fall
Rain as I stumble down the hall
My stomach churns like an empty pit
The door is closed like we left it
My cat is waiting  when it opens
His loving face is where my strength ends
I wrap him in my arms so tight
Wishing he could understand my fight
My family argues through the house
Wile I hide quietly as a mouse
Hiding in the closet that I once feared
I pretend that I have disappeared
Yes this is the home I've come home to
My home sweet home, what can I do?

I'm not crazy
I'm insain
I am human
I'm deranged

You say I'm crazy
Then you are to
Look in the mirror
I'm just like you

We're not crazy
Not you not me
We're just human
Can't you see

So come and join me
In the sun
Because we're not crazy
We're like everyone

Swollow your medicine
Be a good girl now
Taste a little bitter
But I can't afford the sugar
To help it go down

Some people's demons
Look at them through different eyes
Mine stair silently back
From the mirror before me

Ravage
My heart, my soul
Steal it
And keep it for your own
Damaged
As it might be
Keep it
Far away and safe from me

I want to do something nobody's done before
And when I'm done I want to be asked for more
I want to inspire sombodies masterpiece
But how can I, when I don't even inspire me

She was everything I wanted to be
No wonder I questioned my sexuality
But to find she might be into me?
My heart couldn't help but skip a beat

I was set on being her everything
Four years I batted my eyes
And watched as she fell for others
As she let them between her thighs

As young people will do
I fell for others to
But she was always there in my heart
My feelings always true

Lover apon lover
Cracked and broke me down
Slowly I lost myself
Slowly I began to drown

But I still loved them
Just as I loved her
But how could I love both
And for that I was unsure

Finally one day
I got my chance
After so long in denial
She had given me a second glance

I showed her what I could do
And she fell before me
She fell FOR ME
But it wasn't what I hoped it would be

For once in so long
I found that I didn't want her
And finally my life
Wasn't such a blur


Because I wanted him
And only him
I wanted him so much
That my love for her actually grew dim

I realized that day
That it wasn't about what you were
It was about who you were
Yes finally I was sure

So many people
talk about what they like
But I found that I like whos not whats
I'm not straight I'm not "****"

I am who I am
And I'm everything I want to be
And she helped me realize that
She helped me find me

Thank you to everyone who liked and shared my poetry. It was nice to have a place to reach out but I feel I should go. I've been keeping more and more of my writing to myself, it is hard to be open when any emotions I let go leads to backlash. I'm probably going to leave my page up here and post some more things from the last few months but after tomorrow I'm not going to get back up here. This is a chapter I should of closed a long time ago.

Six in the morning
        The ringing phone wakes me up
                    My favorite alarm

Counting syllables
Is much harder then it seems
To keep it simple

So tall, old oak wood
So stronge, long roots in the ground
Some comfort he brings

I'm sorry to bother you
I didn't mean to knock so loudly
I'm looking for something very dear to me
I'll gladly offer a bounty

no I don't know what it looks like
and it doesn't have a name for you to call
no you may not keep it
if you even find it at all

I don't know if it ever existed
or if I made it up myself
But please do inform me one day
If you find it on a shelf

Don't be alarmed if you find it under a bed
I promise it can't hurt you
But you should keep it from children
You never know what they might do

Now I'm sorry I have to go
There are many others to inform
I understand that for someone like you
This might be out of the norm

But just for me please look around
It won't take much concentration
I just really need some help
Finding my crazy imagination

The only thing
I've ever pretended is
Haha. . . . . . never mind

Your words break me, shake me
But this is the way it had to be
I had to finally set you free
Baby I love you, can't you see
All the things I can't do for thee
A beautiful soul but you tread so hesitantly
For this world is not made of pleasantries
And my heart never came perfectly
It is a survivor of puppetry
Broken from insanity
Programed like a computer to flee
Victem to my faulty circuitry
Why do you insist to have this blasphemy
Is it really worth those small moments of glee
I'm sorry but I do not agree
You deserve so much more than this decree
And you heart might be left thirsty
But it is me who must carry on as an amputee
For you were like a leg that supported me
And I was a tumor that burdened thee
So now maybe you can live healthy
And awaken to a better reality

I DON'T have your patience
And I DON'T have your time
Because unlike YOU
It's MY heart on the line
YOU many sit here waiting
Thinking one day it'll be OKAY
But I don't HAVE that luxury
To wait MY time away
YOU can pretend your happy
If that is what YOU please
But I will NOT lay before them
Weakly apon MY knees
Time IS a powerful weapon
Now THAT I will admit
But WAITING is a painful path
That to myself I will NOT commit
So have your PATIENCE
Yes have your TIME
But I don't have the HEART
To WAIT for you to be mine

"We are meant to be"
Doesn't change anything
We are not to be

If I tell you I'm fine
For the millionth time

Please don't believe me

All I want is for you to hold me
To tell me you love me
But I know you won't
So instead
I push you away
I want you to come back
Because you say you want to
But you stand your ground
As I close the gates
I want you to want me
I want this pain to go away
I want to explain how dead I am inside
I want you to really hear me
As I'm begging silently
Behind my anger and frustration

But all I do is make this worse

So instead

I just say "I'm okay"
And hope that at least you
Are having a good day

You know what I want?
I want you back in my bed
Back in my arms
Skin to skin
Your calm breath
And strong arms
Letting me fall asleep
Chasing all my fears away

I've never slept better then in your arms

It's silly

You're a little rodent
And you're smelly
And you like caterpillars
Even when they grow wings
And I just can't believe
The way you love the little things

Like me

Except the smelly part

Just the part about caterpillars
And the little things

And it's silly

But we're silly
And that's the best part
The part that I need
The part that warms my heart

You're like sweet chocolate
Which I know you don't like
But I love

Yep
that's us

And it's silly

How you've wiggled your way like a worm
Into the grooves of my mind
So deep into my memory
That you'll never be left behind

Because everything I do
Has little parts of you

And that's silly
And amazing
And human

And worth waiting for

Even if waiting is silly

If it is what you ask
I will always smile for you
Even when my tears crash down
It's the one thing I will always do

I will always smile
For I know it is what you want to see
Even when I'm broken inside
You'd rather see a happy me

I will always smile
As long as it makes you smile to
Because my smile would be pointless
If I wasn't smiling for you

Reach out and give me your hand
Please take me to wonderland
For last night I bumped my head
And woke up to a land so dead
The creatures here have beady eyes
They find their fun in spreading lies
I do not like this rechid place
Each second is a frightening chase
My heart doesn't know what to do
I no longer know what's false or true
But how will I ever get away
I just want to find a better day
So take me now I don't care where
Yes, Mr. Rabbit, I'll go anywhere

Is what I see real
Or a holusinaton
Made of jelousie

You are worth so much
More then you could ever know
Just let me show you

He holds on to me
Like a child
Instantly I am floating
Like an ocean
His need for me
Is the curent
Pulling me peafuly
Out to sea
Bubbly sea foam
Surounds my heart
Floating my troubles away
All the concerns me now
Is that he is sleeping sound

"Run run lost boy they say to me
                                   Away from all of Reality"

When he says "I love you"
I know it's a lie
When he say's "you're beautiful"
I just want to cry
But when I feel his touch
I could never deny
I love the way he feels

I should of never woken up
That breath should of been my last
And now two years have past

Why does everything still hurt?

"Momma please don't yell"
Is the only thing I asked
Silence never fell

Peel away my layers
Until all that's left is me
But never forget
That this isn't all I can be

The words of my soul
Are written in notes
Across five lines
With bars on each side

Tears on my face
I run for my place
No shoes on my feet
I've admitted defeat
Mud between my toes
Fresh air in my nose
Spiders in the grass
Sprawled out on my ***
Clouds passing by
I stair up at the sky
Here I don't hide
What I'm holding inside
Here I can scream
Blow off my steam
Here you're not real
Here I don't feel
It's like I don't exist
A feeling I can't resist

This last place I can call my own
Where I can finally be alone

Contacts in
Yeah, I can kinda see
And people seem to be
Looking at ME
But where is the plastic
Against my nose
Against my finger
In the wind
As I try to push up
My shield against the weather
I have to blink so much more
This is defiantly

Not cool

But the little things you do
Make me love you
More and more each day
So forgive me if I say
That I might never
Find another lover
Who makes me smile
A smile that's worth while
Because all my heart
Though it's not smart
Is filled with you
And the little things you do

I don't know what you're  doing
To us , Or to me
I can't  even tell anymore
If this is really how
Things are supposed to be
Mastermind
Of your own demise
But I'm just as stuck as you

Paint the walls
Paint the floors
Paint the cracks
Bettween the doors
Paint your love
The prettiest hue
Paint a smile
Just for you
Paint the trees
And paint the roses
Make everything
The color of posies
And while you're at it
Paint the lasses
The ones who dance
And sing of ashes
Paint the town
And paint the world
But leave untouched
One little girl
For if you Paint
All over her
You'll forget about
Who you were

One day you will not love me
The way you loved me
Once apon a yesterday

One day you will love her
And I will crumble
As my heart with you will stay

One day you will look back
And our love will be
But a sweet, memory

And that one day is the day
That my love for you
Will bloom into misery

One day:

One day you will not love me
The way you loved me
Once apon a yesterday

One day you will love her
And I will crumble
As my heart with you will stay

One day you will look back
And our love will be
But a sweet, memory

And that one day is the day
That my love for you
Will bloom into misery

Extention:

Today:

You do not love me
The way you loved me
Once apon a yesterday

Today you love her
And I love him
But with you half my heart stays

Today you look back
As if our love
Were just a bitter memory

And today I know
That all my love boomed
Was a tale of misery

Leave me alone
Don't touch me
Who cares
Forget it
What's the point
- - - -
Make a point
Keep fighimg for me
I care, please, don't you?
Hold me before I break
Please never leave me

You think I don't know
That you are also in pain
But my dear friend
I am not that insain . . .
It rings like a lie
But I never wanted you to feel
Like pet, a dog
Who needed to heel . . .
I want to hear what you say
But I know what it will do
I'm already crumbling
Alone without you . . .
But that does not mean
That I have spun lies??
I am simply trying to fight
My certain demise . . .
You have hurt me!!!
Straight to the core
But not by going
And trying to find more . . .
You hurt me because you hid
Cept it behind a curtain
Told me pretty words
So now I am uncertain . . .
Because the esance of our love
Was centered around honesty
Something I feel like you broke

That's what burdens me . . .