We've sent each other over 8,000 messages.
Some were silly.
Some were sweet.
Some were boring.
Some turned me on like crazy.
Some really made me insanely angry.
But I can't bring myself to hit delete.

10:30AM in a gas station
on a Sunday
Her hair screams "walk of shame"
but her Michael Kors bag
keeps it classy
She's waiting for some greasy food
to fulfill her unmet nocturnal needs
I shouldn't judge her
Maybe she just has "hat head"
And I'm here buying toilet paper

blurring a line
defining an edge
I have to find a way
to make my colors blend
I'm only happy
when I'm me
and my canvas is black with complexity
I draw the lines
straight and clean
but sometimes that isn't
what is seen
blurring a line
defining an edge
I am alive through my pen
I work on my portrait endlessly
my cells are words
my blood a river of poetry
an unfinished work
an oeuvre of me

Oh, you were a pretty girl
a happy, simple girl
dancing on brown, cracked linoleum
Oh, you were pretty
at the sweet age
when no one could harm you
at that sweet age
with your hair wrapped up in Christmas bows
Oh, you were pretty
The dust couldn't settle
in the corners of your face
the way it settled in the faded, green curtains
and the dirt couldn't cover the gleam in your eyes
the way it covered the old, broken pictures
Oh, you were a pretty girl
a happy, simple girl
dancing on brown, cracked linoleum
Oh, you were pretty

Sometimes trees look
very big
with the wind
blowing their leaves
like teeth ready to eat
a small bird
They're not supposed
to be mean
They're supposed to
love and provide
give birds a home
in this cruel world
in some places
the ground is barren
there is nothing
as far as the eye can see
yet birds exist
strong
flying
I am that bird
without a tree

Bleed out or
Bleed into one
Some have served their time
Some have just begun
We keep fighting
But no war has been won
Bleed out or
Bleed into one

Shout out or
Scream that it's done
Some read the signs
Some bite their tongues
White noise can be silenced
with a gun
Shout out or
Scream that it's done

Bleed out or
Bleed into one
Some are left behind
Some don't know how to run
Cover their eyes
Black out the sun
Bleed out or
Bleed into one

And when he looks down upon us
Can any say they were justified
and they won?

My heart bleeds out and is done

Writers are *****
Writers are ******
Getting high off a mental fix
Arrogant-self-indulgent-I'm-Smarter-Than-You-Narcissists
Diag­nosing their own disorders no need for a therapist
Id-ego-super-ego-creating their own analysis:

Buy my book so I can feel (more) important!

Writers are *****
Writers are ******
******* out their minds doing word tricks
self-centered-egomaniacal -lunatics

Buy my book so I can feel (more) important!

Tired
your eyes reflect
in a coffee cup
all the things
you've had to
overcome
pieces of burnt paper
breathed in your mouth
Staring
your hair falls
and covers your eyes
the cup is empty
and so are you

Cold, smooth stone
smooth like a hundred rivers
washed over
giving it shape
a long journey
of lost pirate ships in the deep
overgrown moss
like a carpet
under my feet
Cold, smooth stone
tell me
the tales of lovers
against your surface
the sun beating on you
and the moon
caressing your beauty
children dancing
using you as a stepping stone
Freckle-faced smiles
turning into serious eyes
campfires burning
enchanting legends of ghost stories
starry nights without sleep
Cold, smooth stone
tell me the
secret of reasoning
a thought, a mood, a moment
the feel of our skin connecting
laughter loud and in one voice
Cold, smooth stone
tell me the mysteries
of life.

Control

You don't have it
But won't let go
You made me less than a person
Bullied and belittled
Just a dumb whispering girl

You took my spark
You killed my heart
You fed on me
I was a zombie
with no control

You hate that I got it back
and I'll never it let go

I try to remember yesterday
When I thought about tomorrow
All the paths in front of me
with dreams I could borrow
I longed to be limitless and perfect in my sorrow

Will I regret my collage of memories
when the lights go out
will I sell myself a story
a novella of nothing
so I can avoid human doubt

No one knows
But some believe
Round and round
When it’s your turn
you let go and leave

You let your demons be known
You gave them names
And made them your home
I stared while most looked away
I dove in so deep
I nearly drowned
And when I caught my breath
Heartache was all I found
I had to send my demons away
But sometimes they whisper
Come out and play
You don’t understand who I’ve become
We’re on different levels
Though neither has won
I could sit next to you
And still know what to say
I visit you in my mind
But I never stay

I had a dream
that you weren't a fantasy
I had a dream
that you wanted me
late at night
don't know what to do
all alone
thinking of you
can't forget the words that you said
round and round
they play in my head
I had a dream
that you weren't a fantasy
I had a dream
that you wanted me

Why won't you wake up with me?

what would you
do to me
if I let you do
shiny, shine
pieces of you
injected
around my eyes
little folds of
my face
function to feel
pregnant with question
the primacy question
malfunctional
destructional
stitched together
survival
survive
patterns of red
mixtures of blue
me becoming
intertwining you
physical fight
as I bite
my own lip
hold it down
make it sick
what would you
do to me
if I let you do
blood red
pieces of you
pregnant with question
the primacy question

dysfunctional hands drenched in faith

Dilute us down
Delude us too
The solvent isn’t solving anything
Only making us lose
We are water and bone
Soul and unknown
Chemicals compound
Then break and disbound
Solutions splattered
Spineless tattered
Our volumes broken
Experimental fools

We are small like specks of sand
Petals picked by wrinkled hands
Beyond the bounds of space and time
In a dream you'll always be mine

I'll find you in time
You'll always be mine

There might be nothing left of me
Or everyone will think I'm crazy
My existence is the eye of the storm
but in the eye of the rose our love is born

I'll find you in time
You'll always be mine

We would no longer see the stars
Only hear the beating of our hearts
I'll close my eyes and say goodbye
and know I have no reason to cry

I'll find you in time
You'll always be mine

Kick out the crutch
False fixes are always temporary bandages

If you say
goodbye
my heart
will harden
as I know
that I
cannot be
without you
now
in my
picture of Heaven
resting in the
foyer of my hope

Snap.  Snap.
Dramatic Bass Line.
This is not a poem about how poetry is good.
This is a poem about how the poet doesn't care about the reader.
The poet wants to prove how smart he is.
Green.   Carpet.  Zebra.
Dramatic Bass Line.
Snap.  Snap.

head trauma
a finale to the played out drama
the bandages are about to come off
and you can't make it stop
you will have to look at what's underneath
the person you were fine with leaving to sleep

sad sleeping beauty
trapped in a cocoon of misery

she took back her hope
and now the fallout is going to make you choke
the fat lady's singing "that's all she wrote"
I won't suffer anymore of your
head trauma
sick games twisted plays fear and barter
the cuts have healed the burn has peeled
I've been reconstructed to let myself feel
and I don't have to deal with you
any longer

You're as
deep
as a
puddle.

And I'm
shallow enough
to still
*******.

A man who thought he was
higher than God
walked on and on
through every town
A soldier to fate
he said you'll never forget my name
and his name lies fresh on my tongue
Like the blood from the first punch
his thoughts relied on greed
a man who thought he was
higher than God
a man to make men bleed

You can't fill a hole in your heart with *****
or drugs
or ***
or expensive shoes
You can't stuff it with money
Fancy lies only make temporary glue
It will burst open even bigger than before
demanding
more
more
more
and take until there's nothing left of you

I want to be everything to you
But it won't be enough
The lynx keeps my secrets
She watches the world
As she guards my house on a cloud
Where you smile and say
You never left
You see through my illusions
As I stand in the warm summer rain
It pounds all around me
Announcing my rebirth
Your fingers catching little drops of water
Revealing me in their depths

***.  *****.  Stuff.
This is poetry in the 21st century.
Can't.  Get.  Enough.
Humans are just selfish vices made up of flesh.

I am a house
with paint in ugly layers
of caked on hurt, ***** hate and manipulation
I'm scraping it off
strip by strip
to my foundation
and rebuilding my soul

I told you

I know what you know

Even though it hurt

But you don't know what I know

And never will

Diamond rings
bring broken dreams
I hear the rain
and feel its sting
I play ignore and endure
until I can't take any more
no one will keep me chained
and I'm not scared of anything

Damaged pearls
fill this world
why must they change?
Rub out their flaws
but I still feel their scars
put them on fancy strings
and I'm not scared of anything

I don't need jewelry or make-up
to play cover-up
I don't need a man to tell me
I'm good enough
I don't need a king to rule
I'm the ******* Queen
and I'm not scared of anything

I hate people
and their mouths
especially when my indiscretions
come bumbling out
and now they know
how much
you loved my mouth
last night.

A lone observer I am
But in my mind
In my head
There are more colors than can ever be counted
And I paint pictures of you

I don't let flowers bloom because I'm scared of weeds.

What have we become?
we trust and depend on no one
we just think about ourselves
we are all offended and blaming someone else
like savages choosing sides
throwing insults and thumping signs
internet surfing and asking life's meanings
Where is God?
Who is Becky?

you are different
I must hate you
I am perfect
I am special

hours turn into days
days into years

there is no breathing when you are living fear

we are different but feel the same pain

inside that toilet stall we all **** the same

He surprised me with flowers
The way I felt about him was already a surprise
Like finding home and being welcomed inside
Calming like lavender
His smile made me feel sunny yellow
He held me in warm orange
that turned deep red like a rose
He let me go before the flowers wilted
Another surprise
I've never hated flowers before.

time wasted
a fool no longer
dreams hastened
sparks catch
and feed the fire

No more shadows on my back
No more spinning wheels
No more constant attack
I want a heart that can feel

Wars waged
a slave no longer
hope made
there is more to life than desire

No more shadows on my back
No more spinning wheels
No more constant attack
I want a heart that can feel

Beats broken
this glue works no longer
courage spoken
I will become stronger

No more shadows on my back
No more spinning wheels
No more constant attack
I want a heart that can feel

Seconds are kisses
Let's stop time
It's my enemy now
I want to live in this alternate universe
with movies, underwear and wine
Kisses are seconds
Let's dream divine
Movies are minutes
We are the actors
and our futures are boundless
Limitless our kisses will stop time

I'm in a funk
Let's get drunk
Let's scream and yell
and raise some hell
And when we're done
with our stupid fun
I'll turn and run
I'm a hang man hung
I love the beginning
though I know the end
Pain inflicted again and again

Let's get drunk
The ship is sunk
There is no reversal
I'm a skeletal vessel
Riding the storm
broken and torn
weathered and worn
nothing to mourn
The captain took my treasure
and then the rocks became my friends
I'm crashing against them again and again

Sound the trumpets
Blare the horns
Let loose the rockets
I am reborn
No more limbo
And just hanging on
I'll never be the same
There's no telling what I'll become

Pop the champagne corks
Bang the drums
Hear the boom of the cannons
My life has just begun
No more maybe
And just hanging on
Life is for living
There's no telling what I'll become

Waves waving
in discretion
You're amethyst
in a doll's dress
glitter glittering
sliding with
the pendulum
Feet march
to tread to
the lockdown of me
they said
put her to rest
but that wouldn't
be enough
the waves are
still waving
stick the stick
to this
wedding cake fix
layer lay me
down in strips
sub sunset
on a color wheel
glitter glittering
like sand
touching
the waves waving
in discretion
and this is
stronger than
my will
this is the lockdown of me
they said
put her to rest
but that wouldn't
be enough

You invaded me
like a secret army
flipping switches
I didn't know existed
the battle was won
with all the lights on
a fluorescent surrender
to the commander
love foe
you ignored the show
vividly dimmed
you let me go
when I was eager
to become
your prisoner
call back your spies
transmitting heartbeats
of lies
they've built a blockade
around my heart
these soldiers still marching
make them depart
a remorse code
with no answer
quiet noise
against the fire
of the bombs still burning
your armies retreated
and not returning
I'm a nuclear wasteland
a sad spectacle show
while you've moved on
ready to conquer
another foe

in the dark
make your own light
open your eyes
shining
like moons
stars twinkling bright
a pale luminescence
a flicker that becomes fire

you're the dark
before dawn
you will rise
and the sun
will become your own

in the dark
make your own light
open your eyes
leading
like a beacon
lost ships of the night
a gleamed guide
a thought that becomes inspiration

you're the outcome
that hasn't begun
strike the match
and find
your way home

two ships in a bottle
the colors of blue and purple
rain falling
into the ocean
pain into a bigger whole
atmosphere awaited
there I must go
the same notes again and again
lost souls
my lost friends
I want to rewind
let me go back to
lonely feeling
gray trees in November
candy coated moth *****
hard to swallow
hard to chew
my mouth is sour
and I miss you
three notes over and over
a cold October
messages washed into me
church bells singing
rocky sounds
blood hounds
barking
that time is playing its trick on you
distant sounds
that mean nothing
a pen that will not write
Dead.
memories that I try to remember
I must forget
your heart shaped locket
Miss Clare

There is a monster
inside me
that I inherited
from my father
The only thing
he's given me
I'd like to think I'm stronger
than that last drink
that puts me over the edge
that last drink
that makes everyone my friend
that last drink
that makes me slam and shout
that last drink
that lets the monster out

But I'm not.

Give me little pieces of laughter
and stained glass hearts
We are mosaics of color
hurt by broken shards
that we glue together
Like bits of tiny stars
Give me pieces of patience
and hope measured in yards
Give me the fire that transforms
us into what we are

Moving against the current
It would be easy
to just let go
to not have to trudge along
every step harder then the last
I might be submerged
drowned by the deep unknown
Hope as small as specks of sand
that fall through my fingers
I'll keep moving along
holding my heart above me
shielding it from the waves
and if my bridges are burned
I'll build new ones

the Machine that is me
is a little twisted
the cogs overwork themselves
creating production pods of hurt
wires get crossed
my mouth glitches
and spArks fly

when I die
maybe I can ask why
I'm defeCtive
placed here to suffer

I could put my trust in god
or in the motHer
I could look to the stars above
like the old models
did they have it any better?

take your pill
just get greased
talk about baseball
polItics
moNey
be a good machine

I'd rather rust and rot and fall asleep
my machine is brokEn
or this world is