We've sent each other over 8,000 messages.
Some were silly.
Some were sweet.
Some were boring.
Some turned me on like crazy.
Some really made me insanely angry.
But I can't bring myself to hit delete.

10:30AM in a gas station
on a Sunday
Her hair screams "walk of shame"
but her Michael Kors bag
keeps it classy
She's waiting for some greasy food
to fulfill her unmet nocturnal needs
I shouldn't judge her
Maybe she just has "hat head"
And I'm here buying toilet paper

blurring a line
defining an edge
I have to find a way
to make my colors blend
I'm only happy
when I'm me
and my canvas is black with complexity
I draw the lines
straight and clean
but sometimes that isn't
what is seen
blurring a line
defining an edge
I am alive through my pen
I work on my portrait endlessly
my cells are words
my blood a river of poetry
an unfinished work
an oeuvre of me

I can't sleep
My brain won't stop
Awake and dreaming in the daylight
Awake and dreaming in the dark
Your face keeps appearing
But I know it's not really you
A dream is all that I have left
to hold on to

Your words have no meaning
But I listen anyway
They glide out of your mouth
like hot liquid
words you would never say
I can't sleep
I can't stop
I'll keep pretending
I can't get enough

I know that you are gone
But some stubborn part of me thinks you're just away
that I'll glance over my shoulder
and you'll be back to stay

Oh, you were a pretty girl
a happy, simple girl
dancing on brown, cracked linoleum
Oh, you were pretty
at the sweet age
when no one could harm you
at that sweet age
with your hair wrapped up in Christmas bows
Oh, you were pretty
The dust couldn't settle
in the corners of your face
the way it settled in the faded, green curtains
and the dirt couldn't cover the gleam in your eyes
the way it covered the old, broken pictures
Oh, you were a pretty girl
a happy, simple girl
dancing on brown, cracked linoleum
Oh, you were pretty

Sometimes trees look
very big
with the wind
blowing their leaves
like teeth ready to eat
a small bird
They're not supposed
to be mean
They're supposed to
love and provide
give birds a home
in this cruel world
in some places
the ground is barren
there is nothing
as far as the eye can see
yet birds exist
strong
flying
I am that bird
without a tree

Bleed out or
Bleed into one
Some have served their time
Some have just begun
We keep fighting
But no war has been won
Bleed out or
Bleed into one

Shout out or
Scream that it's done
Some read the signs
Some bite their tongues
White noise can be silenced
with a gun
Shout out or
Scream that it's done

Bleed out or
Bleed into one
Some are left behind
Some don't know how to run
Cover their eyes
Black out the sun
Bleed out or
Bleed into one

And when he looks down upon us
Can any say they were justified
and they won?

My heart bleeds out and is done

I know that I loved you
because I want you to have
someone that makes you laugh
and I hope she's smart
and she gives you butterflies
like the first time we sat on my porch
and they fluttered in my stomach
when you pulled me on to your lap

and I hope she appreciates your charm
but she keeps you in line
I hope she's the reason you smile to yourself
and makes you fly through life with no regrets

Writers are *****
Writers are ******
Getting high off a mental fix
Arrogant-self-indulgent-I'm-Smarter-Than-You-Narcissists
Diag­nosing their own disorders no need for a therapist
Id-ego-super-ego-creating their own analysis:

Buy my book so I can feel (more) important!

Writers are *****
Writers are ******
******* out their minds doing word tricks
self-centered-egomaniacal -lunatics

Buy my book so I can feel (more) important!

Cancel culture is killing us

Tired
your eyes reflect
in a coffee cup
all the things
you've had to
overcome
pieces of burnt paper
breathed in your mouth
Staring
your hair falls
and covers your eyes
the cup is empty
and so are you

Cold, smooth stone
smooth like a hundred rivers
washed over
giving it shape
a long journey
of lost pirate ships in the deep
overgrown moss
like a carpet
under my feet
Cold, smooth stone
tell me
the tales of lovers
against your surface
the sun beating on you
and the moon
caressing your beauty
children dancing
using you as a stepping stone
Freckle-faced smiles
turning into serious eyes
campfires burning
enchanting legends of ghost stories
starry nights without sleep
Cold, smooth stone
tell me the
secret of reasoning
a thought, a mood, a moment
the feel of our skin connecting
laughter loud and in one voice
Cold, smooth stone
tell me the mysteries
of life.

I'm running out of ways
to feed the need
drinking, shopping, sleeping around
at the end
none give any relief
and I'm stuck
with my reflection in the mirror
seeing the ugliness
others cannot
sometimes I wish I wasn't so smart
then I could walk around
oblivious to reality
hearing idiotic pointless words pouring from my mouth
at the end
I'm stuck in my own head
knowing everything I haven't said
conscious with no clarification

Control

You don't have it
But won't let go
You made me less than a person
Bullied and belittled
Just a dumb whispering girl

You took my spark
You killed my heart
You fed on me
I was a zombie
with no control

You hate that I got it back
and I'll never it let go

I try to remember yesterday
When I thought about tomorrow
All the paths in front of me
with dreams I could borrow
I longed to be limitless and perfect in my sorrow

Will I regret my collage of memories
when the lights go out
will I sell myself a story
a novella of nothing
so I can avoid human doubt

No one knows
But some believe
Round and round
When it’s your turn
you let go and leave

You're like a tidal wave
Knocking me down
Pushing me against sharp rocks
Like a sick drug I crave
I don't mind it beating my insides up
Deeper and darker
How far do the waves go
There is no bottom
It's just deeper and darker
You push harder
My heart races
I wait for it to explode
It's just deeper and darker
Let's go farther
I think I'll just drown
Deeper and darker
No more judgments
No more sound

You let your demons be known
You gave them names
And made them your home
I stared while most looked away
I dove in so deep
I nearly drowned
And when I caught my breath
Heartache was all I found
I had to send my demons away
But sometimes they whisper
Come out and play
You don’t understand who I’ve become
We’re on different levels
Though neither has won
I could sit next to you
And still know what to say
I visit you in my mind
But I never stay

Put pen to page
Become the dissolve
The dissolution of rage
Each stroke brings me closer
To the big let go
write my anger away
I won't let the flames grow
water to the fire
words dissect and decode
map a world of distempered disaster
a cartography of my broken soul

I had a dream
that you weren't a fantasy
I had a dream
that you wanted me
late at night
don't know what to do
all alone
thinking of you
can't forget the words that you said
round and round
they play in my head
I had a dream
that you weren't a fantasy
I had a dream
that you wanted me

Why won't you wake up with me?

Blood and bone
We are all just masks bleeding
Truth unknown
The skeletal is not differential
But what it means to be human hurts
We are eclipsed by doubt
Insecurity
Jealousy
Hemorrhaging frailty
Drops of vital mental anguish

what would you
do to me
if I let you do
shiny, shine
pieces of you
injected
around my eyes
little folds of
my face
function to feel
pregnant with question
the primacy question
malfunctional
destructional
stitched together
survival
survive
patterns of red
mixtures of blue
me becoming
intertwining you
physical fight
as I bite
my own lip
hold it down
make it sick
what would you
do to me
if I let you do
blood red
pieces of you
pregnant with question
the primacy question

dysfunctional hands drenched in faith

Dilute us down
Delude us too
The solvent isn’t solving anything
Only making us lose
We are water and bone
Soul and unknown
Chemicals compound
Then break and disbound
Solutions splattered
Spineless tattered
Our volumes broken
Experimental fools

We are small like specks of sand
Petals picked by wrinkled hands
Beyond the bounds of space and time
In a dream you'll always be mine

I'll find you in time
You'll always be mine

There might be nothing left of me
Or everyone will think I'm crazy
My existence is the eye of the storm
but in the eye of the rose our love is born

I'll find you in time
You'll always be mine

We would no longer see the stars
Only hear the beating of our hearts
I'll close my eyes and say goodbye
and know I have no reason to cry

I'll find you in time
You'll always be mine

Kick out the crutch
False fixes are always temporary bandages

If you say
goodbye
my heart
will harden
as I know
that I
cannot be
without you
now
in my
picture of Heaven
resting in the
foyer of my hope

Snap.  Snap.
Dramatic Bass Line.
This is not a poem about how poetry is good.
This is a poem about how the poet doesn't care about the reader.
The poet wants to prove how smart he is.
Green.   Carpet.  Zebra.
Dramatic Bass Line.
Snap.  Snap.

head trauma
a finale to the played out drama
the bandages are about to come off
and you can't make it stop
you will have to look at what's underneath
the person you were fine with leaving to sleep

sad sleeping beauty
trapped in a cocoon of misery

she took back her hope
and now the fallout is going to make you choke
the fat lady's singing "that's all she wrote"
I won't suffer anymore of your
head trauma
sick games twisted plays fear and barter
the cuts have healed the burn has peeled
I've been reconstructed to let myself feel
and I don't have to deal with you
any longer

I can slap you with words

or recite the most seductive soliloquy
you've ever heard

these talents are hidden in a trap door
kept in a room where I hide
my heart's core

It's a secret treasure
not meant to be disturbed
if you rattle the cage
you'll feel the purge

and my judgement will be deserved

I can help you realize your dreams

Tell you the course the action
plot the star chart
to things unseen

my moral navigator is set
to detect what others don't always see

forever observing
serving
hoping
yearning
for the heart of humanity

You're as
deep
as a
puddle.

And I'm
shallow enough
to still
*******.

A man who thought he was
higher than God
walked on and on
through every town
A soldier to fate
he said you'll never forget my name
and his name lies fresh on my tongue
Like the blood from the first punch
his thoughts relied on greed
a man who thought he was
higher than God
a man to make men bleed

I don't think I'm better than anyone
except the people that think they are better than me

Those who close themselves off
miss so much
living way up on that high horse
My eyes are better
My ears are better
My heart is better
and I'd still help you if you needed me

I ain't no maybe girl
so don't be puttin' me on no back burner
I ain't no maybe girl
so don't put me in your phone and not call my number
if I'm second choice
I won't be a choice
you probably hate that I have a voice
and you think my *** is fly
but only half the time
I ain't no *******
so grow some *****
even if your **** is small
and if you want to get in my pants
but not take me out
I'll punch you out
and don't send me drunk texts
in the middle of the night
lookin' to **** or get in a fight
I ain't no maybe girl
so don't be puttin' me on no back burner
I ain't no maybe girl
so don't put me in your phone and not call my number

You can't fill a hole in your heart with *****
or drugs
or ***
or expensive shoes
You can't stuff it with money
Fancy lies only make temporary glue
It will burst open even bigger than before
demanding
more
more
more
and take until there's nothing left of you

Blessed are the meek
For they shall inherit the earth
Turn the other cheek
Know what it's worth
Hold on to the sails
And weather the storm
Take a chance to fail
So new ideas may be born

Judge not lest ye be judged
Breathe deep let go of the grudge
Open hearts
Open minds
More meaning to start
Less empty goodbyes
Evolution
Not revolution
My hopes for humankind

I want to be everything to you
But it won't be enough
The lynx keeps my secrets
She watches the world
As she guards my house on a cloud
Where you smile and say
You never left
You see through my illusions
As I stand in the warm summer rain
It pounds all around me
Announcing my rebirth
Your fingers catching little drops of water
Revealing me in their depths

I have no heart
It's been chewed up
and spit out
****** up and torn out
Blood flow cut off
Veins broken and blackened
No beats
Dead meat
I have no heart
How am I still alive?

I don't want to live in a world where Dr. Huxtable is a ******
and Kim K.'s *** is art.
It's 2014 and there are still race riots
We're cavemen on social media ripping each other apart
Hope and kindness are few and far between
like lost anomalies
We have reached the epitome of stupidity
our clubs have evolved into computers
more ways to fill the neverending need
and the ****** hashtag reads
humanity is greed

***.  *****.  Stuff.
This is poetry in the 21st century.
Can't.  Get.  Enough.
Humans are just selfish vices made up of flesh.

I am a house
with paint in ugly layers
of caked on hurt, ***** hate and manipulation
I'm scraping it off
strip by strip
to my foundation
and rebuilding my soul

I could make my life easy
Be the woman you think I should be
Play pretend and always be pleasing
No brain in my head
Is that what you're needing?

I can bake a pie and speak my mind
I can do the laundry and be flirty
I can pay the bills and still dare to dream
I can be soft and strong
A whisper and a scream

I can't follow your path
I have my own
It's different than yours
But I still have my feet on the ground

I could make my life easy
Be miserable but pretty
a fake, fraud and phony

My life isn't easy but it's mine
And I'll always be me

So I know how to string words together
like You-and-I
and Hello-and-Goodbye
and Laugh-In-Joy-and-Inevitably-Cry

Who-Cares

I told you

I know what you know

Even though it hurt

But you don't know what I know

And never will

Diamond rings
bring broken dreams
I hear the rain
and feel its sting
I play ignore and endure
until I can't take any more
no one will keep me chained
and I'm not scared of anything

Damaged pearls
fill this world
why must they change?
Rub out their flaws
but I still feel their scars
put them on fancy strings
and I'm not scared of anything

I don't need jewelry or make-up
to play cover-up
I don't need a man to tell me
I'm good enough
I don't need a king to rule
I'm the ******* Queen
and I'm not scared of anything

All I want is something real
All I want is to let myself feel
Pain was pivotal
almost spiritual
Thrown from one end of the spectrum
a reparative reawakening has begun
I'm done with black and white
and lost and alone in achromatic fight
my mental bruises were self-portraits of masochistic injury
And you healed them when you touched me
All I want is something real
All I want is to let myself feel
Pain was crucial
now hope is essential
I let you see me
someone I don't always let myself see
and now I'm not scared to be seen

I hate people
and their mouths
especially when my indiscretions
come bumbling out
and now they know
how much
you loved my mouth
last night.

A lone observer I am
But in my mind
In my head
There are more colors than can ever be counted
And I paint pictures of you

I don't let flowers bloom because I'm scared of weeds.

What have we become?
we trust and depend on no one
we just think about ourselves
we are all offended and blaming someone else
like savages choosing sides
throwing insults and thumping signs
internet surfing and asking life's meanings
Where is God?
Who is Becky?

you are different
I must hate you
I am perfect
I am special

hours turn into days
days into years

there is no breathing when you are living fear

we are different but feel the same pain

inside that toilet stall we all **** the same