Nakakapagod ng maghintay,
Ilang linggo na rin ang nakaraan,
Pero lagi kong sinasanay
Ang puso ko sa’yo.
Iniisip na lang ang mga “baka”
Ang  listahan ng bakang...
Na baka may iba ka na
Baka naipagpalit na ako
Baka nagbago ka na
Baka kinalimutan mo na ako,
At higit sa lahat, baka nasanay ka na
nawala ako.
Baka ganito lang talaga ang ating wakas.
Kasi nasanay na ako sa mga ganitong bagay,
Kahit naman tawa at ngiti ang gusto **** iaalay,
Luha ang makikita **** dumadaloy sa aking pisngi,
Na minsa’y natago ko pa sa mga ngiti.
Gusto mo akong maiwan sa tabi mo,
Kung sa puso mo’y ako’y naging isang multo.
Gusto mo akong maiwan sa tabi mo,
Pero palayo lang tayo ng palayo,
Gusto mo akong maiwan sa tabi mo,
Pero nasaan na ikaw? Nasaan na ako?
Nasaan na nga ba ang oras ng “tayo”?
Gusto mo akong maiwan sa tabi mo,
Pero wala kang ginagawa para tumabi pa ako sa’yo.
Nasaan ba ang hustisya ng aking salitang may halaga?
Na sa oras kung magbigay ka sa akin ay wala?
A ‘yan na, sa sikat ng araw ng Abril,
Nagtatapos na ang buwan, nasaan ka ba?
Eto na naman ang ating mga mata,
Hindi na naman tayo magkikita.
Pinagkakaabalahan natin at hinihintay,
O baka ako lang. Ako lang.
Nawawala na ang mga dating salita na,
“Mahal na mahal kita,
At miss na miss na kita.”
Kasi oo, nasanay ka na,
At iniisip mo na,
Nasanay na rin ako.
Kung minsanang sabihin mo ito,
Nagdududa na rin ako kasi nasanay ka na.
Tunay nga ba na mahal mo ako?
Tayo nga ba? O baka pangalan lang ito.
"Us with benefits"? Bagong parirala ba ito?
Tunay nga ba na ako ang iyong hinahanap?
Na minsa’y wala ka sa aking tabi,
Umiiyak na ako, nagwawala na,
Mas pinili mo pang iligtas ang iba.
Sinasabi mo sa akin na,
“Alagaan mo ang sarili mo lagi ah.”
Pero ano nga ba talaga ang sinasabi mo?
Ikaw pa lang ang nagsabi sa akin na
Mabuhay na wala ka. Masakit, hindi ba?
Pero, hindi na ako  magdedepende lagi sa'yo.
Natutunan ko na ang aking pagkakamali.
Nasaan ka ba noong kailangan kita?
Nasaan ang oras nating dalawa?
Hinahanap kita, mahal kong multo.
Patay na nga ba? Saan ang libingan?
O baka hinahanap-hanap kung saan-saan,
Kasi alam ko buhay pa ito. Naniniwala ako.
Minsa’y umiyak sa mga gabi,
Hanggang sa hindi na. Hindi na.
Hindi ko nang ginusto na makita,
Ang mga litrato mo sa akin..
Kasi namimiss lang talaga kita.
‘di ko mabitawan ang aking nadarama,
Kasi malulunod ako sa isipan at luha,
Kahit ano pa mangyari, hindi kita bibitawan.
Hindi bibitawan ng basta-basta.
Heto na naman, minumulto ako.
Nasaan ka? Naririnig ko ang aking puso.
Kung wala ka lagi sa aking tabi.
Multo lamang ang kasama ko,
Ang multo mo sa aking puso.

Ano ba? Nakakatawa!
Ano ba? Nakakainis na!
Ano nga ba tayong dalawa?
Nalilito na ako sa kung ano nga ba
Ano nga bang ang kaibigan?
Hay nako, aakbay-akbay na...
Ano ba ang iyong mga ginagawa?
Ano nga ba ang aking ginagawa?
Ano nga ba ang mga kalokohan nating dalawa?
Mas maganda na hindi na lang tayo nag-usap.
Mas ginusto kong nakikita na lang kita palagi,
Gusto kong masaya ako na walang masama sa huli
Mas ginusto kong makita ka na lang sa maskara mo,
Sa maskarang **** bawal tanggalin.
Kaibigan mo nga ba talaga ako...?
O laro at loko-lokohan lamang?
Oo, itinuring kitang kaibigan dati,
Oo, kaibigan nga ang ngalan ko sa’yo.
Hindi ko napapansin ang puso kong
Nahuhulog na lang bigla sa ating mga ginagawa.
May mga kaibigan kang babae?
Akala ko ba ako lang. Hahaha.
O ano? Nagseselos ka na?
Gusto kong kasama ka,
Mag-isa lang tayong dalawa.
Tahimik pero maraming kalokohan.
Ano ba tayo? Laging yun ang tanong.
Isang tagahanga lang ba ako sa aking idolo?
Isa ba akong kaibigan na kinaiinisan mo.
Minsan mas magandang mag-isa sa malayo.
Yung hindi ka nakikita pero naaalala...
Oo, malungkot. Wala namang taong naging permanente.
Pero ang mga bakas nila sa aking puso,
Nakabakat parin, dinadaluyan ng aking mga luha.

Baka bukas, hindi na ito maging normal.
Kasi baka sa susunod na mga araw,
Iba na ang depinisyon ng masaya.
Masaya akong nakasama rin kita, aking mahal na kaibigan.
Napapaibig ako pero ang mata ko’y nakamulat pa.
Kasi alam kong hindi ngayon.
Anim na taon na ika’y mas nakatatanda.
Pero kalokohan nating dalawa ay pambata.
Minsa’y hindi mo na maiintindihan pa.
Oo, sumosobra na rin ako, noon pa.
Ano ba ako sa’yo? Kasi kaibigan ka sakin.
Ano ba ako sa’yo? Iyong tagahanga lamang ba?
Oo, mas ginusto ko pang hindi lang kaibigan,
Pero mas ginusto mo ata akong kausap mo lang.
Gulong-gulo na ang isipan ko.
Sino nga ba ako sa'yo?
Nakakainis na lang minsang hindi ko mapigilan,
Ikaw. Ikaw. Ikaw. Puro ikaw.
Mga litrato mo, nasa phone ko. Puro ikaw.
Pero nakakapagod na magmahal...
Ng mga taong hindi mapapasa'yo.

Ano ba! Ano ba!? Ano ba!?

Natandaan ko ang mga tawa **** ‘di natatapos,
At ang mga pang-aasar **** ‘di maubos.
Naiinis ako pero, “haha. Tawa na lang.”
Hindi ko naman inaasahang
May muling bubulaklak ulit sa aking puso.
Noong hinahawakan mo pa ako,
Lagot na naman ang aking damdamin.
Ikaw na ang laging nasa isipin.
Pero... May minamahal na rin ako.
Bakit ngayon may lungko’t galit ka?
Sila ba ang rason at sa susunod ay ako.
Sorry kung ako ang naging dahilan.
Hindi ko sinasadya, iiyak-iyak ka na.
Aaminin kong hindi ako sanay
‘Di ko rin man lang matanong kung,
“Huy. Okay ka lang ba?”
Halata naman sa mga mata mo
Na hindi mo na talaga kaya.
Ewan ko ba, ngiti mo lang ang hinahanap ko.
‘Di ko rin alam na iyon ang kailangan ko.
Kaibigan lang naman pero bakit iba?
Gusto kita patawanin ng patawanin...
Para tumigil ang pagwawasak ng iyong damdamin.
Kaibigan kong malakas at matapang,
Alam kong lalaki ka pero hindi mo tinago,
Ang mga damdamin **** ‘di naglalaho.
Alam ko na baka isumbong mo ako,
Sa aking lalaking iniirog.
Pero kung alam ko lang ang rason ng mga tawa mo,
Sigurado akong naibigay ko na iyon sa’yo.
Yung mga pang-aasar mo para sa’kin na ‘di mo malimot,
Nasa ulo ko, pinagtatawanan kong paikot-ikot.
Malamang ay pinagtatawanan mo rin
At sigurado akong gusto **** balikan.
Magiging baliw ako, mapatawa ka lang,
Nagugustuhan (na) kitang makasama,
Pero mas maganda pang kaibigan na lang.
Kasi pag nalaman ****, “oo. Gusto kita,”
Hala heto na naman... Aalis at iiwas ka na.
Minsan ay nakakapagod rin maghabol
Ng mga taong sa huli’y mabibigay ng hatol.
Pero ‘di tayo aabot sa ganoon.
Kalimutan mo na ang aking sinulat.
Ito ay kabilang sa pagkakamali ng kahapon.
Kahit “kuya” lang? Okay na.
Haha. Kaibigan lang? Okay na.
O lalaki kong best friend? Sapat na.
Tandaan mo na lang na narito ako lagi,
Para subukan na mapatawa ka kahit minsan.
Sapat na, hanggang kaibigan lang.

Kailan ba akong pwede magalit?
Minsan tinitiis ko na lang talaga.
Hindi ko alam kung anong maaring mangyari
Pag nagtanim ako ng galit sa puso ko.
Kailan ba akong pwede magalit?
Kapag nasanay ka na nakangiti ako?
Yun pala, sinisira mo na rin ako,
Kailan ba akong pwedeng magalit?
Kapag alam ko na, "bes, ikaw na lang talaga nakikita ko...
I’ll always look up to you."
Hanggang sa ikaw na rin ang magpapabagsak sa akin.
Naniwala ako na totoo yung mga sinasabi mo sa akin.
Naniwala ako pero kasalanan kong maniwala sa'yo.
Paumahin kasi mali atang tao ang aking napuntahan.
Kasalanan kong gusto ko matuto tungkol sa'yo kasi ayaw ng iba.
Kasalanan ko na nagpakatotoo ako sa una pa lang.
Kasalanan ko na tayo ay naging magkaibigan.
Kasalanan kong makita kung gaano ka kabait sa akin
kasi ginusto kitang makasama.
Kailan ba akong pwedeng magalit?
Kapag ako ba'y patay na?
Kapag patay na ako,
Kaya mo ba ako buhayin pa?
“Oo”, o “baka”. Pero, ‘di mo na mabababalik
Ang dating kaibigan **** gusto kang samahan...
Kahit ilang segundo lamang o sandali.
Oo, nirerespeto kita dahil dapat lang.
Pero, ‘wag ka magsinungaling.
Dahil ‘di mo alam na ika’y nananakit.
Pinapatay mo na talaga ako, sakim.
Kaibigan? Sino ka nga ba talaga?
Ikaw ba talaga ay isa kong kilala?
O baka nasa mundo akong wala akong halaga.
Yung tipo na mas may halaga pa ang
Bente-sinko na sentimo kaysa sa akin.
Kaibigan nga ba? O napagtripan lang?
Kailan ba akong pwedeng magalit?
Nasanay ka na nga sa aking mga tawa’t ngiti...
Minsan rin pala ay ‘di mo na kilala ang aking mga labi.
Minsa’y parang totoo ang mga sinasabi.
Pero sana naman ay binasa mo ang aking mga mata,
At sana rin ay ika’y nakakakita.
Sana mabasa mo ako gamit ang iyong puso,
O,  hanap ng hanap, yun pala’y wala.
Hays, huwag na at baka ako ay umasa pa.
Bakit naman ako maghahanap ng mga bagay na wala na?
Kasi magmumukha akong walang utak,
Na hindi tinatanggap ang katotohanan.
Hindi mo naman rin ako kayang ipapasok sa mundo mo,
Nakapagtataka, ngunit napakagulo at napakakomplikado.
May minamahal man akong kapatid mo,
Minsan ay nadadamay sa sakit dahil sa’yo.
Ang puso ko ay nasa bawat isa...
Nasaan naman ang sa’yo? Wala ba?
Oo, ang puso ko ay nag-aalab sa mga apoy,
Ngunit nagmamahal kahit naususunog at nawawala na.
Oo, galit na galit ako pero mahal pa rin kita,
Kaibigan ko, ikaw nga ba ay isa?
Kaibigan ko, kailan ko ba masasabi ang aking nadarama?
Oo, ako’y minsan walang utak pero nagmamahal.
Walang utak, bulag, pero may puso parin.
Ayoko na masaktan, at ‘wag mo na ako papasukin...
Sa mundo **** parang kathang-isip lamang.
Oo, mga sinungaling at ako’y iyong pina-ikut-ikutin.
Huwag mo na lang ako muling paniwalain
At ‘wag na ring pagud-pagurin...

Kaibigan, paumanhin, ika’y dapat respetuhin.
Kailan ba akong pwedeng magalit?

Her face displayed a smile,
Her skin made out of false matters,
She painted herself in gold.
How beautiful where her skin,
Her skin striking in the sun,
The paint shone bright,
And inchmeal, she melts.
How could you paint
Plastic out of gold?
Have you dreamt of a world
Filled with her infamous thoughts?
Have you lived in a world
Where her existence
Is just a living nightmare?
Beings? Night terrors?
All because of a
toxic Barbie doll.

You sit by my wooden dresser
There in the corner of my bedroom.
Sweeter you look in front of me,
Than the way you chatter behind me.
Every piece I hold onto,
Thee steal and smirk...
Doing it as if I have not yet caught.
You loved taking my heart into your palm.
Breaking them into pieces
And would make ******* out of them.
What a waste for me to let you
Break it for me.

Call me bossy,
Maybe I’m just clever.
You could be so jealous
I guess I’m just smart.
Do you have those brains, too?
I’ve heard you had none.
You’re pulling me down,
While you had nothing to brag about.
The best of me,
Oh that crap of yours,
I give it my all,
While you had none.
Responsibility, what a word.
Recalling the first times,
You seemed to look innocent.
It was memorable
for you never liked me,
Neither did I.
“Best friend”?
It is such a believable name,
Isn’t it? But, I don’t remember it.
“Stop being my friend”
******, then leave me behind.
I would not be the one doing it for you.
Opening your diary,
While you never read mine.
You ask how I was,
I answered, “I’m fine.”
Your concern? Angelic yet fake.
Look now who’s a Barbie in her smile.
I  am not playing puppets,
I just knew what to do.
I just had a lot of things in mind,
Wishing you told me yours.
I saw those words you held against me,
“She’s this girl and she’s that.”
You little ******, don’t be such a brat.
My mother taught me gossiping is bad,
Why do you do it to me?
I looked like a villain
but I was just a victim.
Oh, I learned in my life...
How I could say “no”,
It is brave, little one.
And to learn is to never trust
And to never talk to a Barbie doll.

There we sit beneath the cherry blossom tree,
You were there, talking to me.
The silence, hearing the trees whispering.
We were spending all afternoon laughing.
I just wonder and I wanted to ask,
“Would I belong to you soon?”
“Would I ever have you?”
I wanted you to know and hear.
My heart brings off with no fear.
I wanted the way we used to be changed,
Not like how we are right now.
I wanted something  more if you allow.
Talk to my eyes, do you want it too?
The voices, I heard them in my head.
Talking to myself, forgetting the road ahead.
Every way I take, it leads me back to you.
Your smiles and the way you move are my sunshine.
Being with you makes me feel better than fine.
I forgot how the rain used to cover me.
I was never meant to leave you recklessly.
Until one day, I heard through the grapevines.
I was looking and hoping for a sign.
Fright drove my heartbeat swifter than the time I trusted you.
Why was I not given a cue?
Was I asleep when you told me?
Was I wishing you dreamingly?
Was I looking forward to the future
Of you caring and embracing me back?
You loved someone you believed,
You said she is undeniably stunning...
But, you did not have a chance to know her.
I had the time of loving you, it felt great.
I wondered, “Why did you refuse?”
Still, it was just right to forget right away.
Someday, the colours would slowly fade
Into a beautiful shade of gray.
The wretchedness would be an enduring mark...
To rather let the mark be the end of the world...
Or to look up to the shining sun and restart?
Someday, I would learn to love someone better.
Someday, I would be laughing at myself and say,
“What was the real reason why I loved you?”
Cause all I can think of was your foolishness.
I could have been dumb when I had you.
I used to laugh to our one-liners before.
We were just young naive kids.
(Now, I learned.....)
I was better off giggling with myself.
I was better off being with my friends.
I used to remember that tree,
It was where we used to sit.
Do you remember it too?
I know you had forgotten.
If you ever regret, do not return.
‘Cause you might be hanging your head the next time.
But you had been right, always right.
“Let go of the beautiful memory
When we used to sit beneath the cherry blossom tree.”

Pacing back and forth
All in empty space
Going in endless rounds
Can be my nightmares
Can be your daydreams
Can be sad beautiful fears
All the dreams, all big things
All the thoughtful prayers,
Wishing countless blessings
The little voice I owned,
I wish you would hear.
Crowds would scream your name,
Trust me, millions love you.
The crowds are your sea,
Sparkling in glee...

And I know, I know...
You might not return.
Hardwork equals to victory
That keeps me happy, too...
Right? I should be, I thought...

Difficult are the days
As I get space
Tighter it gets
To suffocate,
You're a ghost
Haunting me everyday,
Thinking I might mess up
But I'll tell you,
"Don't worry, it's okay.
I'll be just okay."
Fearlessness, I will show.
I fooled the world,
Worse of all, I fooled myself...
Of masks and shiny smiles

Perfect masks never match broken hearts
Cause I just miss you and I wish you know.
Repeating to myself,
" I know you'll come home.
I know you'll wait for me."
Hardly could wait for your return,
As this pain will vanish into air
As I get to meet your eyes once again.
Darling, it's 11:11pm...
And all I wish for everyday is you.
Before the sun sets,
I'll find myself right beside you.

There we sit beneath the cherry blossom tree,
You were there, talking to me.
The silence, hearing the trees whispering.
We were spending all afternoon laughing.
I just wonder and I wanted to ask,
“Would I belong to you soon?”
“Would I ever have you?”
I wanted you to know and hear.
My heart brings off with no fear.
I wanted the way we used to be changed,
Not like how we are right now.
I wanted something  more if you allow.
Talk to my eyes, do you want it too?
The voices, I heard them in my head.
Talking to myself, forgetting the road ahead.
Every way I take, it leads me back to you.
Your smiles and the way you move are my sunshine.
Being with you makes me feel better than fine.
I forgot how the rain used to cover me.
I was never meant to leave you recklessly.
Until one day, I heard through the grapevines.
I was looking and hoping for a sign.
Fright drove my heartbeat swifter than the time I trusted you.
Why was I not given a cue?
Was I asleep when you told me?
Was I wishing you dreamingly?
Was I looking forward to the future
Of you caring and embracing me back?
You loved someone you believed,
You said she is undeniably stunning...
But, you did not have a chance to know her.
I had the time of loving you, it felt great.
I wondered, “Why did you refuse?”
Still, it was just right to forget right away.
Someday, the colours would slowly fade
Into a beautiful shade of gray.
The wretchedness would be an enduring mark...
To rather let the mark be the end of the world...
Or to look up to the shining sun and restart?
Someday, I would learn to love someone better.
Someday, I would be laughing at myself and say,
“What was the real reason why I loved you?”
Cause all I can think of was your foolishness.
I could have been dumb when I had you.
I used to laugh to our one-liners before.
We were just young naive kids.
(Now, I learned.....)
I was better off giggling with myself.
I was better off being with my friends.
I used to remember that tree,
It was where we used to sit.
Do you remember it too?
I know you had forgotten.
If you ever regret, do not return.
‘Cause you might be hanging your head the next time.
But you had been right, always right.
“Let go of the beautiful memory
When we used to sit beneath the cherry blossom tree.”

We were silently sitting
In such a busy afternoon.
The silence, it was hitting me.
I never knew what would come too soon.
What happened, my only boy best friend?
The knowledge between us,
It will never be the same.
My blind eyes and blind heart,
I just loved only one.
Best friends are who we are.
We cannot take it far.
The difference of his and yours,
I cannot even see. I’m blind.
You were like twins,
But I was the reason why.
Why me? Why me? Why me??
Why, my loving dear friend?
Why me? Why me? Why me?
Nothing could have been happening,
Yet I’ve been worrying.
I’ve hurt you all this time.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I never went deeper and loved.
I loved the knowledge of us…
Being just friends.
Too bad, I loved you too,
I adored you, my friend.
And even wondered if…
You would love me back.
Even wondered if you know.
Even if you wanted to know.
But you don’t.... You don’t.
Cause I loved spending my time…
With you cause you always been there.
But, you don’t know.
If you see this, you might cry.
Please, leave you emotions
Like how your tears will dry.
Hoping you’ll forget me.
I don’t deserve your love.
I left and I left this love untold.
Cause what would you feel?
Cause, I confess that…
I cannot accept this truth. Just can’t.
My words are like knives.
I sharpen them whenever I don’t know.
I threw them blindly to the air...
Not knowing where it would hit.
Until, blood came out of your heart.
This is a game of love
Where only one prince and princess win...
Or nobody gets the crown.
And for you to win,
Just rise and love someone else back.
I’ll be happy even if my heart splits in two.
It all comes back. It really does.
“I loved the knowledge of being just friends...”
Love me but I shouldn’t love you back.
I’m sorry. I love you too,
But, I just can’t.
I’m sorry…

The atmosphere, so loud and lively
People dancing with some folk music,
My teacher came up to me
with a worried  face.
How nervous I was
to know about my mom's tears,
Wishing what I could have been thinking
is not the tragedy that could have happened.
Motions blurred in my mind,
wishing "don't let this happen to her"
She deserved her life.

I saw my mother's face,
her swollen eyes and her words broke,
"Your grandmother... she passed away."
There I stood on my ground,
I felt like it was about to fall.
The news repeating back and back again,
It was in my head.

Days turned lonesome,
so does my world, too.
Dad drove us to grandma's house,
Flashbacks were running in my head,
grandma's stories and lessons,
How she laughed filled my ears.
As soon as we've dropped,
I saw her walking up to me,
in thin air, it vanished
as if she flew away.

It was the very first time
we came home,
she never greeted me
with her normal self.
But, with a picture where she wore red
with her name on it...
Greeted me outside of her house.
The white flowers never withered
and there I came by
seeing a white and gold casket
waiting for me inside her house.
I saw her sleeping face with a smile,
as if I still saw her breathing her last breath.

Oh how I wish you waited for me
to be back home.
How much I loved to see you waiting
out there for me, grandma.
I even played the lyre for you,
even sang with my guitar for you,
even played the piano for you,
and I fixed my flute and it's already in tune.
But, I know it was too late for me to come by.

Wishing you waved your hand,
and told me you'll be gone for long.
Know that we love you
and we'll miss you forever.
Wishing you'd reply,
"we'll see each other soon, darling,
don't worry, I'm already fine up here."

Looking at your picture frames
filled with your smiles
Grandma, I miss you...
It won't feel the same
going back to grandma's house

There I sat alone with my friends.
Sitting quietly and thinking so much things...
That sometimes, I cannot even explain.
It was painful to hear the whispers,
They keep on reminding me your promises.
They keep on reminding me your words...
And they played like a movie before my eyes.
I am this princess that you should be saving.
I cannot even breathe without the air.
My heart only needs your love and care.
Wasn’t it that simple? Wasn’t it?
Why do you always have to lie about yourself?
Telling me how fine you’ve been,
But it was a lie. You were hurting.
The wounds you have always made you silent.
How tired you were made you silent.
Do you still have something left for me?
All I want is your words, they made me better.
But, you always let the chances go.
I lost them too cause we never hold tighter.
Why do you always have to lie about us?
You always tell we're fine.
Would I tell you the same?
Honestly, no. ‘Cause you’ll have to keep worrying.
It kills me all the time when you had to pretend.
Right now, you'll apologize
And keep on repeating your faults.
It all repeats again and again.
Sorry here and sorry there. It’s everywhere.
Faults, that's why we kept on falling apart.
Faults like the weakest lands that grew on change.
Faults, the lines that would break us apart...
Tells me that nothing would ever be the same.
When will you come back?
Because I’ve been dying...
Dying to hear your voice,
Dying to be held,
Dying to be in your arms,
Dying to tell you so much things you never heard.
Dying to hear from you...
Dying to be right beside you,
Dying to give all my time to you...
But you’d never come.
Every second comes to waste.
I wait for you, but when?
You tell me love me,
But you never show.
We were like lands,
The harder I try to love you,
The closer I try to get to you,
The more you live in my head,
We keep on moving apart...
It weakens us every time.
Was it my mistake? I’m sorry.
Maybe it’s the reason why...
The Queen of Hearts was unhappy.
Maybe it’s the reason why...
She hated love because it hurts.

Finally, they looked at me...
Noticing my face that screams
Because of pain,
Yet neither of them heard
Nor you did.
They asked me how I felt,
I smiled and gave my answer,
“I’m fine. Perfectly fine.”

I reached that high point,
happy but never satisfied.
"I could have defeated them,
I knew I should."

Then, there sparked the fury
that is stronger
than the ones
ignited before.

Looking up to those stars gleaming brightly,
Those planets plastered across the scene,
I never wondered how they can shine too,
Sublimely recalling the delicate times when
We stared at the same sky we used see.
But, it does not truly matter for now.

I wonder if you have found my name
There in those stunning constellations.
I wanted to tell you how I recognized yours.

I wanted to seek what is beyond those lights...
I breathed barely as my soul descends to the dark.

As I remember where we have been through,
I have never seen how the stars shone as bright
As how it used to shine before, they wrote your name.
They reminded me how better I was with you.

I spoke to you in my dreams last night,
I pondered if I still lived in your mind,
Like the ways my dreams used to be.
Do not let me watch you suddenly fade,
“Always”, such an inviting promiscuous word.

If I could rule over the stars tonight,
I would reach over the sparks, I would write our names,
See them shine over the pitch black darkness tonight.
Sit with me and watch them twinkle over our worlds.
I would stare into your eyes filled of wonder,
Here we are watching the galaxies’ colours collide.
I know, my love, I had nothing left to hide.
I watched your glittering starry eyes,
The most dazzling stars I have seen before me.

Distances believed we were just a dream,
What a beautiful truth it would become tomorrow.
But if I would wish for one thing tonight,
The only thing I would have wished for
Was to have me right beside you.

The world turned to dust,
I  just knew you were gone.
That heart made of glass
shattered into pieces,
Unhappiness broke in
I watched who I was
Gone, free, & forgotten...
In one blink, I neglected who I was.
I asked myself,
"Who was I before you walked in?"
I was wondering and thinking,
I was wandering the world for answers,
Asking people who used to know me
"Who was I? Who was I? Who was I?"
And I suddenly knew,
I was nothing and you made me feel
That I was everything.
Walking in the dimensions of time,
I watch your little chortle,
And just gave me a smile.
It was true and I knew
how you revealed the divergence...
What's satisfaction?
What is blue?
The way it was before,
It was cruel to leave
A loving heart,
Isn't it?
She gave everything
She wished you knew.
She would wish to see you smile,
And tell you she's fine
Whenever she feels the cold.

What a beautiful smile
That would conceal
All her scars beneath her sleeves
Oh, her eyes full of tears,
Swollen, living the depths of death.

I realized...
It was not your fault,
It was mine.
I believed once,
But never would again.

She wore her hood on,
Left red marks on her wrist,
How beautiful it is
To see the ocean floor beneath,
Picturing the deepening pain
That would pierce through her skin.

I’ve been wondering why you love broken pieces,
If we have to behold how this love ceases.
I’ve been sinking and drowning,
Love, my only air, I have to breathe.
Oh, Misery, I didn’t see you coming.
I’ve been wondering why you love broken pieces,
My heart was wounded up, beaten up, and bruised,
It can give nothing... Yes, nothing,
But the scream of my own agony.
I’ve been wondering why you love broken pieces,
When, someday, you have to leave me alone.
Time is running faster, even better than we do.
Someday, we will be done and finished.
Time is pursuing us, yet we did nothing...
But to hold onto things that can’t be ours.
I’ve been wondering why you love broken pieces.
Oh my soul, an inexplicable puzzle,
That you tried to fix and figure out.
You picked them up for me,
You reminded me,
You would always be there to make me smile,
When I break into a million pieces.
And you’ll be the one loving me for who I am.
I’ve been wondering why you loved me...
Cause, you knew that...
Someday we have leave and go.
But no matter how hard I try to leave,
I would always be coming back for you.
To you my heart shall belong....
You are my only beat,
I had become your only tune.
I will be the smile in your blue,
And will always be the one loving you
When you turn into broken pieces.

You will see and grasp,
Someday, your words will be running after you....
Someday you’ll remember...
Someday you’ll perceive...
Why I cherish broken pieces.

How lucky you are, darling, you are loved.
Loved by the universe, loved by the stars,
To only you, my only heart revolved.
A destined parting, written in mirth's scars.
A parting that never mattered to me,
Wishing you'd remember my votive love
has set thee broken, yet alive and free.

How lucky you are, darling, you are loved.
I chased you alone with a beating heart,
You cut my tongue and sadly felt unloved
Spent good times, instead it rips me apart.
I could fill a well water made by tears
Promises I say, only you shall hear.

How lucky you are, darling, you are loved.
As I discern cents weigh better than me.
Stood in a dark cloak, pretty and gloved.
And when gone, the universe would not see,
Oh, she was a ghost who loved me...
Oh a lesson learnt when she disappeared.

"How lucky you are, you have me,"
That is what they would tell to you.
But most of all, darling, smile.
Because how lucky you are,
You are loved.

The warmth of summer ended in a second,
School in June had already begun.
I saw a girl sitting shyly at the back row,
Wishing I could say, “hello” with a smile.
Hello was not just the thing in my head,
But, “Hello, can we be best friends?” How dumb.
Knowing I cannot force one to be just mine.
Small conversations started in a blink,
I just have the picture of us being best friends
Without paralyzed and blind, we already are,
On spur of moment, I realized we really are.
Oh, hello, childhood best friend,
Remember back when we were young?

Days were coming by, the closer we get to be,
Glitter was my addiction. Taylor Swift our fave!
Drawing and sketching as hobbies? Really? Same!
Boys, sometimes became our favorite topic.
Disney Princesses, my favorite characters.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
I like to be so many things, I can hardly tell.
What is your favorite this and that? This and that!
Our games and dream makeovers matter so much.
Oh, childhood, we are growing too fast.
When will you ever last? There came the time,
Now, you are already fifteen. Accept it or not.
While writing, I was singing this Taylor Swift song.

“Society’s words matter the most,”
that is what we believe in.
There were the groping and loud crowds,
Talking about the complications of human race,
The people seemed to be nobody to me,
They were all chasing fame and popularity,
Look at those girls in powder and gloss,
Were not they the ones we wished to be?
But, things change for good girls too.
There we laugh and talk about them.
I can tell they are sassy and mean…
How funny it was for you to feel the same for me.
It was like you held my heart all the time,
How can you read me like your novels?
You read them because you love how stories go.

I remembered the times when we wrote poetry together,
It was not that hard, it was fun and exciting…
I hope we can make those things again.
Going back to that place, full of dramas.
It was silly, but other things matter from now on.
Boys do, sometimes, but not really.
Friends first, right? Forever and always.

There came the month of silence and war,
The noise I was not hearing with my ears,
Battles were like diamonds against diamonds.
Exists in my head, loud and they made me deaf…
They keep reminding me of what we had before.
I knew I cared less, I was blind, shame on me.
What was I thinking really? How dumb.
Matters changed for the both of us,
We finally cared for who we had become.
Love pulled us back together and sewed our broken hearts
Those letters, sweet and sincere peace offerings…
Sewing back the torn fragile pieces together,
Writing about when we were young.

What are dreams? Who do we want to be?
Here I am right now, writing another poem,
Wondering if they would be the ones you like.
You are this girl, who would draw so much,
Sketch everyone else close to her heart.
Your drawings were you r mind’s imaginations,
There you brought them to life.
The way you see world how they can be.,
How beautiful just the way you are.

I remembered everything back then when we were eight,
You used to shyly sit on your seat and sketch,
Now I hear your voice in my ears,
Your stories changed, not the way they used to be.
Sometimes, even your silence talked to me.
They told me how your day was going on.
My eyes would tell so many things,
I wonder if you saw them talk to you.
“Hey, I am here for you. Do not worry.
I care too, sometimes I do not show much.
But if you would let me, I would,
My whole best.”
You thought of being a little part of this earth,
But you had never seen who you are in my world.
But look deeper and you would remember,
Who we were when we were young.

When I was a child,
I acknowledged what happy means,
It was all when I was younger,
Hugging a bear in pink pajamas,
Mom and dad would kiss me goodnight
Mornings used to be brighter and sunny
Afternoons would remind me of playgrounds,
And at night, stars would pierce through the dark.

I grew and grew and grew,
The months and years passed.
And I'd knock at the door in noon,
Kiss my mom's cheeks, "I'm home, mom."
We read books together and I learn a lot.
And learning as I walk through my path,
It seemed strange, really different
As they let go of the grip I used to hold on.

Maybe it meant freedom, I thought...
Was to be "on my own" real freedom?
Is this the solitude that confuses everyone?
Joy is far cry from despair, this is being content,
Now I comprehend, wish I really understand.
And I was a young bird taking off from her nest.
Here I am trying to fly as time flies, too.
And I'd get a little lonlier everyday...
Thinking where would I fly if this ain't home
And all I know is I'm lucky.

Little did I know now,
I have grown a bit from yesterday...
A little bit new from a new day.
I used to know what happiness is,
Did I really know what it meant?
I asked myself and heard no answer.
I thought it was much simpler than I thought.
I thought of dresses on me, cold weathers,
Thought of sweets, 12-hour heavy sleeps,
Thought of love stories and happy endings in books that never existed in real life.
Never did they exist as long as you live.

But those things will never be enough
to satisfy me forever.
I know, I have grown and I was younger back then.
I was the little princess who instantly gets
what she wants back then.
I was the little princess who never knew hard work until she strived hard for something.
Little did I realize how hard it is to take it,
The more I age, the more it slips out of my hands...
And there, I come to its reach.

Happiness isn't something you buy,
But darling, it is something you earn.
It is something you learn from and gain.
A little time with your favorite company is
The first thing that would pop in my head.

Freedom isn't being happy but being right.
It is something worth fighting for,
Until your voice is heard through the people's chaotic and rebellious screams.

And love, a word I have never known when I was young... Until it taught me to smile truly.
Love is something you can't define.
As they define, they just got closer to it its meaning.
Never did they get to touch the word itself.
But, they felt it with it alone.

Ten years ago, I cried over stolen toys I'm tired of playing at my age now.
And now, I cry over things that I knew really matter and I'd never get tired of forever....
I'd cry over bad decisions, trying to get up from my fall as I tried to clean all scars...
Knowing there are more that matters and are worth saving...
Knowing there are things I'd better let go.

And little did I know I grew when I learn,
Little did I know the years as they passed by.
And, happiness is a choice, they'll tell.
And if it was yours, pass it on.


May 21, 2019
7:34-7:40pm
Edited version

This night's been cold,
this night's been warm
bringing me back to a memory
of a summer's parting.

So difficult as it left a trace.
The sun could have risen,
Everyday, I become someone different,
Someone else, 'til I never realized...

How I've lost "me".

I've been blindly in love,
With someone who sees me.
I've been blindly in love...
Like Cupid and Psyche.
I don't have to see,
To imagine and believe...
Cause what's inside truly matters.
What's essential always comes first.
I've been blindly in love,
Yes, I am and I know.
I'll never let you go...
Through the beautiful paradise
And through the darkest roads,
I'll be there walking with you.
I'll always tell you,
"I'm always here to stay."
I'll be giving colour...
To your shades of gray.
To always remind you,
"That's what I'm here for."
I've been blindly in love,
With the way you laugh,
With the way you talk,
With the way you smile...
With your warm embrace,
Reminds me of the place.
I've been blindly in love,
I'm always here to tell you...
That always, I love you so...
Promise me you'll never forget,
That you always know,
I don't have to see to believe...
I've always been yours,
Even if I've been blindly in love.

There you are, three steps away from me
There our eyes met slowly in the middle
I hardly noticed your presence minutes ago
I’d turn away as if I never intended to do this

There you are, three steps away from me,
Denying I felt something when we were in the room
I sat at the corner of this crowded place
You came in as if something has to bloom.

There you are, three steps away from me
We’ve been in this side before, lost in crowds,
The only difference a year and eight months from now is...
I was once the one beside you.

There you are, three steps away from me.
There I’d find you in a short long distance,
It’s hard to walk there at your place,
I’d rather run miles away from that smile I used to know

There you are, three steps away from me...
I am seeing an invisible wall
You’re painted on it
Oh hello, aren’t you the stranger I used to know?

There you are, three steps away from me,
Still can’t believe I couldn’t walk up to you.
Even just to smile and say a little hello
Even just to ask how you’ve been all this time

There you are, three steps away from me.
Can’t believe I’m writing ‘bout you
A year and eight months from now
Realizing you still mattered to me somehow.

Where is happiness?
Where were they found?
Were they found from the times
you made me smile?
Were they found from the times
you gave me your warmest embrace?
Where? Where? Where?
It is because today becomes yesterdays.
And tomorrow becomes todays.
I’m living in this cell,
There I counted the days...
And I had written it at the walls.
There I drew your face out of stones.
Remembering the last time I saw you.
Cause it was so long back then...
And I was waiting, but you never came.
Will you hear me right now?
I forgot that you never felt me
Like you used to do before.
Never even heard me
Like I used to believe
That you’re one call away.
These cold walls I kept touching,
Sensing for the warmth of hope.
But, it’s all gone. All gone.
These bars got colder,
Frost covered the walls.
I was wondering,
Why would I get locked up
It burdens me and it kills me.
Somewhere I had to feel so much?
Why would I live in this bitter prison cell?
Another place where I had never been so well,
Maybe this is the sentiment when you’re gone.
Locked up in your heart, yet had been forgotten.
Do you still have my photographs?
Do you still keep them in your pocket?
Do they still remind you of how we used to be?
Do you still have the letters I sent you before?
Do you still read them back and back again?
Do they remind you of me?
It told you how much I miss you...
Also how much I love you.
But, I don’t have to await
If you show me how I should walk away.
Were our promises kept?
Promises were just strong words
That motivated us up there,
However, had dragged us down.
Where were your letters? In my hands.
Where were your pictures? In my phone.
Where were you? Lost but found in my heart.
Where was I? Lost and never found,
But living in a dark and bitter prison cell.
Is it still us? Or became you and me?
No matter how cold, I’ll stay.
But, save me. Look for me. I need you.
Seek for me. Seek for me. Seek for me.
Darling, my love, find me in your memory.

Words were like flowers,
In time they shall wither.
Here, I shall speak my soul.
For some of my thoughts are untold.
I am frightened. Shall I lift up my fear?
For my pains and secrets will unfold.
Soon the wounds of our pain will cease,
Not every word that comes forth my mouth would please.
In our broken pieces, we learn.
Lessons of love shall our hearts earn.
But, believe me, nothing lasts forever.
But remember that I would take my time loving you.
Love was like a flower,
Soon will its blossoms wither.

If you are war,
Then I am peace.
If you are coffee,
Then I am cream
Love is sugar,
It makes us sweet.

When you are down,
I would dive to catch you.
If you heart crashes,
And breaks into pieces,
Then I would glue them altogether
Even if it takes time.

When the sun rises up,
All because of your smile’s trace
The roses would blossom
As the light colors your face
I would be purely happy
As you are,  too.

No matter how busy I could be,
I wanted to tell you,
“You are the one I value the most.”
Do not worry about me, I’m fine.
My pain does not matter much to me anyway.
It would be always for you.

Just wanting to give you something
Receive and keep it for me, love.
My heart is like the shining sun,
But my love for you
Reaches the ends of the universe.


These are the little things
You do for  love.

I’ve been hearing echoes in my head,
I walked and followed the trace,
Listening to them, the whispers said,
“I need you here... right now.”
They led me to a door, it opened.
I went in and there I sat.
They told me stories that were familiar.
Suddenly, the more I hear, the more I feel.
An emotion I can never conceal,
I finally remembered and shed a tear.
They waited me to say a word until I asked,
“Is he still there... still caring?”
Speaking like I had someone beside,
I woke up in my day dream.
I asked the girls,
“Oh, the voices, voices, and whispers
Did you hear them anywhere?”
They shook their heads in a silent no.
Confusion was what their faces show.
I finally recognized,
They’re the voices living in my mind.
At last I realized,
It was merely me.

The warmth of December turned cold,
No more events for us to wait
what is Christmas without her?
Joy turned into agony,
losing the spirit of Christmas once more.
Days felt like years have passed
Summer's colors turned plain,
looking back in that sky,
And you're name crosses our minds,
Oh how we wish, we would always wish....
Wish that you're already with Him.