It’s easy to blame
the parent that was never there.
It’s easy to remember
waiting at the gas station
with a full back pack for a dad who never came.
It’s easy to see
how a girl seeks a love
where she has to prove her worth
because it was never validated
by the one man who should of.

But it is even harder to forgive herself
for being angry
with the mother who was there,
on a single income,
taking the time to raise
the child that he didn’t.

Even though when it came to her love,
she picked the men
who didn’t even want her daughter
because she was a reminder of the past
without them.

It’s hard to accept that mom
was also that same starved girl
looking for a love that was unconditional,
only to find herself in a room full of conditions,
the ones that said “it is either me or her. ”
Only if she realized
that unconditional love
was staring at her calling her mom.

What is hardest is  
she always chose them.

Sitting at the gas station,
twenty years later,
staring at my packed bag,
I wonder why we keep being told
“they are still human.”
But weren’t they still parents?

I didn't get to say goodbye.
Again.

Not in the way I wanted to.

Not in the way that made clear as the glass
you shattered,
that this
was temporary.

Not in the way that I could promise you that every firing neuron in that beautiful brain
lights up your eyes
like shooting stars.
You think like the sky.

Not in the way that came anywhere near answering WHY?

Not in the way that stitched every I love you on the tip of my tongue together
into so big a blanket
I could swear,
you would never feel cold.

Not in the way that apologizes for maps making miles into inches
that should only equal minutes
But you realize once you're in it,
wading through the hearts that could never find their way,
objects on maps are further than they appear.
Much like the face that i see in the mirror.

I wish I was there.
I wish you were here.

I hope you don't hate me

But I'm grateful to the sea.

For catching you gently
before rocking you to sleep
in the arms of a stranger
who in saving you,
saved me.

Like I am grateful to light
and time
and airbags
and the dark side of miracles.  

I am not a religious person.

But if you dont believe in guardian angels,
then I have to believe in mine.

Because I,
sellfishly,
cannot lose you
one
more
time.

My heart knows my throat like the inside of it's cage
because that is where it found you,
where I find it when I sit
and I miss you,
warming the words I always said I'd say.

So until I do,

stay.

If it makes the space seem smaller,
I have written you so many unsent letters
that if I lay every word down end to end
I could build you a bridge
that wrapped three times around the moon
So we could at least pretend,
I'd see you soon.

A bridge,
strong enough to hold you
and the fifty tons of memories
that ware you like waves,
Crashing against your ribs
in a storm
Where no heart is safe.

I'm sorry you wake in sandy sheets
That no matter how high you climb
there's a beach at your feet.

But not a single broken piece of you
will ever be sand
no part of your spirit
was made from this land.

You are one hundred percent sky
spread between two precious hands

And I'm just a star,
who followed a bridge to the moon.
I'll see you soon.
I'll see you soon.

I still feel your lips on mine,
your hands on my hips,
and hear your words
in my head.
All I want to say is
goodbye
and yet,
it’s like you never left.

I wonder
what it is like to think
clearly,
to focus,
to be free of distraction.
My thoughts are constantly,
interrupted
by your voice,
your touch,
and my memories
of a life that once was
and a dream of what could have been.
Often, my mind wants to lock the door
so you can no longer walk in,
but the hallucinations are too addicting.