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fiachra breac Mar 2018
Home -
That's where we went on your birthday.
It didn't quite fit though, did it?
Because Home was right in front of me,
and four thousand miles away.

You tried to make it work,
and maybe I had given up,
but now I'm left unfettered,
and floating on til -

Yet home was far away,
and Home had never been closer.

I've been back too long
to miss my home,
but long enough to lose
Home.
i don't normally put this many up, but i ended up going through my drafts and decided it was time to air poems from ages ago that i never quite published - better out than in and all that. i also think i have a chronic fear of redacting parts of my life, and i find a strange beauty in painting my happiest moments alongside my mostly deeply shameful. a patchwork quilt of human experience - or maybe just a pretentious, very depressed teenager with no other outlet that is safe
fiachra breac Mar 2018
go maithe dia dom é!
is peacach mé,
agus tá bás uaim.

le do thoil,
sábháil dom uaim féin.
i tried it in english and i don't know if you heard, so here it is as Gaeilge because that's the language you made my heart speak.

god forgive me!
I am a sinner,
and I want death.

please,
save me from myself.
fiachra breac Mar 2018
why
was it worth it?
to feel something? just for ten ******* minutes,
to feel something?

i can't look at you, Conchúr,
you repulse me.
every crocodile tear and shark-*******-smile,
with your smug little laugh,
and your meaningless words -

you weave them together,
constructing vast fantasies and empty promises -
how many people have you trapped,
in your wide and selfish net?

oh! but you've always been so good with words.
and may that be the death of you,
because you deserve hell for your sins:
one eternity is not black enough for creatures like you.

lies, lust, pain - that's your bread and butter.
you never were good at much else,
but ****** you are good at hurting
those around you, the ones who care.

she was right to get rid of you,
especially when she did,
because look how far you've come!

when was it... only last night you tried again,
didn't you? you thought no one was looking,
but they all have eyes, and someone will find out.

they'll see your scars (remember to keep it below the belt next time, buddy, okay?),
or they'll see the blood (god, how it gushed after all that dancing - i thought you were a goner),
or they'll find your pathetic little poems,
gathering dust on some forgotten corner of the internet,
where your heart is too bare,
and its blackness is plain to see.

what then? will it be worth it then?
to express something? just to try and put your life in words,
to express something?

"oh look at you, you poor thing,
you've been so hard done by..."

*******.

this is your fault,
and you deserve every last ounce of hurt.
god, i don't know what else i am to do. how did i end up like this? what happened to me?
fiachra breac Mar 2018
Tangled bodies on a sofa
on the wrong side of town
Telling stories from when we last met -

Too close?
Shared experiences, shared regrets -
Feelings that only we both seem to get.

You move first, pulling my face to yours,
Do we stop? No,
I go down,
On this strange sofa on the wrong side of town.
———————————————————
Shared desire,

Bodies heaving against each other

Bodies looking for souls
Souls in need of bodies
Using each other to feel something again
In a shared pursuit of meaning
———————————————————
Be it cosmic self-harm,
Or existential release,
In this most intimate of mistakes,
I feel strangely at peace.
———————————————————
this is not what i do...
fiachra breac Mar 2018
And things had never been so good!
Well, that's what I was supposed to say.

I had broken months before,
But I was too frightened to let you in.
So as we came together,
Something else joined us there.

I'm afraid that I went first,
and strayed further than we meant to,
But something took a hold of us,
And suddenly we were spiralling

Further and further from our intended path
until we crash-landed:
bodies, exposed,
souls, in tatters,
us, in ruin.
I don't really know what happened to me in Kiwoko - I fear I never will, but Sasha I am so sorry for the person I returned as. Long distance was harder than I expected and I wish I had been better for you. I should have listened to you and your mum, and just come home, but I didn't, and I paid the price for that when we went too far and it broke us apart.
fiachra breac Mar 2018
just know that as you drew me
(close)
you took a piece of my soul

and as you held me
(close)
I lost my heart in yours

so now we're at our close,
I will never again be quite
whole
*** is scary and I look back at our time together with fear.
friend, i hope you are okay
fiachra breac Feb 2018
tá brón orm...

I'm sorry,
but, God, there is a sadness on me.

I know you have begun your move on,
and I promise I am happy for you -
but I have more work left in my heart
agus dúnéaltach mór.
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