this isn’t going to make sense
cause it’s not supposed to
and if I’m being honest
this isn’t for you
it’s not even for me

I’m stuck
I’m trapped
I’m lost
I’m every other word that describes people who feel at a dead end

I’m typing on a ****** phone
That’s connected to a ****** connection
That could possibly be a metaphor for my life

I’m writing
Because I don’t know what else to do

I’m writing
Cause that’s what they told me to do

But they also told me that what I think isn’t always true
That I’m special and I just don’t see it

But that’s the thing
I don’t see it

And if I don’t see it then why should it matter if anyone else does

And if I’m thinking something why should it matter if it’s true

What matters is that it’s in my head
What matters is that it’s always there

But here I am
Stuck in the same place
Back to square one
No progress made
The same questions, whether true or not

Will I amount to anything?
Do I really help?
Am I really worthwhile?
Do you actually care?

I see these people
When I’m online
They smile and post
They edit and pose

I can’t help but wonder

Do you really smile, or do you just do it to look happy like me?
Do you really feel happy, or are you trying to lie like me?
Do you understand what I feel?

Or is it just me?

I’m not trying to be selfish
I don’t want a lot
I just want to be happy
And I want others to be happy with me
But neither is happening

So instead there’s a poem
That doesn’t even ryhme
That makes no sense
  I’ll try harder

You’re almost there
You’re almost pretty enough
Almost funny enough
Almost lovable enough
But
Not quite
Keep working
Keep selling your soul
Keep running till you can’t stand
And maybe
Just maybe
You’ll get there

Almost

I've tried so hard to write
a poem just for you
                                                                 but once the pen hits the paper
                                                          the words, get dry, they disappear
                          
                             every motion, every second,
                                          everything  
                               is slowed down to a pause

                            i'm lost in this universe
                                         that's lacking all things you

even at the thought
or briefest mention
of you
                                                                             i'm back at the moment
                                                        when my life was forever changed
                                  
                                     i can't write,
                                    i won't write
                    
                         because it will never justify
                      all the things that make you good
                      all the things that make you, you

                             i regret so much
                                 yet there's nothing i can do

if i knew there was only so much time
   i would have tried more, done more
                          
                                                                             lived more
                                                                             loved more

but now i'm stuck
in this moment
that isn't
                                                                                                       with you

two people
sit across from each other
they act like they're in love
but they are not in love
two children
who try to be adults
attempt to listen
but they're not listening
two lovers
struggling to live
take it one day at a time
one son
one mother
try to understand
but ignorance is not given
to those who won't understand
one dreamer
young and naïve
she's gonna change the world  
she just doesn't know it yet
    the man in the corner
    is sipping his coffee
    but he doesn't like it
    he prefers tea
        the woman over there
        is writing a novel
        she's been writing
        for three weeks
            the elderly woman
            is always alone
            almost as though
            she's waiting for another
               and the waitress
               is just trying pay
               the bills that are due
               the next day

every life is a movie
and everyone's got their struggles

but it's just another day
at the Blueside Society Cafe

Imagine
Close your eyes
Think about a place

Without flaws
No imperfections
And no mistakes

Where society runs smoothly
And the government without flaw
No needed money to make you happy
You live life without a cost

No crimes and no theft
All live together in peace
Murders and hate, there is none left
Humanity has reached its peak

The death and decay that roamed before
And vanished without a trace
With goodness and life in its core
The world is without mistake

How do we get there?
To that place
Does it even exist?

Or are we all
So far from perfect
That this dream will never happen

she just had a wish
she just had a hope
she just had a prayer

she just didn't know

she would trade her soul
she would break her heart
she didn't want the whole world
she just wanted in your part

she did everything she could
she sold everything she owned
guess it wasn't enough
for she was left alone

did she not wish hard enough?
not pray the right prayer
was it never meant to happen
should she just not care?

she just hopes that you're happy
                                                                ­                          even if she's not

Can we just go back to that one time?
To a time when things were so much simpler.
Let's go back to that phase when you were mine.
When you and I were reckless and younger.
We were restless and hungry to break rules.
Pushing the limits was what we did best.
Looking back, we were really just two fools.
Fools in love, but fools nonetheless.
We both made mistakes, we both had our faults,
We both didn't do things completely right.
But we both stuck it out, went through it all.
Just couldn't beat the ticking clock of time.
     In the end, no matter how hard you try
     Your first love will haunt till the day you die.

why
can’t we just
be k i n d

just
take a second
to appreciate
that we’re not alone

just
wait a minute
and remember
all those times people were kind to us

and just
spend a lifetime
to repay
what can never be repaid

we’re all just human
flesh and bone

though not the same origin
still the same soul

we’re all just sinners
saved by grace

all under different beliefs
all different kinds of race

why can’t
we just
be

k i n d ? ? ?

my hands are cold

but the rest of body's fine

i feel so old

even with this young heart of mine

i try so hard not to think about you all the time

but you make it even harder

when you

smile

knuckles bleeding
drip down
to the ***** bathroom floor
rose petals
and diamonds  
across the black and white tile beneath my feet
the bitter taste of defeat
sitting on
the tip of my tongue

eyes travel upwards
to where it used to be
dull eyes
sallow skin
yellow teeth
a corpse
i see in front of me

the corpse meets its empty eyes towards mine
a knowing smirk on its face
taunting

"i am you and you are me"

blind rage
and fury
only wanting to destroy
a craving for a feat

the dead eyes
show no emotion
but still they glimmer
with this sort of obscenity
knowing full well
of the agony created
with the waxy blue lips and destruction
caused by the skeletal limps

malice is all this monster knows

"i cannot be you, this cannot be me'

i try to look away but
the corpse is all i see
shuttering images
of the nails,
the lips,
the teeth

i grab the dagger i see before me
smashing the image
slaying the beast
till it's nothing but glittering diamonds
till i taste the blood between my teeth

knees weak
salty tears
and crimson rivers
the corpse smiles

"i am you and you are me"

I am but a memory that never replays

A broken record in a dusty attic

And there it stays

oh look
how cute
you actually think that people like you
that people want to spend time with you

do you really think you're that special?
you can't possibly be serious
nobody likes you
you spend your days whining and feeling sorry for yourself
who would want to be around that?

you're ugly
and alone

maybe if you work at it
try to hide the hideous scars

maybe if you change yourself
become someone who's more fun  

maybe if you never say no
maybe if you give them everything
you can't be disappointed
if you don't expect anything

than maybe
juuuust maybe
but i don't know
perhaps some people are not meant to be loved
or even liked
and you are one of those lucky few

but keep playing at it ***
it's sure entertaining to watch

tell me something sweet to hear
play that music that drowns your fear
play that jazz that swings and slides
and the rock n' roll that never dies

we can listen to the classic songs
by the Beatles and Elton John
just pick your poison and album too
whatever it is I'm down to do

no matter the soundtrack, I want you here
I'll be singing the words if it keeps you near
so roll down the window and let down your hair
let's never forget these nights we share

i despise that feeling
and yet it's one i know so well  

now a familiar friend
with a cold embrace
it's painful, but in a way it gives release  

i pour out my being at your feet
giving you every last part of me
from the sour
to the bittersweet

perhaps i'm far too broken
to be loved like the rest
to even ask for a love
is something too much to ask

a hopeless romantic
this i cannot deny
but with each heartbreak that becomes me
that small part of me dies

a bitter old woman with no lover to share
only weathered photographs along with distant memories

is that going to be me?

living with the pain of loving you without you loving me

tell me just this

did i at least make you happy?
even just a second?
was there any moment you felt complete?

did i do to you the same, as you had done to me?

if only you were the one
for with you
there was a moment
when home was within your arms
and your love met every need

but once again alone
with that feeling

i'm driving alone

alone again

lights are flashing

again and again

i see your face
lightened by the passing cars and
the streetlights
of 3 AM

i'm so tired of being alone
feeling as though
i am not known
to anyone
but me

glass shown
see through
unknown

you don't see me
and god i wish you cared
but i do

i wish i didn't
i wish i didn't
i wish i didn't

but i do
again and again

i keep caring for your apathetic glance
and your swaggering stance
for something
that doesn't even stand a chance

i'm driving alone

again and again

by now i'm used to it

again and again

and one of these days
i won't see your face

perhaps it will be another
all i know is that it will be replaced

or perhaps not one at all
just the lights of 3 AM
again
and again
and again

they met every week,
and sang the songs they knew by heart
they closed their doors, and shut out the world
at least, for an hour or two

they knew each other well,
considered them friends and even brothers
they may not have had anyone else
but they always had one another

they told each other secrets, but never their own
sure, they made mistakes, but they weren't like the others that lead lives of vanity
no, they were good

they sacrificed pleasure, and even their dreams
to appeal to a force more powerful than them
and if a brother was going astray,
they were quick to snap him back to the right path,
or to gently push him outside their doors

they were just
they always did what was right even if it was hard
for they believed in black and white,
right and wrong
they believed in fair punishment

if it meant shutting out their own son
they were more than willing to do it

they loved each other,
they tore each other apart.

everything stands right in front of me.
all of my hopes, all of my dreams.
all that i hoped is now within reach.
this was all i ever wanted.

i worked so hard.
i got so far.
this was all i ever wanted,
but it’s still not enough.

i should be happy,

but i’m not.

so i stand back and watch the fruit rot.

it's everything and nothing all at once.
what has happened, and what’s to come.
the ones still here, the ones that are gone.
i see them all, all at once.
the secrets found out, the ones never told.
eventually, they’ll all turn into ghosts.
and i’ll join them in their ghoulish parade.
then, maybe then, things will be ok.

i proved it to myself.
i proved it to them all.
i got everything i wanted.
i got nothing at all.

times arrow will move forward and keep marching on.
i'll stand back and with my fruit i'll rot.
it's everything and nothing all at once.

The images of who I used to be
Fluttering, slipping through my very fingers like
Fine salt and sand
Perhaps they were never mine to begin with

Not the images of who i used to be but
Images of who I desperately wanted to be
Of whom i never was
Which begs to ask

Who am i then?

Will i ever find you?

There’s a heavy statement laying on my throat,
Stopping my speech but not my incessant thoughts

Do i want to find you?

You see, I often look in the mirror, looking for the layers underneath,
The meaning and beauty often found within, but
My fear is, no layers will ever be found, that all there is is
The emptiness watching me back with void eyes

Do i want to find you?

Devoid is what i feel when alone, a sense of not being enough to withstand what is normally withstood,
Loneliness has, at times, been my only friend

Do i want to find you?

I find in my books the people that I want to be,
Filled with a passion and pride that I can never seem to find but,
They must have something right

I find in the eyes of others who i want to be,
Those that sparkle with a sort of desire,
A true sign of being in love with the present, with life
I see this beauty that can’t be found within my own
What do they have that i don't?

Perhaps it was misplaced? I lost it along the way.
Perhaps it was never something i had in the first place
Perhaps I am to only find this sparkle within the eyes of others, never my own
Perhaps it is selfish to want it for myself

Do i want to find you?



Alone,
But you are with me
both of us wish to be somewhere else

Alone,
Do you want to be found?
Or is it better to pretend you don’t exist?

Alone,
You stare back at me,
Defiance, is that what I see?

Or perhaps this is your way of mocking me?

To dare i think that there’s something deeper under my skin
There’s nothing but bone, bone, bone
nothing but me, me, me
Nothing more

The images of who i thought i was

A mask i wore well for so long

I had even fooled myself into the role

The mask is as deep as it gets

The truth that i wish to avoid
I’ve known you my whole life, but I don’t know you

What a poor lover i am indeed

Will you, along with the others, also leave?

They all leave, eventually
There’s no reason to stay  
Wallow in self pity and
The infantile need
Stay stay stay stay please
If not just for a few more moments
Stay with me, please
just don't leave me

Images of you
Images of me
Images of those that would’ve stayed
If I wasn’t me

Flashing
Camera roll shots

If only I wasn't me

Lovers
Friends

If only I wasn’t me

The sparkle in your eyes in mine as well,
We glimmer as we speak

If only I wasn’t me

You lean in and I do too, no rush
Knowing there’s a lifetime ahead of us to explore what we desire

If only i wasn’t me

Your hug being one those that keeps me warm
I find myself coming back to see your glimmer

If only I wasn’t me

I believe you words, your motives
You mean it when you say you love me

If only I wasn’t me

But i know better

How can you love what I cannot bear?
I won't hold it against you

Things would be different
If only i wasn't me


Images
Of the person that I’ll never be
Of the people that i love
Of the lovers that leaved

The love that i could never find for myself
Rests within your hands
Do with it what you please

I’ll be here with the images
Alone,
With me me me me me me me me me me

i wish to be apart of your universe
not the whole of it
i wish to be a passing thought
even if it's just for a little bit
i don't want your world to revolve around me
i'm content to be a star
a name you think of within your day
even when i'm far
as long as i'm apart of your memories
it will be all be fine to me
and as long as when recollecting
my face is one you'll see
even long after, i'm no longer here
i hope my voice is something you'll hear
i hope i'm not this passing voice
a distant call or a fleeting choice
i don't want want to be a shadow within your mind
i want to be vivd as you are in mine
i'm not asking your world or even your love
i'm asking if my presence will be enough

will you remember me?