Sweaty palms*
That's what I have as I walk around the mall.
My eyes dart everywhere, looking for anyone looking for me.
******* ******* *******

I feel like a duck in water
Everything on the surface is calm and composed
But secretely I am freaking out
On the inside

I feel the uncomfortable stab of the box
I placed in my pants
To hide it from everyone
A thing for myself

I was craving it again today
And I caved in*

I know that some day I'll have to repay
I can't deny

I promise I will repent
One day...

...and until then
I'll satisfy my cravings.

One solo to write
Two upcoming performances
Three half days
Four core classes
Five hours of school
Six semester exams
Seven different teachers
Eight cups of coffee
Nine hours of sleep
Ten minutes of free time
Eleven smiling faces
Twelve bars of music to memorize

....and I am not doing a thing!

By this time next week
I will either be loving life
               Or hating it

I will take a chance
Much like the chance I took
               Ages ago it seems

The chance that
****** me up
                For nearly two months

This chance can
**** me up
                  For forever

So by this time next week
I will either be writing happy poems
                   Or frustrated poems.

This Saturday will decide.

A little place
Named The Outpost
Was where I spent
Fourteen months of my short life
Two thanksgivings,
Two Christmases,
And my fourteenth birthday
All spent there
In the place that was my home
When I had no home.

I spent my whole eighth grade year there
And half of my ninth
In that ghetto little motel room
With the rest of my family
With its dark green carpet
Later on replaced for a pale peach
And the one bed my parents shared
And the one couch I called mine
And the floor my brother slept on
When he wasn't elsewhere
Yes,
It was very cramped
One room to the four of us
And it was horrible
Not having any privacy
Always having to deal with my parents
No escape
But I'm grateful for that ***** little motel room
Now that days are better
I'm grateful that I was able to learn
And be grateful for my current home
A small, cheap house
But nonetheless a mansion
Compared to the earlier mentioned

See,
Some people are put into trials
And they come out
With hardened hearts
But I came out
With gratefulness and understanding
Of the rough world around us all
And I know, it's tough
It's really really tough
But you know what?
Those fourteen months were hell
But I'm still here;

If I could do that,
Then you could overcome your trials and tribulations

I believe in you.

If you were to ask me
How I would describe myself
With two words
That's what I'd say

Man, I can't shake this feeling
An almost excruciating emotion I have for you that
Remains on my mind.
Something tells me you're feeling it too, but
How could it be? I
Almost think I'm delusional. I
Lack qualities most look for. How could someone
Like you love someone like me?

I'm being torn in two
My two halves are fighting again

The good side
The Mormon girl
She wants to be righteous
She wants to do all that she is supposed to
Stay on the path
Be worthy
Be active in the church
Go to BYU
Meet a return missionary
Get married in the temple
Start a family
Have five or so kids
Grow old
Stay in the church
And die
Knowing she raised a good Mormon family

And then there's the bad side
The rebel
She wants to do want she really wants
She wants piercings
She wants tattoos
She wants to be radical
Live her own life
Without consequences
From those Above
Go to college...elsewhere
Meet someone like her
Get married on the beach
(Or not at all!)
Maybe have a family
Couple kids
And live her days
Rebelliously
Enjoying her days
Not caring for tomorrow

And each side
Have their ups and downs

So

       Why

                 Not

                          Both?

And that's where my struggle lies
And how to combine the two
Nearly opposite sides
Into one
Imperfect whole
And that's what I'll be doing
For the rest of my days
Until I die
After I die
Is combine my two halves
And make one
And make Me

You've got a heart of gold


While I'm pure pyrite

Hey honey
I know I may not know you very well
But I care.
I know what happened to you
It's been plastered all over the news
I know what the ******* did
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you had to lose your mother.
I'm sorry your family has been torn apart.
That **** just ain't right.
And I don't know what it's like
The inside looking out
But on the outside looking in
I hope your mother rests easy
And your step-father burns eternally.
And I just want you to know:
If you need ANYTHING,
Come by, please.
We may not know eachother very well
But well enough to talk.
Please, don't be silent
I need your words
You need to vocalize
And if you're not ready
That's fine too
But I'm always here
And don't ever forget
You have a wonderful family here
With 300 of us,
We got you.
Just talk with any of us
I promise you
We will listen, we will care.
We love you.
Don't be silent.

1/28/14

Beauty.

What is beauty?
What is it?
Is it a color?
Is it a pattern?
Is it a state of mind?
What is it?
How do I get it?
Can I buy it?
What is beauty?
What do they mean when they say it's the same as pretty, or handsome?
What are those?
Are they colors?
How can I get them?
Do I have them?

Do I?

What color describes
The love between
You and me?

I'd say purple

Our love,
It's not quite red
It's more like blue
But not all the way

Cause sometimes we're hot
And I feel the red hot electricity
And you can see it in my face

But we're also sometimes cold
And I feel the indifference from the blue of your eyes
And you can see me drawing back

But the cycle goes over an over
All in all
It never stops
Red
To blue
To red
To blue

So I'd say purple
Such a lovely color
Wouldn't you agree?

And let's stay here
In our purple little romance
And live out our days
Under purple skies

Just you and me.




(Plus, you look pretty hot in purple)

Hey. I just woke up from a dream that you didn't particularly star in but when I woke up it was amazing that you were the first thing to pop into my head and it was crazy that the dream was spot on with a dilemma I will have to face soon and that is leaving you because as much as I do not want this to happen it surely will in over a year I will be graduating and I will be moving on with my life and you will still be in school and moving on with your life but the difference here is we won't be near anymore and that's the scary part because our future it isn't solid it isn't certain and I can't be sure that when we both have to move on that we will be as close as we are now but perhaps that is a good thing cause I've been thinking that maybe you're a dead end a dud a match that won't light and I'm the idiot that won't stop trying and maybe it's just time I need for your heart to start working the wonder of love or for mine to work the wonder of forget but whatever it is leaving is the natural process and there is a cure to my predicament and that is to never lose contact and be near always as much as we are now but then again this future of ours is not set in stone so what is the chance of you actually wanting that? Closer to none than anything else, but at this point I have yet to know. I miss you and although I'll be seeing you tomorrow I won't stop thinking about this and how I don't want this to happen. We will surely have to discuss this across the lunch table and perhaps I can grab your attention from that stupid game on your phone and maybe you'll listen when I tell you tears came when I woke up from this dream and perhaps you'll remember my emotion when we dye the shirts and maybe you'll do the thing I've been waiting for on Saturday and a future then can be discernible. Right now my mind is ******* and I can't think anymore so goodnight, I love you.

It's hard to

                        love another

when you

                         don't love yourself.

All around me
I'm in a sea of my own despair
And all I hear is noise
It's hurting my ears

Next to me
A freshman alto is playing show music
To my right a freshman trombone also practicing our show
Behind me a senior trombone tries to improvise jazz
While across the room the basses are tuning
People are laughing and chattering
Having a good time

And I'm just in my sea of despair
Covering my ears
All
Alone

I'm all jitters and quick thoughts and shaking hands

And I can't tell if its from the lack of sleep

The too-sweet coffee

The chill of the night

Or the way the stranger said, "I'd take you to my apartment if you were old enough."

Sometimes I hate myself.
Sometimes I think I'm no good.
Sometimes I think everyone hates me.
Sometimes I think my family can't wait for me to leave.
Sometimes I think my friends can barely put up with me.
Sometimes I think of self-harm.
Sometimes I think a razor blade might help.
Sometimes I think what the world would be like without me.
Sometimes I dream of being someone else.
Sometimes I dream of not being born.
Sometimes I wish my body were different.
Sometimes I wish I had more.
And that more would be enough.

Yet...

Sometimes I love myself.
Sometimes I think I'm decent.
Sometimes I think I'm loved.
Sometimes I think my family will miss me terribly.
Sometimes I think my friends think I'm amazing.
Sometimes I think of changing the world.
Sometimes I think of helping others.
Sometimes I think what the world would be like without me.
Sometimes I'm happy that I am me.
Sometimes I think what if I wasn't born.
Sometimes I love my body.
Sometimes I believe I have enough.
And that I have everything I need.

When you were born you were not alone
Nothing was carved into the stone quite yet but don't forget
You heard someone say, "It won't get better than this!"
That was the sound of your father
As he held you up to your mother
No one will ever know, a love as pure as the one that you felt right then

They held you up, they held you up
And everybody else they fell to the wayside
This is the start of the beginning
The prologue to the tale that you're spinning
A million synonyms will never come close to describe the feeling

Don't ever leave, 'cause if you do dear, I guarantee that you'll regret the day you did
And you'll miss all the simple things
And you'll see everything you ever loved start fading 'till there's nothing left, oh oh

And I believe that every broken bone is meant to be
And when it heals it will be stronger than it was before
And I see the things that I pretend that I don't see
And I keep them in my head love, if only for memories

So now you're young and you feel alone
Despite friends family and all the good things now surrounding you
You can't help thinking, "Oh there's gotta be some more to do"
When all the things that you cherish
Turn into burdens then there is
No other path to take, you know what you got to do but you don't know how

They'll hold you back, they'll hold you down
And you kinda feel bad but you know that you gotta get out
This is your pain your dilemma
Do you stay in the town where they raised ya
Or will you sail away
Pull the anchor and go heading for the come what may

You have to leave
'Cause if you don't dear
You'll never see the things you read about in books
You saw the films and you were hooked
But everything you want won't come to you
You realize now that you gotta go see this through

And I believe that every broken bone is meant to be
And when it heals it will be stronger than it was before
And I see the things that I pretend that I don't see
And I keep them in my head love, if only for memories

So now you're all raised, on your own
Two souls, to put yourself at home
You finally settled down
You've seen the world but your heart never left this town
They have the eyes of your mother
The kind of crooked teeth of their father
No one will ever know, a love as pure as the love that you feel for them

You'll hold them up, you'll hold them up
And everybody else should fall to the wayside
There is no end no beginning
On this merry-go-round we call living
Someday you will return, every single ounce of the love you were given

Someday they'll go
And when they leave home
You will be grateful for the lesson that you learned
You had to travel half the world
To realize what you knew all along
That everything will end up where it belongs

And I believe that every broken bone is meant to be
And when it heals it will be stronger than it was before
And I see the things that I pretend that I don't see
And I keep them in my head love, if only for memories

Hey. I just woke up from a dream that you starred in and at first it was great, we were hanging out, doing the things we usually do, but then you told me that you were going to go away for a while and it really scared me because I really felt that whatever God there is was not fair enough to allow me to have the time to properly get to know you and perhaps become a permanent fixture in your life. I felt like a wreck. I called you all the time. You got so annoyed you eventually stopped answering. The thing that scared me the most about this was the fact that it is so likely how fast this could happen and I am honestly scared if this actual outcome between us, being separated and then having our bond- that rubber band I like to think is invincible- break, is going to happen because this is not the way I would imagine things ending between us, if things ever do have to end. Even though it is 1:51 in the morning, I am wishing that I can be with you and tell you these things, but I am sitting here waiting for a miracle to happen while you're "no miracle worker," waiting for a relationship where there is no chance for there to be one, waiting for you to  love me where you feel nothing at all. This dream reminded me of that fact. And also another, the fact that I don't ever want to lose you or whatever it is that we have built up.
You know why you stopped contacting me in the dream? At the end I was debating whether or not to tell you how I felt, and decided to tell you.
And even though I am not actually making this into a text but rather into a note to be made into a poem, I am hoping that I can have the courage to show you and have you understand how I truly feel by showing this to you.
But I won't.
So you'll never know.

I recently read a poem
Advising others to
Not fall in love with a poet
Most of you have probably read that poem
It was poem of the day
Just one week ago
And I have read it
Several times
But it wasn't until yesterday
When I realized
Just how much truth
Was seeped through
Jacqueline Flores' words
It wasn't until yesterday
When I was trying to find
The right way to describe my love
Compare his eyes to the ocean
His hair to sand
How he speaks
And so on
And so forth

And so it's true
Don't date a poet
Cause we watch
And we describe
Either colorfully
Or sparingly
We show the world
Through our own words
And we expose everything
Love, loss, hate, bitterness
EVERYTHING.
And if you can't deal with that
And appreciate that
Then don't date a poet.

Let's recreate
The beautiful moment
That I believe
I fell in love with you.

It was November the second,
Two thousand thirteen
And of all days,
It was a band competition.

An important one,
A Bands of America Regional
In the lovely
St. George, Utah.

I don't remember the weather,
And I don't know whether
Or not it's the same for you,
But this is what I recollect:


We had performed in finals,
As we were so surprised to do so
Our preliminary performance
Not being so great.
But finals was great.
It was my best performance so far
And that feeling I felt
When I stepped off that turf;
Magical.

We put our instruments onto our semi
"Optimus Pride," as we call it
We put our hats away
And received instructions to go get dinner.

I found you immediately
I believe promising you to hang out
After we stepped off
So I could tell you how everything would go down
You're a freshman, after all
Your first BOA.
I had been telling you all sorts of little
Tips and tricks this season anyway
And you were willing to listen and take heed.

Anyway,
We met up.
And we both felt this
Hype.

A most magical Hype.
A high higher than any high from any drug
And we were crazed;
Band does this sort of thing so some, such as us.

And so we went around
Hugging others who were also feeling the Hype
And talking about hopes of high placements
For Full Retreat,
And how I had promised you
We would go around and talk to the other bands
And go meet their trombone sections

But I remember
In the Hype
The look that was in your beautiful eyes
Almost a craze
And in love sort of look.
And that was when I realized you've finally found the magic.
That was when I knew you were in love with this dorky activity
Just as much as I.



And that was what made me fall in love with you.



That look.
And it wasn't even reserved for me
But I knew you felt passionate about something
That I too felt passion for.

That look.
Now that I've been thinking about it,
I can't get it out of my head.

That look.
Now that I've been thinking about it,
I realized I haven't seen it since then
For whatever reason.

And I miss it.
I want to see it again.
I need to see it again.
And it is lovely and all what that look was originally meant for
But I'm hopelessly wishing
That that look could
Be reserved for me
And that that look meant that
You were in love with me.

But of course,
Things almost never work in my favor,
And that's okay
I'll get over it

And until then,
I'll see that look
Whenever I close my eyes
And relish the memories I have
Of that wonderful
Autumn day.


That you for sharing that moment with me.

Composed: 2:56 A.M., 7-20-14*

Hey. I just wanted to let you know that I just woke up from a dream that I saw you in, but you never looked at me and it felt as if I was looking at a stranger and when I woke up I thought about how it feels as if years have passed since I've last spoken to you when in reality it has been weeks and I feel like I'm losing you and I can't quite remember how your eyes crinkle when you laugh or the exact shade of your blue eyes but I can remember how your smile literally made most of my days and to be painfully honest I've been missing you from day one and I just really want to see you but I feel August is just too far away and I wish I could call you to hear your voice just once, but I won't cause I don't want to annoy you. Anyways, love you. Sleep well.*


My thumb hovered over the send button,
But in the end I knew
You would feel uncomfortable
If I sent this to you

So I pushed the home button,
Locked my phone,
And once again attempted sleep
To see if I could dream of you again.

There's only
Three things in my life
That I need:

         Music
                     The stars
                                          And you.

Not such a big deal
Right?
It's only three digits
Only 100 works of emotion
Now I'd say works of art
But my words aren't that
They're emotion
They're feelings
Thoughts, impressions
One hundred.
How the hell did I get here?
I would have thought
That by now
I would have given up
Stopped at twenty-three and a half
But one hundred?

I see your name everywhere

I can't let you go

I asked myself a question.
The One or the Other?
And I have decided
I'm choosing the One

Yes, the younger
Blonder one.
I'm choosing him.
But will he accept?

That is the question
I must now mull over
A question I must ask myself
Until it is my time

Today.
Today I will find out
And I'm terrified
His answer can break me

Or it can make me.
It can make me fly
Higher than I could
On any drug

He'll probably accept.
What's he got to lose?
Maybe his dignity
If anything

I don't know
I just hope this all goes well
Thanks for reading
I needed support.

Endurance is but
A state of mind that cannot
Be forced upon you

I just feel
It's amazing
How you may be in
A room full of
Friendly enough people
Yet feel completely alone

But this aloneness
Isn't always loneliness
I can be by myself
But enjoying my own company
And others will offer
Things to me
And all I want is to be
Left alone

No, I'm not lonely
No, I would not like to dance
No, I am completely fine
No, I don't want your company
Please, go away

I'm enjoying myself

.1. people change


.2. life goes on

Cheers!
They encourage me
We get to start all over
They say

This year was
Good and bad
Started out okay enough
At a place similar to this

This next year, however
Will* be better
My life dreams will be realized
I'll do somethin I've always wanted

This year will be good

Or, at least good enough

These stupid crazy feelings
They bubble up
And feel like static
So I try to explain it
                       It comes out ******
I try to maintain it
                       It won't go away
So I'm trying to mask it
                       It doesn't really help
So what am I left to do?
I believe I have fallen for you
Pick me back up
I can't stand on my own
But don't ever leave me
I'll be useless without you

Oh, the shining brass
How they gleam in the oh so
Unforgiving sun

I never thought I'd get this attached to you
Never thought I'd get this attached to anybody
But it seems we're sewn at the hip
Never one without the other
We just go together
And as cliché as it is
Peanut butter and jelly
Coffee and cream
This is us
And do not try to deny it
I can see how you search for me
How you find things to share with me
How you are just as attached to me as I to you
Do not deny
That you feel something
In that icy little heart of yours
A heart that is warming up during the coldest part of the year
Do not deny
You feel something toward me

I wish I could tell you
That I love you
But I fear rejection
That 'no' from those
Angels lips of yours
Will send me
To my very own
Personal hell

All of them in black
With their shiny gold buttons
And their big blue F

It's always so cold
In my room in the mornings.
I need a heater.