I'm kind of stuck
At least... I think I am
Somewhere between telling everyone I know to *******
And "just please come hold me friend"

Some place in between an uneasy heart and hectic mind

"I'm depressed"
Can't I just say it without having to explain why?
Sometimes I don't even know which reason to choose

Short replies

"You seem like you don't want to talk"

You're right, but I also want to reach out
I want out
I want to let go of everything
And capture it all in my arms

like a fire fly in the palm of restless hands,
Just let me hold on to your light
Atleast, just for tonight

Because I'm feeling stuck.

You pour too much, honey
You can give some to your self
Your bones were not meant to be broken apart
And to be given away as a parting gift
and your heart isn’t gonna take itself to sleep
to give way for another heartbeat
to succeed in making more songs for life to be lived
you deserve someone like your self
your lungs collapsed when you breathe
for anyone who needs serenity
you turn your back to your own battles
you were afraid to go home
when home became just a place
and you don’t know what happens next
you tried to cry
but the rivers were enough for you to sleep, so why?
You tried to look at your path
But you carelessly joined a troubled soul
And you waited for the aftermath
You knew.
You live by faith
And how it would lead to a better fate
You,
You tried not to worry about your pain
Learned how to live and love and die in vain
You deserve someone like yourself.
And not someone who broke you apart
Not someone who decided you were too small
For the eyes to see
Never someone who rated your worth with your color and melody
You weren’t gray
Nor the gave the slightest hint of happy
You provided yourself as the safety net
You never had one for yourself.
So, you,
You deserve someone like yourself.

the words aren't building right,
the syllables are off and
it doesn't sound right,
no
sad isn't the word,
it's so much more,
blue isn't the right color
nothing is rhyming and i'm
running out of time
and why is it sometimes so hard to write?

i told a boy about my darkness,
about the Vantablack, carbon nanotube darkness
that ***** all life & light from my frame.
he ran his fingers through his jet black hair
as he listened, perfectly still.
he didn't run.
instead, he asked questions, mostly starting with "why,"
and i pondered my own black whole
as his hand rested on my knee.
"darling," he had said. "why do you let it control you?"
but i simply smiled, shook my head.
"you've clearly never felt my pain before."

Is it true what I heard about the son of God?
I'm waiting here for Everyman in the 21st century
After my wreck I had stigmata on my hands

I wrecked my car on Ash Wednesday
Gave up my car for Lent
Lent started February 10th that year of 2016

I saw a vision of a personal hell
Thought I'd be in that car for eternity
But I saw that sweet siren with me in the car

My vision was something occult-like
Demons swooping in
But it was probably all just in my head

I left Florida and flew back to California
Went to a Catholic church and prayed and took communion
Prayed for Christ to save my soul

Then I set my sights on the Church of Scientology
I heard they are a strange cult and not too good
But with an open heart listened to what they offered

In Dianetics auditing I returned to the car wreck and my birth
Covered some other experiences too
Not sure what they can do with you once you give your thoughts away

I read about the Gnostics and Scientology is something similar
A knowingness of the true spirit instead of faith
It's a lot to unpack and I still don't know much about it

I have infinite faith and infinite doubt
True faith must always have doubt
Not sure what the Gnostics must've been smoking

People come to the faith in mysterious ways
Some institutions try to sell belief
Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between

But who made the stars and stretched their distances?
Or breathed life into life?
Who created the expanse of endless dark?

We have families.
People that care for us
They love you and support you through tough times
Some people don’t have these kinds of families.
They’re…different. Dysfunctional, even.
They can hurt you and abuse you in so many different ways…
If you have one of these families.
There are ways to break free.
Even though it may not look like it.
You will find a way to get out.
And people are willing to help you.