You're looking for salvation
in a smile that could light your darkest nights

a spirit so much like your own
to illuminate the deepest reaches of your heart

someone for whom
you never wish to part

so you kiss different mouths
searching for that perfect taste

the combination tongue
with enough sweet to match your sour

but with every sample
every embrace,

every smile
and every taste,

with the seasons that pass from day to day
it only stings worse

because it just reminds you
of the one that got away.

Don’t say a word
come sit by the cool side of the bed
smoothe the velvet of your dress
and fix you into something you’re not
an illusion that has been bought
a reminiscense of this past
which is nothing
sober promises and wasted regrets
nothing but an idle landscape
to be revered
alone above an empty mantlepiece
irreplacable
unforgettable
unattainable.

Don’t tie your hair in a messy bun.
Don’t flick your ash like you don’t care.
Don’t hide ‘cause I see you flinch from those spoken words.
They sting worse than punches
and the bruises never fade.
And I see how you dismiss the hurt by playing it cool.
But darling,
there ain’t no one who feels nothing.
And you can disguise your feelings with all that black you wear.
Or paint on your mascara thick like you don’t give a ****.
But baby,
people are gonna talk no matter what;
how much you ate,
how thin you are,
that you think too much,
that you don’t care enough,
that your heels are too high,
or you’re pretending to be someone else
or just how you do,
or how you don’t.
And I know these things play off on your mind and keep you up at night.
But bottling it up isn’t going to ease the swell in your troubled heart.
It’ll just feed the sorrow and someday that old bubble is gonna have to burst.
So here, take my hands
because they’re yours to hold.
And don’t look surprised
because they’ve always been.
Maybe you never noticed them,
or maybe it wasn’t the right time.
Or maybe you were holding out for another pair of hands.
Now I know these hands are small.
They look fragile
but they’re all I’ve got to give.
Oh yes, there is my heart
but you claimed that long before I could auction it off to the highest bidder.
These fragile hands will
hold,
caress,
support,
and cure you.
If you’re weary
they’ll rock you to sleep.
They’d do more than just move mountains
and part oceans for you.
So take these hands and hold on tight.
But don’t doubt these hands
because they’re yours to hold.

If you would be my own
I would be your escape
and if you should ever need me,
you'll find me in the space
between your shoulder blades
your wings
at your command, waiting for unfurl.

I like the way our fingers intertwine
searching
for a formula
for an equation
that explains how seamlessly
they fit together.

Remember that night we stood awkwardly in the cool night air? The half moonlight bathed the streets in a desolate hue as we clumsily tried to appear like we knew what we were doing. So we walk back in silence; both of us lost in our own individual selfish thoughts. Your gait comes off comedic as you try to avoid the cracks in the sidewalk and I nervously pick at the frayed edges of my notebook hoping you don’t notice how my hands tremble each time they brush against yours.

Tossing and turning
in sheets you quiver
sodden under heavy blankets
the darkness it lingers and consumes,
but the morning is yet to dawn
with everything that it implies.

When the night is as dark as the thoughts that I keep
unable to sleep
I find salvation in the white knuckles on my steering wheel
and the lights that flash by scorch my eyes like fires from falling down satellites
as forgiveness teeters at the edge but then slowly winds away
a deer waits silently on the border of the black.

Staring at the passing headlights
time is torn apart
shattered and broken
like memories rudely awoken in a canyon of wakeful dreams
and a vision on a mountain of crystalline salt
burns in an open wound
here lies the nuance of a heartbeat
pulled from a field like a handful of daisies.

So I sleep outside by the side of a giant tree
and a voice it speaks to me from the marrow of my soul
it is the vaudeville of my heart
filling the fractured, starless night with a burlesque song and dance
with hopes that the subtle hints sent through the Heavens above
from a hollow soul with open veins
will find you tripping and falling back into my arms.

You leave impressions on everything. Like fingerprints on misted windows. You welcome each raindrop that kisses your face but ponder the purposeful aimlessness of the rain as an image of immense fragility. Your words like dappled sunlight peeking through the trees are like thoughts, planted in the heart, growing too fast. But the secrets that are kept hidden behind thoughtful yet precipitous eyes are as intense as a love affair. The silence, the raging, the zest for growing older, the abstract shadow you cast on a hot sidewalk, the air you breathe…all point to a quiet type of bravery.

Oh to sit and watch the sunset reflected in your eyes
as the moon and stars swirl with delight
Nothing seems better than this night
but for the end of today
I will be your cliche
as we settle like dust in this town.
But his ambitions returned
dissecting the winter of lucid insights
as a doubting painter before his death.
Slipping between fiction and reality
the heart is a twisting motion belieing itself, wringing itself.

Streetlights that stand like sentinels
   once cast a warmth into the dark
But now the night is splintered
   and the cold seeps in through the shadows
Letters no longer make sense
   and broken flames highlight angular buildings
They block out the stars, remember those stars?
   and they hide the moon
"Choose," I say and breathe life into these veins
   or let the darkness in and I’ll fold my wings away.

The shadow you neglect
that pause as you reflect
I linger like a scar
or a childhood trauma
seared into your memory
think of me when you sense the rain
or the scent of freshly cut grass
the echoes from the howling
of a lonely freight train,
because I am that ghost
haunting your past
living in the galaxies that collide
between your shoulder blades
or the bruises that rise
black and blue
under your skin
where sweet colours bloom
to a saturated hue.

The smell of dust lies heavy in the air
like ***** boots in muddy waters.
The pull of the moon is grasping and clinging
as melodious songs drift soft and sweet.
Gently stirring
as lovers heave and sigh in the midnight heat
like pink blossoms on a silk tree.
What is embellished and what is left out
when in the woods we return to reason and faith.
This measure of life is a transcient game, when
an absurd proposition relatively considered reveals
  the moist
   the wet
    the warm
     and almost indefinite ethereal imagination of you is appreciated by all.

Memories stay with me like children
Children borne of my own flesh and blood
Children made from me and you
And as my own I will cherish them
As they grow within me
They will keep me warm through cold nights
and lonely days
They will grow sweeter in time
And in time I will learn to love them more than life itself
For that is what I will be left
when all else fails
And on my deathbed they will surround me
And perhaps out of pity
even the worst of my children
may lie to me
Soften the blow and tell me
lies about how it really went
And maybe I will live forever
In the remembered lives
of my progeny
Please remember me fondly.

You are
a moment in time
Something I’d tattoo
on my wrists to remember
Do you know
you’ve left an indelible mark
across the plains of my heart?

In my darkened loneliness
memories of you dance before my eyes
so vividly in technicolor
and a lump rises in my throat
as your name floats about in my mouth
traversing the undulations of my crooked teeth
and teasing the sense regions of my tongue
I whisper your name
as if I were ascribing divinity
to those simple syllables
as if my incantations could bring you back to me
as if it were anything more
than words tumbling onto the hardwood floor.

And there she goes
with a frail heart
the fragile girl
seeks refuge
in the quiet corners
of a strangers' lonely
and vacant stare
if only,
I could be the shores
she dropped her anchor for.

Elegantly she floats
into my atmosphere
lace like blown in
a curtain riding the cool night wind
she’s nebulous and naked
and I wonder where she’s been.

I love you
and all your make-believe imperfections
Give me your brokenness and your self loathing
Because you are beautiful
and I wish there was a way for me to make you believe
That you’re more than those models on tv
You’re more than your pant size
You’re more than the number on your weighing machine
You’re more beautiful than anyone I know
But you hate your tummy, your arms and your thighs
When these are the things I love the most about you
I also love your lips
I could kiss them forever
I love how they quiver just before ours meet
I love how you stare at me through hooded eyelids soaked in passion and lust
And I love my hands on your hips
As we dance to the beat of two hearts in conversation
But I love your heart the most
as pure and untouched as the first snow that falls on a winters day
When the words “I love you” fall freely from my lips
You ask me,
"What’s wrong with you?"
And I will say,
"Baby, I can see what you can’t and you’re perfect."
"Look in my eyes … don’t you see just how beautiful you are?"

Young lovers stand in my shadow
I watch them from a shattered tenement window
with glowing eyes they reminisce the places we visited
with you as tour guide sharing the vows and kisses we once kept

as I wander alone down old memory lane
I'm walking past that house we built
where some things are hard to remember
and some things,
                            *I'll never forget.

Sitting in a bright sunny place
you feel the dark collapsing around you
it settles in your heart
oppressive like a dark cloud
but Love,
that’s just your shadow
turn around
and look at me.

“You came onto me”
“You sought me out”
“You spoke to me first”
I tell myself in my dark hours
Did that make you feel like you owned me?
As if I was a toy
and you were the boy
who ‘choose’ me
Something with a shelf life
Something that was useful
as long as I held your interest
Maybe I bolstered your interest
by being so devoted to you
It sounds so cliche, so predictable,
… so pathetic
But isn’t any relationship
Isn’t it about give and take
I was the one sided coin
loving you more …
wanted you more …
needing you more …
Maybe I made you feel I was dispensable
Could it be my fault
Or maybe I just made you feel you were indispensable
And when your fancy, inevitably, petered off
When something shinier caught your eye
I was left, discarded
to collect dust
Without a final goodbye
I told you:
I would never be a number two
I would never be a ***** little secret
I would never tolerate it
It was an ultimatum, and
you called my bluff
So good luck, go have your fun
Goodbye my sweet, I’ve had enough.

Tell me my eyes
remind you of the night sky
so that when I'm gone
you can squeeze yours shut
until the stars twinkle on the back of your eyelids
that's me looking right back at you.

This train rolls on a railway of thoughts which leads straight to expected behaviors. When every step you take is that of a tightrope artist who has to find the right balance. Ceaselessly trying to juggle between just enough and not too much. But in the end, you have to be resolute and unmoved because you know that in spite of the turmoil within, you are a solo act. Not the main attraction but a side show act. And it is exhausting, all this pretending.

The night she spills her sweet secrets
like dripping nectar
which collect like starlight in your hair,
as you sit and watch
wide eyed and amazed
at the wonders of the heavens above
they sparkle for you,
a spectacle
the magik of the cosmos
unfurling like the wings of an angel.

I have loved you
  with 26 letters
and I shall hate you
  with the same.

I knew you’d be lovely. But we’re only here now, so in this moment please stay with me. Because you see, I can’t get a handle on time. There are seconds which feel like forever I find myself watching the words spill like wishes from your mouth. And there may come a time when you have to tell me to leave. But right now, what we are is a thousand miles apart and swirling in a moment of dizzying stillness.

You make a normal day
seem like an impossibility
when every breath
hanging heavy in my room
brings me back to you
and that humid, balmy night
skin on skin
clinging onto something
as the room spun out of control
restless, needing, wanting more.

And it hits you
like a cold hard slap
or a pang of guilt
like the memory of an old lover you discarded
and it echoes in the void of your chest.

You’ll feel the warmth spread
slowly outwards
and it will scald
and it will burn
consuming you inch by inch
until you find new life growing
like wildflowers
from the soot
and the ashes left behind.

And yet you still wish
upon the stars
hoping they’ll give you some absolution
but don’t you see they don’t exist
the only stars are the ones in your eyes.

And those knots in your heart
they are weighing you down
but that’s just ice
waiting to thaw.

So sit in the sun
and soak it all in
but before you do
I must tell you this
forget your heart
forget your skin
forget your love
forget every thing
forget your dreams
they will lead you astray
but sweet child do remember
if I come knocking
please let me in.

Somewhere between the euphoria
we carved our names in the bark of time
amongst the laughter and your warm breath on my neck
through the drunken haze of night
when you traced a finger down the curvy vein of a map
do you remember my careless and fumbling hands
we groped for something as abstract as love
to the rhythm of phantom beats
like drumming on the dashboard to our favourite songs
in unknown places, and make belief spaces.

Between taming the lust and the passion that simmered
you didn’t mind when I kissed you on the lips
you said my mouth quivered
maybe it wasn’t me who wanted too much
maybe it was you who just didn’t try hard enough
you got me drunk
off a cocktail of maladjusted emotions, crossed wires and mixed signals
but let me tell you I never said I could fix your world
although there were times I wish I could have.

I hope she can fix you
    the way you never let me
ironically my heart still beats
    and sometimes, in the quiet of my dreams
its rhythm still spells out your name.

Carrying on
like we don’t see
we’re both staring
at the end of a story
a fait accompli,
and I’m not certain
I like how this story ends.

A collision of two stars
a clash of two realities
the pages of your notebook is filled with gems that fall carelessly from your lips
like metaphors that come and go
bouyed up with photographs put into words
your imagination is your detachment from reality
and this makes you fascinating and intriguing
like drinking coffee under the stars
or staring into the rainbow reflections of a soap bubble
If she’d let me,
I’d step into her world
just to see how she became such a hopeless romantic
If she’d let me,
I’d hold her heart in my hands and feel how heavy it is
Like an iceberg that floats upon her ocean
Weary like poison in my blood
I’ll wade through her waters
and feel salty despair crashing at my feet
I’ll stare into the endless infinity of her liquid brown eyes
and search
for the faintest hint of my own reflection
staring back at me.

If I were to paint a scene for you
I'd fill it with shades of black and blue
like the colours of my heart
as it beats itself to a pulp
holding onto your promise
it once thought to be true.

She was more the spontaneous kind of girl. The kind of friend who taps at your 1st floor bedroom window at 4am, gets you to ninja climb down a tree, sprint halfway across town and then up a small hill just to prove to you the sunrise was really tangerine orange in colour. She was just that kind of girl. The kind you wouldn’t mind waking up at 4am for.

On your side of the street there’s one street lamp flickering
And the stars shine a little brighter
Are you watching or pretending to sleep?
I know you can hear me calling from your side of the street.

On your side of the street are you thinking about me?
When you toss and turn in bed are you wishing it was me?
Do your sheets feel cold like the tears running down your face?
Or do you still pretend it was nothing but a dream?

On your side of the street is that cafe we used to love
Do you remember the coffee and is it bitter like your regrets?
Or that time we danced in the rain under the moon?
On your side of the street where I warmed you in my arms.

On your side of the street I see you’ve turned out your light
You’re so far away but I can almost hear your breath
On your side of the street I feel you hesitate
On your side of the street.

Saw you today
you haven't changed a bit
except your hair's a little shorter
but that old jacket still fits just fine
"can I buy you a coffee,
for old times sake,"
it's nothing but some harmless fun
if you've got nowhere else to be

we'll laugh about back then
and how it all turned out
and you can lightly brush my hand
with a smile from behind your cup
for now let's pretend like we always did
hiding from yesterday
lost in the here and now.

There is a place
before the dawn
where I await you
longing, under grey skies
where pregnant clouds watch over me
under the shelter
of a row of pines
on hills of amber
this is our place of love,
lost but not forgot.

Every night
it is so silent where I lay
that I can hear my heartbeat thump thump thump
in my head
outside a night jar coos
and in the distance I hear an owl call to someone unknown

Every night
my brothers and sisters cower in fear
the only lullaby are the sounds of the bombs that whistle overhead
I can hear their heartbeats thump thump thump
never knowing when one will fall on their heads.

And now I see, we are but tiny bubbles that float upon the great blue ocean. Some of us struggle so hard against the tides that it would seem easier to just give up and let them take you under. And then there's you. You caught the light and shine like a diamond. Proud and beautiful, defiant and brave.

People fascinate me. You fascinate me. But what really interests me are the parts you keep locked away. What I see is the Image but I want to see the Real, the Object. But that’s almost always kept well-hidden in a secret garden behind high, high walls. It’s in a room where everything is stripped away and what’s left is just a naked, pure form of energy. Once in a while I catch glimpses of it. Hidden in a place where words become fragmented and superfluous. Where the rhythm of your soul fills my cavernous heart with a beautiful sound.

I was the perfect prayer
in your desperate hour

with my heart and soul
in your irreverent hands

I was the faith
seeking out the heart

you the unbeliever
too proud to believe.

Every night
I visit those old memories
where you haunt the corridors like a ghost in the night
and I drink you in until I'm drunk on us
and for a while at least,
I am lost
dancing with the illusion of you.

Sometimes I hear its rumble
like a call from distant clouds
pregnant with tears
or a whisper carried on the wind
like the mournful call of a wandering soul
I stand exposed and alone
waiting to be kissed
a cleansing rain from the heavens above
soaking me, renewing me
her rough hands caress me and enfold me
my soaked hair whipped across my face
I will stretch out my arms
lean into the madness
give myself into
the only thing I know
that won't take me away.

What is it you see when you look in the mirror everyday
Are you looking for something that should be there, or is it staring you in the face
Deep down we all know that we’re always creating something out of nothing
Giving life to an illusion, creating a seperate reality
I suppose that’s how we survive
Each and every one of us so sure of our own realness
Or maybe, we’re so sure of our illusions
that we’ve forgotten what’s real and what’s not
It’s easier that way, for some, for most
We spend our time crafting our identities,
however illusionary, however far fetched, however unbelievable
And that biological puppet we’ve been stringed up to is more real than flesh and bone
Because the faces that we see are not our own
They’re an invention, a facade, a defense mechanism
I think that in the quiet moments we don’t really like ourselves, our real selves
That’s just too much reality, too much truth to handle
It’s like removing your make up, getting undressed and going out into a crowd
Bare faced and naked with nothing to hide behind
Letting strangers inspect every crevice, every flaw, every thing
So we pump ourselves full of chemicals
Fill our veins with mindless entertainment
Just to hush the voices
All in the hopes of forgetting
Forgetting that it’s more than just bodies spinning around, going through the motions
It’s about maintaining the misalignment of nerves and the misfiring synapses
So that even if you wanted to, you would never know which side of the fence you were on
You’re lucky if you find yourself in the shade
But if you happen to be in the path of a hurricane, I guess you wouldn’t any better
All those bruises and scars will seem like they were meant to be
And in time, your broken heart will heal, just not in the way you thought it would
And you’ll question everything
You’ll question your father, your mother, your lover, your God
Because you know that branches and debris alone can’t do so much damage
Was man supposed to love so much that it hurt?
I guess yeah, but not in the way that love was meant to be felt
Who knows how we’re meant to love
If you’ve never been in a gunfight, how would you know what I was talking about
And yet, we all talk
We talk like we know what we’re talking about
But no one seems to talk about the important things, like time and death
They bring life to the things that are worth knowing
Just look into the eyes of everyone around you
Forget other people, look into the mirror at yourself
When it comes time to go, everyone welcomes it
We finally realise and accept how easy it is
Or maybe we’re just grew weary of pretending
Because in the end, it’s refreshing to know you don’t have to hold on so tight
Letting go is accepting that your dreams; both good and bad, are just memories
Memories made of moments you keep locked up in your mind
Moments where you dream of what you should be, what you could be, what you’re not
And like all dreams, there’s a monster at the end of the hallway
But unlike all dreams, you don’t always wake up.

Sometimes I wait
for daylight to break
but the state of my heart
crawls melancholic, dragging itself upon the cold hard floor
and it drips
sticky like honey
this evenings passage
leaves me mostly aloof
and often adrift.

When you looked at me
all you saw were my blurred edges
there were no distinct boundaries
no real rights, no real wrongs

and I thought that was a compliment
I thought I finally found someone
who saw me for me
not for the walls that I had put up

I beamed that I was your setting sun
that no matter how bad it got
at the end of your rough day
you'd always came home
to me.

now I realise
how thick was the wool you had placed on my eyes
I was just an excuse
an excuse to use and abuse

you take more than I offered
while promising more than you were prepared to sacrifice
this was your wager of sin
and I was the pathetic gambler too stupid to say enough is enough

well this gambler has folded her cards
I walk away with nothing but the clothes on my back
take your winnings because finally

enough is enough.

Sometimes I wonder
do you think of me
the way I think of you
or has time
tarnished us
into the blurred edge
of yesterday's memories.

The memory of that summer will coat my tongue with a layer of you. And every so often I will come across a taste, a smell, a sound, or a touch that will awaken the sleeping dragon within. And I will burn like a furnace, from the inside out, longing to gaze upon a face I know better than my own.

It’s better not to look
at the heartache
the nameless, faceless pain
but I see you everywhere
a sight to behold
in funny coincidences
as I think of beauty,
I only see you.

You break me into pieces
yet I cry, “hold me now”
now that I’m bare and vulnerable
without the sparkling
sunset hue
that youth bestows
I need you to see me now
as you saw me then.

So as you wrap your coat around you to leave
I will be
the taste that remains
of a bittersweet story
the vessel to pour yourself into
when hope becomes dim
and you need a place to hide.

I mistook your smile for the moon
and like a sailor lost at sea
you became my North
I let you take me to the edge of the world
and as the clouds stole you from me
I unstitched my heart and used
the needle of my broken compass
to point me home again.