I haven't written in a year. I don't fully know who I am or what I'm doing anymore. Less than ten days left until the new coming year. Maybe 2016 will be less gray..

"So the thing is, the thing is. And that thing is this:

I live in a bit a blurr (a bit of, sorry), I can think (can’t, sorry), I am forever interested in disillusion (how am I still breathing?). What are grammar, what is speling, spieling all the **** I used to feel so burn in stomach; I used to be so alive.

Maybe it was the Dramamine I took in bed this morning with twice my scrip of xanaxian colored pillz devouring like candy yum how delicious is it to disappear, I am in love with the Nothing of it all (I’m no nihilist, though, no.)

For example, for proof, I shall explain how yesterday I had a long beautiful walk along the water with lovely friends and we laughed and I even ate healthy even though I did drink (how many nights of the week do I? Don’t ask, please, but it’s New York, that’s what we all do — right, that’s what we all do?)

But I’m not a sad girl, I’m not a sad girl anymore, I’m just a blurred girl now, I can’t even see myself straight, how do I expect anyone to see me. (Should there have been a question mark after that.)

Switch lines like knives’ eyes (wait, what kind of line, literary or otherwise?) I try to focus on pages, I try to focus on work, but all I can do is mutter and mispell misspelll twice and attempt to convince myself (and you, sir, lady) that I’m perfectly fine. Italicized.

The truth is (and here’s the crazy part) I actually am fine, I actually am fine for the first time in a long time, I’m mostly actually amazing and ecstatic and all those great ALL CAPS words we toss around in life on phones in text like little sweet congrats donuts, but I guess the truth is that I’m also something else, I’m also volatile, I’m both happy and a mess, I’m just in progress, I guess. I’m honest, I’m honest, I’m not hiding this time behind a second person narrative (god how comforting those babies are).

No, this time, I’m just telling the truth, and the truth is the thing; and the thing is, I am better than I’ve been in a while except in certain small moments when everything collapses inward crushing down, and in these moments, I am helpless and hapless and less than everything I want to be. I want to be perfect, you know. I want to happy all of the time.

I want every day to be like yesterday.

But today is not. Today is just wrongly prescribed glasses making everything all hazy glazed over, today is just overused parentheticals explaining things to people who don’t need to be explained to.

Feel free to hate me, I do sometimes. Feel free to love me, I do sometimes. Feel free to vindicate me / indicate me / masticate me in crunching acid commentary.

but GUESS WHAT

today is just today

tomorrow will be tomorrow

(obligatory obvious, sorry)

But it all adds to the very bones of the thing which is: this moment I want to ***** up all my self indulgent sadness and be okay, but I cannot do anything but snuggle it in corners into words and have faith that the other end of the daylight holds a girl in sharper focus than this one"

I lay motionless in front of the fan blowing a warm breeze, any sudden movement will have me drenched in my sweat mixed with insect repellent that I had to spray all over my freshly bathed skin to avoid the spreading mosquito virus. I already have 29 bites,itching while counting each minute they allow us to have electricity see, here the government can shut off the power throughout the entire village as they please even in 100 degree weather heat. Don't take the electricity, eyes tightly shut..don't take the electricity, maybe if I concentrate hard enough, don't take the electricity, i continue to plead. It's funny how we can take things for granted. As I think this the fan stops. The heat instantly begins to engulf itself around me there's nothing else I can do so I continue to lay still, it's now silent and In the distance I can hear faint voices talking. Mom and dad and a couple of friends are reminiscing on the good ol times when they were all together in the past. It's been 18 years since then. And I'm glad to be here with them to see their emotions filled with happiness. Visiting old family members and friends, they greet with their warm embraces, I smile. And even though more then half the county's population is in poverty on top of not being in the best medical condition you can tell that they except what life gives them so they continue to keep moving to keep going to keep fighting with less crying. Man It's funny how we can take things for granted. Mom and dad aren't the richest in fact they aren't rich at all but it's encouraging to see them still giving. We've only been here 5 days and it seems like they gave everything they have, but I trust that Jehovah will continue to provide materially for them, so I'm not worried about they're survival when we break up with vacation and go back. I have faith. Reality of todays condition hits when you witness someone who has far less then yourself. Kids playing race car with a wooden bench and sticks is a sight to see. You wondered why you cried when mama got you that cheap plastic Barbie doll, you girls know what I'm talking about, the one with the legs that easily popped off. Instead of the one that came in a fancier box. It's funny how we can take things for granted, even as innocent little children. And at least you get the option to ride on a bus that cost 2 bucks with comfortable enough seats and cool ac. Talk about luxury. Try riding in a pick up truck packed to the brim in the summer heat knocking on the back of the drivers window seat to signal the next stop and then paying him 8 bucks. See It's funny how we take things for granted. Now that I'm older Im grateful for what I had while growing up. That I have parents who fought to get where they're at with Jehovah's help. Haiti is my love, I'll embrace my culture with open arms and warm tender cheek kisses. Stitch my people's pain inside the bottom of my sleeve. And weave the essence of Haitian on the outside rim of my beating heart. Knowing that, when this system comes to a complete end this, this is when my country Haiti will truly live again. For Jehovah said “I am creating new heavens and a new earth.”​— Ayiti ou se peyi mwen, menm si mwen pat fet ladan, map toujou renmen ou ne *** sa moun yo di mwen, konye a wap soufri men pa pou two lontan, kontinye kenbe djanm nan fen system la. As long as I am Jehovah's Witness I'll be there to witness Haiti's rebirth. And I will not take that for granted, not while in Jehovah's paradise new earth.

Just know that when you are ready to no longer be a coward
when you think that you want to commit to this

I wont be available
This isn't the right time, I understand and that's completely fine
Just keep in mind that..

When a woman Is content with who she is and what she can ultimately get that's when you hold on
If your to ignorant for this then

Some people think I'm so deep
A dark and mysterious being
Just living amongst the blithesome ones

"Oh look at Dorothy
She's zoned out again
Wonder what she's over there thinking"

Contemplating on life's blow your mind out questions
Like Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?
Or Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
And If someone with multiple personalities threatens to **** herself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Those are my life's crazy questions
Even Google's search bar has more imagination
I'm far from puzzling, tangible to say the least
You don't have to read into much to get to know me

My mind is not a challenging maze
I lack any form of craftsmanship
And I've come to realize that because of this
I turn out to be just another friendship or romance phase

It's okay

This is what you get
I am Ms. Ordinary Joe
It's your choice to accept it  
Because regardless of my bland taste
I wont force myself to ever change

*shrugg

I want you but then I don't
I Love you but then I.......

Wont lie

I'll never stop loving you
Not even when I "stop" loving you

A garboil frenzy stirred up in me
From our first encounter
You shot my guarded with ten feet brick walls heart down
Exposed me to something new
The more nights I spent on the phone with you
The more my feelings grew

Don't let me physically see you
That's  a different story all on its own!
One deserving its own poem.
Hey, I'm just being honest
We're all grown!

But anyway
You've got me swaying to your beat with your harmonious words and graceful flow
Dazed and paralyzed from my curly haired head to my pedicured toes
With this infatuation for you

Wait nah, even though this is new
I know it's more then pash puppy love
This is real

We are real

No matter how many times I push away
My feelings will never budge, or stray.

We're not together yet and that's fine
Cause you don't know it yet
But you're already mine.

My days are focused with serving Jehovah with my whole heart and ability
The end of this system is coming fast
So i make sure to walk in the right path
Continuing to always please him in his eyes

But Jehovah knows my other inner desires
He knows how I want to share my days with a lifelong partner

Title me passion *****
Love burns my fire
We were built with abounding emotions
A longing to share our tender affections with another person
And I'm no different, almost ready for that serious commitment
To share my world with an outstanding christian witness

You fit that description..
So with his blessings my dream will come true
And with his blessings that person will
One day be you

Black power!

I stopped hiding from my roots, I do not let my natural tightly coiled strands become chemically manipulated into bone straightness. I'm no longer hiding from my roots.
My natural hair will represent this

I went on an interview today for a position as a dental assistant, checked out the office on the website right after and then
oh no
The staff is all white, what if I don't get hired because of...

Black Power!

I stopped hiding from my roots; the sun is not my enemy. I no longer veil from its rays because the fear of getting "blacker." Look at that skin; love its rich deep melanin. Follow my movement; I'm no longer hiding from my roots.
My black skin will prove this

The other night I went out with a couple of new friends,
to be more precise they were homemade Alantians.
Born and raised in Atlanta!
It was a nice warm night, and at the end of it they wanted to take some pics to post up on their instagrams. But guys wait; let’s get into the light, I don’t want to appear all dark next to you light brights. You are all mixed which makes you effortlessly good lookin'
snap
Ugh I hate it I'm to black, don’t post that.

I stopped hiding from my roots, I rock my tightly coiled natural strands.
I'm not ashamed of who I am, Look at my skin and its deep rich melanin  
Walking with my fist raised up in the air to represent what I on a daily contradict.

Black Power!

Forgive me, I'm new to this. When I was growing up the things that embodied our black nation was never accepted.

Black power! I'm ready to follow this radical movement.

You were once my muse
Now my mind
Forgets
The field that our
"Love"
Used to run through
Escaping my memory
With such smoothness
Effortlessly
This time I'm really over it
No really, this time it's true

Which is why I'm
Writing about
You?

Like Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 Scherzo
You had a different movement with a passage of light that danced around my aura

Left me in an anagnorisis state; a realization.
Once so obscure so ambiguous, now became more clear

The idea of you leaves me floating in euphoria
I used to like when you were mysterious

But as I grow
As we grow

I realize that nothing is more exceptional
Then having the ability to easily read into your heart and mind

I yearned for your motives to become more visible
Because my attraction to an abnormal union changed

I now wanted love that was a bit more traditional, If you get what I'm saying.
But even if you don't, that's okay

It's just that I've never felt this way
Living completely immersed in our harmonious fusion of love

Blessed that our paths crossed leaves me with yet another reason to prayerfully thank Him above.

They are a dyad besieged in true love bliss
She knew that passion would define them after their first kiss
He knew she would become someone he could never get away from,
would never resist
Together they became the exemplification of love
Supporter of one another
Following the recipe taught to them from their savior above
Because God is love and they respected him
Imitating his qualities, creating a fine symbol of what a union should be.
They will yet again celebrate their friendship, passion and tender devotion in a couple of months.
One day I hope that I too can resemble my parents profound abysmal love.

In atlanta without a car
I am the definition of wayfarer
My feet is my vehicle
Takes me where i need to go

Free
I have no boundaries
Don't feel sorry for me
Walking in rainy days rejuvenates my body

On hot summer nights the sweat that rolls down my face sting my eyes when I blink but I get to watch the clear skies as I walk by and that's nice

Surprisingly there's something about being outside in nature that gets to me
Even if that nature is mixed in with high rise buildings
shopping centers
and a plethora of restaurants filled with people having lunch or dinner

Without a car I can see more
Grab excitement and adventure in a different way

Maybe one day I'll put my license to use as more then just an I.D
But as for today

It's just me and my feet.

He created the earth
the moon
the stars
and planets
Galaxies so big so complex
Even the most astute scientist would never fully comprehend it

The way we are so finely structured
A maslin of convoluted cells and atoms making up this human body
Others on occasions may sit at home think and sort of wonder
“could all of this earthly beauty happen by chance?”

For chance to be the cause of the art we see as life? Pause
No.
Please forgive me for my strife
For even the dirt underneath is everything but simple
The evidence of a perfect and powerful creator is all around
So this notion of chance does not sit right with me
And I have the right to disagree

It is because of Him our Heavenly father that all of this, all of us
Exist
He is the best artist I know
We are part of his magnificent creations as brought out in Revelations
So each day of my life is dedicated to no one else but him.
My father in the heavens
Jehovah God I am your witness.

Green peppers
Red peppers
Onions
and shallots
Get ready for some intense flavor to hit your pallets


A splash of vinegar
Salt
Chives
And garlic
Your tongue will dance for joy and actually seem to frolic

Epis
Sos Pwa
Rice
And baked chicken
The taste buds in your mouth wont know what hit them

Four hours later and I've enriched in my culture
I'm almost like a new woman
Because today I learned to cook food from my parents native nation
The time and effort was so very worth it
And now I feel a little bit more Haitian

A size 14 at the age of 14 she didn’t love the body she was in
But how can you blame her, she did have a seventeen magazine subscription
Airbrushed girls, with their perfect pin curls showing you how to be pretty
Gap thin thighs, the one thing she did despise but would certainly die
to get.
She tried it all
Starvation lasted not more then a week because for food she was weak
Switching it up
She would feed her addiction just to plummet it into the toilet and then flush it away at the end of the day
She tried it
Gagged so hard, stuck her fingers down her throat so far
Till she thought she felt her tonsils
Worst decision of her life
She never tried it again after that night.

She gave up the pursuit of the beautiful magazine look and lived her self conscience life
Grew up with it until it became her best friend..never to part until the end.
Junior year, she’s now 16 turning 17 and some things are starting to change
She’s getting attention from other guys and yeah it’s a bit strange

That day she stood in the mirror and just stared
Stared at what she avoided for three years
Stared at her curvature, skin, smile and then
That’s when she realized, she was actually a beautiful toothsome girl
A different kind of elegant pearl
Belonging to the finest columbine

She had the hips that every girl in her school talked about
The teeth of pearly whites that complimented her biggest smiles
She was growing into herself, slowly loving herself the way she is
Five years past now she’s in her 20′s
Her best friend from earlier years still pays a visit because even though she knows her beaut she still held on to her self conscience mess
Oddly enough it was her comfort from the first time they ever met.
Maybe one day she’ll find herself a new best friend
One that’s more uplifting then the last one has been

Soul mates aren't meant to stay in our lives forever, just there to make a statement
To teach you things about yourself that you never really noticed
Exposing your heart to different elements of emotions
While sort of altering your feelings
And then..

And then they disperse
leaving you heartbroken
But ironically grateful at the same time
At least that's what they say.

You cruised your way into my life
into my heart
like you were the boss
I liked it
Only because you helped me to see my own beauty
Showed me what my love can become
If I let it surpass those ten feet tall walls

Rediscovered my forgotten passions
You became my everyday inspiration
And then...


Soul mates aren't meant to stay in our lives forever, just there to make a statement
To teach you things about yourself that you never really noticed
Exposing your heart to different elements of emotions
While sort of altering your feelings

And then they (he) disperse
leaving you (me) heartbroken
But ironically grateful at the same time
At least that's what they (I) say.

He walked around the crowded streets, streets filled with party goers and drunken teens
He didn’t know where he was going, his mind housed those gruesome images
Replaying in his head over and over again
It was a Friday night, although it really didn’t matter because he never had plans regardless of the day
He had bigger things that he had to mentally face
A psychological sciamachy if you will– an imaginary enemy that he wanted….no needed to ****.
It left his mind all dark and dreary, filled his heart with raging fury
And he couldn’t understand why or how he got like that.
In school he was the definition of a social outcast, not fit to be amongst the cherished few
but if only they knew because the biggest outcast in the school
Was also the strongest, for if they were to even attempt to take on his struggles
I doubt any of them would still be alive to tell their story
But back to that night out on the streets, the night he was stuck walking aimlessly
He ended up on top a roof..staring up at the clear black sky admiring its site, not one star visible because of the bright city lights
He didn’t care, he was caught in some trance
Even with his glossed eyes you wouldn’t really know the state he was currently in at first glance
Cold and disheveled he had nothing else left, he was alone even with the dozens of people next to, behind and ahead of him
Stepped on the edge of the building and whispered “Its already broken”
The ones who were once strong sometimes fall

And he was one of them.

I could hear them
They were soft yet terrifying susurrant voices dancing around in the vacant white walled room. Creating the feeling of intensity
So much that it felt like it was breathing down my neck making me quiver
And no matter how hard I tried I had no power to fight back defensively
Exhausted all my strength to forget the bad, desperate to leave the past in the past
Regret took on a whole new meaning,
My life revolved around it and regret became me
I became it
I no longer owned my thoughts, and at night my mind stopped playing its old sweet dreams
Instead I had nightmares, every night i was weary
Voluntarily turned into an insomniac because of fear
The voices seem to be less distant no longer a whisper
Getting louder, a ringing in my ears
This life isn’t mine and it never was
I was brought up learning that you reap what you sow
And knowing that brought me down as low as my emotional regret could go
Controlled by the bad and then the good
Whats done is done, this is what I choose to become
So I painfully let fate take it’s course
As I so rightly should.

But what about me!? What about my feelings!?
What about my needs!? It’s my heart you’re unknowingly stealing!

Don’t ignore my love, I’ll make you miss my presence
Show you what you’ve lost so you wished you never left it
Because I know you didn’t mean to drop my heart, here’s some glue
Now get to fixin’ I’m desperate

Obsessed and conniving with a plash guile touch
When did she get so vigilant with her fussbudget qualities?

OH babygirl you’re to much!
Stop wanting things you cant have, and don’t force someone to Love.
You fell for him big deal, doesn’t mean it was meant to be.
Don’t let this one guy devastate you
It’s your love and you can still give it out freely.

Lets not add another person with their heart locked down
’cause of a few let downs
All casually swimming in that
Pool of “I don’t believe in true love” crowd
They go around shut off from the world
Refusing life’s love passion pearls

Instead accept the ones who loves you now
More love will come your way, quit searching for a when,where & how
Let nature take it’s course and follow it
Restrict not your love just the need for it to always be accepted

Prince charming will be here to scoop up his queen
In the meantime enjoy having just yourself, figure out what life’s got to offer
Its right at your fingertips nearly bursting at the seams.

Poetry.
A form of catharsis used to
Subtly touch
Violently choke
Mentally ****

Words that cut so deep making the heartless feel
Words screaming with emotions leaving you paralyzed
Words gracefully gliding down the side of your cheek forcing you to smile
Captured in whatever trap the poet wants you in; victimized

Feeding into every word of the poet so easily
Thriving off the beauty that is poetry
Until you’re shouting

Take me!
The art of poetry now flows thorough my body
Becoming intertwined in their words
I absolutely LOVE poetry

Ever have that I want to be alone, but I’m lonely feeling?
You know like, on a Friday night everyone is out in good company
While you’re home on the couch because that’s where you want to be
And as you stare at your no missed calls or messages on your cell phone
A flash of loneliness comes rushing throughout your body

But then again
You’re home on the couch because that’s where you wanted to be
Right?

Ambivert by nature, surround me with people so that I can run around the whole room
Conversing with every clique and crew
Then when I’m drained take them away

This is the way I’ve always been
I don’t know why, It’s something I cant really explain

I cling onto my personal space, stay away from it I don’t want you in my way
But come back and be with me I need affection and some attention
I don’t really have any friends

An emotional roller coaster that’s never ending!
You cant be outgoing and be a loner at the same time
Choose A side and stop leaving people in confusion
Its like you’re bipolar, I cant take it and so I’m leaving.

I’m older, and now it’s affecting my love life relations
Brokenhearted
When will I ever become synced with my feelings?
A complicated mass mess walking amongst the crowds with her head down
One day I’ll conquer this mental confliction

Until then to stay hidden…
I keep talking
And to be heard
I remain in the dark corners, silent

[?????????????]