No more calls,
No more inside jokes,
Birthdays and holidays are celebrated;
But you won’t be there.
Holding hands,
Sneaking kisses in the hallways,
Being kids;
But that won’t happen again.
Racing our vehicles,
Shadow boxing with your grandpa,
Your playful tackles;
But these memories are in the past.
Walking down the isle,
Building a home,
Having the one kid dreamt of;
But you won’t be there.

I finally did it,
I found the one who doesn’t see just pain.
One who doesn’t see broken,
To build me up and guide me.
To take me to my love,
Smoking with a gravestone to ease my hurt.
Not once have you broke me,
While I was broken.
Comfort and cuddles,
Your scent to easy my pain.
Waking me from nightmares,
Terrible nightmares that’ll haunt my days.
Yet you my ball of sunshine,
You see it go by like a cloud.
Loving me endlessly,
Countless of times you’ve saved me.
I’m proud to have this ring on my finger,
Saying yes was my greatest moment.
Being your fiancé,
Your wife.
Till the end my husband

You made me complete,
You held my hand once more,
Put hands on my body like nothing before.
Bliss.
Yet you are now gone
There’s nothing left for us now.
I got lost again..
defeated.

It’s weird,
The people we all talk to,
Eventually all become the strangers we never wanted.

You could’ve kept me in your life,
You could’ve left it all as is.
Greedy and angry,
You run in my life only to destroy it.
Nevertheless you couldn’t be content,
Seeking and searching for something long gone.
I pity you no more,
I’ve seen enough.
So I shall continue to live as you sit in the dark,
I will thrive as you wish for more.
Moving on and wanting friendship is all I asked,
A wish even the Gods can’t grant.

The sky is as dark as my heart.
I cause nothing but disaster and despair.
I don’t need help with being me down,
I do a good enough job as is.

The world is **** and I do no better.
All I ask is for pity.
A slap on the wrist.
Get out of jail free card.

Even with as low as I am,
I’d still never go back to you.
Ever.

I ruined you as you ruined me.
There’s nothing to take back, no way to fix it.
Just leave me be and I
Will leave you be.

It’s days like this;
Where I need your comfort.
When I am defeated,
And I can’t keep standing.

I beg for you;
To save me from my turmoil.
You kept away the thoughts,
Held me to the skies.

I scream throughout my body;
Wishing for you to take me.
In the end,
Im still on a list.

Forever waiting.

Same story, girl meets girl then girl turns into boy, April 6, 2020
Exciting changes, wondrous feelings, tremendous *** and so-called happiness.
  she remembers the way you’d hold her; the glint in your dark eyes as you’d kiss her, and her peaceful sleeps.
It would work out in their La La Land, she finally found the one who won’t hurt her because he is also broken and hurt.
Someone who would lift her from the ground after losing all hope that fateful day of April 8, 2018. To be cherished and wanted, with no judgement for her loss.

Lies, miscommunication, and distance July 08, 2020. Holes in walls, doors breaking down. Glass everywhere she looks, two rooms destroyed and looks of fear.
Alcohol is a killer and never to take lightly. Shoving and punches, knifes thrown and cuts on their bodies. This was the first time she left.

Cries of forgiveness, betrayal, distance, “please stay,” “I love you,” and apologizes.
Doubt crawled through her mind every time he spoke those three words. Him telling her how much she meant to him.
No amount of words could save her trust she had to rebuild, the love she gave during his times of destruction, the weakness she felt after that day.
Months of trying, never to satisfy her needs. Constant words of changes and no drive to do so. Being judged for her misfortune and never fully understood. Constantly crying, telling him what needed to be done.

A flick of the switch, morals clouding her mind, her self-worth pushing her out of dark, and her strength returned.
No remorse, no emotion, and no chance to speak again.
She’s gone from his world, leaving for the final time and not looking back.
Pretending to be fine when she cries in her room and is silent.

Now her pillow drips with her heartbreak, of her disappointment, and her dreams and hopes. she looks at his poems still, his glorious words put into words of his own accord.
she says there’s no evidence of their life, she lied. She goes through messages, photos, videos and cries.
No matter how hard she is trying she continues to try and she fails. she fails every time.
her “hate” driving her to be better without him. her fear of breaking down, keeps her away from him. He tells her he loves her still.. she breaks every time she doesn’t say it back.

With a snap of her fingers, she is back to the way she was. Her split feeling of hurt gone, emotions turned off for she can’t control them herself.

Stability.
Honesty.
Unconditional love.

Three simple things needed to survive this new found world.
An urgency everyone wants.
A partner.

Agreeing to disagree.
Knowing when enough is enough.
No escalation.
Peace and safety.

Alas these simple things aren’t so simple.
We tend to think selfishly rather than together.
How could you communicate if neither is listening.

Simply put.
You don’t.

I just think,
What if I’m not as strong as everyone thinks?
What if I’m never ready?
I just think,
What if I was never suppose to be anything but a lesson.

It was literally a stare down,
You sat at the table in the bar.
I felt your eyes on me since you looked my way
And I into yours.
You brought me home,
A place I thought to be long lost.
This is completely too good to be true,
You stole my heart in less than a month.
This time this is right.

Tiny handprints,
Yet your fingers have slipped,
without the hand that was holding yours,
I am now lost.

Whether it is a blessing or a curse.
My darling you,
Are worth it.

Carelessly gaming,
Laughs and jokes.
You were uncomfortable and I knew why,
Yet throughout the three days,
You grew worse.
Rather than continue a fight,
I shall succumb and give what’s needed,
So forgive me.
I cannot have this,
Nor can you,
It was designed as such.

Stuck in love,
Lost in hopelessness.
Yet here you are,
Showing something stronger than I.

You say true love never stops;
A continuous cycle of positive and negative outcomes.
Frightened of the events that had occurred,
Yet here you are.

I haven’t a clue how to continue,
A calm conversation that’s never happened.
Even though my anxiety is shooting through the roof,
I give this conversation to you.

Even though I’m *******,
I’d still do anything for you..

You know,
You’re pretty believable.
I was starting to trust you again.
Crazy.

Crazy to think I almost fell for it again.
Almost thinking that it would be worth it.
Love conquers all right?  
Lies.

It’s like breathing,
Only I don’t know how I’m breathing.
Everything seems dull,
Uninteresting,
Bleak.
I hate knowing you make me feel like this,
All because of lies, miscommunications,
And connections.
An unspeakable phenomenon that occurs to the few,
Yet everything can’t be as is and I destroy.
Losing everything to be constantly reminded,
Too many denominators to discuss one thing.
What I wanted,
What I was happy for,
But this is life.

Sitting alone at a table.
A pin on your hat to state yourself,
He/Him.
Our eyes had met and I knew,
I would be letting go finally.
I would be freed from horrid grasps,
Trifling ties of abuse of both sides.
He had saved me,
Just by sitting at table 33.

I won’t sugar coat it,
He create a peace,
A Sanity is still made.
We were never meant to be more,
An attraction yes,
But we were meant as friends.
We laugh,
We rage,
And in the end it’s my fault.
I caused it,
Everything.
Now there’s nothing I can do.

The way you held yourself,
Your smile and warmth.
Too see you prosper,
Grow and conquer.
You are my everything,
Even after everything.
I can’t be a Queen,
Without my King by my side.
I love you,
Forever yours.

I just wanted that piece back,
Where we did nothing but everything.
I loved the way you shined,
Everything was against you and I stood by.
Staying in your corner,
Silent cheers amongst the negative backlash.
Until you hurt me again,
This one hurt worse.
Which is strange to think,
Our breakup should’ve hurt,
It wasn’t.
It was knowing I was officially done,
Knowing we’d never get that chance.
All the smiles and laughs echo in my room,
Just thought at the end of the day it’s me and you.

When I promised you always,
I meant it.
When telling you that I’d always be here,
I meant it.
Our friendship was amazing and solid,
We meant it.
I couldn’t keep you in my life,
They meant it.
I was going to lose you because I can’t  choose,
I chose anyways.
I wanted my people in my life,
Little did I know you were my people too.
When I promised to always love you,
Friends or not,
I meant it

You were the first person I thought of,
Your name in a new created message,
Of course I cancelled it anyways.
Gold was the goal,
I did it and you weren’t there…

It’s like trying to find that last sliver of glass.
That last bit of what was left has disappeared.
Those last months are gone like the wind.
Never will I remember what we had done.
After this, I go to say yes.
I walk down the aisle.
And I take a hand that isn’t yours.

I will always hate you,
Hating for the way it ended,
Hating the communication,
Hating being with you.
So much resentment for one person,
It’s fleeting and futile.
Gone is the sweetness,
For you all there will be is bitterness.

Funny how a whole year of being with one person
Makes them a stranger.

A sense of hope beginning to rise,
Just as quickly as the doubts that run through her mind.
Lost and frail,
Looking for a sense of peace that was once kept.
You are the King.
And as such,
A King always needs his jester.
A fool.
So she played the fool.

•
I cannot turn back the clock,
Because I have finally ran out of luck.
Before everything,
Before the relationship,
Before Gabe died,
I should’ve been left as I was.
Nothing.
•

Why do you tell me you love me,
When you didn’t.
Why say you’ll strive with me,
When you didn’t.
How come it’s always me,
When you did it.
I could tell you what is on my mind,
Then it is only your story.
Everything I’ve said is out,
Thrown like a rock on water.
Till I run out of skips,
And then i sink into the depths.
Once more.

When running to you,
everything is electric,
The sounds,
your touch,
the breeze.
As I run to you,
Without hesitation,
A sense of longing,
Safety,
Security.
While I run to you,
I remember how glad I was,
Happiness,
Loved.
Embraced by your arms of love,
And i remember once again,
How much I love running into you.

We rebuild when defeated,
It is our destiny to never quit.
To thrive on what is done,
And what is not done.
To grow and conquer,
What our forefathers couldn’t.
So we rebuild,
If we didn’t we’d be nothing.

The screaming and yelling is all I see when I close my eyes.
The whines from Rylie as you strangled her.
Your assumptions no matter how many tears ran down my face trying to tell you “You’re wrong.”
Frustration.
There goes the Red Bull can to the wall.
Blankets are thrown off me.
Phone hits the wall twice and shatters.

We’re back at your parents.
Same thing.
You’re punching the walls as you throw things.

If I could turn back the clock,
I would’ve never met you.
If I could’ve opened both of your eyes,
I would’ve let you see only her.
Truth be told,
I had always knew,
It held me back.
I couldn’t love someone who still had there’s,
There soulmate.
Little did you both know,
I wished we ended things sooner.
Way sooner,
I wished she had left her relationship too.
At the end of the day I knew,
Yet we were all scared.

•
I used to think I was untouchable,
I used to think I had God on my side.
I used to think I was a protector,
Turns out I’m a problem.
•

I do not look at your art for remembrance,
I look at your art for your sanity.
One I couldn’t return to you,
As you couldn’t do to I.
Hoping you continue to be happy in life,
As I am doing in mine.
With the people who came through so suddenly,
Unexpected coincidences.
Your art tells your thoughts,
The lies you’ve been told,
The love thought shared between,
Lies you’ve made up,
Closure in Ones and Zeros.
I hope you continue on,
Stand the ground you walk on,
Complete the life you were meant to lead.

Your intentions were like cold ice,
Except with a burning sensation going down my body.
A virus continuously attacking my soul, only to feed yours.

Sweet whispers of lies and broken promises.
The one manipulating was you and you forced your problems onto me.
Attacking my very life.

You never cared and I should’ve seen it coming.
Now I see you. What you truly are.
A monster.
Un diablo.

You’ll get what you deserve and I can’t wait to watch as you fall.
Thinking you’re a saint when in reality you are an archangel.
One of the fallen.

He said,
“Take my hand, give your worries to me and finish your process.”

I said,
“No.”

I found love three times,
Once with someone who was too late,
Another we held each other accountable,
But this one?
This one is the one meant for me,
One who wouldn’t use my past as a scapegoat.
One that was similar to what I had before abuse,
Thinking that was what I deserve as my ex had said.
I found what I was looking for;
Finally.

My heart is tight.
Chest tight
And I sit alone on these steps.
You’re leaving me alone again.

Is this payback?
My punishment?
I don’t know what to think anymore,
All I know is that I’m still getting hurt.

I’m use to it though.
So it’s okay.

And I write.
To the ones who feel

Rocky Mountain air in my lungs,
The air feels clean.
A graceful breeze,
Childhood memories floating amongst the leaves
Your hand is in mine,
A peaceful smile on my lips.
I am home with the one I love,
At least one of my loves will share what I know.

Another game.
Nothing holding anyone back.
All past events forgotten.
Everyone was fine.
Too bad those are just dreams.

•
Cheesy, horrid jokes.
Laughing at you and with you.
Brown orbs looking at me with admiration.
My save and grace.
The one to make me erupt in butterflies,
And to lose my cool all in a go.
One who stumbled upon a girl,
A girl who thought wasn’t good enough.
To being my friend, to partner and coworker,
To being the man who was waiting for me.
All along it was you who I stood on standby for,
Completely captivated by a single glance.
Humorously thought as I stare into your eyes,
We were and are love at first sight.
•