to think about an addiction
like it’s a sentient being,
but that’s how it feels.

like it’s something living
inside you. something
you can’t get rid of because
killing it means killing you.

i can’t really understand
addictions to drugs or alcohol.
things that control you.

but an eating disorder
is an addiction you control.
wait, is that paradoxical?
i prefer to believe not.

either way, i kick off my shoes,
slide along the tile and into
the kitchen, calming my genie

with promises. twinkies. ice
cream bars. Halloween candy.
***** the trick-or-treaters.

I feel your dark, wet whispers on my skin.

I am waiting for you to jump me, bite me and poison me like the spider.

Crave my flash like the spider craves a fly, I'll rip out her wings, run over the table little girl, try to escape only to fail in the end, try to escape only to surrender.
Oh, you will surrender.

But for the love of God, don't talk to me unless it's for divorce. I hate your voice, but crave your touch.
Let me feel your skin one more time,
what have we lost, and, what is left?
A little child with no parents, just bones.

I will bury you under the mistakes of yesterday, but I will burn your remains in the face off my past wrath.
I can **** you on spot, but oh, don't talk to me, just touch me,
make me feel, for you are the only one to make me feel, deep deep down in my tainted, wretched heart make me feel divine again.

My eyes are swollen
My throat dry
Yes, I’ve been crying
But do you know why?

I feel like I’m falling
I just want to fly
Yes, I’m confused
But do you know why?

I’m hurting on the inside
Smiles on the outside
Yes, I’m in pain
But do you know why?

Blood dripping down
Whilst I’m high
Yes, I’m self harming
But do you know why?

End all my suffering
Here I lie
Yes, I’m 6 feet under
But do you know why?

They are totally blank,
No color, blue-green or red,
In fact, I am totally empty now,
All my dreams are dead.