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 Apr 2021
Nicole
I walk around these places
Trans-centric spaces
Yet I don't feel like I belong
I know that
I look like them
And based on my reading
I feel like them too
Though I still have this sense
That I somehow do not count
I am not quite enough
I feel without a place
Maybe because last time
I was at a trans art show
And my art lives in words
Not in images on canvas
Just another piece of me
That doesn't quite feel
Real enough or
Good enough
To be taken seriously
And I know
I know
This all boils down to
The way I treat myself
But I'm trying
I'm trying
Some things just take time
 Apr 2021
Nicole
23
If my younger self were still around
I wonder what they'd think of me
I can't help but think that
They'd be confused
They wouldn't recognize me as theirself
I'd be just another burnt out adult
Scary and unable to epathize
Enough to really understand me
I imagine I'd feel alone and anxious
Staring at this strange reflection
A mutated image
Warped in the rings of teardrops
That stain this puddle under my feet
Where did the curiosity go?
What about the intense emotions?
Any emotions really
I think I'd be afraid
To come face to face with
The future that is my present day

I know that there's so many things
Positive features of this life
That I never could have imagined then
I am still living and breathing
Taking care of myself
Loving and being loved so deeply
I didn't think I'd see 18
Let alone 23
And yet
I can't help but believe
That all the experiences that led me here
Would scare younger me
Enough to change my story
Because there were so many times
I wanted to
And sometimes
I still do

But I know I'm still growing
And there's still time for me
To learn who I am
To celebrate my flaws and strengths
To love myself wholeheartedly
To simply be me
It's just hard sometimes
 Apr 2021
Nicole
I wonder if cats have self esteem
And if so
Is their self worth as fragile as ours?
Do they develop that voice inside
That feeds them lies
About whether or not they're good enough?
Do they question why they were born
With long hair instead of short?
Or get self conscious about a broken tail?
Do they wish they had better owners?
Or that their owners understood them better?
Are they sensitive about their weight?
Or the length of their claws?
Do they wish they had soft orange hair
Instead of plush black fur?
Or do they love themselves entirely?
Understanding that they matter and that
Their worth isn't defined by other people?
Do they just live their lives fully
Paying no mind to anyone's judgement?
Are they happy with themselves?
Why aren't we?
 Apr 2021
Nicole
Anything brighter than the darkness
Can feel like the warmest light
For half your days in half your life
You were entombed in the night
The other half felt better
Like a breath of fresh air
Although the sadness still choked you
It felt easier there
There were still pitch black moments
Though you claimed you just blinked
You couldn't acknowledge the truth
Otherwise into despair you would sink
Many years have since gone
Many spent feeling alone and distressed
Until suddenly everything went grey
You even stopped feeling depressed
What once held positive memories
Then simply displayed a blank screen
An empty, monotone canvas
You asked "What does it mean?"
Do you think now of the phrase
About not seeking out truth
Until you're truly ready for answers?
As you stare into the face of your lost youth?
Because while you did have a place
Where light shone much more often
You didn't realize how many parts of care
Were still being forgotten
You had food and peace at times
You had shelter and space too
What you didn't have was emotional safety
Or a support system to talk to
Yes, you got to go to therapy
And that helped open a door
Yet you never even questioned why
She knew of the abuse and didn't do more
There were still so many broken promises
You still had to be strong
There were so many ways out
It went on far too long
Someone should have done more for you
To protect and give you care
To let you have emotions and feel safe
But they didn't and that's unfair
You deserved love, respect, and kindness
And every day you still do
I know I couldn't make the loneliness leave then
But now I will always be here for you
 Apr 2021
Nicole
Dear 6 year-old me,

You're allowed to have feelings.
I'm sorry no one has told you that before
I know it's confusing to hear
When you were just guilted for getting angry
I promise that's not what you deserve
That's not the treatment you need
That's not going to help you grow
What it will do is teach you not to trust
Not just other people either
No, you'll learn not to trust even yourself
And that's the hardest part of it all
Because you have to live with you forever
And maybe that's part of the reason why
You'll be suicidal in 6 years
You'll start hurting yourself and
You'll feel stuck in a depression for
Almost an entire decade
Because you'll resent your feelings so much
That you'll bury them all with all your needs
Until you're nothing more than a mirror
Reflecting back to people
The things they want of you
Who they want you to be
What they want you to think and feel
You'll bury your feelings so deep
That you'll end up in abusive relationships
Because you're so used to being used
So used to being manipulated
And you just want to feel loved
And since love is an appropriate emotion
It's one of the few you can really feel
So you'll fall in love and think that
For love you have to do anything
Be anything
Even if it hurts
Even if you have to sensor yourself
All the way down to your thoughts
Just in case she asks what you're thinking
And you don't want to lie

I'm sorry if this all sounds scary to you
I promise it really is
Because human beings are social creatures
And feelings are integral to connection
And you weren't taught to connect
You never learned how to feel
No one showed you that it was ok
I promise that life isn't all bad though
Because you're going to learn to feel freely
I don't know when it'll happen yet
But I guarantee it will
We're 23 now and it's been getting better
It's still terrifying every single day
Every single moment when you make a choice
Between numbing to feel nothing at all
And letting yourself be as you are
It feels like a gun is at your head
And the most helpful option for you
Does not feel safe at all
Feeling isn't going to come easily
It will take so much time and energy
All of your patience and perseverance
But I know you'll get there
We'll get there
Because I'm here for you now
We'll learn how to feel together
Even when it's scary
Even when it's hard
I'll be right here with you
Because I love you
And it's ok to express your feelings
I promise I'm going to start listening now

With Love,
Carter
 Apr 2021
Nicole
Yesterday I had this realization
That type of realization that feels
So familiar
Because you've known about it
And kept your eyes closed to it
As though not seeing it won't make it real
As if running from it
Or constant distractions
Or unending numbing
Could spare you from it's grasp
From the truth
Your truth
Buried deep inside of you
Fighting you
Begging for air and to be let through
Because it's suffocating in there
And that pain doesn't **** the feeling
Only you
Because unfelt feelings become symptoms
And you can run until you collapse
Or even die from exertion
But in that last breath
That last thought in your head
Will finally seize you
And so as I drove towards our house
Not a home because it isn't safe there
Dreading the awkward silences
The conversation I knew was coming
I made space for my inner truth
That exiled realization I can't avoid anymore
And it told me I still want to die
I still feel alone and like I don't belong
Like there is no place in this striving world
No place for a nostalgic like me
Who believes in peace and accountability
And won't buy into the tech or the system
I have no home in this world
I want to stop and sit in the trees
But everyone and everything is racing past me
And their energy is infectious
A poison
The one I grew up breathing
The one telling me I need more
I need to be more
That even when I succeed it will never be enough
The goal post that's always moving
My brain is saturated with that anxiety
So even when I take a moment to breath
Everything inside me screams
As if there's something better I should be doing
And I am just so tired
I don't want this
I don't know how to make it stop
So my brain asks for death instead
 Apr 2021
Nicole
I know there's truth inside me
As it echoes against my bones
I like to pretend it isn't real
But I can feel it in my soul
I have thoughts in my head
That I don't want anyone to see
So I keep it together as best I can
And use these meds to hide myself from me
I want to talk about it all
Give the words some space to breathe
But my brain keeps telling me I can't
If I do then everyone will leave
They can't know about the fact
That I think I deserve to die
I am trying so hard to get better
And yet it feels like such a lie
Part of me believes that I am the worst
Undoubtedly broken into jagged pieces
That no matter what I say or do
The poison of my soul won't be defeated
I search for the answers in everything
I grasp for any solution that I can
I'd give anything to be more than this
Broken, poisonous, empty human
 Apr 2021
jordan
this daily death
and nightly rebirth
these swelling buds
and falling leaves
this piling snow
and torrential flow

this in- and ex- halation

this building warmth
and inertia of cold
this body grows
and then it grows old
this rhythm of life
and imminent death

pervades everything i see
so, could it be
that, perhaps, this rhythm is me
 Apr 2021
Aishu
Write
To release the weight you hold
 Apr 2021
Emeka Mokeme
I see your pain
hiding behind your smile.
I see the tears
behind the smile
you try to hide.
I heard your heart
pounding as it buried itself
beneath the tears
behind your eyes.
I see your fear
peeping through your smile
to hide the unspoken words
dancing on your lips.
I feel your heart
as it hides itself
beneath the breathe of
each words you utter.
But i know the power
of the strength within
flowing like the river
to conquer your shame.
I see you rise
like the leaven bread
to share the beauty
that was once abandoned.
Like the morning sun
you rise from the
ashes of your brokenness.
With vim and vigour,
you are full of vitality
to get back to
the business of living.
And like the sunflower
you opened up to spread
the love of your glory.
©2021,Emeka Mokeme.
 Apr 2021
Sean Critchfield
I have these old grey mitts.
I want to use them to hold your heart.
The are worn and scratchy. But they are warm.
I can’t promise that my care of it won’t leave marks. But they will all be made from a loving touch.
My hands have callouses that run deep. They are cracked like stone.
Your heart deserves a softer touch.
But I only have these old grey mitts.
You heart deserves a birds nest. A place to wait and dream of flying.
Your heart deserves a silk cocoon to rest in until it is fully transformed.
Your heart deserves a heart to sleep in. A beat to match in time.
But I only have these old grey mitts.
I’d like to hold your heart. And if you’d let me, I’d protect it like my own.
For when I saw your heart, I spun my own into yarn of blood and bone and wove it into something soft.
I’d like to hold your heart.
But I have no heart.
I only have these old grey mitts.
 Mar 2021
Semihten5
night was cold
I think  this is my idea
road was empty
I dont sure
a cat cry
voice does not come to my room

why so
teh surroundings are strange
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