It was in my room,
Surrounded by words written in cherry red lipstick,
Screaming hopelessness in the choppy handwriting all the tortured seem to share;

It was in my room,
With half drawn photos of my mother and a dusty guitar that played memories from the time before and the times in between, like a lullaby that haunted me to sleep;

It was in my room,
With the ceiling stained by tobacco smoke and the smell of depression clinging to the ***** bed sheets;

It was in my room,
With the photos hanging off the wall,
Half-torn from the night of lonely desperation;

It was in my room,
With sheets draped over the curtains,
Hung there in a feeble attempt to pretend the sun didn't exist anymore;

It was in my room,
That my shadow got tired of following me and instead swallowed up my mind,
Where the birds sang me to sleep and the moon gently woke me,
Where a day became a thousand years and after a while even God forgot I was there;

It was in my room,
Where I scrubbed the walls clean and painted the ceiling,
Where I pulled the sheets off the curtains and opened the blinds,
Where I threw out my cherry red lipstick and my ***** bed sheets,
Where I finished the drawing of my mother even though the nose will never turn out quite right,
Where I cleaned the guitar and sang to my soul with a new found reverence,
Where I asked the birds to wake me and the moon to tuck me in,

And after all that was done,
It was where I finally opened the door.

Electric you, electric me, were
floating, merging in every
direction, completing our vast
journey home

Rebirth, you, me, no recollection
of what was, infinity, lost in a
dimensional space, electric you,
electric me, mesmerized, locked
in our deepest imagination

Flashing lights before our eyes,
appearing like diamonds across
our mind of blurred memories
now forgotten

Touching angels near and far,
God's face in the distance we
do see, in a world we would
call paradise

You, me, dreaming, about a world
so new, happiness never felt till now,
when the un-blemished blackness,
opens wide, with golden light, collecting
both our souls, electric you, electric me
in the newness of spiritual light**


(A New World is coming Our Way)


By Derena
© 2018 Derena (All rights reserved)

I wondered why I had so much trouble
Breaking out of this heartbreak bubble
Let me tell about my story about guys who were my weakness
In the heart I treasured but where cold increases
There was a boy I saw in the halls
He was a year older and he loved basketball
I watched his games and he noticed
I know he did cause he winked and said he expected me to cheer the loudest
But after months of opening doors, carrying bags and sweet nothing being thrown back and forth
He says he’s tired and replaces me and I just became ignored
There was another boy much older then before
He was smart and successful and said the world was to explore
I looked up to him and I thought he looked lovingly down to me
But to do bigger things he left me screaming at the sea
The next one was more of a child
He was joyful and promised me love and marriage
But he was just kid lacking reality and it was something I could not encourage
Because he thought by promising marriage *** was a must
I had to say no 10 times before he even budged
In the end I had to walk away from the boy with false promises and deaf to the word no
The last one was a high school love
It was unrequited it was a time I had to be tough
He was my classmate I saw him everyday
Our relationship wasn’t black and white it was all grey
He told me to wait and wait I did
Til he fell in love and I didn’t want to admit
That he did me wrong so i asked my place
He took my hand and brushed my hair out of my face
He told me to wait and wait I did
6 years go by 2 boyfriends later I couldn’t quit
He was the one until she got pregnant
And all he got out of me was judgement
These guys created the walls around my heart
They didn’t break it beause you can’t break something that’s already broken from the start
All it did was stack bricks upon the broken parts
Let me tell you about the time it was shattered  
It wasn’t a specific time it was a long period
With fights and screaming it was like a sickness that needed immediately to be treated
It broke when I had to beg on my knees for my dad not to leave
It broke when I had to chase my 4 year old little sister down the street chasing after our dad who loved to decieve
It broke when my mom told me I wasn’t good enough
It broke when my mother just watched my aunt slap me multiple times for something that was her fault and letting me wallow in grief
It broke when I was told I was a failure right from the start
It left me scarred
Wanting to hurl
It left me
Heartbreak girl

There is no skill in feeling.
Deeply and widely
empty holes of upturned ground
boats at the floor of the sea
mountain peaks and sunshine, impossible sunshine
There is no skill in feeling.

I have felt hurricanes and drowning floods.
Disasters that have shaken bones and frozen veins,
yet
there is a hollowness to the knowing and being and–
being.

With you, I feel the white and gleaming opalescence of stars
bathing in the blue of a waning, navy sky.
I have felt whole.
For once, a beaming speckle in a sea of others
brighter and more beautiful
and I have felt the vastness of everything and not cared.
The world could open up and swallow everything
I might be a dandelion in a garden of daisies
I might be sand between toes, washed away in the fresh water of a summer day
but I have seen days with you…

One day I might cease to make new memories.
but I have felt peace with my heart
and I know what it means to feel deeply
to live unapologetically.

But the host within my head has not felt that.
she likes to bar the windows,
set chairs against door handles
lock me inside.
To feel is not a skill.
to feel– to let go

Sometimes I forget to be.
I forget days like the stars to morning,
Gardens like flowers to ice and sleet,
sometimes I am overcome by the vastness of everything

But I have seen days with you.
and one day, I want to just be.
A speckle of light in the vastness of everything.