things aren’t ever so simple
i admit i was naive to think
i had my life figured out
deep down i wasn’t happy
putting on a fake smile
convincing myself i didn’t crave
more

i’ve never been one to take a leap
jump off the cliff
reach outside my comfort zone
i lost a lot in my life
that i didn’t plan on losing
i held on so tightly
to what i had left
the familiar
the comfortable

until i let myself
let it all go

here i am starting over
with nothing left to lose
nothing left
holding me back

in the destruction of it all
i’m finally learning
to see myself
to understand myself
maybe i’m not who i thought i was
maybe i’m so much more
maybe i’m fluid
maybe i’m ever-changing
maybe i’m finally learning to be
who i was meant
to be

and that’s all that matters
in the end

sometimes i wonder
how my life would have turned out
if i had looked the other way,
chose a different school,
a different city,
introduced myself to the person
staring across the room

maybe i would be this
entirely different person
with a cooler haircut
and more friends
who always knew what she wanted
and wasn’t afraid to do
whatever it took to get it

she would be the life of the party
with the brightest smile
and most contagious laugh
the one everyone felt drawn to
as soon as she walked into the room
she would be confident
and unapologetic

i wonder if she would have liked me
if we would be friends
i wonder if there’s a part of her in me
deep down
just waiting to come out
and prove me wrong
if i gave her the chance

we walk around with
heavy loads on our backs
and weights in our hearts
threatening our collapse
at any moment

it wasn't always like this
at one point in time
we were free, we were pure
navigating the world
through rose-tinted glasses

somewhere along the way
we stumbled upon someone
or something
that cracked our spirit
and left us with scars

the scars never left
no amount of time
was enough to heal
and in the end
we can either let them
make us scared and angry
at the world, at life
unwilling to try again

or we can persist
though the pain
if we fall we can get back up
we can learn to bloom
in the midst of struggle
we can learn how to live
with the traumas
we can learn
how to be
invincible

I’ve lived my life
believing that I could fix anything
and more importantly,
anyone
My life has been surrounded
with troubled people
with troubling situations
and a need for healing
A need for someone like me
who would be there no matter what
holding their hand through the darkness
until they got out
onto the other side

But for some reason,
something broke inside of you
something changed
and I’m slowly realizing
that I cannot fix it
Maybe there’s a difference between
being broken
and being so shattered
that I can’t even recognize you long enough
to understand what went wrong
or how we ended up here
and I’ll be stupid enough to hold on to you
hoping day after day
that I can still fix it
until the shattered pieces of your being
seep into my soul
and slowly shatter me
too

you convinced me
to fall for you
and then you
watched me
hit the ground

How ironic it is
to want something so bad
that the moment you have a chance at it
it suddenly doesn’t mean half as much

It’s as if your purpose
stemmed from your yearning
and all you had to do was have it in reach
for everything to fall in place

So what do you do when
everything is still in pieces
The thing you were dreaming about
ends up different than your fantasies

You end up so focused on the finish line
that you don’t realize
that the path you neglected on the way
might make you happier

Maybe that’s the way we are
Constantly chasing after the next thing
to keep our hearts pumping double speed
Instead of finding the satisfaction
in stability

Or maybe this is me
getting exactly what I asked for
and realizing that I never wanted it
in the first place

Maybe I’m finally realizing
that I’m better off without you
That I can make myself happier
than you ever could
than you ever will

I’ve been holding on
just to see if maybe
you’d pull me out
on the other side
But I’m not strong
and I can’t hold up
my limp body
I can feel my hands
slipping off the edge
I’m falling now
I can feel the pain as
I wait to hit the ground
as I watch the light
turn to darkness
You watch me
You let me