I drink pink grapefruit flavored drinks
my face smells like the citrus
when I lose things and people
I change my hair
it helps me cope with the idea that I can never finish a stick of lip balm and most of the people I've known only yield disappointment
no one is at fault here
but the blame is usually pushed into my intestines
and I spend five days throwing up
I used to be afraid that I would never see the entire world
now I'm afraid I'll never spend enough time in a place I can call home
every morning the smell of grapefruit grows stronger

I’m sorry.
It is me.
But it’s not.
It’s paranoia.
It’s fear.
But it’s mine.

I’m scared I’m doing too much.
Too little.
Trying too hard.
Not enough.
Not giving you space.
Giving too much.

So I’ll stop.
I’ll let you decide.
Maybe I won’t be paranoid.
I probably will.
But if you don’t want me around
I can disappear.

You promised me forever
even in a life that is temporary
and you broke two things with one word.
“Bye”

We try so hard for a life that’s good
Until we’re all numb.
Until we have been hurt so much that we
say we’re fine.
Until we look into the mirror and see all the good things that we are not
instead of seeing the good things that we are.
Until we’re all too blind to past all the lies that society shows.
Until the light runs out leaving all of us in the dark, with
nothing to say or do except lay there and
look up at the thousands of stars of the cold and bitter night and
one day eventually fall asleep.
Until that icy glacier covering your heart freezes more.
Until we take a breath in and can’t let it out because
everytime that you let someone go
it hurts and you know you possibly can’t let go another.
Until someone can’t grab you and
hold you tight like an anchor to reality.
So promise me you won’t break my heart again
even though I know you will.

                            ~n.r.

As I sit and watch the wildflowers
I think how humans have no roots
Nothing to hold us back, but nothing to save us
From life's trampling boots

As I sit and watch the wildflowers
I wonder why they are weeds
Their only crime in life
Is to spread their lovely seeds

As I sit and watch the wildflowers
I think of all their trouble
We think of ways to **** them
All that should be left is ruin and rubble

i used to dream in black and white,
grays blending together the scenes that
spin spin spin
until i can't differentiate black from white.
i dreamt about shriveling flowers and endless hallways
and never being able to scream;
and then i met you.
suddenly i was dreaming in color,
a luxury i thought would never come to fruition,
flowers popping and life breathed back into trees.
i never knew how beautiful it was to have someone hold you at 3am,
to kiss your bruises and tell you your scars are angelic
even though the way you acquired them isn't.
i never knew how beautiful it was
to dream in color.

If I die don’t cry
Look up at the sky and
Say goodbye

-the Loved One